Senior Discounts is a comedy that follows Saul, a successful scumbag NY lawyer. He wants to get away from a cheating fiancee and sees a news story about a sinkhole and decides to buy a house in Florida and hope for the investment to appreciate. When he arrives at his new home, he realizes it is located in a retirement community.
Your concept sets up a lot of comedic potential. Old people and a selfish jackass lawyer. Some scenes approached the tone and type of humor that this script needs, the old men phallus gardening scene and the old smoker's hair catching on fire. But there was little continuity from scene to scene. I never felt a lot of conflict or tension and this led to me to not care about characters or even really the action in the story.
There was little opposition and little consequence for Saul. So what if the old folks find out that he was just trying to make a buck? I don't think he would care, and frankly, they never really get that close to finding out.
I like your instinct to make Saul grow throughout the story, but it feels largely tacked on. I need to see him be worse and I need to learn, along with him, how and why he has to change. As it is, he seems to simply start talking about legacy and then lucks into the alligator heroics. I wasn't convinced.
The relationship with Maria read as half-baked. They hit it off too quickly and they set up their first date too easily. I want to see Saul work in an interesting and unique way.
I think that this script seems like it is farther from done that it really is. But I think that what you need is a very strong A story...what you have now is a couple of B-stories and some nice side characters. Give the story some real consequences so that you stakes go way up. What does Saul really want and what is threatening it? Add a strong antagonist who is funny, interesting and really wants to stick it to Saul. If you can do these things, I think that the script will read a lot smoother and funnier.
Screenplay style-wise, too long of scene description. It was a struggle for me not to skim. Keep them short, sweet and only what's necessary.
Thanks for submitting. Best of luck.
Review of: SENIOR DISCOUNTS
reviewed by jakenp on 01/29/2012
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