The first 20 pages are awesome. Reversing the effects of water and beer is great, and the alternate world is fun to explore. This is all full of nice imagination. I like that the aliens' talents come in handy when they have to enter the greek games and save the frat house. The Sigma Nu boys are entertaining too - I love Chad's Alan Greenspan poster.
My major suggestions are:
1. The story should get zanier. With such a wacky set-up, the college campus feels too real and too tame. For a story like this, I want to see all the wild possibilities available for a setting like a college campus. They're only in class for about one page, there's really only one party scene, they don't go to any sporting events, and they don't get join or encounter any organizations other than the fraternity. Try to get more out of your setting, and each scene should explore the idea - "what if aliens were on a college campus?"
2. It seems like we need more of a struggle between the Sigma Nus and the ABTs. One of the things that made Animal House so great was the battle of pranks going back and forth between the Deltas and the Omegas - though mostly from the Deltas. In "Frat Boys," it feels like there's animosity and a lot of talk back and forth, but not much in the way of funny attacks.
3. There's really no sign of school administrators. Isn't this where the threat of charter revocation should come from?
4. The story seems split between two climaxes - the Greek Games and stopping Gill from destroying the Earth. The thing is, these two events don't really overlap, so it seems kind of arbitrary. Is there a way you can connect the two plots (will they win the greek games / will they save the Earth) so that their actions in one cause the other?
5. Chad needs to cause more trouble for the aliens. Maybe he should discover the REAL truth and try to expose them. What if, after losing the Greek Games he somehow destroys one of their ACLUs and shows everyone that they're aliens? Maybe the college kids just think it's cool - or they think that that's what people from Croatia look like. In any case, Chad should make their mission to find cubic zirconia and get home harder.
The story is entertaining and fun, and I feel like it should get even zanier. It also needs some consolidation in the climax, but I really enjoyed reading this. Again, I hope this was helpful, and I wish you luck with your next drafts! Let me know if you have any questions.
Review of: Frat Boys from Outer Space
reviewed by andrewkula on 05/16/2007
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