Superb!
13-Romeo was a fantastically enjoyable screenplay written with talent and skill. This may well be the least constructive review I’ve ever written. There’s really nothing much negative I can say.
I think therefore, I’ll talk a bit about a couple of things you may be criticised for by other people on this site, namely your use of unfilmmables in your action lines and your extensive use of flashbacks. I’m sure you will probably get feedback from others, probably new to screenwriting, who have read in some theory book that flashbacks are bad and that you should only write what you see and will therefore criticise you for these things without really knowing why. I’m not totally against screenwriting theory. Flashbacks and unfilmmables are used badly far more often then they are used well. However, in your case they are both used to great effect and so I would urge you not to be put off by the inevitable comments you’ll get telling you that you’re wrong to use them.
In the case of your use of unfilmmables in your action lines I felt they were used sparingly enough and to good effect and I very much liked them. They draw the reader into the story and serve to give some personality to your writing. These are some of the best action lines I’ve read.
As for your use of flashbacks I think they work well for two reasons. First, these are parallel plots with their own motivations, interest and story arcs. It’s use and structure reminded me of Blue Valentine and, though a very different film, I think this aspect works for the same reasons. Flashbacks are bad when they solely exist as an easy way to provide exposition. This is not the case here.
Second, these flashbacks help to break up the action and give the script a beating heart that is missing from most action screenplays. I find action on its own can get tiresome if it drags on for too long. These short sharp bursts of action work better at keeping our attention then if we saw the hostage situation uninterrupted for its duration. I was reminded of the huge battle sequence in LotR – TT where the action was intercut with quieter more personal moments that served an effective juxtaposition and created an investment in the characters that made their peril all the more engaging.
The only slight reservation I have is with the first flashback. As a set piece it’s well structured and gripping and it helps explain why Shep loves his job so much. However, this is an example of how showing a scene in flashback can have its drawbacks. It suffers from the fact that we know what the outcome is going to be, from the medal of life saving and the fact that Shep and Dane are still around in the present. We know that nobody dies right from the outset, which lessons any potential suspense. It also doesn’t have any relation to the relationship story of Shep and Amy and so is independent from the parallel plot of the other flashbacks.
Perhaps think about having this scene at the start of the Screenplay instead of the fake peril with the Bot water canon. This way the scene could be played out in the present and this would increase the urgency and tension of the scene. The opening scene with the Bot was well executed but this sort of trickery has been a bit over done in the past. The gimmick's somewhat tired and audiences may just end up feeling a little cheated.
A few notes;
Pg 18 – the short bit of dialogue at the end here felt a little forced. Is this really what Shep would say in this situation or is it what you’d like him to say because it ties into your theme?
Pg 20 – too much exposition from Ma.
Pg 38 – love the sex scene and the hilariously embarrassing situation it places Shep in.
Pg 62 – be good to have a brief description of these hostages along with their names and ages, something simple the reader can visualise.
Pg 73 – THE BEAR? – not sure what this is.
I needed more motivation to explain why Trent sides with Resnick.
I like how Edwards provides a link between the two timelines.
Very much liked the ending with Shep sacrificing himself. Like all the best endings it’s at once both sad and uplifting; sad because he was such a likeable character but at the same time you get the sense that, just like a Samurai warrior, this is exactly the way Shep would have wanted to go out, sacrificing his life in the heat of the battle for the greater good and dying an honourable death. Clearly old age and retirement wouldn’t have suited Shep and as much as I’m sure he loved Amy, and Amy loved him, she’s clearly better off with Edwards.
Hope this has been of some help and thanks for a gripping read. If this doesn’t get an SOM nomination it’ll be a travesty.
All the best,
Jack
Other Reviews by jackjohns
34
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IMPRINT - REVIEW
This was an engrossing script. It had me hooked throughout. This is my 34th review and I don't think I've ever given a script an excellent in any category though I'm going to give this an excellent for structure as the pace was faultless throughout and the way that you set up questions, kept them hidden and then revealed the answers later on was great.
Here...
IMPRINT - REVIEW
This was an engrossing script. It had me hooked throughout. This is my 34th review and I don't think I've ever given a script an excellent in any category though I'm going to give this an excellent for structure as the pace was faultless throughout and the way that you set up questions, kept them hidden and then revealed the answers later on was great.
Here are my notes;
Good title.
pg 7 - 'Falsifications' - Daisy hasn't got the right word here (maybe intentional?). Falsification is the act of disproving something. It's not a synonym for 'lies' or 'rumours.'
