Thrill
The plot revolves around a series of thrill-seeking competitive games for a hundred-million pound prize.
Though the concept is a new one on me, I had serious problems with this script. I should say at the outset that I'm not a fan of action films.
It’s difficult to work out what the story value is. It’s not survival, since the characters willingly place themselves into all sorts of extremely risky situations. It’s not the money, since the money is thrown about like confetti throughout. So, as the title suggests, it’s about the ‘thrill.’ Eventually, some stakes are established when one of the competitors kidnaps the protagonist’s girlfriend. However, since the outcome is absolutely predictable, no tension is achieved. It all seemed pointless to me.
There were no real character arcs, to speak of. Greg survives death in the first few pages. He comes out the other side essentially the same. Cassie is the archetypical ‘good girlfriend.’ The only other female character is a man in all but name. Sheer tokenism making her female, I felt. The rest are characterised by what they wear, drive, or at most country of origin.
The dialogue is basically testosterone charged banter, or testosterone charged urgent cries. Almost all the lines are all on the nose, with no real subtext to speak of, though the Australian character sounded reasonably convincing.
All the action scenes, though they included inventive twists, were ultimately boring for me, since they achieved no dramatic effect. Greg wants thrills and he gets them. I think that’s the heart of the problem here. For all the spectacle and competition, there’s no real conflict at all. Greg gets what he wants on nearly every page.
I was further put off by the constant barrage of designer brands and expensive cars. The pricey things are more original and more lovingly described than the characters, which tends to underline the shallowness of the theme.
Other Reviews by Jackson Pillock
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Otherkin starts well. There’s a mystery—slaughtered horses, a private eye called to investigate, and his girlfriend. We find out that the Otherkin have something to do with a mysterious laboratory, and that Dr. Jackson is up to something sinister. Nice, fun set-ups. I liked the opening.
Then, we hit the second act, and it all gets a bit lost. Why does the girlfriend leave,...
Otherkin starts well. There’s a mystery—slaughtered horses, a private eye called to investigate, and his girlfriend. We find out that the Otherkin have something to do with a mysterious laboratory, and that Dr. Jackson is up to something sinister. Nice, fun set-ups. I liked the opening.
Then, we hit the second act, and it all gets a bit lost. Why does the girlfriend leave, and just happen to work for the sinister Jackson? Wouldn’t it be stronger if Harry sends her there on assignment, her first undercover task?
What are the Otherkin all about? Did we ever find out why they’ve been slaughtering horses?
What is Jackson doing, exactly? Is he making an army of crazed fanatics? Why? The government and military seem to be in on the act, but nothing comes of it.
I think you need to focus. I didn’t like the Act I Climax—Harry turns up drunk at Jackson’s house and finds out his girlfriend is getting to friendly with the Russian healer-harmer bloke. That’s where the story started to go off the rails for me. What should have been a subplot takes over and confuses your hero. Focus. I was pulled in by the promise of a good old mystery/horror but ended up wandering around confused mazes. You even say, at one point, words to the effect of “Harry wanders like a man who doesn’t know where he’s going…’ That’s it in a nutshell.
What is Harry’s story-goal? What is Jackson going to do to stop him getting it? Maybe I missed something; maybe you’re being subtle. But I don’t know what was supposed to have happened, though I read the whole thing.
Good atmosphere, tone and dialogue. Interesting characters, but you've got to sort out the story.
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I found much to like in this script. The goodies were good and the baddies were bad. The writer was generous with the romantic imagery and heroic action. It had an admirable integrity—period romance delivered with a straight face, and admirable passion.
That said, the story had a certain quaintness, which ultimately put me off becoming engaged in it. Take the character of...
I found much to like in this script. The goodies were good and the baddies were bad. The writer was generous with the romantic imagery and heroic action. It had an admirable integrity—period romance delivered with a straight face, and admirable passion.
That said, the story had a certain quaintness, which ultimately put me off becoming engaged in it. Take the character of Underwood, for example. He was such a boo-hiss villain that I simply could not believe in him. As soon as he started drawling about his hatred for the honest, hardworking Acadians, I knew his fate was sealed. In the end, the very traits which endeared me to the story also stopped me getting into it fully. I was seeing covers of romance paperbacks, all swelling breasts and puffy shirts.
