Other Reviews by CJ Knight 201

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  Review of IRON MAIDENS
  A review of IRON MAIDENS
  by CJ Knight on 04/04/2010
  Great title! The first thing you notice is the lack of white space. This is an immediate flag of an amateur writer. Screenplays are not novels. They are meant to have short, punchy sentences that describe the characters/action with minimum effort. Just show us what we can see on the screen. Do not go into long descriptions or write your comments or anything that is an opinion,... Great title!
  
  The first thing you notice is the lack of white space. This is an immediate flag of an amateur writer. Screenplays are not novels. They are meant to have short, punchy sentences that describe the characters/action with minimum effort. Just show us what we can see on the screen. Do not go into long descriptions or write your comments or anything that is an opinion, etc.
  
  Watch for spelling mistakes, avoid CAPS in the dialogue and keep underlining to a minimum.
  
  Would communist Russians play reels of “THE THREE STOOGES”... or appear on LIFE magazine?
  
  Now to the story… a nice opening sequence leads us back into the Second World War… and then I’m hooked. This is like reading ENEMY AT THE GATES meets DEFIANCE with women and a tank.
  
  Rare is it to come across such a gem on TS. Not only does this deserve to be a SOM, it could easily be made into a movie. The action is good, characters are great and the story/setting is superb.
  
  Congratulations!
  
  CJ Knight read
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  Review of ONE NIGHT IN AMSTERDAM
  A review of One Night in Amsterdam
  by CJ Knight on 04/03/2010
  The premise reads like LEAVING LAS VEGAS meets THE HANGOVER... and it looks as though we will be watching a man’s deterioration through drink and drugs, etc. However, the script contains little more than an endless batch of scenes that include three men going into bars, getting drunk and trying to get laid. The pattern repeats over and over and is only interrupted by Peter’s... The premise reads like LEAVING LAS VEGAS meets THE HANGOVER... and it looks as though we will be watching a man’s deterioration through drink and drugs, etc.
  
  However, the script contains little more than an endless batch of scenes that include three men going into bars, getting drunk and trying to get laid. The pattern repeats over and over and is only interrupted by Peter’s brief chat with his dad… and the discovery that his girlfriend was cheating on him.
  
  The real story doesn’t begin until P88 (Peter is being set up for murder), but by then I had lost all interest. The fact that Cormac admits, “Maybe I was just bored one day and wanted to see it if was possible to get away with murder.” just goes to show how thin this idea was.
  
  The script really needed a hook or idea to drive the story forward and give it direction.
  I was also not a fan of the narrative style, which I thought was rambling, full of author’s intrusions, unfilmables, and not the short punchy style required for screenwriting.
  
  A few examples:
  • “He instantly approaches”
  • “who exudes authority”
  • “At first glance, Peter’s luck appears to be in”
  • “Peter initiates the conversation”
  • “SUDDENLY”
  • “Peter wears the look of a man who’s suddenly regretting his decision to work tonight”
  • “The famous Amsterdam hash café”
  
  P.S. Cormac speaks on P41, but he is not in the scene?
  
  
  Sorry I have been so harsh. These are just my thoughts.
  
  All the best with the script.
  
  CJ Knight
  
  read
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  Review of SCAB
  A review of Scab
  by CJ Knight on 03/23/2010
  Good to see a script from a fellow Brit on TS. This is a gritty drama based set against the backdrop of the miner’s strike. Perhaps too gritty? It’s so sad that it makes EASTENDERS look like Mary Poppins! There are brief moments of comedy, yet the overall theme and setting is utterly depressing. I think this might be a hard sell. People do not want to go and see films that... Good to see a script from a fellow Brit on TS. This is a gritty drama based set against the backdrop of the miner’s strike. Perhaps too gritty? It’s so sad that it makes EASTENDERS look like Mary Poppins!
  
  There are brief moments of comedy, yet the overall theme and setting is utterly depressing. I think this might be a hard sell. People do not want to go and see films that reinforce their belief that life is shit. Give people a hard time by all means… give them mountains to climb… but don’t take away their hope (and blame God for all their troubles).
  
  What the writer has done here is to make the equivalent of ROCKY, but in this version Rocky loses in the first round, returns to breaking thumbs and ends up committing suicide from a drugs overdose. Doesn’t have the same feel-good factor does it?
  
  This story reminds me of BILLY ELLIOT and THE FULL MONTY, although in these stories there is a more satisfying resolution and more of a journey to go on. It is the lack of goal/journey in this story that prevents it from being a successful feature. It perhaps may make a TV drama (and because of this I would re-write it and send it off to the BBC Writer’s Room ASAP).
  
  I liked some of the scenes and the dialogue was realistic. However, I was not a fan of the style or formatting. We are supposed to be in the 1980’s but his is never explained to the reader. We are not even told what county we are in, because we start with EXT. STREET – NIGHT. The remaining scene headings are equally inaccurate and there is a tendency to write a scene heading and then stick a sub heading immediately underneath (!?) I would also remove all the CUT TOs and extra spaces used.
  
  The style is more akin to a novel. It is over-written and is too descriptive (e.g. Sarah begins to cry with anger and anguish). There are also frequent and unnecessary adverbs, parentheticals and author’s intrusions. Remember, the words on the page should only reflect what we see on screen. Everything else is irrelevant.
  
  Any dialogue should be set in the dialogue and not in the action lines. I would also get people talking much quicker. It is 5 pages before any real dialogue… much too long!
  
  That’s my penny’s worth. Best of luck.
  
  CJ Knight read