Very good, compelling story.
Time flew by while I was reading this. You have a real gift for keeping the reader engaged. I take it the couple had decided to kill Mr Hunt? That's what I took from the mildly ambiguous ending. If that's what you meant, it doesn't require clarification.
I saw one mistake; on page 9, you wrote 'Denny' instead of Danny. I'm sure you've noticed, so don't worry about re-uploading just for that, and losing all your reviews (I always notice a dumb mistake after adding credits to a story).
At the beginning, the way I read the text was that Betsy and the diner owner, not Betsy and Danny, had been high school sweethearts. I didn't figure out the truth until near the end. This could be tidied up just a little, to be 100% clear. Otherwise, this story is impeccably told. Well done.
Other Reviews by vieira4
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Thanks for uploading this story. You got so much emotion and passion into five pages!
I sense that English is a language you have learned (although you've learned it very well). Therefore there are a few small mistakes. You're supposed to write numbers below 100 in words (9/nine). "short brown hair till neck" - short brown hair falling to her neck.
"that time, which I subconsciously...
Thanks for uploading this story. You got so much emotion and passion into five pages!
I sense that English is a language you have learned (although you've learned it very well). Therefore there are a few small mistakes. You're supposed to write numbers below 100 in words (9/nine). "short brown hair till neck" - short brown hair falling to her neck.
"that time, which I subconsciously had" - I don't understand what you mean. The narrator clearly did have that time consciously - do you mean that he imagined some of what went on?
In good news, I like this line:
"Even the ladies had now no one to compete with, or in my words, to look up to.". I like that: you get a sense that the narrator is an optimist.
I like the sense of beauty and newness that you create. You can tell from the boy's passion that he is experiencing admiration of the opposite sex for the first time. I also like the specific, historical nature of the story - you've done your homework. All in all, a very successful effort.
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Wow... I have to admit, I had to skim quite a bit of the end, taking in enough details to understand what was going on without focusing too hard, or I, like the protagonist, would have been sick. Ugh. I don't know how you came up with this :D
Having said all that, your writing is excellent. I didn't spot any mistakes. I loved your description of Carlucci and his home, and...
Wow... I have to admit, I had to skim quite a bit of the end, taking in enough details to understand what was going on without focusing too hard, or I, like the protagonist, would have been sick. Ugh. I don't know how you came up with this :D
Having said all that, your writing is excellent. I didn't spot any mistakes. I loved your description of Carlucci and his home, and the protagonist's motivation for house-sitting. Interesting that the woman/creature didn't have a heart. Is this some established horror-creature you're describing, or did you make it up? If she's all yours, what was your motivation for making her heartless? (Sorry for the pun.) I wonder if she wanted to have sex one last time before she died?
The only thing I'm not sure about is the ending. I did like the last line, the punchline - you'd never expect to have to say 'It's not what you think' in that situation - but it wasn't how I thought how it was going to end, and I thought it was weaker than the story. I'd have made the protagonist finish clearing up in time, only for his tooth to fall out, I think! I'm absolutely hopeless at ending stories well, though, so I don't really have any right to comment. Generally, this was very good. Thanks for submitting it.
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Hi. Thanks for this story, which I generally really liked. Your structure is impeccable, and your descriptions are vivid. I particularly enjoyed the central character's description of the New York sunset, followed by a verbal self-portrait. I was surprised by the guy's age when I eventually found it out. Was that intentional?
The reason I found this disappointing probably...
Hi. Thanks for this story, which I generally really liked. Your structure is impeccable, and your descriptions are vivid. I particularly enjoyed the central character's description of the New York sunset, followed by a verbal self-portrait. I was surprised by the guy's age when I eventually found it out. Was that intentional?
The reason I found this disappointing probably has more to do with me than you. Firstly, I wanted to know what was illegal about the transactions the guy was proposing. Secondly, I was kind of sad that there wasn't a final twist - he got away with it and/or managed to take the others in the room down with him. I liked Ms Drake's joke about not getting an end-of-year bonus. I couldn't work out what all the stuff about Mr Gregory not being there was in aid of.
In London, public transport is a divider. If you're poor, you take the bus. if you're OK, you take the train. If you're rich, you drive or take a taxi. Fascinating that it's a leveller in New York.
"the man whose temporary livelihood I just saved looks me up and down like a menacing punk" - brilliant! I like how someone who's just admitted to illegal financial activity cares enough about his fellow man to prevent them from becoming victims of petty theft. Ooh, I'm reminded of my football hero, who got sent off for a horrible foul yesterday, but went to Brazil to do charity work when he was just 16. "Vultures" by Chinua Achebe also comes to mind.
All in all, this was good, and got me thinking. I'd like to read any alternative ending you might have considered!
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