The beach.
This is my first short film review ( I usually hang around screenwriting) and so I’ll do my best given my limited knowledge.
There was a really sweet element to this film which I really liked. And I must admit a real sense of sadness when I watched the last frame, which I don’t think was entirely intentional.
First off I will suggest a closer look at your placement of characters with in the frame. Take for example the opening scene in bed. The top bed head is crooked, and the sides are not exactly equally placed. If you are going for a quirky (State and Main) style then I would suggest paying very close attention to these details. Are you familiar with the “rule of thirds’ grid to help guide you with your arrangements? Perhaps researching this will help you. Google Rule of thirds, there is heaps of information. Again outside the garage, you’re not square centre, or enough to the side as to look comfortable – as explained in the “rule of thirds”.
Another section I will point out is the scene with the ‘son’. The lighting behind is stronger, and I like the way you have used the corridor (this technique is very effective when used well). I only suggest perhaps getting your actor to face forward. Though cute, we see a lot of his backside! Move the camera inside, even rig up a steady cam (inexpensive how to make your own steady cams are dotted over the web) to add more interest and dimension. Perhaps the camera could follow your “father” around the house very low. We see his feet moving around...
I’m not so keen on the fish eye lense here, but this youtube vision around the house is very dynamic. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sz-0VaDX7zo .
I guess I have one last comment and that has to do with your lighting. I’ve been reading up and researching on cinematography. It is so important to the quality of the film. They describe it as painting in light. Think about how the light works in a room, on a texture and how it enhances the mood. In your scene with the ‘daughter’, we can see the background shadow of the characters which also makes the scene look more menacing then perhaps intended.
I hope these comments help. I think it looks like you had a lot of fun making this, and I hope you keep learning and making films.
Jackie
Other Reviews by Jackie Case
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Hi Tony,
Something peeked my interest and I started reading a few lines, and before I knew it I had read the whole thing. I think your screenplay is the easiest read I have ever had on Triggerstreet. It’s just so clean, it’s almost like the non word screenplay. It packs a lot of punch for so little. Great work!
You write about the mateship and friendship between Liam and...
Hi Tony,
Something peeked my interest and I started reading a few lines, and before I knew it I had read the whole thing. I think your screenplay is the easiest read I have ever had on Triggerstreet. It’s just so clean, it’s almost like the non word screenplay. It packs a lot of punch for so little. Great work!
You write about the mateship and friendship between Liam and Theo in its purest and simplest fashion, but I would perhaps suggest that just like the war itself; which is complicated and complex, I’d try making their relationship more complex or at least the relationships around them more so. For example, Emma, she dislikes the dog because he is taking time away from Liam. Yes, maybe at first, but what if she likes the dog? Theo does something that wins her over. She’s clucky and wants children, so she forms a maternal relationship with Theo, but it’s distracting. She is over feeding him, or undermining the training. I don’t know, but make it harder for them both. The dog's confused, we are all confused, the war is confusing. They can still fight, but what if it’s about something less clichéd then the ‘spending too much time together.’ Just a thought.
I will also ask you this, how do you feel about this war? Because this is the one thing I think is missing here in this screenplay. I believe there are over 390 British soldiers killed to date, but what is your ‘voice’? I’ve read this, and I have no idea how you feel about it. The hurt locker was so powerful because we got to see the addictive nature of being a soldier. "The rush of battle is a potent and often lethal addiction, for war is a drug." This was the unique angle that Mark Boal wrote into his work. We saw how this was reflected in every scene of the film, until William James couldn’t even be with this own family and more horrifically, his own children! I mean how insane is that! Thought provoking and powerful. I know my thoughts on this war, but what are yours?
In Liam and Theo, we see how strong their bond was, but what do we really learn? Was it a waste? Was it a grand adventure (like world war I), was it revenge, proof of courage, what do you think? Once you have figured this out pepper your screenplay with these thoughts and you will have a truly amazing piece of writing.
Also, have you seen Armadillo? This is also a very powerful documentary I would also recommend.
You have a really solid screenplay here, and best of luck with it. Well done!
(My only other very small cristism, and maybe it’s different in the U.K but the bodies are returned home in Hercules, not Chinooks.)
Jackie
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I really enjoyed reading your screenplay. It was an easy, entertaining and simply a joy to read. You have a concise and efficient writing style which is a credit to your writing craft and I commend you. Well done!
