This was a really enjoyable story. I'm not too proud to admit that more than once I've found myself in the wrong place on the wrong side of town. And the next morning is usually filled with those "wow, things could have gotten bad" thoughts. You do a good job of actualizing those thoughts.
The moment when he regains consciousness is stretched out nicely. There's lots of room for guessing there, and the mystery unspools slowly. Hospital? Police Station? The Doll's House? It's really not until the last page that we're sure of what's happening, and even then the strange choice of James Blunt puts things in doubt. Would backstreet organ thieves listen to James Blunt? Probably not. Would they take someone's eyes? I don't know, I've never heard of that. Where could he be? It's effectively disorientating.
I also liked the humor. A fair amount of similar stories ignore the humor inherent in the premise and approach their tale with the utmost seriousness, which is preposterous. The way you keep the tone light and crack jokes about missing fingers and Limp Bizkit keeps the story from descending into a mawkish parody, and instead helps us get behind the unfortunate narrator.
The only thing I would suggest adding is a little more atmosphere. I lived in New Orleans for a while and it's definitely of it's own world. Having been there it's pretty easy to believe that something like this could happen on one of the humid backstreets, and I think using the city a little more as a character could help fill out the story.
Anyway, thanks for the good read, I look forward to reading more of your work.
Review of: The Dollhouse
reviewed by dgburton on 03/01/2011
Other Reviews by dgburton 67
A review of Snapshot of BeautyThis is a beautifully written, tender story about how so much can unfold in just a few moments. Your prose is the strength of the piece, very sensual and descriptive, and it's easy to imagine and dream on such a sanctuary as you've created and shared here. The thoughts of the lovers, though possibly fleeting, are bound up with such universal and timeless emotion that it would... read
A review of The story of the TattooThis was quite a funny piece. You set the tone early with the light-bulb gag, and it really was a fun ride. I would think this would make a good sample piece if you were interested in writing a humor column for your local newspaper ala Dave Barry. (Do newspapers even exist anymore?) Anyway, I quite enjoyed it and you have some terrific lines. I would have liked to see the... read
A review of Tell Me a StoryI thought this was an interesting premise for a story. The narrator a little like Travis Bickle from "Taxi Driver" but even more demented and driven. I think an opportunity was missed with the victim though. I would have liked to actually here a story, as requested, rather than the begging and pleading that followed. What kind of story would the victim have told? It could have... read