Still Life
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this novel. Jameson and Charley make a great couple and their predicament(s) serve to engage the reader beyond a mere desire to know what happens next, you want to know HOW and you want to know NOW. This is the first page-turner I've read here, I was engrossed.
A couple of issues spring to mind:
1) The killer's motivation is understandable but not actually convincing. I'm not saying try something else, just find the means to help us believe it. And Jameson's a little too detached emotionally about it in the last couple of pages. I did have the culprit up as prime suspect as soon as I met them, too; I don't mean that smugly, just to help you realise that perhaps they're not as well hidden as you'd like. Maybe make the other suspects smell less like red herrings and become a little more obscure themselves? And/or find a way of "ruling out" the killer's identity so our thoughts lead elsewhere? It's a game of redirection and sleight of hand...
2) The narrative still needs some work. Too many times does the same word appear three or more times in consecutive sentences and it jars. Carry a thesaurus around with you, or use thesaurus.com (always on my Firefox search bar!), they're fantastic tools. Missing words are still common. Just give the story a scan through and you'll find them. Generally, much of the prose works (especially during Jameson's middle act at the cabin) but now and again it suddenly dips to a different level of writing, almost as if you've concentrated on certain parts over others. A lot of the dialogue follows the same pattern. It's obvious you're capable, but more self-editing is required.
The book is a touch overlong for the same reason: self-edit and you could shave 50 pages off easily without losing any depth. It'll only benefit.
Overall, this is a good book and it could be great. I've just realised who you are, and recall Hurricane Killers as a great, great script. You clearly have talent, and have high chances of a future in the world of professional fiction, so keep on writing...
Other Reviews by worshipman
49
-
The Adventures of the Mad Hatters more than lives up to its title: crazy risks paying off time after time. I enjoyed the exploits of these two lunatics and their schemes. Characters were good, and some of the information behind how they got away with it each time more than intrigued.
The only downside I found was in the style of the narrative. The story unfolds in a single,...
The Adventures of the Mad Hatters more than lives up to its title: crazy risks paying off time after time. I enjoyed the exploits of these two lunatics and their schemes. Characters were good, and some of the information behind how they got away with it each time more than intrigued.
The only downside I found was in the style of the narrative. The story unfolds in a single, lengthy monologue and is very dry in its telling. "We did this; then we did that; that happened; we went there instead", that kind of thing. If you can attend to the rhythm of the piece a little more, it'll come alive: taking more time to dwell on dialogue and intimate moments between the guys as they bond, upping the ante during the more tense moments (when they're meeting with officials on false grounds, and the hiding from the authorities and banks on the Dubai coast, for example). It's fine letting this remain as if our "hero" (you) is sitting down one evening and telling us his riveting life-story, but lift it from facts and figures and help us immerse ourselves in the picture ourselves. Then it'll take on a whole new level.
Well done anyway, it's a great story... That Mitch... blimey... :D
read
-
Blimey. This novel must have taken some time to write...? This tale/opus is indeed of a scale to match its setting and storyline, but I wonder if that acts to its detriment. It took me a while to really get into the story and WANT to read more, finding the myriad of characters initially rather confusing (something which didn't entirely rectify itself) but come page 100 or so...
Blimey. This novel must have taken some time to write...? This tale/opus is indeed of a scale to match its setting and storyline, but I wonder if that acts to its detriment. It took me a while to really get into the story and WANT to read more, finding the myriad of characters initially rather confusing (something which didn't entirely rectify itself) but come page 100 or so the enjoyment took over.
There are some wonderful characters - Kwan, Joy and J37 particularly spring to mind - but others, notably Nieves in some ways, pale in comparison. Ocho is our main guy, and he's a tough nut, tough enough to root for and cheer on, but he doesn't stick in the mind like those others I've mentioned. Which is a shame, since he's our No.1. Also, his Indigo Suede history is ultimately a red herring that does little to serve the character. Sure, give Ocho scarring, pain, loss, etc, but when it's broadcast early on as a major part of the story and then not actually followed up on, it becomes a let-down instead. "I wanna see more of Indigo Suede..." Either let Mr Suede have a posthumous influence on the current proceedings or leave him out of it completely.
Other characters become blurry, and it gets very difficult remembering who's who, and even exactly what's happening, even when the revelation has come (you can still be left thinking "Wot?", "who's Edlestein again?", etc) and so some extra clarification is still required in redrafting.
One other thing is your over-use of adjectives and hyperbole. Allow the reader to catch a breath and enjoy the story and the characters rather than your clever use of simile and metaphor. I'm not saying don't do it at all, just slim it down. It only weighs the narrative down at present and can become a little wearisome. A lot of thought has obviously gone into creating the world and the smaller details (the handfeed’s workings, the X-237 ammo, “Upper” and “Lower” Esperanto, etc), but there is actually too much descriptive narrative; it detracts from the thrust of the story and we have to fight an urge to skip through the “pragmatic benches” and the “dark stains that could be (but aren’t limited to) blood”, and the lists of petty drug dealers, pimps, and quiet rapists on the corner of a street. These morsels of your world are great when told as secondary to actual narrative, but there is too much of it and it weakens the strength of the tale. You can say the same in fewer words and maintain a pace as well.
Ultimately, this book is a phenomenal feat - sorry if the previous paragraphs seem a little down, I'm trying to help Onward, Exodus become the best it can be - and you have accomplished something to be proud of. With work, Onward, Exodus could be great. There is some wonderful detail in there, and the tale bears elements of William Gibson and Ian M Banks - names worth being compared to - but I don't believe it's complete yet. Trim the narrative by 100 pages (seriously, and that's not unrealistic, nor unachievable) and provide a little more clarification of events and who's who. THEN you've got something worth taking further. I look forward (yeah, really...) to reading another draft or further output from yourself. Keep writing, buddy, you're talented...
(BTW, if you want a list of typos I found, email me and I can email them in return, didn't wanna fill the review up with them...)
read
-
Nice! Very affecting. I really appreciated the split screen technique, and especially the framing ideas and choreography thrown in with it, too. I liked it so much, that it was a little disappointing to see it disappear when they hit the fruit pie section. I can see why it needed to go, two separate souls MEETING, hence the loss of a separation, but I still found that short...
Nice! Very affecting. I really appreciated the split screen technique, and especially the framing ideas and choreography thrown in with it, too. I liked it so much, that it was a little disappointing to see it disappear when they hit the fruit pie section. I can see why it needed to go, two separate souls MEETING, hence the loss of a separation, but I still found that short section the highlight.
Anyways, the rest was still good, honest! His acting was perhaps a little too eager, but hers was very natural. Their banter was fun, well-written.
The ending was touching and what we wanted, despite being broadcast from the start.
Well done. A good movie.
read
+ more reviews