Each character has their own voice and each was distinct and memorable, which is a huge feat. Your story was both entertaining, and more importantly (and some times...
I really enjoyed reading your screenplay. It was an easy, entertaining and simply a joy to read. You have a concise and efficient writing style which is a credit to your writing craft and I commend you. Well done!
Each character has their own voice and each was distinct and memorable, which is a huge feat. Your story was both entertaining, and more importantly (and some times lacking in lesser screenplay) a wonderful moral question pertaining to one’s choice of fate.
I only have one problem with what you have written, and perhaps fixing this, you will have a truly great screenplay. Even though it’s a small point, it really hit your story hard.
I was reading in great anticipation as Oscar and Cecil were desperately climbing back to earth from high in the bean stalk. All hope appeared to be lost when…a cloud giant just happened to be there and rescued them… hmmm. This to me was a ‘Deus ex machina’ moment and really put a mark across your amazing work to date. If the cloud giant was mentioned before, I missed it. I didn’t see any build up to him, and didn’t know he was even a character. This could be my misinterpretation, but that’s how I read it.
So how do I suggest you fix this? I’d start by looking at possible ways Oscar and Cecil could be saved: parachutes, aircraft, flying witches… and plant a seed along the way. A great example of this is the goat in Hoodwinked – one of my favorite kid’s movies. He sings a song about ‘being prepared’, it really has no relevance (or so we think) until he’s catapulted of a mountain top and low and behold he has a hat with propellers. It works!
I think you need to look at this, and develop a more accountable rescue to Oscar and Cecil. I read some where that Michael Arndt (writer of Little Miss Sunshine) says the answer is already in the script. I think this applies here. Perhaps have a look at the golden goose – she can fly. The strands of hair from Rapunzel, as some kind of pully. Look at the spongy nature of the shortbread, perhaps this could break their fall. I once read how in the 70’s a young German girl survived a plane crash in Peru strapped to her chair because it spun – like a seed in a circular motion. Even the leaves of the plant… I don’t know. But I think this needs to be addressed. Do this, and it’s a winner.
I didn’t take many notes (I didn’t need too) but here are just a couple. See below.
Page 14
you are repeating yourself a little with the three witches. Oscar says …
who “Know All” and “See All”.
With the narrator Though they were blind - they could see
many things that you and I cannot - they
could see the past
And it’s a little too easy to get to the witches… make it harder.
Overall a wonderful read. I hope you are shopping this around. Try and get an interested female lead who would love to be Tru.
Cheers and good luck!
Jackie
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Mark of the Veil
I’ve been reading your thread about how worried you are having put up a screenplay. I perfectly understand. Look, you clicked refresh and here is another review…
Now this can be hard to review for a ‘film maker’ rather then ‘screenwriter’. Please allow me to clarify. I assume you are more interested in ‘story’ rather then ‘screenwriting technique’, even though...
Mark of the Veil
I’ve been reading your thread about how worried you are having put up a screenplay. I perfectly understand. Look, you clicked refresh and here is another review…
Now this can be hard to review for a ‘film maker’ rather then ‘screenwriter’. Please allow me to clarify. I assume you are more interested in ‘story’ rather then ‘screenwriting technique’, even though I’ll end up mentioning both.
To start with, I really enjoyed your ending. I think it lifted this up a couple of notches. I enjoyed the subterfuge of James tricking Webb. This is great, and leads the reader to want to continue with the rest of the series. So well done on that front.
I guess though, getting to the end was harder then I had hoped. I think you have this story all in your mind's eye – your story, your direction, your characters, it’s perhaps just not quite clear for us as the reader to see all this yet. I write and re-write the same story, and even though the essence of the story is the same, hopefully I’m slowly getting better at telling it, and thus finding the parts that need to be changed accordingly. I think this is the case here, and thus as I mentioned above, is it really necessary to pick apart the wording of the screenplay, when, as I assume you, the director/writer/producer have it all in your head…?
I guess I have a couple of points I want to stress when I read this. It does start off a little slow, but because the ending is so strong does this really matter? A good ending will lift and create a ‘blockbuster’ but a bad ending will kill a film faster then internet reviews. Have a look to see if you can spice up the start more. My initial guess, which I wrote on my notes came by page 8, and even though it’s not clear what James really is, I kind of feel like I guessed too soon, and the rest of the screenplay confirmed this. No surprises. Try and hide this a little more to keep the intrigue up.
