This is a funny concept with great dialog. You really capture the way bratty kids talk.
It was a fun script. My suggestions are:
-Raise the stakes in the first half.
-I have trouble suspending disbelief over the way he got the routes. Perhaps he could earn them more organically? I can't imagine Sully would reward him for ruining his life, or that he wouldn't get in trouble for destroying a house.
-Karen's pep talk is great. She uses that bratty kid diction.
I like how you made parallels to Scorsese or DePalma movies about the rise of drug kingpins or mafia types - with the candy as a substitute for drugs.
Overall, good job!
Review of: The Last Paperboys
reviewed by Michael Keller on 03/11/2011
Other Reviews by Michael Keller 272
A review of Mac D: Private Investigatorby Michael Keller on 07/22/2014Mac D is a fun, entertaining read, filled with interesting twists. The protagonist a likable scoundrel. I did have a little trouble suspending my disbelief about how the criminal mastermind expected to offshore the cash, but other than that, it was a great read. Here are a few running notes: -Mac is a funny, dodgy character. -P19. Mac holstered his gun in two successive paragraphs... read
A review of Strangers in the Nightby Michael Keller on 07/14/2014Strangers in the Night is a well-written, tense, absorbing crime drama, with snappy dialog, and characters and settings that ring both psychologically true and period authentic. I enjoyed reading it, but sometimes had a little trouble following the story, since there are so many different characters, with similar names. If I were to change anything, I would focus more on... read
A review of Running the Asylumby Michael Keller on 07/12/2014Running the Asylum is a professionally rendered, commercially viable action/thriller. It's a quick and entertaining read. I think it could also work as a video game. I have no major issues with it. Here are my running notes and minor nitpicks: -Very evocative opening page, giving us hints about how the guy feels and where he is in his life. -Good tension with the sweating... read