Review of: The Big Payback 

reviewed by Gammon on 08/27/2011
Credited Review
Gammon
The Big Payback Credited Review
I'm still not sure, having finished this script, whether the writer has uploaded something so bad as a joke on reviewers or whether the writer thinks this is a good script. Why do I think this might be a joke on reviewers? Writing like this:
"Mike smiles as he walks through the barb wired fence seconds away from freedom and out of jail clothes..The guard escorts him to the end of the gate and opens it"
or
"Sitting in his luxurious,Carter,who is now more smarter than ever is one of the richest men L.A."
or
"GREG WASHINGTON,34,Carterís apprentice,lackey, walks in and informs his boss on some information."
or
"Classical music playing.People chattering.Waiters go back and forth severing the guests." I'm a great fan of "severing the guests."

The script is chock-a-block with missing words, missing spaces after punctuation, bad grammar, and some of the most cumbersone prose I've read in a while.

Forget unfilmables. Let's talk about unbelievables: 1. A blind woman who drives a car and a boyfriend who lets her because the blind woman wants to be independent and doesn't blink when she runs over someone and kills them. 2. A bank robber who has forgotten he robbed a bank only 5 years ago. 3. A bank robber who has parleyed his share of the loot into owning a dozen casinos and over 50 night clubs--in only 5 years? 4. In a home office with the light on Mike is too far away for Tiffany to recognize him and then 6. Tiffany doesn't remember Mike.

The dialog is unbelievable. It's cumbesome and over-written. On the nose. It's a hot mess.

The characters don't behave as an outgrowth of a situation. They behave the way the writer needs them to behave in a given situation. And the situations are beyond believable. I note that the genre is comedy/crime. The comedy is so low brow and schticky that what could be funny just seems labored. And the crime -- it happens easily. The Russians are involved. A gazillion L.A. policemen are dirty cops on Carter's payroll. There's not enough willing suspension of disbelief in the world.

If this script isn't a joke on reviewers, I will say that you've got the imagination. You're loaded with imagination. And you've got the drive to write I think. Read other scripts like crazy and take pointers for them. Learn to spell or at least use a spell checker. And just keep writing. You don't want to do anything that can give readers a reason to dismiss your writing.

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