Very solid in many areas but structure makes for a bit confusing read
I really loved the beginning. All of the action at the house is tight and the confinement of it and strong character development makes for great intrigue. Your dialogue is great - very real and specific for each character. One of those scripts where you could skip over the names and still know who is speaking. Overall the character development is great.
Love that Eliana told Theo that story about killing her previous boyfriend. Created amazing tension and a chance for the characters to really reveal themselves.
I also loved when she “shot” Olivia. Didn’t see that coming! Or that it was fake. Great moments. The only thing was that I wasn’t sure of Olivia’s motivation for going along with it. How would Eliana approach her about participating in this? And why would she think Olivia would go along with it? Did they know each other before Olivia starting sleeping with Theo? Then it would make sense. But the way it read was as if Eliana approached Olivia afterwards and I had a hard time understanding how they teamed up.
And Clyde (faking it as Nolan) and telling the cab driver he was going to kill his wife was a bit unbelievable. Seems a little strong and a risk that the cab driver might call it in or something. I was thinking it would be better if he hinted that he was going to catch his wife in the act of cheating. That way if the cab driver was interviewed (assuming this was supposed to set up the murders) he would still be able to say the motivation was there without being told that he planned to outright murder his wife.
Up until around page 60 I was thinking you could easily sell this as a low-budget film and solid actors would be interested. Unfortunately with all the flashbacks that followed, this quick easy read became a bit of a challenge. In a way, it undid all the great pacing that came before it. I don’t know how you could pull it off without all the flashbacks and yet they definitely slowed the read down. And pull you out of the script.
Up until the point where Clyde came in, I was completely invested in what was unfolding before me. Invested in the characters and their fates. But once it started cutting back and forth so much, I was reminded it was a script and felt distant from the action. The ending felt long. And all the bad people and twists and turns seemed a bit contrived. Yes twist and turns are good. But at a certain point, I started to feel a bit manipulated. And it was so complex I just read more to see how all the loose ends were tied up without feeling emotionally invested anymore.
I think you have a really solid script as far as the intrigue, tension, dialogue and characters that play out at the house. If you can somehow find a way to keep them in this confined space as it unfolds and lessen the flashbacks, I think that would heighten the story even more.
Thank you for a great read. Best of luck to you!
Other Reviews by memery
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I felt like when I read this script there were a lot of gags or funny moments that you wanted to put into a screenplay so you wrote this to show those. And there are laughs so kudos for that. But I think some key elements might be missing.
First, the stakes aren’t very high. In other words, yes these two want a job but why is it imperative that they get jobs right now?...
I felt like when I read this script there were a lot of gags or funny moments that you wanted to put into a screenplay so you wrote this to show those. And there are laughs so kudos for that. But I think some key elements might be missing.
First, the stakes aren’t very high. In other words, yes these two want a job but why is it imperative that they get jobs right now? I need a “B” story that moves it along. I need something that forces them to take bigger and bigger action against surmounting obstacles to reach their goal. Something to propel the story forward instead of just being a bunch of funny scenes strung together. Maybe they owe a debt to someone really scary and only have a week to pay it off before they will be killed or hurt really bad. That creates suspense because we really care whether or not they can pull off the new company.
Here are some other notes:
How old are Sean and Cole? This needs to be included in their character descriptions - at least an age range.
Also, in the first sequence, if Cole was fired for going off on his grandmother (shown in flashback from the day before) – why is he working there still? That didn’t track for me.
As for the grandma thing, that makes Cole very unlikeable. I don’t subscribe to the fact that lead characters have to be likeable (though some in the industry claim this as “a rule”). But the one thing that successful writers do who have lead characters who are unlikeable is show their vulnerabilities. They show why they are that way – why they are so awful.
I never saw anything in Cole to redeem him. He’s cruel to his grandma, mean to fat people and is racist. The effect was that I didn’t care what happened to him. I was almost rooting against him being successful and I don’t think you intended that. I really saw him only as a bully. And I’m sorry to say this but he was almost “hateable” because he was so cruel. I saw no other “colors” (good traits as well as bad ones) that made me invested in him or his success. The result was that I was not emotionally invested in the story at all. I think you can counteract this by showing one short scene of him dealing with a bad parent – or something along those lines. I need a reason, any reason, to stay with our lead and be rooting for him. Show why he has such a jaded view on the world. Make it be about some past hurt and that will get me!
I got to page 9 and still had no idea what the main conflict of the story was. I think that was because of all the flashbacks. For me, there were too many showing how Cole screwed up jobs for Sean and himself. One or two at most establishes this. Three seemed overkill and only there for laughs. They didn’t propel the story forward.
I really like how your focus towards the end was on the relationship between Sean and Cole. However, early on, I had a hard time understanding why Sean would even be friends with Cole. On a positive note, you did a great job differentiating between the two of them and setting up the conflict. Their dialogue was very distinct which was good. But the ultimate conflict seems it should come from how differently they view the world – Cole is cruel and Sean isn’t. Instead the conflict came down to continuing the business which didn’t offer Cole any means of redemption.
