Some good characters but needs a major overhaul in terms of structure and story.
This script has potential. Each of the three stories could be engaging, however only one of them has a positive ending and the other two left me feeling like the stories were incomplete. There is way too much description in the exposition. I mean, you don't need to describe the way people look and the apartments they live in unless it's totally relevant to the plot.
I also had a hard time buying the notion that Sean Malloy would be a famous cop. The most famous cop in LA history, Mark Furman, probably wouldn't be recognized by your average joe, yet everywhere Sean Malloy goes his reputation precedes him. I think there are whole tracts of dialog and scenes from his story that could be cut. There are also some character contradictions that make him not so heroic--like accidentally spilling coffee on the porn receptionist's head. And why would that guy suddenly blab out all that information right after he got done telling him he wouldn't help him on principal?
Scrump and Daisy's story is better, though it's a little cliche (except the ending) and the Mayor's story is probably the best because it feels the most real. You never really get to the heart of why they're on the street or offer any real character arc.
The ending sort of comes out of the blue and for Malloy's story I didn't feel it was an adequate or appropriate payoff.
The writer should watch "CRASH" and see if it sparks any ideas on how to streamline and interweave for a better payoff. I think the writer could shave 10 pages alone with terser, less verbose exposition, and probably another 20 on dialog that does nothing to move the narrative forward.
Other Reviews by Dodgeball
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This script has some nice things going for it. I love the style and attitude of Colin's VO and the multiple, fast-paced storylines that all intertwine. It's remniscent a bit of "Lock Stock and two smoking barrels" and "Trainspotting" and "Confidence." I liked what happens to Fran too. So often in movies do we see someone shoot their gun in the air, so rarely are there consequences...
This script has some nice things going for it. I love the style and attitude of Colin's VO and the multiple, fast-paced storylines that all intertwine. It's remniscent a bit of "Lock Stock and two smoking barrels" and "Trainspotting" and "Confidence." I liked what happens to Fran too. So often in movies do we see someone shoot their gun in the air, so rarely are there consequences. Only notes I have would be to suggest you have this read aloud by some actor/friends. There are some dialog passages that could be tightened up and trimmed. Sometimes Colin gets a little wordy with his VO when glib would probably be better, and more stylized. I didn't buy Rags being so readily subservient to Mike, seems like he'd be more into consolidating power for himself rather than being someone's "lap dog", especially if he's been conspiring against Fran for months. I like the whole maguffin of the t-shirt thing, though you set it up in the beginning as more important via Colin's VO than it should be. In the first 10 pages you should really be setting up the key players in the story, so perhaps the t-shirt thing shouldn't be accentuated quite so much to the point where it's really the only thing we're trying to discern import and meaning from (because, frankly, Colin instructs us to). But other than that, it's got some fun parts and the dialog is pretty darn strong. Good job.
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This is a great premise for a horror film. The logline is reall intriguing and for the most part, the script delivers on the horror. However, the author tells us way too much about the nature of the orphanage and the horror right off the bat. I think you would do well to lose the whole Act 1 Austin storytelling scene. I understand why you want it, but if it came later, like...
This is a great premise for a horror film. The logline is reall intriguing and for the most part, the script delivers on the horror. However, the author tells us way too much about the nature of the orphanage and the horror right off the bat. I think you would do well to lose the whole Act 1 Austin storytelling scene. I understand why you want it, but if it came later, like in Act 2 after the audience had a chance to experience for the first time along with the characters the chilling nature of the house, it would be much more compelling. Since you tell us right away about the history, that all who enter are doomed, there's no real sense of building tension or jeopardy--at least not as much as could be were we a little in the dark about what exactly was going on.
That's my biggest overall comment because I think once the action gets going, the scenes in the house are pretty fun and definitely macabre. The thought of malevolent child corpses, charred little hands reaching through the darkness to grab your arm or leg is a chilling one, and you will find many readers who enjoy the journey you take them on because of that premise. Hasn't really been done in a movie yet, that I can recall.
The interaction between the characters in the RV and the house is good, as well as in the bar (minus the storytelling scene, which again gives away way to much), but I felt that you probably could've held on the first group of characters longer to establish where they were were coming from, how they got together and why they're in the situation they're in. The Hostage/Kidnapper dynamic where both must team together to fight a 3rd party is a fun setup but we need to know more about these characters and how they came together to really appreciate the relationships they're going to have between them.
I liked the misdirect of Phil's relationship to the house, though I think the payoff could be stronger. Perhaps you could play that out longer so that we think he's truly the key and not Austin. I also wasn't sure what happened to Rachel at the end of all this.
Do a document search for the name "Tad" and remove it. I think that was supposed to be Sam. As for Sam's police work, it doesn't make sense that they're fugitives from a fresh crime scene and he doesn't call for backup or assistance in the matter. And would he get on the radio to tell them to give it up, thus blowing an opportunity to surprise them at the bar? Maybe it would be better if the crime that occurred happened a little while back and Sam is a detective who's been doggedly pursuing them, waiting for the moment they tried to cross the border. Just a thought.
Also, the whole notion of "playing games" as far as the orphans is concerned didn't really jibe with the notion of "waiting for the last orphan to return." Seems like the raison d'etre of the orphans isn't clearly defined enough to be compelling.
I think this script needs a lot of work to be a saleable piece of writing, but that's what this site is for so I'm going to give it a consider in the hopes others will give you constructive feedback and you can hone it down into a tight little masterpiece of terror. You've got the premise and the structure (but again, the storytelling thing in Act 1, I think it's killing your momentum and giving away the store in terms of suspense).
Best of luck.
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"Horatio" has a universally appealing premise--mysterious stranger with magical powers has an extraordinary impact on the ordinary lives of a group of people. The magic man in this case is Horatio and he comes to a small town where a group of people are struggling with problems we can all relate to. The first 35 pages are pretty much wholly dedicated to establishing that...
"Horatio" has a universally appealing premise--mysterious stranger with magical powers has an extraordinary impact on the ordinary lives of a group of people. The magic man in this case is Horatio and he comes to a small town where a group of people are struggling with problems we can all relate to. The first 35 pages are pretty much wholly dedicated to establishing that Horatio has supernatural omniscient abilities to know exactly what people are thinking, exactly what will happen to them and, from his interaction with them, is only there to help them. A big problem with this first act is that it never explains or sheds any light on why Horatio is there, who is he or why he's choosing these particular people to help. A bigger problem with the whole script is that we never get answers to those questions at the end either. In similar stories, from "Something Wicked This Way Comes" to that recent novel by Stephen King (the name escapes me) we always get an explanation, a payoff that helps us fundamentally understand WHY?
The various stories have merit, though some, like Mark and Emily, might be a little cliche and thus might be punched up by rewriting against type--like maybe reversing the sexes or making them same sex or something offbeat.
But there are so many stories that they get a little hard to follow, though you've done a nice job combining storylines with characters to help keep things in better perspective. I think the most confusing part comes during the flashback involving the mind-reading locket lovestory. It in itself is actually a very interesting story but it comes smack in the middle of all these other stories and we spend a lot of time (read PAGES) with it before we return to the five (or is it six?) other plotlines.
The ending is interesting, and definitely a little metaphysical, which is cool. But again, you need to explain to us what's going on. Explain your magic, give us some insight as to what Horatio is up to. Is he an angel? Is he God? Is he some other magical being? Without that context, we are left with too many questions that take us away from your overall story.
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