The Passage Review
STORY: Was hooked into the story right away. As a Sci-Fi fan, I like the mystery you set up right out of the gate.
CONCEPT: As stated, I’m a Sci-Fi fan so the concept was a great match to my taste. Space mysteries are always fun when executed right.
CHARACTER: John was a clear lead protagonist. I feel the story jumped too quickly into the past before you could develop Boyd and Hill. All I really remember from them is them both fighting to keep John from running off. They didn’t add anything of substance otherwise.
STRUCTURE:
Act I: Really good opening. Has one of those classic sci-fi openings where weird things have happened or are happening in space and leave a lot of open questions. Nice small family drama for awhile, then the big loss of Alyssa was a surprise (been awhile since I read your synopsis so I was going in blind). Looking forward to seeing how this move plays into the rest of the story. I felt the stuff with Grandpa really slowed the pace down. I don’t know if that was the intention. Felt like you spent too much time on drama and I’m ready to get back into space. I feel the scene was meant for Grandpa to give his words of wisdom, but it ran on a little long in my opinion.
Act II: As expected, we see Alyssa on this distant planet. My concern is that she’s appeared so many times in such a short period that they’ve been there that she’s starting to lose impact. John’s seeing her in dreams and out on this planet a couple times and they haven’t even really begun to explore the place yet (at least not on screen, even though John says they’ve spent days doing it when he’s talking to his Grandpa). I would also say this is similar to the sci-fi movie Sphere where it manifests whatever your fears or flaws are. That’s the impression I get through the dialogue anyways, so far. Also, it would be nice if after they traveled through that awesome wormhole you set up that it doesn’t have such resemblance to Earth. That’s kind of what the movie Contact did at the end. But, I know you have the sky shifting colors and it’s also suppose to have a familiarity to it.
Not particularly keen on spending a good portion of this act in a flashback. Not because it’s a flashback, but this is where I’d expect all the action and mystery to unfold. But I’m reading about John’s past and how he became to be the man he is. So it’s actually going slower than I’d want it to be.
Act III: This act is flooded with flashbacks, though John may be watching them in the present. Just seems like the only way you’re able to move this story forward is by going back in time and having your characters relive their past. I don’t hate flashbacks. I think they are best used when you want to show something again that we’ve already seen that was important, or show something that we’ve already seen but might have missed the first time around. Not really a fan of major plot points being in the past, though, such as when characters were younger. I kind of felt that John would wake up in the hospital following the car accident since this story was like a version of A Christmas Carol, like the ghost of Christmas past with all the flashbacks. But, that he actually passed away in the end added value to the story. I like the twist of adding the book that he was writing and the characters involved.
OTHER: I really enjoyed your short and clean action lines. Helped keep me flipping the pages.
Other Reviews by seniormike
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STORY: Flowed smoothly, was able to envision the characters growing over the course of the acts. I liked how Brooks’s goals changed with the circumstances she was dealt…how it was no longer about beating Amy but just riding again and how it would take more than just over coming her blindness to do so.
CONCEPT: A nice fresh take on an overcoming the odds story.
CHARACTER:...
STORY: Flowed smoothly, was able to envision the characters growing over the course of the acts. I liked how Brooks’s goals changed with the circumstances she was dealt…how it was no longer about beating Amy but just riding again and how it would take more than just over coming her blindness to do so.
CONCEPT: A nice fresh take on an overcoming the odds story.
CHARACTER: I like how you set up Amy and her mother so that even though Amy’s the bully, I kind of feel sorry for her because I see how she’s been influenced. So she was the first character I really felt for. Brooks was good but she started off strong-spirited, like she knew how to take care of herself and didn’t need to have her mom nagging her...so, normal teenager behavior. I would suggest giving her another reason to want to win besides one-upping Amy, more of a personal goal that Amy just happens to also be getting in the way of. But then again, the way you have it shows the terrible outcome of a little grudge if you let it eat at you.
