Technical: In scene two, it would help to place Professor Oval in a specific spot in the University Building as he leaves the hearing room EX: INT. A UNIVERSITY BUILDING/CORRIDOR - DAY. Capitalize FACULTY MEMBERS (scene three).
The opening would be stronger if you developed it a bit more. From the visuals, I gather Oval has just finished a presentation to the Faculty Members - tighten it up so we get a bit more info.
Page 1 and 2 opening dialogue: Oval's opening statements are very on the nose. Make it more intriguing so we don't know exactly what is up.
Page 5: ZEKE: "He’s tranquilized, not parapalyzed, you fuck-ups." You start warming up to your characters here - the dialogue reflects this. I would go back and tighten it up the previous boys' dialogue. Drop the discourse
about whether it is a dog or wolf - the boys are stupid, not ignorant.
Page 6: "...revealing a steaming,indistinguishable mass of humanimal curled up on the ground." - I get what your trying to say here, but be more descriptive of what is happening exactly.
Page 7: "Now the size of a large bear, this beast possesses the head of a wolf, its body something in between many animals." - He is referred to as a humanimal, but the description gives us anything but human characteristics inter-meshed in the final transformation.
Page 9: RACCOON: "Dude, you’re so fucked." - I would leave this out. The SP is over-the-top, but this is cartoonish and changes the tone.
Page 10-14: You introduce Stacie and bring in a few elements (The dream, her unkempt appearance, the relationship between her, Jennifer and Jason) but I never get a true sense of what is happening with her. It would be stronger if you defined her primary conflict so the viewer has something concrete to wrap their hands around.
Page 15: "In the rear-view mirror he looks at Gray at the road’s edge." - You need to stick with one name when referring to a character: Either Gray or Gray Wolf.
Page 17: GRAY WOLF: "The apple pie looks delicious." - Nice, tight scene. Repeating the simple dialogue let's us know right away that Gray Wolf is adapting to his environment.
Page 27: ANNE (RE: Oval): "More like out of his fucking mind." - Moving into Act II, we need to have Oval's motivation for creating the humanimal brought to the forefront. Being out of his mind is not strong enough.
PROM SCENE: When reading this, I thought this was a fantasy/dream-sequence based on the dialogue and the imagery. The dialogue needs to be revised so it is not so on the nose: EX: "You will always be my best friend, forever!"
Page 34: PHILLIP: "...abnormal mutations, unprecendented levels of aggression." - The light should go off in Leslie's head that Phillip has just described the mysterious carnage in the corn field. And yet, she dismisses it and moves straight-away into an S&M game with Phillip.
Page 42: BECKY: "What are you talking about, are you a psychic or not?" - This needs to be revealed early on so the viewer has a firm grasp of Stacie's internal conflict and the alienation she is feeling.
Page 62: ANNE (to Milton): "Is this the reason you wanted to keep all this quiet? Because of him?" - I suggest removing any reference to Anne and Milton's relationship, or making it his motivation for trying (unsuccessfully)to keep the killings quiet. If you feel this relationship is important to the story (B story) I would develop it early on so we understand a bit more about Milton and what makes him tick.
PAge 64: Anne slaps McMurtry. Not sure if all the slapping going on is supposed to be a running gag or not. If it is - it works.
Page 67: MILTON: "It’s what I didn’t do. I made a promise to her. And I couldn’t keep it." - Milton is referring to a promise he made to Stacie to kill the bloodbath killer. You are introducing many elements in the middle of Act II that should either be left out (to streamline your story) or be introduced early on so we have a clear understanding of what motivates all of your characters. Late reveals work and are paramount to a great screenplay, but we need some indicators/foreshadowing in Act I so we are satisfied with what you deliver later on.
Page 91: Milton reaches behind Anne’s ear, pulling out a .357 Magnum bullet. - Nice foreshadowing with the earlier quarter trick.
Page 95: STACIE: "I want to go back. I want you to change me back." - Nice twist.
Review of: HUMANIMAL (2nd rev)
reviewed by RJWIII on 10/02/2011
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