Other Reviews by jrnyman2 37

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  A bigger, closeted secret?
  A review of The Secrets We Don't Say
  by jrnyman2 on 05/29/2009
  Hello, PeacefullySubjected: I just finished your short story, “The Secrets We Don’t Say,” and if I DO say, it was a read that has tremendous potential. I think (IMHO) short stories can be written effectively if they can do either of two things: drive the reader down a Mr. Toad’s Wild ride and end with a satisfying twist, or, capture a single moment of time like a verbal...
  Hello, PeacefullySubjected:
  
  I just finished your short story, “The Secrets We Don’t Say,” and if I DO say, it was a read that has tremendous potential.
  
  I think (IMHO) short stories can be written effectively if they can do either of two things: drive the reader down a Mr. Toad’s Wild ride and end with a satisfying twist, or, capture a single moment of time like a verbal snapshot. Yours did the latter with finesse and painful eloquence.
  
  A weakness that I think hampers the story’s punch is that it seems self-indulgent. This is probably a trap that first person accounts are in danger of falling into, because as a writer tries to quantify emotions, repetition can evolve. In others words (I fear I may be beating the dead horse myself right now!), you repeat the same basic message several times: namely, how much the first person is longing for the other woman. True, colorful metaphors and catchy vocabulary can be refreshing, but when they keep hitting the same bulls-eye over and over, they end up reading like the author is just trying to sound it out… s/he keeps trying and trying to capture the essence rather than just writing it.
  
  And as a personal rave, I think there was also power for me when I realized the first person may be (probably is?) a female. No language in the story spells this out directly, but the thought patterns and internal dialogue are very feminine. Given the history of the ‘other woman,’ she would be exactly the type to attract a troubled young woman who may also be grappling with her own sexuality.
  
  Bravo!
  
  Perhaps paring some of the internal struggles with desire would improve the flow.
  
  Steve Olivas
  Jrnyman2 read
• 
  needs more build-up
  A review of T.B
  by jrnyman2 on 07/02/2008
  Hi Kavdhi: I see you have not been active on TS for quite awhile, so I hope you eventually read this review. In case you do not return, I will keep this brief. I have just finished your story, “T.B.” You did well to bring an American (like me!) into your world. Good descriptions of the people and places within the story. There were a few major weaknesses, however. And... Hi Kavdhi:
  
  I see you have not been active on TS for quite awhile, so I hope you eventually read this review. In case you do not return, I will keep this brief.
  
  I have just finished your story, “T.B.” You did well to bring an American (like me!) into your world. Good descriptions of the people and places within the story.
  
  There were a few major weaknesses, however. And in a nutshell, I would recommend that you work toward a more engaging build-up in the story. I found myself somewhat bored by all of the descriptions and pedestrian actions that were presented without a payoff! You had it set up that the main character was excited to see his girlfriend – even had a little spat between them – but went on to over-describe some of the very mundane aspects of his journey without really relating them to his character development or to the payoff at the end.
  
  Otherwise, there were also a number of grammatical errors that may be due to English being a second language for you. My guess is that you would be much improved in your native tongue.
  
  I think you have potential to be a good writer, but need to stick to a tighter storyline so that the reader remains engaged and does not drift off in the descriptions of the surroundings. A bomb going off on a bus is indeed horrific, but the path to get there should either 1) shock the reader or 2) be the payoff after some suspense.
  
  Best of luck to you-
  Steve read
• 
  Burgers & Fries?
  A review of Andrew's Walk Home
  by jrnyman2 on 07/02/2008
  Hi Joe: I just got done reading your delightfully dark comedy, “Andrew's Walk Home.” I must say, despite being distracted by the English dialect (and oh-so-British Idioms!) I had a great time with this read. Your main character was a bit of a scoundrel, but an overall likeable cad. If I could offer a single suggestion, it would be to tone down the number of British-isms... Hi Joe:
  
  I just got done reading your delightfully dark comedy, “Andrew's Walk Home.” I must say, despite being distracted by the English dialect (and oh-so-British Idioms!) I had a great time with this read. Your main character was a bit of a scoundrel, but an overall likeable cad.
  
  If I could offer a single suggestion, it would be to tone down the number of British-isms on the first page or so. For us dole Americans, it read like trying to weed through a work of Shakespeare without the translation guide on the right-hand page (or the sacred “Cliff’s Notes” that got me through high school). Once I acclimated however, I was okay.
  
  As for the story itself… well-edited and crafted. Aside form the aforementioned issue, I think this flowed with the bounce and humor for which it was intended. I especially LOVED the line about eating someone’s brain – it actually made me laugh out loud! I think the motivation of the main character was well-founded, and that his character development was artfully presented. I was right there with him.
  
  The only other thought I had during the read was about the heroine addict he encountered near the tunnel. In my mind, a true addict, upon suspecting our hero had opiates in his immediate possession, would have perhaps rolled him for the stash.
  
  But that was it. I really enjoyed the ride, and wanted to read more about what happened after our bloke got home and had to deal with a wife who would have been one part horrified at the sight of him, and two parts still pissed. With him in his stupor, it may have made for delightful literature!
  
  Keep writing, and I look forward to the adventure continuing!
  
  Steve read