This is a funny concept with great dialog. You really capture the way bratty kids talk.
It was a fun script. My suggestions are:
-Raise the stakes in the first half.
-I have trouble suspending disbelief over the way he got the routes. Perhaps he could earn them more organically? I can't imagine Sully would reward him for ruining his life, or that he wouldn't get in trouble for destroying a house.
-Karen's pep talk is great. She uses that bratty kid diction.
I like how you made parallels to Scorsese or DePalma movies about the rise of drug kingpins or mafia types - with the candy as a substitute for drugs.
Overall, good job!
Review of: The Last Paperboys
reviewed by Michael Keller on 03/11/2011
Other Reviews by Michael Keller 277
A review of Kindergarten Detective (V3)by Michael Keller on 11/08/2014Kindergarten Detective is a funny, family-friendly, professionally rendered comedy. I enjoyed it very much. Here are my running notes: -Ha! Love the reveal of Rocky and his “drinking problem” -He definitely reads a lot older than 5, but I guess it’s sort of necessary and I’ll look the other way. -All the colorful kindergarten characters are very endearing. -I love the case... read
A review of Through Thick and Thinby Michael Keller on 11/06/2014This is a really fun, feel-good script. I enjoyed it very much. Here are my running notes: -Sounds like it will be a fun read. The premise reminds me a bit of Billy Madison. -Wouldn’t Dempsey actually go toward the spray of cake batter, to get his fill? -It’s good that you establish the brothers’ antagonistic relationship early on. But I’d go a little more subtle with lines... read
A review of "WOW! Never Expected That!"by Michael Keller on 11/04/2014Hi! I’ve never reviewed an anthology. I’ll try… "DECEMBER 21st" by Justin O'Hanley (J. O'Hanley) Very funny. I liked the deadpan humor and the likeable, everyman protagonist. The contrast between his pedestrian dialog and the Armageddon outside is funny. I would have liked a more surprising twist at the end. Overall, good job! "THE BRIEFCASE" by Bruce Rose (brrose) Good suspense... read