Well - as I figured by the second page, and as I read (after reading the short) in your notes, this is a script, not a short story.
I have done this myself, rewritten scripts into stories. I must stress that these are completely different types of writing and if you really want to develop this into a short, then you have a great deal of work to do. About another twenty pages worth to fur this out right and put it into proper prose.
That said, I found the story interesting. I thought the imagery was good. A tad confused (and maybe this is intentional) about whether or not Jim is a danger to kids. Someone accuses him of this, and at the end of the story he seems to be watching a couple of kids. This is really unclear - but then, you may want to leave it unclear, especially if you do this as a short. One thing I love about John Cassavettes work is that he does not always tell you the end of the story, or even what the hard points of the story are - he just kind of lets it float, and that adds something in itself.
As a film idea, I think this is really good. You should film it. As a short story, it needs major reworking.
Review of: Vindicated
reviewed by Cenydd Ros on 08/12/2010
Other Reviews by Cenydd Ros 141
A review of The Currentby Cenydd Ros on 07/17/2011Some of this is nicely wriiten, making use of some flavorful prose. Mostly, I liked the language/writing craft of the action lines. e.g. encapsulating Tendrils of smoke waft toes webbed with soap bubbles a squalid living room "Getting your hole" - Didn't get this line. To be frank, I feel that flashbacks generally suck. I just don't think it is a good approach to story telling... read
A review of BATTLESAURSby Cenydd Ros on 07/06/2011- Having worked both academically and professional as an archaeologist, I can tell you I was biting into my tongue on page 1. I would suggest having a paleontologist on the team in the opening segment. - I am not sure which would be the most amazing discovery, that there were humans one million years ago or that there were still dinosaurs one million years ago. :) - This is... read
A review of EARTHSHAKERSby Cenydd Ros on 06/23/2011This being the third script of yours I have read, I must note that you have one hell of an imagination - and you create some very interesting (i.e. entertaining) visuals and elements in your work. There is much in the way of "eyepopping" candy in your stories that would make them something to see on the big screen. Overall, you have a good sense of creating images for the screen... read