Good opening - I'm intrigued. Maybe better to give the Skinny Dude an actual name as this might fool the reader into thinking he's the protagonist and make it more of a shock when he gets killed off; the screenplay equivalent of having a famous actor play the person who gets knocked off in the opening sequence, Drew Barrymore in Scream, Guy Pierce in Hurt Locker etc…Maybe even go further and give him internal and external goals. E.g. He watched helpless as some gangster killed his wife and he needs to get his revenge in order to feel a sense of self worth but needs to find the unknown man to help him achieve this. Not saying you should do exactly that but any way in which you can increase the unexpectedness and impact of a twist is worth thinking about. Fooling the reader into thinking that he is the protagonist would certainly achieve this.
pg 27 - I'd cut 'you know the answer to that.' It makes it sound too obviously expositional. If Rick knew the answer why would he ask? And why would Donovan then explain.
pg 34 - 'The bass from the main floor pounds at the walls like it wants out' your descriptive writing is excellent. I particularly like this one. Some reviewers may tell you to cut extra flourishes such as 'like it wants out' but i think these flourishes create atmosphere and colour and make for a more enjoyable read.
pg 93 - Daisy 'We've all felt lost…why am I?' - this is good but I would have liked to have got more of a sense that Rick felt this way earlier on the script. That he felt lost and confused and without purpose. He mentions something along these lines once to Kira but I never really got much of a sense of this through his actions. This is a strong theme but it doesn't run all the way through the script. Perhaps make it clearer that Rick feels as though his only purpose in life is to help Kira and that when she says that she doesn't need his help he feels directionless.
pg 98 - Just a thought but what if maybe we don't see Rick's 'contact' with Daisy and we only realise what's happened when Perry clocks Vinson.
It was interesting finally finding out who Daisy was but I was disappointed, after you seemed to set her up as such an integral character that she didn't really have much part to play in the actual story. Rick could have used anyone in the way that he used Daisy.
I like the ending even though I'm not exactly sure what it means.
If I have one criticism it is to do with theme. I spent much of the read thinking that this was a very engrossing script but that it lacked a theme. It's clear from the talk with Daisy on pg 93 that you do have a theme, and a good one at that, in mind; The idea of feeling lost and not knowing ones place in the world. However, apart from that conversation and a brief earlier one with his sister I didn't feel this theme really really manifested itself throughout the script as a whole. It felt tacked on top rather than being the essential core of the story as this need in Rick didn't seem to inform the majority of his actions during the script. Perhaps he felt that protecting and looking out for his sister was the way that he found purpose in the world I also wasn't entirely sure how the ending related to this either. I feel like you probably have an answer to how the ending relates to the theme and if so that's cool. I just have to be honest and say, as beautiful, bitter sweet and cinematic as that last image was I didn't quite get how it solved Rick's spiritual yearnings.
Anyway, all in all an excellent read. Good luck with all your future writings,
Jack
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This was a very interesting Screenplay. It's hard to go into particularly detailed criticism as it didn't really conform to classical Screenplay structure (not a bad thing) and felt quite Lynchian. I love David Lynch but always find it hard to articulate why things seems to work for me or not when it comes to his films.
Anyway, I do think it was good not great and will try...
This was a very interesting Screenplay. It's hard to go into particularly detailed criticism as it didn't really conform to classical Screenplay structure (not a bad thing) and felt quite Lynchian. I love David Lynch but always find it hard to articulate why things seems to work for me or not when it comes to his films.
Anyway, I do think it was good not great and will try my best to articulate some things that I think could improve this Screenplay.
Notes;
Not sure about your title, it's a bit hokey.
pg 1 - cut superfluous lines such as 'Before he does' and 'at the doorway' You want to keep your actions lines as lean as possible.
pg 1 - You should write Fade In: at the start.
pg 1 - the clown is a bit cliched.
pg 3 - You need to tell us what age Ian and Joseph are when you introduce them, as well as give a short description of their personalities.
pg 6 - not sure why you've written voice over when they both appear to be on the screen.
