The Yacht
This story was very well written. I was caught up in the story right from the first sentence. The emotional seperation was portrayed in a very realistic way. I especially liked the paragraph about how they would eat to avoid spending time together.
The British couple are too one dimensional. It would be nice if you could flesh them out a little more - they have an open marriage, but what is going on beneath that? What are their goals?
I also feel that the story ended too abruptly. I like the fact that the wife went through with it and the husband didn't, but would like to see what sort of conclusion this brings them to. It would certainly make him feel insecure and would widen the emotional separation. This should force them to work things out or split up or maybe even decide to have an open marriage. Instead they are in the exact same position they were at the start of the story - denial.
Great story!
Other Reviews by CarlaC
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I really liked this screenplay. It was an easy read, flowed well and I was so into the story, I couldn't beleive it when I got to the last page. I loved Hopper's Character.
Suggestions:
Pg. 22 you have put Radio for all of these in the slug line then you put (on phone) by roses dialogue, I think you meant to put radio here as well.
Pg. 63 Sonny talks about Willie as the...
I really liked this screenplay. It was an easy read, flowed well and I was so into the story, I couldn't beleive it when I got to the last page. I loved Hopper's Character.
Suggestions:
Pg. 22 you have put Radio for all of these in the slug line then you put (on phone) by roses dialogue, I think you meant to put radio here as well.
Pg. 63 Sonny talks about Willie as the 'greatest trucker that ever lived, god bless his soul.'
My first reaction when I read that was how would Sonny know Willie was dead? Of course in the end when we find out he's actually been dead since 2003 it makes sense but I think that Owen would wonder about it. He is pretty inquisitive, always wondering what is in the truck so you would think he would wonder about that statement as well.
Pg. 43, Laurie looses all that money and doesn't really react. I realize she is the type that belives in signs so obviously doesn't think it was meant to be, but you'd think she would have some sort of reaction.
I would like to have seen Rose get what's coming to her. She sort of did when he mentioned Jason on their phone conversation but it would be nice to have a scene later on where he actually breaks it off with her and we see a wounded Jason show up at her doorstep without his precious ferrari.
These are only suggestions. Best of luck!
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Overall- I liked the story. It was funny at parts especially the scenes that took place at the Beyond The Third meetings. Some of the characters there were a hoot.
Suggestions:
First scenes in the hospital I feel are too long and full of redundancy, .ie. Ellie wanting Dorothy to stay and saying she doesn't have much time while Dorothy argues with her. I think the dialouge...
Overall- I liked the story. It was funny at parts especially the scenes that took place at the Beyond The Third meetings. Some of the characters there were a hoot.
Suggestions:
First scenes in the hospital I feel are too long and full of redundancy, .ie. Ellie wanting Dorothy to stay and saying she doesn't have much time while Dorothy argues with her. I think the dialouge here should be shortened. Same thing with the dialogue between Charlie and Dorothy on pg 16-17, she asks him to make the phone call three times. There are other ways to show his resistance to the idea.
Write leaner action. Example, pg 3 'Around her eyes a darkness sinks deep while within them they shine brightly blue.' I don't find that description is very clear. Keep it simple and lean.
Also, some of the dialgue could be leaner, example the phone conversation on page 56-57 is way too long and I found I got lost.
You often put a name as a slug line, I assume to foucs the camera on that character. Ex.
SUZY
tries to turn herself but winces.
Would be better to just write as description, this will draw the camera to that character. Ex.
Suzy tries to turn herself but winces.
There were a number of spelling/grammar errors. You often use the word 'your' when you mean to use 'you're'
I am not sure that Suzy giving Dorothy her bank card is realistic. Usually you need to give someone power of attorney before they can access your accounts. Later, Oliver gives it to her but again, he works for a funeral parlor and there is no mention of it being in the Will, so I am not sure it is legal for him to do so.
I am a bit confused about the flask. Where were her sisters ashes? Did they take the wrong one or was the heroin stored with her sisters ashes?
I would have liked to see a little more back story on Charlie. I know that he has his fear of heights which he overcame but would like to know a little more about him in the story.He just seems a little to perfect and willing to go along with things.
MU eludes to the fact that Dorothy knew about the heroin. Is this true?
It was an enjoyable read. These were only suggestions as to ways I think the story could be improved. Good luck with it!
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