Other Reviews by jjs2028 21

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  ROCKET '78 Review
  A review of Rocket '78
  by jjs2028 on 08/09/2011
  Rocket ’78 Review Nice job with this script. Definitely one of the better scripts on triggerstreet! I've written down notes as I read and then ended with some final thoughts on the story. Here it all is: p.2 - EXT. JOHN'S POV -- THE TOWN OF PIRTLESVILLE -- DAY John sees Don’t need to say “John sees” we are already at his POV, just tell us what he’s looking at. p. 4 – No... Rocket ’78 Review
  Nice job with this script. Definitely one of the better scripts on triggerstreet!
  
  I've written down notes as I read and then ended with some final thoughts on the story. Here it all is:
  
  p.2 - EXT. JOHN'S POV -- THE TOWN OF PIRTLESVILLE -- DAY
  John sees
  Don’t need to say “John sees” we are already at his POV, just tell us what he’s looking at.
  p. 4 – No need for (CONT’D). Just turn off auto (cont’d) in settings.
  
  Sometimes your scene headings get very jumbled and it breaks up the action a bit… instead of writing a scene heading and then one line of action/description then another scene heading, just write from one perspective such as just “EXT. EMPTY STRETCH OF ROAD” on p. 7 and 8. Let the director decide when he wants to film the truck or sky car.
  
  p.9 – “JOHN - I gotta go pick up this junk for my dad” – thought he calls his dad “pop”. Normally, unless he speaks differently around his friends for a reason, sons and daughters stick with one form when speaking of or to their father/mother (mom,dad – pop, ma – mother, father) – I know this may seem trite, but when I read that he said “dad” a flag went off in my head and made me think about something other than your story. You don’t want that.
  
  p.9 – instead of using a parenthetical for a (beat) say what he is doing when the beat occurs. Good place to add characterization, foreshadowing. For example, whenever Sal asks to get a beer he gets nervous because he feels like he may have a drinking problem and always rubs his arm.
  “SAL
  Nah, that’s OK. We got some work
  lined up this afternoon.
  (massaging wrist)
  Wanna go for a beer later?”
  -He may not have a problem or it may not be important to THIS story, but if you want the audience to notice something is up when he asks to go drinking, this could fit in later when a situation comes up and he has to act “cool and calm” at a particular bar…. Wow, I really went off on a tangent… sorry.
  
  p.9 – “Behind Sal, Beck suddenly sits bolt upright” – just say, “Behind Sal, Beck bolts upright”. No need for the unnecessary wording. You get the same feeling and understanding with just “bolts upright” and it allows your story to keep flowing.
  
  p.10 – Unless the last names are important to the story, just leave them to the main character or just a few characters. You can show importance to the reader when they see a full name opposed to a first name.
  
  p.11 – “WALT SANDERS, 30 something and definitely a career guy” – show us how he is a career guy… scars? Old war medals line the wall from 1995 to now? – Plus wouldn’t a “career guy” have to be a bit older for that term to really set in?
  
  p.11 – “The door opens. Light, heat, and John enter.” – how do we know “heat” enters? We can’t see this. Have to show us (e.g., beads of sweat instantly form on Sanders forehead when the door opens)
  
  p.12 – “go” should be “goes” of
  p.14 – “of” should be “off”
  
  p.21 - “EXT. SCRAP YARD – EVENING” – just use DAY or NIGHT.
  
  p.22 – “and sitting” should be “are sitting”… actually should be “sit” because you want to write in an active voice using present tense verbage.
  
  p.22 – you wrote “EXT. DESERT – LATER” then in the next scene line you wrote the same thing. You need to change it… Ex: “EXT. DESERT – EVEN LATER”
  
  p.23 – “He just” – extra space between words
  
  p.33 – Like I mentioned before about the scene headings and slug lines you can condense your action so it flows better, especially when a character is moving quickly through different locations.
  You wrote:
  “EXT. HOUSE -- CONTINUOUS
  John shuts the truck down and jumps out.
  He runs to the house.
  INT. KITCHEN -- CONTINUOUS
  John bursts into the kitchen, singing at the top of his lungs
  
  You could do this:
  INT/EXT. HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
  John shuts the truck down and jumps out. He runs into the
  HOUSE
  then bursts into the
  KITCHEN
  singing at the top of his lungs.
  
  p.36 –
  “TED (TO JOHN)
  John, I’m just...”
  -when you want a character to speak solely to another character just write (to John) in a parenthetical.
  
  “INT. BACK ROOM, GENERAL STORE – DAY” should be “INT. GENERAL STORE, BACK ROOM – DAY”
  
  p.62
  
  “CONTINUOS” should be “CONTINUOUS”
  
  p.63
  
  “EXT. MYSTERY MINE GROUNDS – CONTINUOUS” – needs to be a scene change for other side.
  
  
  
  
  
  p.78
  
  What is Walt’s motivation? I’m not sure why he is so involved with what he thinks is a “waste of space” person like John in this town. He needs to have some underlying desire to be so interested in John and his friends actions.
  
