Your action scenes/descriptions are the strongest part of the script: They flow well and are very vivid.
Page 1: ESTABLISH - COFFEE SHOP – This is redundant, as we can tell from the scene heading we are in a coffee shop. ESTABLISHING is used in the scene heading itself but is quickly falling out of fashion in screenwriting. You can drop the line “Neither has any interest in the other at the moment” – It’s an awkward sentence and doesn’t convey any real information. “On the right side is MR. KARAMBIT...” – This should be ‘across from him sits Mr. Karambit’; the way it is written now I picture them sitting side by side in the booth. It is important to grab people with a tightly written opening scene; when you shop this around a reader will see these red flags and may pass on the SP without reading any further.
Page 2: MUZAFER: “ No one has ever asked me why before...” – All of Muzafer’s dialogue in this scene needs to be labeled as V.O. since he is speaking to Karambit on the phone.
Page 7: JOE: “Hey Mike. What’s up?” KARAMBIT: “Nothing much. You?” JOE: “Nothing really.” – Conversations like this need to be tightened up; simply drop the real life pleasantries and start the exchange with Karambit saying “Seamus around?”
Page 12: This montage of Karambit training in the dojo is not needed and should be dropped: His character has been established through the previous killing of Besnik. At this point the SP needs an inciting incident, something that ties into the assignment Muzafer has given him.
Page 15: TAWNY: “Sure. I can do that. My rate is 2,000 an hour. Is that okay?” – Tawny’s rate makes her the highest priced call girl on the planet. She better be good…
Page 14-21: Tawny and Karambit’s conversation: The dialogue here is all chitchat and does not push the story forward. Write only dialogue pertinent to the story. It is best to keep your scenes at three pages or less, especially when they involve two people talking.
Page 26: MUZAFER: “Find out where it is and destroy it.” – The story is back on track here when Karambit receives his instructions and must proceed with his goal of obtaining the photos. This needs to come earlier in the SP.
Page 27: MUZAFER: “I am going now, my friend...” – Karambit ended the phone call on page twenty-six and Muzafer is still talking.
Page 27: No need to list every single item Bupha has placed in her shopping cart.
Page 28-31: This training sequence in the woods is not needed: It has already been established Karambit is handy with a gun.
Page 32: Karambit’s dream does not add to the story and should be dropped. Focus each scene of your script on telling the story.
Page 41: Karambit looks into the briefcase: “All those greenbacks stare at him.” – Ten million dollars in $100 bills would weigh two hundred and twenty pounds: This would never fit in one briefcase.
Page 48: “The BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! is much closer now, drowned out by their conversation.” – Karambit would not use a tracking device that gave off an audible beeping sound as this would immediately alert the briefcase bearer that something is up.
This would be a much stronger screenplay if you dropped any scenes that do not advance the story and focus on Karambit’s goal: Killing Muzafer, walking away with the money and starting fresh.
Review of: Mr. Karambit
reviewed by RJWIII on 01/13/2010
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