Spacesuits with popped collars!
Bob,
The first 20 pages are awesome. Reversing the effects of water and beer is great, and the alternate world is fun to explore. This is all full of nice imagination. I like that the aliens' talents come in handy when they have to enter the greek games and save the frat house. The Sigma Nu boys are entertaining too - I love Chad's Alan Greenspan poster.
My major suggestions are:
1. The story should get zanier. With such a wacky set-up, the college campus feels too real and too tame. For a story like this, I want to see all the wild possibilities available for a setting like a college campus. They're only in class for about one page, there's really only one party scene, they don't go to any sporting events, and they don't get join or encounter any organizations other than the fraternity. Try to get more out of your setting, and each scene should explore the idea - "what if aliens were on a college campus?"
2. It seems like we need more of a struggle between the Sigma Nus and the ABTs. One of the things that made Animal House so great was the battle of pranks going back and forth between the Deltas and the Omegas - though mostly from the Deltas. In "Frat Boys," it feels like there's animosity and a lot of talk back and forth, but not much in the way of funny attacks.
3. There's really no sign of school administrators. Isn't this where the threat of charter revocation should come from?
4. The story seems split between two climaxes - the Greek Games and stopping Gill from destroying the Earth. The thing is, these two events don't really overlap, so it seems kind of arbitrary. Is there a way you can connect the two plots (will they win the greek games / will they save the Earth) so that their actions in one cause the other?
5. Chad needs to cause more trouble for the aliens. Maybe he should discover the REAL truth and try to expose them. What if, after losing the Greek Games he somehow destroys one of their ACLUs and shows everyone that they're aliens? Maybe the college kids just think it's cool - or they think that that's what people from Croatia look like. In any case, Chad should make their mission to find cubic zirconia and get home harder.
The story is entertaining and fun, and I feel like it should get even zanier. It also needs some consolidation in the climax, but I really enjoyed reading this. Again, I hope this was helpful, and I wish you luck with your next drafts! Let me know if you have any questions.
-Andy
Other Reviews by andrewkula
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David & Bob,
I had a lot of fun reading Czechmate. The title is clever, there are a lot of visual gags and solid jokes ("Beverly Hills Ninety Thousand Two Hundred Ten"), and the story moves along nicely. From the start, both Bob and Jody were easy to relate to and easy to like even though they have clear problems and flaws. Plus, we get a good sense of what each of them...
David & Bob,
I had a lot of fun reading Czechmate. The title is clever, there are a lot of visual gags and solid jokes ("Beverly Hills Ninety Thousand Two Hundred Ten"), and the story moves along nicely. From the start, both Bob and Jody were easy to relate to and easy to like even though they have clear problems and flaws. Plus, we get a good sense of what each of them needs from a (czech)mate, and they seem to compliment each other really well. The setting takes us into some great locations, from the glitz ang glamour of Prague to the glitz and glamour of Branson - parallel, but painfully different. Overall, it was really amusing and entertaining throughout. I also have some suggestions for you:
1. I'd like to see more focus on Jodi's career at the end. Aside from finding the right guy, we don't really see any change in her life. Early on, we know that her dream job is to do makeup for a talk show. This comes in handy when she needs to disguise herself, but we never get an answer to the question of what kind of job she can get with her talents. Maybe someone should hear about her schemes, be impressed with the quality of her work, and offer her a dream job at a theater or studio. At the end of Mrs. Doubtfire, we see how Daniel's scheme leads to an improved relationship with his kids AND a dream job hosting a TV show, and I think a similar approach would work well in Czechmate.
2. The children's theater seems arbitrary. Mrs. Hajek mentions something about Mrs. Novotny's "pipe dreams" but we don't get any clear indication of what they are. Later, we see Mrs. Novotny (as Iron Eagle) at a rehearsal, but it doesn't seem to have a strong connection to the plot or themes of the story. When the whole plot to dupe Bob turns out to be Mrs. Novotny's plan to finance her children's theater, it feels like a zany ploy for laughs that is too much of a stretch even for this story. Kids doing Kafka can be funny, but it has to have a stronger grounding for it to work, at least for me.