I’d also look into your characters more. I hate to be harsh, but I did find them a little flat. You really need to make them leap out of the page. If, James as a ‘child’ was so argumentative, let’s see this from the get go. He’s a fascinating concept and try and bring him to life more. Perhaps a cross between Sheldon from Big Bang theory, so smart, but not street wise, and Bruce Willis, all gut and instinct, but immature, now there is a complex character mesh.
Also, one last thing I want to mention. I don’t know what draft this is, but you have a lot of clichés in there. AS writers, we all start with clichés, and slowly rid ourselves of them until there are none left. I wanted to point them out, not to sound cruel, but to challenge you to write something better. These are the lines, situations as a film goer would sit in the theatre and roll your eyes (another cliche). There are unavoidable at first, but I think you are a good enough writer to change them and elevate this work.
Below are my notes as I read along. This is just my uneducated opinion, and a gut instinct. My qualifications are purely a love of film and an obsessive compulsive need to read and re-read McKee’s ‘Story’…
Must admit I don’t know what a Nova type of program is?
Page 3 What’s up, cuz?
Do you call your cousin cuz? Personally I call them by their names or their nicknames. You mention later he is his cousin so scrape that, we’ll figure it out soon enough.
Page 6 He watches his mother, and she feels it.
This is an unfilmable, but I can kind of see what you’re trying to do. As a director you can tell your actors this, but as a screenplay, it’s frowned upon.
Page8. So my guess is he is a clone… Am I right?
Page 16 HARPER
What’ve you’ve got on ’The Veil’?
What’ve you got on ‘The Veil’.
Page 23 Why is he having visions now?? How do we know it’s a vision and not a flash back…
Page 26-27-28
As this is a film you are hoping to make these are important, but in terms of scriptwriting they are too precise and a general description ending where you want it to is sufficient. There are cash writers who specialize in car scenes and would amend the cash sequence. The important thing is to just create the urgency or the vibe of the scene.
Page 41.
WEBB
...who is in heaven. Needs a question mark.
Must admit it all seems a little too easy with Bree. There is a lot of co-incidences around her. Your characters need to work harder to achieve their goals.
Found myself drifting off for a bit…
Maybe some description for Anderson’s house – what can we learn about her?
Page 66 JAMES
I don’t know. But I’m done playing his games… A little clichéd, you can write better then this.
Page 68 Two black SUVs pull up and idle… again a little clichéd.
You use a lot of moonlight beams, and light references – clichéd.
Page 71
His face stretches painfully, grows horrifyingly fast.
Typo, plus this is an important piece of information and it’s almost lost here.
I’m finding this very confusing. Some one is shooting them, then James is dead, no, no he’s not. He’s having more visions. How do we know the difference between a vision and a flashback?
Page 79 Just a
JAMES
Okay.
After learning all this! Shouldn’t he show a little more emotion? Even if he was genetically made up. Or just delete the okay, at the end works better.
Page 82
INTEL GIRL
Webb sent us a video as we fled.
Now this really confuses me. Webb just stands there and uploads a video, or Intel girl whilst being pursued, stops to check if she has any recent uploads…?? Hmmm
Page 83 charis should be chairs.
Ezra and Bree will be with us.
What does that mean? Are they burning them down too?
Page 85 I like how James turns it all around by pointing the gun at Kylie, and then turning it back on himself. Well done.
Page 86 HARPER
When this is over, you’re coming home.
Why would he say that? Webb/the veil knows where his home is?
Page 89 the tracer, seems out of the blue. He’s so mistrusting of pills at the start, but then he gladly munches on that one.
Page 92 Fine,
fine, you win! Again a little clichéd.
BIG GUY
You think they’re actually gonna release them?
I’m with you Big Guy. They should have at least met at a neutral rendezvous, it’s just stupid to go to the compound.
Page 98 The battle rages. Big Guy falls. Intel Girl wounded, Techie killed.
After all this, you kill half of them off in a line.
Page 99 EZRA
Go on without me. Tell Bree-- another cliché.
JAMES
You can tell her yourself. A double header cliché …
So James just waits while Webb takes a phone call?? Hmmm… and then Webb tells him how to escape?
Do like your ending, however the diary stands out like a saw thumb. Can you incorporate it more seamlessly, so we don’t suspect its importance later on??
Hope this helps. Sorry if I sound harsh.
Jackie
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