Review of: Silver Moon (V.3) 

reviewed by jjs2028 on 10/11/2009
Credited Review
jjs2028
Silver Moon Review Credited Review

As I read and review screenplays, I like to write what I’m thinking and what I find right away so I’ll just write all the notes as I go through and then have some thoughts at the end:
At page 5, I’m already into this. I am a huge fan on the horror/slasher genre. I love low-budget horror and this starts out just like some of my favorites. I’m excited to keep moving on!

p. 6
KEVIN
Kevin got embarrassed.
-----This is supposed to be Josh’s line

p.12 – Okay, I already love Josh. I can totally see this kid, like many of us probably can. Although these types of kids are assholes, they are actually pretty funny, too. You capture this well.


P29 – After Kevin finds Sam and asks if he is okay, it sounds a little odd for Sam to say, “im fine” and be more worried about Kevin being there than getting viciously attacked. I know he was smoking crack and did want to be seen or what not, but still.

p.62 – the conversation with the group about “what this beast is” is a little overdone in horror scripts. I think you should work on this area and really think about what people would say if they were in a situation like this. Although it may seem like you need “the explanation” in your script I don’t think it’s necessary. I kind of don’t want them to believe it is a werewolf or what not. Being more of an unknown to the group is even more terrifying.

p.66 – REMMY says, “they had an affair, Tim.” That comment seems a little odd. Wouldn’t somebody of their age just say “Emily cheated on Kevin” or something?
-You have a couple of these type of lines in your script that are a little too formal in dialog. People don’t always talk correctly or formally and this adds more to the reality of dialog. Try workin at this a bit, because at times the dialog seems way too “correct”.

p.74 – “never taking her eyes of the monster” should be “off not of”

p.92 – rather than saying first beast and second beast, why don’t you say something that the first is Josh and the second beast is Kevin. Then you can just say Kevin and Josh and we will know they are wolves now and it won’t be as confusing when reading “first and second” beast.

I am a little unsure about the ending… who was lifted off in the helicopter? I guessing that it was somebody who was bit and will turn into a werewolf at the hospital it will be at? Also… when the trains collided I don’t think Josh and Kevin’s bodies would be that well preserved and only have the werewolf battle wounds on them.

I thought your ending was going in a slightly different direction as well. I thought that maybe after the train accident, Emily would be trying to tell the story of werewolves or something and nobody would believe her. They would think that she must be suffering some brain trauma and post tramatic stress. All of the evidence of werewolves existing would be gone due to the fact that the train collision mangled and mashed up everybody on board. Just a thought I had that could be pretty neat.

Overall, I really enjoyed this and thought it was a fun read. Even though it read quite like all other werewolf slashers, I still liked it and thought the build up and final battle between Josh and Eric was worth it. Good payoff there, and I would say a pretty marketable low budget horror flick.

One more thing... I think maybe you could come up with a little better title for this werewolf flick. Silver Moon is remeniscent of all werewolf films and kind of generic. Maybe make it a mix between wolves and cheating lovers? Don't really know a title off the top of my head, but you could get pretty creative with it, and really make it work!

Good Job!

Other Reviews by jjs2028 21

  • A review of Rocket '78
    by jjs2028 on 08/09/2011
    Rocket ’78 Review Nice job with this script. Definitely one of the better scripts on triggerstreet! I've written down notes as I read and then ended with some final thoughts on the story. Here it all is: p.2 - EXT. JOHN'S POV -- THE TOWN OF PIRTLESVILLE -- DAY John sees Don’t need to say “John sees” we are already at his POV, just tell us what he’s looking at. p. 4 – No... read
  • A review of Cubo
    by jjs2028 on 09/29/2009
    In the beginning, I was planning on watching a short film that was horrifying in that it would show gross and freaky images. I am glad that this short did not do such a thing. Halfway through the film I was searching for a meaning and what it was all about, but rather I found myself feeling emotions and getting angry or upset, and then feeling eleviated of this stress during... read
  • A review of The Ultimate Freedom
    by jjs2028 on 09/09/2009
    This is definitely one of the better screenplays I've read on here. I'll do my best to help you out and give you some advice. I'll start with a few grammatical errors that easy fixes. Your structure and format was very good and didn't really cause a problem. p.35 - When the three walk in it should read "Russo, Crawford, and Audrey" p. 52 - you wrote "tyre tracks" - should... read
+ more reviews