"Meandering" came to this reader's mind as he read this interesting but occasionally confusing story. In vignettes, we learn about this young man's past and present - family, girlfriends, boyfriends. Unfortunately, considering its length, we come away knowing very little because the story drifts, much like its main character drifts from scene to scene, memory to memory.
If there is a "choice" in this story, it was not seen by this reader, but perhaps that is his failing. In general, a bit over-written, with some nice descriptive moments, but very little sense of story or character movement.
Thanks for the opportunity to read it.
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fleeting panorama ... transfixed unscathed ... meandering track - all in one sentence makes for some "heavy" reading, some might even suggest it is florid
He looked at me with an expressive smile - new paragraph
nonplussed, I stood in the middle - same (also, "Nonplussed")
[you have many sentences whose first word is not capitalized -- proofread!]
sputtered out his last cusses - sputtered out his last curses
“look how all of your cousins graduated, - new paragraph
Little children who don't cry, cry the most - nice!
“So how long have you been here?” He looked at me as he put away his magazine. - need a bit more clarity about returning to the man in the train; confusing
looking at the window - Looking "at" or looking "out?"
I wondered how we looked to the solitary hawk that freely traced a trail to no end. - nice!
He looked at me, beads of sweat running down his temple - new paragraph
his grief usually concealed somewhere in his spleen - unsure as to what this means
incense whiffed in a broken smoke from an Indian burner. - awkward
and a blue top served a stand for a chrysanthemum - and a blue top served as a stand for a potted chrysanthemum
by the kitchen Island - by the kitchen island
wall that reminiscently stood as a vain citadel. - unsure as to what this means
They lived in Coos bay - They lived in Coos Bay
” She walked me around the house, - new paragraph
“I heard you don't eat pork.” Said her younger sister - “I heard you don't eat pork,” said her younger sister
It took me ten years before I put her photo on my altar shelf - whose photo? grandmother?
My stories were chronologically random and strange to each other, classified in a dark repertoire; some stood out, while others disappeared in the shadows. - in a way, this sentence describes your story and its strengths and weaknesses
The mysterious girl now turned and looked at him with a an expressive smile - new paragraph
Images shuffled from an eagle crossing the chest of the sky to a bear laying in a sweet hibernation - what does this mean?
Wander through this life
Other Reviews by bigheadx 256
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A review of Unconditionalby bigheadx on 03/12/2012This is a cute, extremely brief story with a twist that is a slight surprise. As a writing exercise, this reader admires your effort. But at the basic story level, what is so unusual about an older, unattractive man having a young, much admired dog? The repetition of reactions from strangers seem merely in place so as to "pay off" and exaggerate the twist. Even an adolescent... read -
A review of Fantasiesby bigheadx on 01/16/2012Thanks for the opportunity to read this brief and interesting short story. The writing is terse but colorful, like a light show of words as you set the reader up for the funny/shocking twist at the end of what is a fairly "stock" concept. Congratulations on a nicely executed adult fantasy tale. This reader has offered some suggestions/corrections below. ================================... read
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A review of Subsistenceby bigheadx on 01/16/2012Thanks for the opportunity to read this brief and interesting short story. The writing is terse but colorful, like a light show of words as you set the reader up for the funny/shocking twist at the end of what is a fairly "stock" concept. Congratulations on a nicely executed adult fantasy tale. This reader has offered some suggestions/corrections below. ================================... read
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