You accomplished what you intended. I finished this story with a chuckle and a smile. It's definitely well written and an entertaining piece.
The concept works well in this format, but I can also picture it as a screenplay. It seems a perfect beginning to a twisted comedy.
There's not much description of the two characters. I thought adding some physical description would be helpful. I chose to see them in their best golf attire which added to the humor of the moment.
The structure is good, but giving a little more background will build attachment to the characters and get the reader more engaged. That way we care more about what happens.
All in all, I liked this. I think you have a talent for building suspense. Good job.
Review of: Play It Where It Lays
reviewed by Suesea on 10/07/2010
Other Reviews by Suesea 171
A review of Caution While Mergingby Suesea on 10/08/2010This screenplay starts a bit slow. It appears as though not much is happening on the first ten-20 pages. The characters are going about their daily routine, however, the writer is carefully laying the foundation for some incredible, jaw dropping, twists and turns. The structure of the screenplay (the format) is good, but I have a feeling that the slow pace of the first 20... read
A review of One of Those Days (Rough Draft)by Suesea on 10/07/2010That was a superficial take on some serious subjects. I have to say I wasn't expecting the ending. At one point, I thought vampires, but it turned out way different. I just read your production notes and see that you have posted a final draft. If it's assigned to me, I'd be glad to review it as well. Since I read this one, I'm going to go ahead and post my notes. Since... read
A review of Do it and Dieby Suesea on 10/06/2010I had trouble following some of the writing in this short story. “My insides are tumbling like a circus performer who has collided with an iceberg splashing into the ocean.” It would suit the story more, to use examples that a reader can relate to and actually imagine. The example you give is bizarre, and it distracts from the story rather than adding descriptive flow. The... read