STRUCTURE:
Act I: This was a good act setting up the characters, drama, mood, tone, and settings. I believe in your notes you say that you added more antagonist parts. If this is Amy, then my opinion is that we could use a little…just a little, less of her in this act. She seemed to pop up where ever Brooks happened to be. I don’t think she’s needed so much since you’ve already established that they have a rivalry/history. I would also move the part where Lacey warns Brooks to wear a helmet to the opening sequence or some dialogue earlier in the act. It’s too obvious what was going to happen by having Lacey warn her right before the final race. I think by showing earlier if she’s not wearing a helmet and ends up just fine, that might make this is more of a freak accident rather than just a plot point in the storyline. I tend not to look at loglines again after initially deciding to read a script because it helps me see if the story is coming across clearly and effectively. So I can’t remember if the logline said that an accident was going to happen. But, just to further my note on that turning point, if I knew it was coming but didn’t know when [since she would have been without a helmet previously and turned out fine], it makes the story that much better. Pg 20 - name mix up on letter I
Act II: Nice act on how we see Brooks and her family cope with the tragedy. I like the scene when Brooks and Bingo reunite, but I’m wondering if she would have asked about Bingo sooner…like when she was settled on the couch for the longest time, thinking about life and seemed to be coming to terms with her disability. I really breezed through this act with not much critique or criticism, which is really good for being the 2nd act. I enjoy how Brooks, Lacey grew. Pg 79 – name mix up in JoJo’s dialogue.
Act III: I see this act starting with Brooks hiring the lawyer. Therefore, this was a pretty quick act as it should be to close up the story. Nice surprise of Amy handing the reins over to JoJo. I’m glad you kept the courtroom scenes short and sweet so it didn’t slow down the pace. Overall, towards the end it had more of the children’s tone to it with the way Mandy was acting and the Judge going to cheer on Brooks. I think that’s what you were shooting for. I’m also glad you didn’t spend a lot of time with Brooks dreading over her blindness. It made the story more inspirational and less bogged down with me feeling sorry for her. Congrats on the blue star, well done!
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STORY:
The story was pretty good with lots of action. My type of movie. It started off with a bang. There were a lot of characters at first so it was hard to keep track of them all and their importance to the story, but this would probably come across easier as a visual on screen. I liked Richter’s background. Keller’s, on the other hand, didn’t quite know what his motivation...
STORY:
The story was pretty good with lots of action. My type of movie. It started off with a bang. There were a lot of characters at first so it was hard to keep track of them all and their importance to the story, but this would probably come across easier as a visual on screen. I liked Richter’s background. Keller’s, on the other hand, didn’t quite know what his motivation was or why he was imitating a police officer or how that even came about. I’d work on him more since he’s in a majority of the second and third acts.
CONCEPT:
Good concept. I think I’ve seen or read something similar where someone cures a disease and the big corporations will do anything to stop it from going public so that they can continue to profit. Good news is that I can’t think of any titles off the top of my head.
CHARACTER:
This is probably no big deal but there are some similarities in characters I’ve seen in TV and movies in the past. For example, on the TV show Prison Break, a woman was the vice president (your Callini is a CEO, she’s a shot caller like a VP) and also had goons with the names Kellerman and Quinn, similar to your Keller and Quinn. Even more, on the show Kellerman is a Secret Service agent. In your script, Keller is a cop (or pretends to be one). And of course, in both, the goons are trying to track down people by any means necessary. Riley is similar to a character with the same name in the National Treasure movies. The comedic tech guy that feels under-appreciated.
STRUCTURE:
Act I: Good pacing, lots of mystery and build up. But at this point I want to know why these guys are trying to track down Brennen and taking out everyone involved in whatever is going on. What is he in possession of? Maybe it works for some people if that stays a secret. But, obviously it’s important so I’d like to know why it’s so important. What happens if these guys don’t track down Brennen? What are the stakes? Every conversation feels secretive, like no one wants to talk openly even around their peers or bosses, so it’s kind of hard to get a grasp of what is really going on. It feels like I might find out soon now that Richter is getting involved.
Act II: Lots of action here which is good for this type of script. However, it somewhat loses its serious tone from the beginning. Act I we saw person after person get killed straight up cold blood. This act is a little lighter on the tone as Riley, Richter, Taker, and Keller all crack jokes. Especially Riley, which is weird since he’s on the villain side so I don’t think I should be laughing or liking him.