A random note: That news story about the two lovers stuck in the cave early on would never air because of language. It’s not realistic that local news would allow such profanity. And that scene didn’t seem to add to the story. Again, it didn’t propel it forward.
Nice twist to get the mother in law to move out – finally some action! But it seemed too late. Also, you wrote “Dressed as lawyers.” How about they are in stuffy suits? Ones that are too big or too tight or whatever.
Pg. 30 “Sexual reference about charts." I don’t know what this is referring to (?)
Pg. 17 Why is he buying tampons??
Cole had a chance to redeem himself in how he comes on to Kandy but instead he came across as gross and offensive. You could use this opportunity to show his vulnerable, insecure side to gain audience sympathy. A guy that is that “out there” with being cruel and judgmental has to have some insecurities. I would love to see them! And his interaction with a woman is the perfect opportunity.
Pg. 63 Unrealistic dialogue with the woman saying ”while she’s looking at her cans.” It may be a funny play on words but is not realistic and left the dialogues feeling fake.
Pg. 82 I think you want us to like Kandy. But a good mother (at least one we can respect) would never tell a stranger their daughter was heavy in front of their daughter. And then continue to talk about her daughter in third person like she’s not there.
Great twist at end with her husband coming back!
Pg. 119 – You wrote “A month has passed” in the action section. Just a note that there’s no way for the audience to know this because this (written the way it is) will never be shot. Structure-wise, you need to write:
Title card: One Month Later
To let the audience know it’s been a month (title cards are displayed onscreen).
I’m sorry if this came across as a bit harsh. I think you have a real flair for comedy and if you work on making Cole more three dimensional and building a plot that has higher stakes you could have something that really works. Actors love to play characters like Cole (who run against the “good guy” stereotype) but you need to give them some dimensions in order to pull it off. Best of luck!
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I think you have the seed for a good coming-of-age story about a teenage boy and his flawed mentor. With that said, I think it would be stronger if you focused on the Stanley-Mr. Francis relationship and really hone in on one storyline. In fact, Brad felt unnecessary to the plot, almost distracting.
As it stands, I don’t see it as a comedy but more of an art house drama ala...
I think you have the seed for a good coming-of-age story about a teenage boy and his flawed mentor. With that said, I think it would be stronger if you focused on the Stanley-Mr. Francis relationship and really hone in on one storyline. In fact, Brad felt unnecessary to the plot, almost distracting.
As it stands, I don’t see it as a comedy but more of an art house drama ala Wonder Boys or Rushmore. In truth, it wasn’t funny. However, the tone of it could lend itself instead to something more substantial by way of growth of the main character through the drama
With regards to Mr. Francis, if he is the true “buddy” of this script, it would be great to see more dimensions of him. He seems more a caricature than a real person right now. He was also pretty creepy until I learned about his true intentions for hanging out with Brad (which were hard to buy when it was revealed). I thought he might be a pedophile up until that point. By the way, where are the parents of these kids?
With regards to the main character, by the end, I felt it was more Brad then Stanley. Brad faces the biggest conflict – his story escalates while Stanley’s is static. He's the one who has a character arc going from a jock to a guy who would make friends with Stanley. I would’ve liked the conflict to focus on Stanley’s journey instead. Having him be active instead of passive feels like a great way to focus a rewrite.
Based on the beginning, I felt the title would reflect some character arc in Stanley based on his relationship with Mr. Francis. If you made Mr. Francis more three-dimensional he could serve as a strong character who leads Stanley on a journey of some self-discovery. Right now, Stanley has no arc even though we have two influences. By focusing the story on just one influence, you could make Stanley an active lead. Right now, he’s completely passive which makes it hard to root for him. Some of the best scripts have the lead wanting something in the beginning but getting something different that they really need by the end. I would’ve liked to see this growth for Stanley.
Some random notes:
- It’s bad format to use all caps continually as you did for Brad’s dialogue. An exclamation point would suffice.
- This script is too long for a comedy. Getting it under 110 pages would give you a better shot at having it read by professionals.
There is definitely a story in there but it is buried under dialogue and description that is too heavy. Huge chunks of both is a turn-off to readers. It would work better to shorten both or break them up. Along those same lines, much of the dialogue is “on the nose” with characters saying exactly what they feel which rarely happens in real life. I think working more subtext into the script would make it more interesting and build more character intrigue.
Jessica is a one dimensional character. If you want to leave her that way, it might be interesting to see another more mature girl come along to be the real romantic interest. Then we see that Stanley has grown by his new choice in that girl.
I don’t understand Brad’s motivation for being Stanley’s friend. Also, he sounds like yoda and I don’t know any teenage boys that speak like him. They may think those things but it doesn’t seem believable that Brad would be speaking about life in that way so openly.
Again, good seeds for a truly dramatic story. However, I would just focus on tightening up the storyline, theme, dialogue, descriptions and characters.
Best of luck!
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The setup is great. A completely inept cop stumbles onto and ultimately solves a huge case. It is a premise ripe with possibilities for interesting characters and situations. The beginning is very good. Nice descriptions of Hollywood and the introduction of our “hero” Johnny creates intrigue. Off to a great start!
