So THAT'S what he was doing in that bathroom....
This is essentially a PSA (public service announcement) aimed at teachers, parents, and students. If there was a story, it'd be whether or not this man decides to knife himself open. Did I like it? Yeah, it was pretty effective in its message.
The man's thoughts are given to us in third-person, perhaps meaning that Death is studying his actions. The man contemplates his future and we're emotionally gripped even though we don't know him at all.
So the text was very necessary and helpful.
Still- I'm not so sure what you think this film can do for you as a director, unless you want to make docs or more PSAs. Hollywood wants to see you tell a story, and not simply re-telling a story that's affected thousands of UK adults.
Sad yes, but remember- Hollywood is about making money!!
Still, very good job.
Other Reviews by silverberetta17
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Well, well, well. I was very excited to delve into my first Bob script. I've heard great things about your writing...but finally needed to see one for myself.
Bob, you write exceptionally well. Your descriptions and actions are crisp and succinct. You get to the point in every scene and that's wonderful.
Of course you know that already.
Your dialogue is very good. I mean...
Well, well, well. I was very excited to delve into my first Bob script. I've heard great things about your writing...but finally needed to see one for myself.
Bob, you write exceptionally well. Your descriptions and actions are crisp and succinct. You get to the point in every scene and that's wonderful.
Of course you know that already.
Your dialogue is very good. I mean reeaaaally good. I'm impressed at the number of witty lines between the Fathers, rather than the typical Hollywood expositional dialogue. Congrats.
Now where to begin.
I am not religious, and therefore was kinda apprehensive to read this. See, I'm kinda dismissive towards preachy religious scripts yada yada yada. But because it was Bob, I made an exception.
And I'm glad I did.
Your characters are wonderful. Joyce, Tom, Lisa, they all have their own stories and problems that we feel and care for them.
I love the idea that Mary is seen by 2 very different women, each giving very different instructions, respectfully. That is a fantastic idea and it gives the audience something to think about.
I also really like the idea that the backdrop is the Palestinian/Israeli conflict, and how you don't take sides but rather make arguments for each.
I don't know what to tell you. The story is fresh, the characters are great (love how you contrast Joyce and her daughters with Lisa and her mother), and the dialogue is sharp.
You've done one *hell* of a job.... hehe.
But....
There's always a but.
But unfortunately, I think this is everything Hollywood/prodcos do not want!
I'm referring to the religion AND politics here. Commercially speaking, this doesn't cut it. Religion startles people and politics polarizes.
How can something like this be made? That's the sad reality I see this facing.
But marketing this script is not my job. Reviewing it is.
And as I said, you've done well. You know the story you want.
It kinda rings more like a drama/thriller at times rather than horror. I guess the nightmarish visions of hell make it a horror-- though this could easily be labeled a drama because of the domestic and political aspects to it.
A few quibbles:
- I think the sequence where Joyce seduces/knocks out the tour guide goes on for a bit long. I think it can be trimmed a 'lil on each end.
- The denouement is 11 pages! Once the climax is over (which I assumed was the assassination) I think it should be 3-4 pages MAX....
...that is unless the REAL climax was with Cardinal Vincenze and Father Tom. In that case you might consider moving that before the podium scene.
- It seems to me the conversation between David and Talib in the hospital kinda simplifies the whole conflict-- in this story's and the real issue's.
It's convenient I suppose how the survivors of each side are the most open-minded ones. Guess it makes sense... though I'm not sure *killing* the other guys is the right thing to do :/
- And why does Father Tom simply leave Cardinal Vincenze just like that? Isn't he the Devil, or the devil incarnate?
Shouldn't there be a happy ending here? Shouldn't Tom KILL him? I know it sounds predictable, but it makes sense in this story.
After all, will there ever be peace in the Middle East in THIS world? According to you- no, because the final scene shows a bunch of teens being seduced by him yet again.
It's effective yes, but I think it's cheap also because you've almost simplified the West Bank issue for the expense of a horror movie.
I like the ending where everyone lives peacefully ever after.
Hmmm, sorry if that sounds confusing....
And *for the love of God*, please consider a NEW title! 'Double Vision' isn't catchy! It is plain and boring! I know you can think of a better one!
Again, great job Bob. You know how to write 'em. Sorry if I ranted about the marketable factor, but I always look for premise first!
Let's hope you change the name of the game with this script. Religion. Politics. Horror. It can happen.
peAce Bob,
Nick
PS: How about 'Bloody Mary' as a title! It makes sense because Joyce is an alcoholic! ;)
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This review is especially difficult for me because while I agree with the message here, the story and characters do not work for me at all. Overall, there was way too much talking, nothing really going on that moved me, and stock characters that didn't do anything for this material. A huge disappointment.
