Thank you for the opportunity to read this short story. Unfortunately, numerous punctuation and grammatical errors made it a very difficult read. Proof-reading is essential if you want to correct errors such as these. While this is an interesting re-telling of the Garden of Eden story, this reader was, frankly, puzzled by the intent behind your story.
Best of luck!
TYPOS - WORD CHOICE - GRAMMAR - [suggestions]
[page numbers would be nice]
The moment Lucifer touched the tree; he thought he could be as powerful - The moment Lucifer touched the tree, he thought he could be as powerful
He touch the tree of knowledge and knowledge. - He touch the tree of knowledge. [getting a bit repetitive with this "tree" line]
Lucifer needed demons. - [new paragraph]
But God stop them before they could reach Heaven - But God stopped them before they could reach Heaven
God cried and it rain for the first time. - God cried and it rained for the first time.
Since He is fair and just he allowed each angel - Since He is fair and just He allowed each angel
One angel asked, God why don’t the human show all their emotions. -One angel asked, "God why don’t the humans show all their emotions?"
God response was they cannot show - God's response was they cannot show
No man or animal venture to that area. -No man or animal ventured to that area.
Lucifer did not have the strength to destroy the angles - Lucifer did not have the strength to destroy the angels
Since he hated God so much, he believed if man perished. God would -Since he hated God so much, he believed if man perished, God would
The lonely man ate the front - The lonely man ate the fruit
and his followers never seen anyone yawned before - and his followers had never seen anyone yawned before [you have numerous instances of errors like this but I will cease noting them]
A feeling her never had before - [??]
Review of: Lucifer's First Plan
reviewed by bigheadx on 06/20/2011
Other Reviews by bigheadx 256
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