3. The story could make more use of Bob's musical talents. With a main character as a musical prodigy, it seems like he should do more to utilize his talents. There was a good scene where he transitions from classical to Pink Floyd on the cello. Maybe this this display, combining his two worlds (his mother's old-fashioned, Czech, & stuffy / Jody's young, Chicago, & fun) should get more prominent placement. Between the children's theater and the wedding at the end, it seems like there are a few natural "performance" places where Bob could bring harmony to his two worlds through music.
4. I think this "Czechmate" trip misses a lot of opportunities for humor with supporting characters. Who else is going on this voyage to find a Czech bride? What are their dates like? Movies like 40 Year Old Virgin make great use of a core of supporting characters to amplify the humor around the hero while we can still take him somewhat seriously. I think it might be a good idea to have Bob befriend 2-3 other clients so we can laugh at some of their misadventures and culture clashes.
I think this script is well on its way and, it's in capable hands. I wish you all the best, and I hope my suggestions are helpful. Let me know if you have any questions or you want to discuss anything further. Good luck!
- Andy
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Sam,
Your story has some very nice, poignant moments. I think Grandpa describing the origins of his wood slab and the old lady videotaping a message to her husband both conveyed genuine emotion. The dialogue between James and Hakeen was witty but age-appropriate. James's character development was subtle but effective from the opening scene to his classroom presentation,...
Sam,
Your story has some very nice, poignant moments. I think Grandpa describing the origins of his wood slab and the old lady videotaping a message to her husband both conveyed genuine emotion. The dialogue between James and Hakeen was witty but age-appropriate. James's character development was subtle but effective from the opening scene to his classroom presentation, and the story conveys a strong message about how to value life. That said, I have a couple of suggestions for your next draft.
1. You may want to include more obstacles along the way. It seemed like the trip was too linear because there were few complications - the dead phone battery and them losing their way are difficulties, but nothing unexpected. Mrs. Combs realizes that they're gone, but we don't see her searching for them, and we don't get the sense that she could prevent them from completing their journey. She seems like a logical choice for an obstacle - they can't reach heaven if James's mother finds them first and brings them home.
2. I felt like Grandpa was too healthy and lucid for his actions toward the end. Something about him abandoning his life just because he was living in a nursing home felt disturbing. Afterall, it's kind of an inconsiderate way to leave his family. Maybe it would seem more appropriate for him to seek out Heaven if he had more apparent health issues. I didn't take his diabetes to be life threatening, so it seemed like he'd probably get another 10-15 years. That made me a little uneasy with Grandpa's behavior.
3. The mythology of Wild Man William didn't really work for me. I think in a lot of ways it reminded me of a movie called "The Sandlot," which had James Earl Jones as a much-feared hermit with a dog known as "the beast." It also included a story of a ball thrown over the fence and a kid's attempts at retrieving it. I think this episode of Wild Man William can work as a way to change the boys' perspectives and teach them a lesson about prejudgment, but it should be more unique in its approach.
4. You could probably do without the explicit comparisons to the Wizard of Oz. I think this story deals with entirely different issues, and trying to draw parallels with the Wizard of Oz felt unnecessary and forced. There are probably more appropriate stories to use as parallels, but I think this would stand best on its own, without having to show why it's like things we've seen before.
5. A couple of minor questions I had: A. Why is this mountain only 200 feet tall? If it's a hill that of that size, would it even have a name? B. The old lady talks about how she never moved away in all the time since her husband died "so long ago," but she also said that it's only been about two years. C. Was James's name Andy in an earlier draft? D. Can you use the final scene to reprise the action/imagery of the opening scene? It seems like it'd be appropriate to see another discussion about how to spend the day and watch James act the opposite of what he was like when we met him.
In general, I thought this was an engaging, lively story with a solid emotional core. A pleasant read. I hope my suggestions are helpful to you, and I wish you best of luck with your revisions. If you have any questions or want to discuss anything further, please let me know. Keep it up.