On the second page though, there are some problems. First,...
The setup is great. A completely inept cop stumbles onto and ultimately solves a huge case. It is a premise ripe with possibilities for interesting characters and situations. The beginning is very good. Nice descriptions of Hollywood and the introduction of our “hero” Johnny creates intrigue. Off to a great start!
On the second page though, there are some problems. First, camera angles (e.g. Over the Shoulder) should never be included in a spec script. It’s seen as amateur. A reader will see these and immediately not take your writing as seriously as you want them to. Same with including music. One song is ok to set the mood but including songs throughout is not the writer’s job. Not unless you intend to direct it yourself.
Your character descriptions are great. I love how you quickly paint a picture for them. Unfortunately, although I liked their descriptions, I didn’t feel any of them were three dimensional. For instance, Scagnetti is just a loud, angry boss. We see just this one trait and it’s pretty cliché at that. Perhaps you could “round him out” by adding another trait, something unexpected such as every time we see him, he is gently feeding his goldfish or something.
Johnny unfortunately also suffers from being just one dimensional. He is just stupid and that’s it. The result for me is that he seems like a caricature. Is he book smart but not street smart? Is he vulnerable in any way? I think you missed a great opportunity to show additional characters traits with how he reacts to Scagnetti reminding him over 100 partners of his have died. We get no response at all. No sadness. No regret. Showing that he has some (any!) strong emotion to this would reveal another side of him and make him seem real. Plus, we don’t actually have to like him but we need to be rooting for him and it’s hard to care about someone who doesn’t flinch when reminded he lost 116 partners.
Pg. 13 – What he “sees” on the History Channel is confusing. This spiritual or delusional aspect of the script is one of the least clear to me. Is he hallucinating? Or is he having an enlightened experience? If it’s an enlightened experience, why would the spiritual leaders choose this guy?
P. 21 – Nice surprise with Billy getting killed
p. 22 “I’m going to get revenge for Billy…even though he was killed 20 min ago?” Not sure what to make of this. It doesn’t track for me. It takes more than 20 min to plan a funeral. If you are calling attention to the fact that this is a script/movie then that is a dangerous thing. I see that you do that throughout (e.g. references to “plot point” “main bad guy”). Calling attention to it being a movie rarely works for reader…or audience. Usually the goal is to make the reader forget they’re reading a script and instead visualize the movie itself. I know some movies do this but it’s a tricky thing and I don’t think it works to your advantage in this case.
p. 25 – Think it should be “surely” instead of “surly”
How did he go to sleep in his bed and wake up in the cemetery? I was thinking the supernatural thing was just his delusions. That was easier to believe than he actually traveled.
P. 33 Even in broad comedy, action needs to be grounded. Why would he break through the gate? There isn’t even anyone pursuing him.
p. 34 – Not sure how “Matrix Man” is tied to the rest of the story? It seems too coincidental that they would go to the wrong house and then end up with the woman’s husband being a professional killer.
p. 36 - Why are the golfers so excited to see him? Why is he a celebrity? We haven’t seen anything that would lead me to believe he should be famous.
p. 38 - K-9 “growls” again, not “grows”
p. 60 – I really like Lottie’s character though I think you can build in some contrasting traits to Johnny to make for more conflict/dramatic scenes. Perhaps if Lottie is careful, afraid of getting hurt then that contrasts and creates conflict with Johnny’s spontaneous and dangerous behavior. If they’re both gung ho about getting into trouble, you lose an opportunity to play up the “buddy” part of this movie which is a strong aspect.
p. 70 - The news report. The Chief saying that Johnny is a serial killer is really out of left field especially since the Chief seems to have a soft spot for him due to his relationship with his dad.
p. 84 - Bob Saget? If you write a “whodunit” you have to let the audience have a chance of figuring it out. You need to show Bob Saget, if only briefly, earlier in script.
p. 87 – “Scene Missing” - what? This is obviously on purpose but I’m not sure what it means.
P. 88 - What movie gets out?
p. 91 – I got “to” get inside the warehouse
p. 93 - Introducing main bad guy on pg. 93 seems like a cheat. Is there any way to bring him in earlier?
p. 94 - Why are their textbooks in this location? Things like this make this script seem a little disconnected. There are no “rules” this world. You have aliens, spiritual “leaders”, textbooks appearing like Kryptonite. I read somewhere that you should only have one supernatural thing per script - one plot point where you ask your reader/audience to go along with something unbelievable. Any more than that and you risk them not being invested in the story because there’s too much of “anything can happen” and so they don’t recognize the world you’re creating. Not sure if this rule is hard and fast but it does seem to apply here. Yes, you have some nice dialogue – very witty in places – but for me, this is overshadowed by a plot that is just too far out there to get invested in. And characters that are too thin to care about.
The ending - was it all a dream? If not, none of this is believable and it’s wrapped up too neatly. Seems more like a fairytale than a script with layers in character and plotlines.
Overall, it was a fast read so the dialogue and brief descriptions were good. The storyline just didn’t “gel” for me – too many coincidences and plot points that seemed a bit out there. I also wanted to care more about our hero or at least see a few sides to him.
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