I thought the structure was basically sound, though the plot-points were all a bit too obvious. Nothing came as much of a surprise. For instance, I knew that the French would lose the battle—the writer told me so in advance.
I wasn’t sure about the modern day reading of the diary. First, it’s not a very intriguing story opening; second, there is much action that Alexandre would not have been aware of. Isn’t there enough story without the modern bookends? If this is a story about a daughter re-connecting with her mother, then write that.
The dialogue was overwritten. I would suggest giving it a pass, and just cutting every word that can be cut. Phrases such as ‘If at all possible,’ are both superfluous and too modern-sounding. There are also passages of un-screenplay like description, reading like excessive romance-novel fare.
The setting was interesting—it’s a period of history I’m not very familiar with.
How much appeal would this story have? I could picture someone curling up to it on the sofa, on a rainy afternoon, but it doesn’t read like a movie to me. As a period drama, with battle-scenes and ships, etc, it would need a huge budget. It would be a huge gamble for anyone to try and finance and film. Also, subtitles put off a huge swathe of your potential audience.
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This script charts the ups and downs of Harold Godwin, as he travels from lord to king, to getting an arrow in the eye at the Battle of Hastings. The plot is reasonably clear, though I confess some of the finer points of the various intrigues, rebellions and councils were lost on me. What is this story really about? This is a world that’s not been brought to screen for a while—a...
This script charts the ups and downs of Harold Godwin, as he travels from lord to king, to getting an arrow in the eye at the Battle of Hastings. The plot is reasonably clear, though I confess some of the finer points of the various intrigues, rebellions and councils were lost on me. What is this story really about? This is a world that’s not been brought to screen for a while—a swords and banners medieval epic. Harold stands for justice and humanity in a brutal world. Why does he lose? What brings him down? I assume you’ve done your research, and you’re telling it much like it happened. But in terms of story—why does Harold lose?
Here is my understanding of the structure: The story starts with Harold’s family members being kidnapped and handed over into the ‘safe-keeping’ of Duke William. Long first act as Harold tries various ways of getting them back. Various subplots simmer away—love interest with ‘Swan-neck,’ and wrangling over Northumbrian matters and the Succession. First act climaxes with Harold making his choice—he will become King. This sets in motion the second act—consolidating his power, putting down rebellions. Second act climax—Harold’s brother dies. Harold has put country ahead of family. Third act—Duke William invades, threatening the survival of Harold’s kingdom, for which he has sacrificed so much, climaxing with a ‘down ending’ as William gets it at Hastings. Sorrow of war.
Harold was perhaps a little too consistently ‘good’ for me to relate to as a character. How is he changed by the story? His main dilemma, which I took to be loyalty to country and justice versus loyalty to family, seems a little too easily settled. He has so much right on his side, that when he kills his brother, Tosti, there’s no real emotion. This should be a major emotional peak in the story, but it just fell flat for me. Can you find a way of punching up this conflict, and taking Harold on more of a journey? This story did not touch my emotions.
The dialogue was patchy. You haven’t done enough yet to make it sound true to the period. At the moment, it’s contemporary English peppered here and there with archaic phrases. Occasionally reads like a Tolkein parody. I think you either have to go further with the language, delve into Shakespeare and other sources, and work on it word-by-word to achieve and even tone, or just write it in the clearest formal, contemporary English you can. It’s tough to write period dialogue, and very easy to make it sound over-heavy. Some of the official announcements and proclamations sounded fairly convincing.
Also, on page one, I think you need to do something to evoke the period—a bit of costume description, some suggestion. Are we looking at the Bayeux tapestry? A Bruegel painting? Just a few words to put me in the picture.
You do a bit of ‘we see’ and calling the shots, which are sometimes frowned upon in a spec script. Overall, I think you need to think about wielding a two-edged battle axe, and find what can be cut. Long blocks of dialogue, long blocks of scene description. You’ve got to pare that down, as it’s a slow read at the moment.
What sort of budget do you think you’d need to film it? I’m thinking multimillions.
I’ve got to give this a ‘pass’ in its present form, although I do think you might persevere through a few more drafts if you’re really fired up about it. You obviously have a pretty good feel for the history, and perhaps people who liked Lord of the Rings and Excalibur would go for Guardian of the Shore.
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