- Andrew
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Bob,
I think you've done a nice job of finding a unique angle for this Spanish Civil War story. You've got some strong action scenes - the bridge fight sequence and the church ambush are both really visual and engaging. I think Michael is a compelling, sympathetic character, and Sofia has a great complexity since both of her dual-lives require such drastically different...
Bob,
I think you've done a nice job of finding a unique angle for this Spanish Civil War story. You've got some strong action scenes - the bridge fight sequence and the church ambush are both really visual and engaging. I think Michael is a compelling, sympathetic character, and Sofia has a great complexity since both of her dual-lives require such drastically different behavior. The story had good pacing and strong dialogue throughout, and your battle/murder scenes give an honest portrayal of violence rather than sensationalizing it. I think Sean's promotion is a nice twist in the story, and a good way to bring about his corruption. So, there's a lot to like in this script. I do have some suggestions, though.
1. Since the core of the story is the brothers' relationship, I think we should see more of them together, especially once they get to Spain. They arrive at the camp, and the focus shifts from them to Sofia & the Fascists and the politics of the Spanish Civil War. It's important to know the situation that these guys are in, but the heart of the story is about Michael's struggle to save Sean (both from physical danger and his own internal corruption). The themes of the story should focus on the dynamic of that brother-brother relationship. Two scenes that really nailed their dynamic were their first reunion scene (Michael hits Sean with his pillow) and the beach scene (where they go swimming toward the end). Otherwise, their relationship can be hard to grasp; they seem close, but it's hard to tell why Sean is worth fighting for. Michael has grown up with Sean for 20 years, so he knows Sean's redeeming qualities, but we as the audience get only a few glimpses into Sean's nicer side. Which brings me to...
2. Sean's character. We see him as a vicious killer from the get-go, so there isn't enough development or room to sympathize with him. I would suggest that his first few acts of violence are less heartless but still incriminating so they can contrast more with this cold-blooded murders toward the end. Instead of retaliating for a street-fight and shooting up a poker game, maybe he should be responding to a threat against his family. Instead of chasing down the fleeing soldier, maybe he could kill him to protect Michael or Jack. If the first two killing scenes were more justifiable, Sean's character will be more human and easier to relate to. This could make his decline into the hatred and violence of military power more tragic and less expected.
3. I think the scene where Cordelia turns Michael away from her door could use some work. This should be the kind of rejection that really rips his heart out because it should be strong (and permanent) enough to free him up for this voyage to Spain. Are there any visuals or action here to make it more compelling? Also, it seems like his decision to follow Sean comes only after Cordelia rejects him. I think it should be motivated by his relationship with Sean more than his relationship with Cordelia. You may want to build a stronger connection to Sean's need for protection and Michael's willingness to go. Maybe Cordelia's rejection scene should go before Michael asks the priest for help. Then Father McCallan could tell him that if he wants a guardian to look after after his brother, he'd better do it yourself because you'll get no help from God.
4. Sofia spends a lot of time at the rebel camp, and I wonder how she manages that without compromising her identity to the fascists. How does she get away to help with the training? For the ambush in San Pedro? Is she not expected to work for Garcia every day? How would she get away without raising suspicion? The housekeeper spy in "Pan's Labyrinth" is a good example of having trouble contributing to the anti-Franco movement because of her closeness to officers. I think Sofia can work well, but we need to know how she manages to keep her loyalties secret.
5. You may want to reorganize the last few scenes. The main story line is what goes on with Michael and Sean, so one killing the other should be the climax of the story. Putting Michael and Sofia in a standoff with nationalist troops at Sofia's mother's house seems like an unnecessary and extra climax scene. It's a good scene, but it could work better before the real climax (Michael shoots Sean).
Kudos on a strong story and interesting characters, Bob. This was a good read. I hope my suggestions are helpful for you, and I wish you best of luck with your revisions. Let me know if you have any questions or want more specific feedback. Keep up the good work!
- Andy
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