This script has a lot going for it and relatively few flaws. The characters are pitch perfect, the dialog is snappy and plot is entertaining. The story is very atmospheric and real, with plenty of great little moments and vignettes.
The first act clips along quite briskly, but I hit my first speed bump around page 38. Of all the hundreds of people Sam knows, why would she chose to go with this kid whom she only met once? I know she addresses this concern later, but this scene doesn't ring true. It would never happen in real life, but you can make it believable in movie life if Lenny leaves a stronger impression on her earlier. He has to impart some kind of zen wisdom or something that resonates with her so strongly that she decides to go out on a limb and chose him. I'm not saying change his personality from flunky to master Yoda, but he has to leave her with something unique the first time they meet, and then something else must trigger the memory to motivate her to seek him out again later.
My other minor concern is that there are a couple too many coincidences. Audiences will buy one or two, but more than that is distracting and takes us out of the story. I'd leave the jackpot in there because its meaningful on several levels, but Lenny running into Sam's relatives, and finding the same trucker as before taxes credibility. (BTW - Was the bag of t-shirts referenced in an earlier deleted scene?)
I'm sure other people have already dog piled you about describing "unfilmables" in the scene descriptions, so I'll leave you alone about that.
Now I don't have a lot of conviction on my last point, but I'll bring it up for you to consider. Sam isn't very sympathetic by the end, because she's like an emotional black hole that just sucks Lenny dry and leaves him hanging. She only takes and does not give (typical actress, I know...) I like that he was almost insulted by her kiss. But I feel that if not a more sincere apology, she may owe him a deeper thanks at the end of the story.
Those are my 2 cents. Keep up the excellent work!
Review of: Deleted Scenes
reviewed by Michael Keller on 02/12/2009
Other Reviews by Michael Keller 272
A review of Running the Asylumby Michael Keller on 07/12/2014Running the Asylum is a professionally rendered, commercially viable action/thriller. It's a quick and entertaining read. I think it could also work as a video game. I have no major issues with it. Here are my running notes and minor nitpicks: -Very evocative opening page, giving us hints about how the guy feels and where he is in his life. -Good tension with the sweating... read
A review of The Empty Planetby Michael Keller on 04/03/2014The Empty Planet is a non-stop thrill ride, with vivid imagery and florid descriptions of diverse and colorful topography. With very little dialog, there is more room to delve into a visceral, visual, sensory experience. You not only render an immersive world, but even manage to take us on a tour of several distinct ecosystems. The plot and pacing are brisk and the conflict... read
A review of ONCE MORE INTO THE FRAYby Michael Keller on 03/24/2014Once More Into the Fray is competently written and commercially viable. It is a contained thriller, with terse, clear action lines that land with the impact of the strikes and shots that they describe. The structure is sound, the concept is marketable, the dialog is concise and realistic. A serviceable back-story has been woven in to give the protagonists interpersonal conflicts... read