Despite some technical issues I'm enjoying the first few pages. The dialogues good and I like that you don't spell everything out. Makes me want to read on and find out more.
pg 15 - If the characters move into a different room then you need a new scene heading. I do like the seamless jumps into the future though, very inventive.
page 20 - Cut the Fade To's
pg 24 - I like Joseph's dream…very weird and creepy. Quite Lynchian.
pg 25 - 'the writer just wanted to fuck with the main character as much as possible' - is this a comment on your own approach?
pg 26 - Feels like the classic bad dream where you wake up on the morning of your exams and have forgotten to revise. I'm thinking perhaps Joseph's life will gradually start to get more and more dreamlike. We'll see…
pg 32 - Your action lines could do with a bit of work. There's too many superfluous words and too much passive voice. E.g. the scene on this page in the office bathroom would be better written as;
INT. OFFICE BATHROOM - NIGHT
Joseph washes his hands. He stares into the mirror, exhausted.
INT. OFFICE HALLWAY - NIGHT
He passes several people leaving the office. Some lights are out.
A janitor vacuums in the distance.
INT. OFFICE - NIGHT
Joseph sits down at his desk. etc….
You don't need to repeat the location in the action lines as that is already covered in the scene heading. In this case you could also use sub headings rather than full scene headings, so for example, you could have INT. OFFICE - NIGHT as the main heading and then write sub headings indicating which part of the office he is in e.g.
INT. OFFICE - NIGHT
Establishing shot.
JOSPEH'S OFFICE
Joseph does something blah blah blah….
COPY ROOM
Joseph does something else blah blah blah…
BATHROOM
Joseph washes hands yak yak yak
Etc.
pg 39 - I think you could probably cut this long conversation with Ian as it doesn't tell us anything we don't already know.
pg 55 - I like that Joseph is no longer scared and seems to be going completely batshit.
pg 94 - I don't get what Joseph is horrified by. Are we meant to know? Is it something under the bandage. You state that we see the Blind Man's face but you never explain what it is under the bandage that is so horrifying. Is the Blind Man Joseph? You need to make it clearer what it is we are actually seeing.
However, having said that I do like the ending as it's pretty creepy. I don't really understand it but that's not necessarily a negative. I do think the ending should mean something or have some symbolic value. Maybe it does. Being shocking and creepy is good but not enough. However, I prefer an ending that is ambiguous than one in which the meaning was completely spelled out and where everything is tied in a neat little bow. Just so long as YOU know what it all means. As I say though you need to make it clearer in your writing about what actually does happen and what we actually see when the Blind Man takes off his bandage. I also think that Sam and their dead baby play such an integral part to this story that they should be represented somehow in this final image.
There is a lot of dialogue of Joseph talking to Ian/Blind Man Man/Child about the weird things that are happening to Joseph and the strange actions that he takes. I think it would be better to cut down a lot on this sort of thing and to let the audience make up their own mind about why these things are happening and what they mean. The dialogue should be about very mundane things throughout to act as a striking juxtaposition to the weird things that are happening. Also weird things and weird people always seem weirder and more unsettling if the characters aren't acknowledging the strangeness. It's the magical realism of David Lynch, where the strange and fantastical are just as real and mundane as the real and mundane, that makes his films as creepy as they are.
Hope some of that is of use and good luck with your future writing,
Jack
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This was a fairly enjoyable Screenplay written by someone with a clear ear for dialogue but it was also far too long considering how simple and linear the story was and had some serious flaws which need to be addressed if the Screenplay is to reach it's full potential. I would recommend reading Trottier's Screenwriting Bible as a lot of my criticisms of this script are explored...
This was a fairly enjoyable Screenplay written by someone with a clear ear for dialogue but it was also far too long considering how simple and linear the story was and had some serious flaws which need to be addressed if the Screenplay is to reach it's full potential. I would recommend reading Trottier's Screenwriting Bible as a lot of my criticisms of this script are explored in more detail there.
I tend to write most of my notes as I go along. So here goes;
Good title but your title page is blank.
pg 1 - Emily should be in capitals and she could also do with having a better description when introduced. Also the ER nurse should be introduced in the action lines.
pg 2 - same for Allison.
pg 4 - And David (okay, I'll stop now)
pg 4 - Cut the 'Cut To's' It's bad form and unnecessary. Considering how long this Screenplay is you don't want any wasted space.
pg 6 - I like the character of David.
pg 7 - Get rid of 'Dissolve to' and all allusions to camera. It takes the reader out of the story and puts off any potential directors who'll assume you don't know your place. They'll think you're trying to do their job for them.
pg 8 - Uh oh…I can see where this is going. Poor Emily.
