Other Reviews by Mike Wolfson 211

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  Free Will for Room Service
  A review of Room Service
  by Mike Wolfson on 04/18/2013
  Hi Dan, I haven’t got much to say about Room Service as I really enjoyed the read. You left me with a smile on my face. I didn’t see the twist coming. Here are my reading notes all minor points: p.1 Still, silent, and impersonal. The sheets, still made, were a little ruffled from where someone had been sitting. Nothing wrong with the above but you use ‘still’ twice in quick... Hi Dan,
  
  I haven’t got much to say about Room Service as I really enjoyed the read. You left me with a smile on my face. I didn’t see the twist coming.
  
  Here are my reading notes all minor points:
  
  p.1 Still, silent, and impersonal. The sheets, still made, were a little ruffled from where someone had been sitting.
  
  Nothing wrong with the above but you use ‘still’ twice in quick succession. You could change the second ‘still’ for ‘although’.
  
  p.1 The only thing inside the bedside table was the bible in the bottom drawer, read by hardly any of the guests, especially not the current occupant of the room.
  
  Again, nothing wrong with the above, but the previous sentence also started with the same wording ‘The only thing’. Maybe you could change it to: Inside the bottom drawer of the bedside table was a bible,…
  
  p.1 He was breathing heavily and sweat dripped down his round cheeks, he put his hands on his face and took a deep exhale.
  
  It just read a little awkward. Maybe the last bit should read ‘…and he exhaled deeply.’
  
  p.1 After a few minutes of lying on the bed and when his breathing had returned to a normal pace he sat upright and stared at his reflection in the dresser mirror at the foot of the bed.
  
  I’d end the sentence after dresser mirror. It doesn’t matter where it is; let the reader build their own image of the room.
  
  p.2 This time it appeared he was tying to avoid looking at his reflection as he stood at the sink.
  
  Typo with ‘tying’. Be careful with lines like the one above. Was Ed trying to avoid looking at himself or did it just ‘appear’ that way? What exactly are you telling the reader? Those type of lines can be effective in the right scenario. I think in this case it might be better to say he ‘deliberately avoided looking at himself.’
  
  P.4 Someone had inserted a key-card into the door and it had opened it.
  
  The above doesn’t read quite right. May I suggest: Someone had opened the door with a key card.
  
  
  That’s it. I enjoyed Room Service. There’s nothing really wrong with it that can’t be addressed very quickly.
  
  Ed is a great character, and the following line is wonderful:
  
  “Hello Colin.” Came the meek voice from the bathroom and the round, harmless face. His sorry eyes peered over his podgy, rosy cheeks.
  
  At the end I wanted more but not in a bad way. In a good – I could happily read more about Ed – kind of way.
  
  This is good.
  
  Mike read
• 
  Free Will for Merrywinter
  A review of Mrs Merrywinter & the Unexpected Visitor
  by Mike Wolfson on 04/17/2013
  Hi Dan, I’m pretty sure that I owe you more favours than you owe me, so here’s the first of two free will reviews. I’ve reviewed the TS version of Mrs. Merrywinter. It was too difficult to get to my copy of Firewords due to a leaking boiler. Don’t worry it’s safe and dry. I just physically couldn’t get to it. The beauty of a free will review is that I’ve got a bit more freedom... Hi Dan,
  
  I’m pretty sure that I owe you more favours than you owe me, so here’s the first of two free will reviews.
  
  I’ve reviewed the TS version of Mrs. Merrywinter. It was too difficult to get to my copy of Firewords due to a leaking boiler. Don’t worry it’s safe and dry. I just physically couldn’t get to it.
  
  The beauty of a free will review is that I’ve got a bit more freedom. I’ve read the other reviews and I’ve looked at the current grading. The story is marked lower than it should be. I would have marked it good in most categories.
  
  Minor points first:
  
  You’ve got scope to take out some unnecessary wording. Here’s an example:
  
  “Beneath the three porcelain ducks of varying sizes on the wall,…”
  
  ‘Of varying sizes’ doesn’t add anything to the sentence. I believe – and let me know if you disagree – that the following has a much better rhythm:
  
  Beneath the three porcelain ducks on the wall, and between the old grandfather clock and the fireplace, something was stirring.
  
  Another example:
  
  She adjusted her spectacles and scrunched her weary eyes a few times, taking in her floral lounge.
  
  The sentence could be: She adjusted her spectacles and scrunched her weary eyes, taking in the floral lounge.
  
  Notice in the above that I swapped the last ‘her’ for a ‘the’. The main reason being that you use ‘her’ three times in one sentence.
  
  Re the following: The old-fashioned doorbell rang through the empty house again.
  
  Is ‘empty’ right? I can’t help thinking of all those cats. It also suggests a sparse barren house, but I see it as a cluttered house, ornaments, grandfather clocks, etc.
  
  I know what you’re intending. You’re setting the scene of a lone elderly woman. Would the following suggestion be slightly better?
  
  The old-fashioned doorbell rang through the once silent house.
  