  Sal and Beck blend into each other and it’s hard to tell who’s talking when not looking at the names. You want each person to have a distinct voice and have the reader be able to figure out who is talking without even looking at the names.
  
  p. 79
  It’s taking a very long time to get things rolling. I know you are trying to integrate the subplot of John and Ellie’s relationship, but I think you need to find a way to integrate this interaction within the main plot of the story as it continues to move it forward.
  
  p.80
  Ellie says “2” and “1”. These need to be written out as “two” and “one”.
  
  p.85
  I thought Clarence asked what Art was reading and he was told that it was about rockets. I don’t recall Art even telling him about the project, so how would Clarence know this?
  
  p.86
  Walt’s dialogue needs (MORE) above it and (cont'd) to be capitalized since his speech starts on the previous page.
  
  p.99
  “They army” should be “The army”
  Needs a few more turning points along the way to keep the interest going. Between p.35 and p.60, I feel like it dragged a bit and was losing luster. It took awhile to get to the point of making the Rocket 78.
  
  Very nice ending and the tying together of both the subplot and plot. Well done.
  
  --------------------
  Here a few extra things and some final thoughts (just my opinion):
  
  A lot of telling in your description and not showing the reader/viewer the emotions the characters feel and express. Need to be creative and figure out a way a character shows they are embarrassed or show that they are dubios… Facial expressions? Body gestures? etc.
  
  You definitely are far ahead of most writers I have to critique on here. It flowed with a nice rhythm and pace. You have a good grasp on the structure on creating a story using the proper format. You could tighten up a lot of your scenes to get to the point faster(where most writers on here have no points in many of their scenes).
  
  At times the story seemed to drag especially around pages 70-90. I feel like it was going smooth and pacing along nicely and then when the car was ready for action, the story slowed to halt, then dragged for twenty pages until about page 91.
  
  Overall, I can tell you are an advanced writer with a good sense of how to properly tell a story. Congratulations on this and I think with a revision utilizing subtext in the dialogue, showing rather than telling, and tightening up a few scenes, this is a good marketable low-budget script. Good job! read
• 
  Review of Cubo
  A review of Cubo
  by jjs2028 on 09/29/2009
  In the beginning, I was planning on watching a short film that was horrifying in that it would show gross and freaky images. I am glad that this short did not do such a thing. Halfway through the film I was searching for a meaning and what it was all about, but rather I found myself feeling emotions and getting angry or upset, and then feeling eleviated of this stress during... In the beginning, I was planning on watching a short film that was horrifying in that it would show gross and freaky images. I am glad that this short did not do such a thing.
  
  Halfway through the film I was searching for a meaning and what it was all about, but rather I found myself feeling emotions and getting angry or upset, and then feeling eleviated of this stress during the enlightened music and tree scene. Then it cut right back into the gore and stress.
  
  I feel like this was better than searching for a meaning in the film. I'm glad I stopped and just let myself feel the emotions and it was quite intense.
  
  Artsy, Abstract, and downright cool. read
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  The Ultimate Freedom Review
  A review of The Ultimate Freedom
  by jjs2028 on 09/09/2009
  This is definitely one of the better screenplays I've read on here. I'll do my best to help you out and give you some advice. I'll start with a few grammatical errors that easy fixes. Your structure and format was very good and didn't really cause a problem. p.35 - When the three walk in it should read "Russo, Crawford, and Audrey" p. 52 - you wrote "tyre tracks" - should... This is definitely one of the better screenplays I've read on here. I'll do my best to help you out and give you some advice. I'll start with a few grammatical errors that easy fixes. Your structure and format was very good and didn't really cause a problem.
  
  p.35 - When the three walk in it should read "Russo, Crawford, and Audrey"
  
  p. 52 - you wrote "tyre tracks" - should be "tire tracks". You spell tire wrong later on in your screenplay as well.
  
  p. 93 - "pore" should be "pour"
  
  One other thing would the underlining in ur script. It was really distraction and I don't think you should do this very much. Honestly, I don't really feel like you should underline anything in a screenplay. If it is important, let us know a different way other than underlining. Also, if it's important we should be able to detect this as a reader.
  
  Now onto your actual screenplay.
  
  I think this was a pretty original concept and idea. It was reminiscent of the film "Mr. Brooks".
  
  I think you took an interesting and unique idea but went down an unoriginal path. What I mean is, is that it followed the path of every other crime movie. I would have liked you to go down some different routes and explore things that haven't been done before.
  
  
  Many characters in your screenplay sound alike. Try and give them each a more distinct voice. By about the middle of a screenplay you should be able (as a reader) to distiguish dialogue between characters without having to look at their names. I couldn't do this here.
  
  Some Scene Comments:
  
  on p. 53 - after the father/daughter moment, I think she should start to walk to her room with the beer in her hand and then Russo stops her and takes the beer away. REASON: this will show that he let her be grown up for a little while they talked, but resorted back to the father figure in her life when she left on her own back to her room.
  
  when russo explains to kim how he found his wife killing somebody... show us this! Have him start talking and then flashback to the actual scene. It's much more exciting to see the actual events than just hear a story on screen.
  
  I don't really think Russo would smile when He sees the crowd slowly change feelings at the memorial hall. Lance has a knife to Kim's throat...
  
  Overall I think this was a really interesting read and I got excited about it after the first few pages. There was one letdown and it was the end. I don't want to say it was bad or anything because it wasn't. It was good but very obvious and done before. I feel like a story original like this calls for more than that. read