This is a funny concept with great dialog. You really capture the way bratty kids talk.
It was a fun script. My suggestions are:
-Raise the stakes in the first half.
-I have trouble suspending disbelief over the way he got the routes. Perhaps he could earn them more organically? I can't imagine Sully would reward him for ruining his life, or that he wouldn't get in trouble for destroying a house.
-Karen's pep talk is great. She uses that bratty kid diction.
I like how you made parallels to Scorsese or DePalma movies about the rise of drug kingpins or mafia types - with the candy as a substitute for drugs.
Overall, good job!
Review of: The Last Paperboys
reviewed by Michael Keller on 03/11/2011
Other Reviews by Michael Keller 243
A review of Intersectionby Michael Keller on 12/10/2012This is a very interesting script. Here are my running notes: -Good attention grabbing opening scene. -Destiny having a doppelganger seems very dark and Jungian. Perhaps her "double" should have some starkly opposite, dark character traits. -Madeline is a very endearing character. I like how she waxes philosophical. -Am I misreading it, or is Destiny dating her shrink?... read
A review of The Four Hour Workweekby Michael Keller on 12/03/2012The Four Hour Workweek is funny and heartwarming, with endearing characters. Overall, I enjoyed it, but my main concern is that there isn't much conflict, since we already know what will happen to Bobby, and he seems to achieve his smaller goals quite easily, so it reads like a sort of amusing travelogue. -It might be funny if Mr. Greenberg starts out normal and then suddenly... read
A review of Penis Envy (NEW DRAFT)by Michael Keller on 11/12/2012This is a funny concept and a cleanly executed story. I donít have so many notes, because the script seems to accomplish its intended purpose: -No need to editorialize in the first paragraph. Trust your audience. -Perhaps establish his impotence in the first scene with some kid of humiliation? -You do a good job of making Randall likable. -The pacing is good and the dialog... read