Stand By Me Scarface
This is a funny concept with great dialog. You really capture the way bratty kids talk.
It was a fun script. My suggestions are:
-Raise the stakes in the first half.
-I have trouble suspending disbelief over the way he got the routes. Perhaps he could earn them more organically? I can't imagine Sully would reward him for ruining his life, or that he wouldn't get in trouble for destroying a house.
-Karen's pep talk is great. She uses that bratty kid diction.
I like how you made parallels to Scorsese or DePalma movies about the rise of drug kingpins or mafia types - with the candy as a substitute for drugs.
Overall, good job!
Other Reviews by Michael Keller
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This is a very interesting script. Here are my running notes:
-Good attention grabbing opening scene.
-Destiny having a doppelganger seems very dark and Jungian. Perhaps her "double" should have some starkly opposite, dark character traits.
-Madeline is a very endearing character. I like how she waxes philosophical.
-Am I misreading it, or is Destiny dating her shrink?...
This is a very interesting script. Here are my running notes:
-Good attention grabbing opening scene.
-Destiny having a doppelganger seems very dark and Jungian. Perhaps her "double" should have some starkly opposite, dark character traits.
-Madeline is a very endearing character. I like how she waxes philosophical.
-Am I misreading it, or is Destiny dating her shrink? Robert can get his license revoked for that… It’s good that you create this conflict but why not address the risk?
-I‘m about one third though the script and it’s not entirely clear to me what the protagonist wants and what’s stopping her from getting it. Is her objective simply to understand her dream?
-A Columbia House CD mailing seems dated.
-Now I’m 2/3 through and it’s still not completely clear to me what she wants or what’s at stake. Maybe I’m dense and I just don’t get it. But even mind-bending movies like Inception explain the rules of their world, so people can better identify with the characters.
-The climactic disaster scene is great.
-I like how all the plot elements tie together in the end.
And yes, these are conflicts and complications in the middle. I guess you can say in retrospect her goal was to understand her dream. But it’s not like she earned it –- events unfolded in a sort of predetermined way and it wasn't clear what was the “alternate” route she could have taken in life that would have prevented her from saving her sister. So my main concern is that she should have to work hard to learn something important and overcome some obstacles to really earn her success.
But overall, great job! I enjoyed the script.
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The Four Hour Workweek is funny and heartwarming, with endearing characters. Overall, I enjoyed it, but my main concern is that there isn't much conflict, since we already know what will happen to Bobby, and he seems to achieve his smaller goals quite easily, so it reads like a sort of amusing travelogue.
-It might be funny if Mr. Greenberg starts out normal and then suddenly...
The Four Hour Workweek is funny and heartwarming, with endearing characters. Overall, I enjoyed it, but my main concern is that there isn't much conflict, since we already know what will happen to Bobby, and he seems to achieve his smaller goals quite easily, so it reads like a sort of amusing travelogue.
-It might be funny if Mr. Greenberg starts out normal and then suddenly turns on Kenneth when he sees he won’t get what he wants. It doesn't make sense for him to start out hostile before he knows the bad news.
-The first few pages do a great job of showing what kind of pathetic life our protagonist leads, and of generating a lot of sympathy for him. Good job!
-If Bobby made all this money, why would he need to live with Kennith? I can understand wanting to spend time with him, but he could always rent the apartment down the hall. It would make more sense and raise the stakes if Bobby were broke.
-Paxton ranting in front of the waitress is funny.
-They already made so much money from the MRE business to jet-set around?
-Bobby is showing zero symptoms of illness for most of it.
-I’m sort of 2/3 through and a lot of the scenes are funny, but it’s not entirely clear at this point what is the protagonists’ goal? What is preventing the achievement of that goal? What’s at stake?
-It’s generally frowned upon to put music cues in a spec script.
-Heartwarming last few pages.
Overall, good job!
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This is a funny concept and a cleanly executed story. I don’t have so many notes, because the script seems to accomplish its intended purpose:
-No need to editorialize in the first paragraph. Trust your audience.
-Perhaps establish his impotence in the first scene with some kid of humiliation?
-You do a good job of making Randall likable.
-The pacing is good and the dialog...
This is a funny concept and a cleanly executed story. I don’t have so many notes, because the script seems to accomplish its intended purpose:
-No need to editorialize in the first paragraph. Trust your audience.
-Perhaps establish his impotence in the first scene with some kid of humiliation?
-You do a good job of making Randall likable.
-The pacing is good and the dialog is breezy.
-If Randall and Christina already hit it off, he no longer needs the pretense of being driven to work to go out with her. It doesn't make him look bad if he’s helping out a friend and letting Jim crash.
-Wouldn't Jim’s wife get fired (and possibly prosecuted) for giving the children hormones?
-The structure is sound.
Overall, good job!
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