I couldn't get over your heavy-handedness of this argument here. Let...
This review is especially difficult for me because while I agree with the message here, the story and characters do not work for me at all. Overall, there was way too much talking, nothing really going on that moved me, and stock characters that didn't do anything for this material. A huge disappointment.
I couldn't get over your heavy-handedness of this argument here. Let me explain it this way: remember when critics said the film "Crash" pulled at your heartstrings too much? Well, this screenplay practically rips out your soul. It's almost too pretentious with its overbearing "evil" Republican congressmen.
When we began with the Oval Office, I thought this might be some sort of satire in how a case for war is justified. I even got excited when we cut to the Hollywood scene thinking this could be a quirky dark comedy with both politics and entertainment mashing together.
Problem is, this is more reality than satire. As the story moves forward, things get so ridiculous that I was at the point where I thought this was all a bad joke. Leland asked to appear in court? Pardon my language- but give me a fucking break- that's just going into the absurdity. Earlier you referenced Joe McCarthy and his Communism trials- so this hearing is so preposterous because IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN TODAY.
And when he's locked outside the studio, I wanted to laugh even more. You need to realize that when you set your story is a realistic world like ours, you cannot change things so easily. Let's say this Leland guy was - I dunno- supposed to be Michael Moore or Tim Robbins. Would producers lock them out because they disagreed with Bush and the Iraq war?
Of course they wouldn't.
Some things here do in fact mimic events that played out. This Teri girl no doubt was based on the Dixie Chicks and what happened to them after they dare speak out. Nothing wrong with imitating history again, but make sure things don't get out of hand, eg. burning down Malloy's Bar? That's another silly scene I advise you to cut.
Like I said, there is so much unnecessary dialogue here it's painful. You keep hammering us with this rightful but redundant message of freedom of speech during a war- that it becomes old fast.
The scene of Adrianna with Cody and the Christian woman is a good example. Stop lecturing us about gays and get to the point. I myself agree with the actress that sexuality isn't a choice but decided early on- yet why do you rub it in our faces so much? So many long conversations are exactly what I'm talking about here- you don't need so much BORING DIALOGUE- just give us the damn idea and move on. (On another note, this scene is pointless in this story.)
Go examine Clooney's film "Good Night and Good Luck". The message there parallels what you have here- but the difference is that there's SUBTLETY in that script. Your script will drive everyone- including me- away because it's beating us over the head with its message.
And that was the 1950s, a time when America was so unified after WW2 that evil men like McCarthy was able to rant on about citizens he believed were Communist. In today's world, especially 2008, NOTHING IN THIS SCRIPT WOULD EVER HAPPEN. This makes me wonder when you wrote this script? Was it around 2004, when there was still much support for the Iraq war?
Now of course we all know the Iraq war was a mistake and many of America's stands on habeas corpus and privacy and freedoms were stripped apart and used accordingly by Bush and his cronies. But don't let me lecture, because I could go on and on here.
You need to make big decisions here. First of all, decide what world you're setting this in. The future could set a strong parable, for instance if government has become so power-hungry that events in this script could be plausible.
Also decide if you'll actually be satirizing the current state of affairs instead of just replacing the actual politicians with actors.
You need to find a way to deliver your message without beating us senseless? [Is my point sinking in, now? Good! This is how I felt when I read YOUR SCRIPT! Hehe....]
And for heaven's sake cut all that cliche and overwritten dialogue about freedom of speech and blah blah blah. Everyone agrees with you, man! Relax! Cheer up! America is not ALL LOST, yet! Us screenwriters can maybe save it from its sad state.
Then again, maybe not.
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I wanted to watch this short because the synopsis seemed eerily similar to a script I'm working on.
Having said that, I think this is a neat little short. I liked all of the shots as it kept me intrigued as to what the mystery here was.
The acting was all good, and this is a very well made piece from a technical standpoint.
Now I think there might be one too many lines devoted...
I wanted to watch this short because the synopsis seemed eerily similar to a script I'm working on.
Having said that, I think this is a neat little short. I liked all of the shots as it kept me intrigued as to what the mystery here was.
The acting was all good, and this is a very well made piece from a technical standpoint.
Now I think there might be one too many lines devoted to toying with us, especially concerning any "bomb" or whatever the woman thinks she's hearing. Looking back I don't understand why the second guy asks his partner to keep it down, so no one can hear. It's not like the girl they're throwing this for is around or anything.
And why did they leave the necklace on the table? That seemed a little random and forced- in other words he was just told him not to forget it so why would BOTH of them leave it there? Maybe I missed something!!
Overall, pretty good job. Nice story and nice execution.
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