Very solid stuff here
A better script than synopsis, this was a surprise as it was the synopsis which made me want to read the script.
Everything is done well in this script. I think the biggest strength it the likeable main character and the self knowing humour which had me laughing out loud a few times. Throw in an action packed story and there's no doubt this would work as a movie. I would lose the line mentioning Inglorious Bastards it felt kind of mean and wasn't funny enough to pull it off. Also I would have liked the final battle between Sid and Victor to go on a bit longer. Maybe the setting of a mall didn't help. Perhaps it would be better set somewhere more left field like a baby food manufacturing plant. And I don't think you should tell us what was in the suitcase. The inter-dimensional machine felt a bit too science fictional for the rest of the story. The R rated aspects did feel a little obscure compared to the rest of the movie, even the violence, though frequent, came across as being as per functionary for a script about heroes and super villains. But I think adds a strong tone to the movie marking it out as being something distinct from other actions movies so I would leave it in.
NOTE: This review does not factor into the site rankings.
Other Reviews by azurazil
27
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This was an original horror story with a nice mystery at the start and creepy characters to keep you interested. But even when the initial mystery is solved there is still just more questions raised for the reader. This has more potential than most of the banal horror scripts I’ve read before but needs some tweaking here and there and perhaps a slight re-jigging of the ending...
This was an original horror story with a nice mystery at the start and creepy characters to keep you interested. But even when the initial mystery is solved there is still just more questions raised for the reader. This has more potential than most of the banal horror scripts I’ve read before but needs some tweaking here and there and perhaps a slight re-jigging of the ending.
One change I'd recommend is that you say the children were complicit in the last nanny committing suicide because of who they were and how they treated her. I think it would be better if the children just turned each nanny as they did Sophie then the nanny committed suicide herself unable to live with the new state of being (see Frankenstein). I think this wouldn’t destroy sympathy for children for the reader as it kind of did for me, something I think is important especially considering the roles the two children play near the end. I also think it creates further sympathy for the main character, she shows strength others didn’t as she not only accepts the change she fights against it.
I liked the fact Sophie is turned, this was a nice twist which actually makes sense and didn’t feel inserted just to shock the reader, but I would have liked the script to answer more of what this state is and how it is done. It would feel more real for Sophie to have asked more questions about how this was possible, with the added tension of being harmed in terrible unimaginable ways if she delves too deeply into questioning this.
But the biggest improvement I think can be made at the end. First a longer ending is needed. IT didn’t feel like a third act more a denouncement as things resolved themselves. Go for a more structured traditional third act of things unfolding and problems becoming life threatening near the end. Clearly you have set up things nicely in this regard with the mistress and the town.
I don't know if you've seen the movie Coralline but this movie reminded of that in some respects, that movie was good but for me but felt a bit episodic and the tone felt a little jarring mixing whimsical humour with some creepy ideas. I think your obvious consistent tone of horror/terror is kept throughout but that movie did have a pretty good third act. With the main character finding answers, revealing the true villain and finding clues and having to stop her. This is a predictable (if done poorly derivative) third act structure but you have enough original ideas to more than get away with this.
Everything I felt worked itself out far too neatly particularly with Sophie turned back without much effort required on her part, I think it would be better if Sophie did some sneaking around finding out how she herself can become human by finding out more about how she was turned and then in the end she gets an idea how to turn the mistresses powers against herself and use it to save herself.
Or even better I think a less 'happy' but more satisfying ending may be that Sophie doesn't find out how to turn herself, just little clues here and there. She stops the mistress but has to go on searching for an answer fighting other similar evils in the world which will hopefully lead her to her ‘freeing’ herself. I think this would be in keeping with the moral of most stories, to do evil act is easy and quick and long lasting, to amend or repair these acts or to live a good life is tough and require sacrifice.
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It was an easy read though at 121 pages I think trimming it by ten pages would help especially as there isn’t a huge amount of a story or events to warrant two hours plus of a light rom-com.
The first half I think is the strongest making the connections between the characters and how the two leads remain latched on to each other, most rom-com’s are usually dependant on coincidence...
It was an easy read though at 121 pages I think trimming it by ten pages would help especially as there isn’t a huge amount of a story or events to warrant two hours plus of a light rom-com.
The first half I think is the strongest making the connections between the characters and how the two leads remain latched on to each other, most rom-com’s are usually dependant on coincidence to do this so kudos for avoiding that.
But the second half suffers, in particular Abby and Ray’s relationship felt a little rushed and predictable. Langley is the most interesting character in the script and her and Ray work well as a couple. Ray and Abby seem boring in comparison and this just highlights Ray as a nice but not hugely interesting character. I also think there aren’t enough laughs in the script I can’t really remember any in the second half of the script and since you deal a lot with Ray and not really developing the romance between Ray and Langley (who we know he’ll end up with from about page ten) then I found myself losing interest. I also think things worked themselves out too nicely in the end or that there just weren’t enough obstacles to Ray and Langley being together. I think more should be made of Lily as one antagonist. Like her music career hasn’t taken off and she returns near the end to exploit his new found fame for her benefit. Langley doesn’t trust her, she isn’t as blind as Ray to her motivations. It sounds more predictable than what you did but for me your third act could be more satisfying. Like showing us a scene where Ray realises he loves Langley and not that he just doesn’t want to marry Abby.
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It starts off well enough with the introduction of Sathe but I lost interest the more I read. First there are too many characters and too many different types of character each with different abilities, Sathe, Vampryes, Lycans, The Darkness, Erebus, Muren the list just went on and on. I don't know this world as well as you do you can't just keep throwing stuff at me all the...
It starts off well enough with the introduction of Sathe but I lost interest the more I read. First there are too many characters and too many different types of character each with different abilities, Sathe, Vampryes, Lycans, The Darkness, Erebus, Muren the list just went on and on. I don't know this world as well as you do you can't just keep throwing stuff at me all the time. You have a complex world and the magic system was good up to a point, though needs to be refined. Another flaw was that a lot of the character said they were verging on godlike abilities yet some died or were defeated too easily. Simplify the story, follow the story through one character, you may do this to some extent but there was way too much exposition, show us how powerful each species is then show us the protagonist and antagonist and how powerful they are in relation to this. I much preferred Sathe to Rume even though Rume's journey was better. I think with such a complex world you should think of trilogy and with the first script just concentrate on the protagonist discovering new abilities and being sent on his path and growing up, yeah I know it would probably be copy of star wars initially but you seem to have a complex a universe as that while also being vastly different to it. I also thought you rushed the big ending a little remember where Rome was at the start and in just what two acts he has an army and defeats the King. Let him grow and learn instead of just 'knowing' how to master WillMagic(change the name). I would leave the lycans for a sequel. Maybe initially from the protagonist point of view the vampyres are the bad guys and near the end he discovers that the world is not just black and white. Make a list of every character in the script and all the different species. I bet it would be a very long list.
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