I have to begin by saying this is not my favorite genre of film, so I don't know how helpful my comments might be. Please feel free to ignore anything I say. Also, since I am not incredibly organized, my comments may be a little too random to follow, but I hope you find some of them helpful. Let me start with my overall impressions. At more than one point I was confused about the action. The number of characters made it hard for me to keep up with everything. I think if I could actually see a film version of the story, that would not be a problem. I didn't particulary care for the people in the screenplay. Even Fiver didn't have many redeeming characteristics. I think if you did a little bit more with his relationship with Jennifer and Margaret, it might soften the ragged edges of his character. The way the screenplay is written, the scenes with these two almost seem as if they were thrust in strictly for the reason of making him appear softer than what he was. The only characters I liked were Gunner and the three Egyptians. Other than these comments, I mostly had trouble with some specific scenes. The first Scene with Rutledge rang false with me. Plus, he is supposed to have this reputation as a badass but he is more of a wimp to me. When he gets into the sword fight scene at the end, it didn't seem logical -- well, really for both of them to have those kinds of skills. The scene early with Tony and Fiver doesn't work very well with me. Would Appollo be careless enough to let his brother find out all about his activities? In fact, I have a lot of trouble with the whole character of Tony. I can't quite figure out his reasons for being involved in the story -- except perhaps as a character who gives exposition. I guess my final comment would be about the way you have labeled your story. I honestly believe you should concentrate on focusing your story's genre. Instead of writing a comedy/drama, make your story one or the other. This story with all of its violence seems too harsh to be comedic. Now, having said all of that in a way that I hope makes sense. let me move on. Mostly, I liked the story quite a bit. It was fast reading with a lot of action (Maybe too much action and not enough character development). It got my attention immediately and had a good plot for the most part. The story was interesting, and as I said, I don't generally like this kind of story.
I think the concept needed to be tighter. There was so much going on, I would think it would be very difficult to write one logline to give a good overview of the whole story. I've already mentioned that I don't particularly care for most of the characters. I didn't have any problems with the dialogue except for a few places where it seemed overwritten. I'm thinking specifically about Rutledge, when he first sees the three Egyptions and Gunner when he gives the history of the swords. I liked the story, but thought it could be tightened just a bit. You seemed to have the three-part structure down pretty well. I guess my final thought would be to not go off in so many directions. If you want to do an adventure do an adventure. If you want to make it a comedy, do more comedy in it. If you want the story to be about relationships, then make it about relationships. To me the screenplay tries to do too much at once.
Review of: Thieves And Liars
reviewed by scross on 02/20/2006
Other Reviews by scross 79
A review of INHERIT THE EARTHby scross on 04/19/2008Coming from an area once noted for mining, I could appreciate this story. Our area had its own riot but nothing as horrible as in this story. First, let me talk about some things that might be improved. At times your dialogue sounded forced, stilted even. When Chase comes upon the death of Belcher and says, "Who did this outrageous thing?" is one example. There are some... read
A review of Checking Out Nanaby scross on 06/24/2007I am so glad that I got the chance to read this screenplay. I loved it. Sat down and read it straight through and didn't get bored once. I'm sorry, but this is going to be a short review because I really don't have much bad to say. Let me dispense with just a couple areas of some concern. I have a little problem with Critter -- he seems like more a caricature than a real... read
A review of Gold of the Sun Kingby scross on 06/22/2007Please feel free to ignore any of the comments I am about to make. First, let me say that this kind of screenplay is difficult for me to judge. I like to watch adventure films and not being able to actually watch "Gold of the Sun King" makes it harder to judge. I'll try to give you a few broad comments and then go into specifics. First, the concept. It's all right but nothing... read