  Silence also sets up a contrast with the sound of the doorbell. It’s an opposite, the doorbell is invading the silence, just as the criminal is about to invade Ethel’s house. It’s subtlety using words / phrases to foreshadow what’s about to happen.
  
  Remember all minor points, which brings me nicely to…
  
  My main point.
  
  If there was one thing I’d look at to improve the story as a whole it’s the tone.
  
  One reviewer described this as hilarious, which it clearly isn’t and neither is it intended to be. However, I can understand how they made that mistake. The start of the story has a very jaunty feel to it. I thought I might be reading a light hearted tongue in cheek drama.
  
  Obviously events take a different turn. I don’t know if that jaunty feel was deliberate or whether it’s just the way the story wrote itself. It’s incredibly difficult to start with a particular type of tone / feel and then switch to something different.
  
  I felt a little bit awkward as if I was reading a slightly different story to the one I started reading. It’s not that it didn’t work, but it didn’t entirely work either.
  
  It absolutely is entirely possible to switch tone, but it’s so hard to pull off. I can’t think of a short story example, but a good example of a film that achieves it incredibly well is Good Morning Vietnam. It starts off hilarious and then halfway / two-thirds through the film a bomb goes off in a bar and our protagonist feels betrayed by the people he befriended.
  
  Your other option is to take a slightly more darker tone from the beginning. You would need to concentrate on loneliness, frailty, and fears. To some extent you have covered those aspects so maybe it’s to do with imagery and word choice. The beginning definitely has a jaunty, cosy, homely, coronation street feel to it. (It’s the three ducks that did the coronation street thing. Hilda Ogden. I’m showing my age…Damn!)
  
  But I can’t finish this review without talking about…
  
  The things I liked.
  
  Great inviting title. The story itself is good and unfortunately the vulnerable are taken advantage of by the unscrupulous. The visuals were very good, as was the observation. I loved the bit about pushing the hanky up the sleeve. Definitely an older person trait. I liked the pink fluffy slippers, it reminded me of my mum in law. Hmmm, maybe that’s something I don’t like.
  
  I thought the characters were well portrayed. The abundance of cats is something I’ve also seen with aged single women. Again, good observation.
  
  I loved the following line:
  
  Her collection of multi-coloured cats followed her impatiently, dancing figure of eights around her legs.
  
  The work was easy to read and had a good flow. You’ve got the page count about spot on.
  
  I said earlier that I would grade this as mostly good. It’s only the structure section which I would have marked as average. This is due to the comments on tone.
  
  I hope this helps. I’ll review Room Service next. I might do a couple of assignment reviews first, but give me a week or so and the review should follow.
  
  Take care, and a sincere thank you for the constant support / praise you throw my way. It would be good to buy you a beer one day.
  
  More than happy to discuss / debate any of the above.
  
  Cheers,
  
  Mike read
• 
  The Dark Walk
  A review of A Walk In The Dark
  by Mike Wolfson on 04/15/2013
  Hi Marc, I thought that A Walk in The Dark was generally a well written piece. Vampires are very popular at the moment which is kind of a double edged sword. On one hand the popularity of the subject matter means there’s a market, which is a good thing. On the other hand with there being so much vampire material out there any writer needs to have something special or unique... Hi Marc,
  
  I thought that A Walk in The Dark was generally a well written piece.
  
  Vampires are very popular at the moment which is kind of a double edged sword. On one hand the popularity of the subject matter means there’s a market, which is a good thing. On the other hand with there being so much vampire material out there any writer needs to have something special or unique to make their work stand out from the crowd.
  
  This is currently a tale about vampire hunters which has been done before.
  
  One way this could work better is as a short twisty tale so we don’t actually know it’s about vampires until right at the end. I think that was partly your intention.
  
  However, your synopsis had me looking for a twist:
  
  A woman alone at night. A man offers to help. Both are not quite truthful with each other.
  
  So straight away as a reader I’m getting ready for a twist, and that took some of the enjoyment out of the reading experience. You can still edit the synopsis, and if you’re still adding review credits I’d recommend it. Your other one liner works much better:
  
  Nothing to be scared of. It's just a little walk in the dark.
  
  I’d also drop reference to the ‘stake’ on page 2. This comes half way through the story, so we know it’s Vampires now. It diluted the effect of the ending. Keep the line ‘stab him in the heart’ just drop the stake element.
  
  I liked the voice talking to our leading lady. Again, if you could do that in such a way that the reader thinks it’s Keri's inner voice it would increase the impact of your ending. You start off in that way, but funnily enough it’s the same line that references the stake that gives the game away. Again, too early at half way through the story. Consider taking out:
  
  “…that’s an order.” The voice was firm.
  
  Delaying the reveals until the very end makes the ending more effective.
  
  It’s difficult when receiving comments to know exactly how the reviewer has judged the work. All the above is just about improving the work further, but I think your starting point is pretty good anyway.It's also just my opinion.
  
  The length of the story for this kind of set up is spot on. You’ve started the story in the right place, and you haven’t unnecessarily drawn out the ending. The prose was all clean and uncluttered. The story flowed, and it was easy to understand what was happening.
  
  Take care,
  
  Mike read