pg 9 - 'I thought I'd surprise you but I guess the surprise is on me.' This line doesn't ring true. Feels too casual. Too clever clever. I think she'd either be screaming hysterically or (and this would be my preference) speechless in teary shock.
pg 11/12 - This script is very heavy on dialogue. You write dialogue well but I think a lot of it could be cut. For example I don't see the purpose of the dialogue with Emily and Zoe as they are just going over what we already know. Maybe just have Emily fall sobbing into Zoe's arms and Zoe comforting her. Maybe all Emily has to say is 'It's Peter…' and Zoe nods understanding immediately. Often the wife of a cheater is the last person to suspect infidelity.
pg 14 - I'm not sure about calling (what I assume is going to be a potential love interest) Romero. It feels contrived and corny. I also cringe a bit when I see foreigners using the odd token word in their own language 'hola,' 'si' but otherwise speaking in English. If they're both Spanish then have them speak to each other in Spanish. Write it in English and write 'in spanish' in parentheticals between their names and their dialogue. Alternatively, if you'd rather have them both speak in English maybe Mateo's Catalan or Basque. That way you could keep them both Spanish but with English as their only common tongue.
pg 15 - You should break up the action lines into individual shots. Preferably no more than four lines maximum before a break. Also cut out unnecessary lines like 'is followed by another scene.' And if the action moves to another place there needs to be a new scene heading (even if it's only in the character's head). Finally avoid using the present continuous if at all possible (embracing, waiting etc) as they are less dynamic than their quicker, cleaner and more active present simple counterparts (embraces, waits).
E.g.
A bright flash.
EXT. VICTORIAN HOUSE - DAY
Old and beautiful.
INT. VICTORIAN HOUSE - DAY
Diego embraces a woman. He leans in to kiss her.
EXT. VINEYARD - SPAIN - DAY
A Wedding
Diego waits at the altar and turns to see a veiled woman walking down the aisle, a teenage girl precedes her.
EMILY (v.o.)
Again! CLEAR!
INT. EMERGENCY ROOM - HOSPITAL - DAY
Diego pale and bloodied is laid out on a gurney. Emily prepares to paddle-shock him.
EXT. VINEYARD - SPAIN - DAY
Diego's veiled bride stands in front of him. He lifts the veil.
INT. EMERGENCY ROOM - HOSPITAL - DAY
Emily looks at the flat lined monitor.
EMILY
Still nothing. C'mon God damn it! CLEAR!
The shock from the paddles on Diego's chest.
Emily starts to lose it emotionally. Tears well up.
EXT. VINYARD - SPAIN - DAY
Diego lifts the veil..etc etc, (you get the idea).
pg 16 - Has Diego ever met Emily before? If not then why is he dreaming of her. the only thing I can think of is that his eyes are maybe partially open while getting the shock treatment and this is something between a waking dream and strange hallucination.
pg 17-19 - Again, too much dialogue. Cut it down and create more subtext.
pg 23 - Not sure I like Diego at this point. He's pretty corny, not to mention completely mental. Why does he immediately assume that a dream/hallucination he had when he was unconscious and (presumably) drugged up is a premonition? Surely the most likely explanation would be the one I described above.
pg 24 - Aha, I like the fact that Diego has a wife. I'm guessing this is going to introduce a dilemma for Emily if she falls in love with Diego. That would be an interesting situation.
pg 24 - Maybe describe Emily's office. A character's personal space can tell us a lot about that person. At the moment Emily's very likeable but a bit underdeveloped. What's her flaws, bad habits, pet hates, passions, hopes, dreams etc.
pg 34 - I'm not sure I understand why Peter wouldn't come to the soccer game. His previous actions suggests he's desperate to come home and wants to get Lily on his side. Coming to the soccer game would achieve both these things.
I think it would have been better if Emily couldn't change the meeting (as a general rule always best to make things as hard as possible for your protagonist). Maybe she has to rush from watching her daughter's football (maybe having to beg another parent to look after Lily for a few hours) to the meeting in which she enters flustered and late, thereby showing a the stress of being a single mother trying to hold down a demanding job. Would also give added credence to her boss's belief that she's not ready for the promotion.
pg 44 - why would the financial toll come into it? Surely a promotion would help that.
