This script has potential. Each of the three stories could be engaging, however only one of them has a positive ending and the other two left me feeling like the stories were incomplete. There is way too much description in the exposition. I mean, you don't need to describe the way people look and the apartments they live in unless it's totally relevant to the plot.
I also had a hard time buying the notion that Sean Malloy would be a famous cop. The most famous cop in LA history, Mark Furman, probably wouldn't be recognized by your average joe, yet everywhere Sean Malloy goes his reputation precedes him. I think there are whole tracts of dialog and scenes from his story that could be cut. There are also some character contradictions that make him not so heroic--like accidentally spilling coffee on the porn receptionist's head. And why would that guy suddenly blab out all that information right after he got done telling him he wouldn't help him on principal?
Scrump and Daisy's story is better, though it's a little cliche (except the ending) and the Mayor's story is probably the best because it feels the most real. You never really get to the heart of why they're on the street or offer any real character arc.
The ending sort of comes out of the blue and for Malloy's story I didn't feel it was an adequate or appropriate payoff.
The writer should watch "CRASH" and see if it sparks any ideas on how to streamline and interweave for a better payoff. I think the writer could shave 10 pages alone with terser, less verbose exposition, and probably another 20 on dialog that does nothing to move the narrative forward.
Review of: Desolation Los Angeles
reviewed by Dodgeball on 05/20/2005
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