Act III: More action. A lot of guys finally meet up and most end up dead. I’m not really sure who I was supposed to be rooting for in that situation…the shootout at the mansion. Was hard to determine Keller’s motives and Cushing’s motives since Richter seemed just as afraid of them as Taker and Heinz. I’m also not so sure on ending this act with two characters who we’ve barely seen throughout the movie, Dent and the female technician. Since we didn’t really get to know these characters, the twist doesn’t have as much of an impact. But still, it’s good that you added the many twists in here. I liked how you setup Taker’s phone delay. It had a good payoff.
Overall: Pretty creative and enjoyable story
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This was a pretty fast read and a nice little good-guy prevails script. Below are notes I took as I read. My only major concern is that Norm doesn’t have a clear goal that he wants to accomplish by the end of the movie. Was it to get tenure? Was it to decide whether or not to sell the necklace? Was it to gain the respect of his class? The script is mainly a series of...
This was a pretty fast read and a nice little good-guy prevails script. Below are notes I took as I read. My only major concern is that Norm doesn’t have a clear goal that he wants to accomplish by the end of the movie. Was it to get tenure? Was it to decide whether or not to sell the necklace? Was it to gain the respect of his class? The script is mainly a series of events that happen to Norm but I don’t know what he was trying to accomplish…or why.
Norm seemed depressed for most of the script – with some mood swings that came out of no where and weren’t really explained. My favorite character was Shelley. You wrote her well with lots of mystery. Even though Norm may not have seen through her, the audience does right away – don’t know if that’s good or bad. But she worked for me.
1-10: A different kind of first 10 pages. Since you have this listed as a Comedy/Drama, I was expecting at least some comedy in this section. It’s got some layered/inner comedic elements such as his job as a teacher and how he deals with the students. And the situation in the nurses office. But no laugh out loud moments. You’re setting up his lifestyle and surroundings nicely though.
21: Not sure if this is an error or part of the comedy but Mort says that “excited” isn’t the word he would use to describe how he feels about Jenny having a baby. Then he lists off synonyms for being scared. Then at the end of the scene when Norm wants to show him something, Mort says “more exciting than my fucking kid?!” -- So now he is excited about it?
40: I’m not sure what story you are trying to tell here. Norm doesn’t seem to be on a mission or have any goal that he’s trying to accomplish. It’s only at this page am I starting to think that the story is about what he should do with the necklace. But it’s not clear. Congratulations, by the way, for this script ranking in the quarterfinals of a contest. I’m willing to bet though that the reason it didn’t advance is due to a lack of goal by Norm. He needs something that he’s chasing or trying to figure out. A goal. So far, the story has been some people show up when he comes into possession of the necklace. Whatever you choose the main goal for him to be, I would suggest you put it in the first 10-12 pages. In most films, you know what the movie is going to revolve around [character & story] within the first 10-15 minutes, hence the first 10-12 pages. As it stands now, some might think his goal is to save his job…or reconnect with his class since that’s how your story opens. – And that’s what he’s been making progress with throughout the story so far as he crosses things off his list. Also, you may be overdoing the Vikings stuff. It’s clear that he’s a Vikings fan after the first few times it’s shown/mentioned. Now it feels like every 3rd scene relates to the Vikings.
59: The phone is talking?
60: Okay it seems like his goal is to get tenure. If that’s the main goal, I’d spend more time on that subject rather than the necklace. The necklace makes a good B-story but a lot of act 2 has been about him and Shelly and the necklace. Shelly is a good mysterious character. She obviously wants something and is willing to do anything and everything to get it. Even for me, it’s hard to tell if she really likes him or she’s after the money. Something you might consider is that you show Norm struggling at school but nothing before Shelly shows up suggests that he has problems with women. So even though Norm seems somewhat depressed, he doesn’t seem like a “nerd” that can’t see through Shelly’s act.
63: His students speak very intelligently for being in grade school.
67: Norm gives a “Billy Madison moment” type speech. Also, I don’t get his sudden change in character. What triggered that? Maybe I can understand that he has the gets to talk to his boss again. But I don’t know why he’d demean his students like that since he’s been working toward changing for the better this whole time.
70-71: Scene could be trimmed. The importance of the scene is to convey that Mort wants Norm to be at the hospital and Shelly doesn’t want to be left alone. I know you’re going for comedy but (in my preference) watching Shelly and Mort call each other names back and forth doesn’t really have anything to do with the scene.
72: You’ve used the word “preoccupied” five times on this page. Not that it’s bad, it just sticks out.
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