pg 48 - I'm not sure why Diego has fallen in love with Emily. Is it just the premonition? Or maybe her good looks, or maybe both? Either way these are both pretty dull motives. It's always more interesting if your characters fall for each other due to a certain compatibility of personality or perhaps because Emily fills some sort of void in Diego, or treats him differently to the other girls in his life. I have to admit that I hate premonitions in films (outside of fantasy). Even if such a thing did occur in real life I would still say that using it to explain someones motives is dull and lazy writing compared with exploring more complex, human, psychological options. Same with love at first sight (i.e. love based 100% on looks). I'm not saying, in the case of the latter, that it doesn't happen. Just that it's boring compared with a more complex love that grows slowly based on wants, needs, emotional support, compatibility, hidden layers, shared traumas etc etc
pg 55 - The character of Zoe seems a little bland. It feels like she exists purely so Emily has someone to dialogue with. The same is true of Mateo and David (although at least David has some personality). It is sometimes a necessary evil to have these functional characters so that your protagonists aren't just speaking to themselves. However, you need to try and hide their functionality by (a) giving them a complex, three-dimensional personality, (b) suggesting they have a life outside of Emily and Diego's orbit and most effectively (c) by having them integrated into the plot somehow.
pg 65 - I like the story of the rocking chairs.
pg 70 - I'm almost expecting Dr Billings to start cackling here. His dialogue makes him sound cartoonishly evil.
pg 81 - I think I'd like Peter to be a bit more rounded. At the moment Peter just seems to be the bad guy and Emily the good. It's always more interesting if we can empathise with both characters. You don't need to excuse Peter's cheating but why not explore why he felt the need/desire to cheat. Maybe Emily wasn't the perfect wife. Maybe he fell in love with the other girl. Maybe they just grew apart and Peter's been wanting out of the relationship for a while but stuck around for Lily's sake. I'm not saying we have to sympathise with Peter but in the real world people aren't just good or bad. They're a mix of many different things and it's this mix that makes them interesting. If you haven't seen it then watch the Iranian film 'A Separation' for a masterclass in how to create a conflict between characters where we can empathise completely with each different side and point of view.
pg 85 - Diego - 'You could never let me down' - very corny.
pg 86 - Why hasn't Diego and Emily got together yet? They're both single and attracted to each other. I think the problem here is that you've made it too easy for them to get together, there's no obstacles (as I said before, you should always make things as hard as possible for your protagonists) and now you're having to artificially keep them apart so that you don't climax too soon (so to speak). I'm disappointed that Diego broke it off with his wife. That would have been a genuinely interesting dilemma for Emily, particularly if (a) Emily falls madly in love with Diego (b) Diego has kid(s) with his wife and (c) Emily had previously made a big show of how immoral Peter's 'homewrecking' secret lover was. Don't be afraid to give your characters flaws. Our flaws are what make us human.
pg 95 - Diego, you pussy! Just kiss the girl already, for Christ's sake, haha.
pg 97 - I wonder why Diego won't tell her he's a famous artist. I hope it's not something lame and corny like 'I wanted you to fall in love with me for me, rather than for my talent and fame' though I wouldn't put it past him.
pg 98 - Oh wait, I seem to remember something about him saying that he didn't think she would take him on as a painter if she knew he was a famous artist. Still not sure why he's so worried about her finding out. He didn't actively lie and it's hardly a damaging secret. She'll probably just think he's incredibly modest and like him even more.
pg 103 - Don't use (beat) it's unimaginative and lazy writing. Use that pause to describe something interesting about the character, environment or focus on a particular sound.
pg 103 - Again, everything seems far too easy for Emily, dramatically speaking. While I'm sure she's worked very hard and deserves the promotion, those things aren't dramatic. You need to create proper obstacles that are difficult to overcome. Dr Billings was an obstacle but not nearly a large enough one to cause any concern, considering how useless, arrogant and unsuited to the job he was (Dr Bergman practically says so himself in their dinner meeting).
pg 104 - I like David's toast. Very funny.
pg 112 - Diego 'Maybe some day we will go there.'
pg 113 - Diego 'I was afraid if I didn't, I would never see you again.'
Emily 'I don't understand.'
Is Emily braindead? What the fuck!?
pg 115 - 'She responds accordingly' - this made laugh for some reason.
I like the scene at Diego's exhibition.
You're logline states that the car crash allows Diego to 'rediscover his humility and his heart' but as we hardly knew Diego before we're not privy at all to this potentially interesting character development.
At the moment this screenplay feels like it is written by someone with natural talent, particularly for dialogue, but who needs a bit more practice. Hopefully some of my notes have been of help to you.
Good luck and as I say, you've got talent. Keep writing.
Jack
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