Watch your back
Thanks for the opportunity to read this brief and interesting short story. The writing is terse but colorful, like a light show of words as you set the reader up for the funny/shocking twist at the end of what is a fairly "stock" concept. Congratulations on a nicely executed adult fantasy tale.
This reader has offered some suggestions/corrections below.
================================
I catch only fragments of my friend’s conversation - no new paragraph here
but I watch her mouth move - but I watch her lips move
They are rapt in one another. - awkward; know what you intend, but unclear
Sure you ok? - Sure you're ok?
The reply isn’t instant, but at least she smiles. She says, “do I know you?” - The reply isn’t instant, but at least she smiles. She says, “Do I know you?”
She lets me down gently, "not tonight, Andy. Not tonight." - She lets me down gently, "Not tonight, Andy. Not tonight."
The ape re-enters the bar knuckles scraping the floor - The ape re-enters the bar, knuckles scraping the floor
The bounce at her chest denies any suggestion of a bra. - The bounce of her chest denies any suggestion of a bra.
“Did I do good?” Says the auburn haired desire. - “Did I do good?” says the auburn haired desire. [your spell-checker is your enemy here, I think]
“I want to fuck,” it’s the only thing I can say. - “I want to fuck,” is the only thing I can say.
Other Reviews by bigheadx
256
-
This is a cute, extremely brief story with a twist that is a slight surprise. As a writing exercise, this reader admires your effort. But at the basic story level, what is so unusual about an older, unattractive man having a young, much admired dog? The repetition of reactions from strangers seem merely in place so as to "pay off" and exaggerate the twist. Even an adolescent...
This is a cute, extremely brief story with a twist that is a slight surprise. As a writing exercise, this reader admires your effort. But at the basic story level, what is so unusual about an older, unattractive man having a young, much admired dog? The repetition of reactions from strangers seem merely in place so as to "pay off" and exaggerate the twist. Even an adolescent reader might feel manipulated.
That said, in this reader's opinion, the writing is clean, colorful, and devoid of mistakes (but, why so many semi-colons? many are inappropriate and/or unnecessary).
Nice job!
read
-
Thanks for the opportunity to read this brief and interesting short story. The writing is terse but colorful, like a light show of words as you set the reader up for the funny/shocking twist at the end of what is a fairly "stock" concept. Congratulations on a nicely executed adult fantasy tale.
This reader has offered some suggestions/corrections below.
================================...
Thanks for the opportunity to read this brief and interesting short story. The writing is terse but colorful, like a light show of words as you set the reader up for the funny/shocking twist at the end of what is a fairly "stock" concept. Congratulations on a nicely executed adult fantasy tale.
This reader has offered some suggestions/corrections below.
================================
I catch only fragments of my friend’s conversation - no new paragraph here
but I watch her mouth move - but I watch her lips move
They are rapt in one another. - awkward; know what you intend, but unclear
Sure you ok? - Sure you're ok?
The reply isn’t instant, but at least she smiles. She says, “do I know you?” - The reply isn’t instant, but at least she smiles. She says, “Do I know you?”
She lets me down gently, "not tonight, Andy. Not tonight." - She lets me down gently, "Not tonight, Andy. Not tonight."
The ape re-enters the bar knuckles scraping the floor - The ape re-enters the bar, knuckles scraping the floor
The bounce at her chest denies any suggestion of a bra. - The bounce of her chest denies any suggestion of a bra.
“Did I do good?” Says the auburn haired desire. - “Did I do good?” says the auburn haired desire. [your spell-checker is your enemy here, I think]
“I want to fuck,” it’s the only thing I can say. - “I want to fuck,” is the only thing I can say.
read
-
"Meandering" came to this reader's mind as he read this interesting but occasionally confusing story. In vignettes, we learn about this young man's past and present - family, girlfriends, boyfriends. Unfortunately, considering its length, we come away knowing very little because the story drifts, much like its main character drifts from scene to scene, memory to memory.
If...
"Meandering" came to this reader's mind as he read this interesting but occasionally confusing story. In vignettes, we learn about this young man's past and present - family, girlfriends, boyfriends. Unfortunately, considering its length, we come away knowing very little because the story drifts, much like its main character drifts from scene to scene, memory to memory.
If there is a "choice" in this story, it was not seen by this reader, but perhaps that is his failing. In general, a bit over-written, with some nice descriptive moments, but very little sense of story or character movement.
Thanks for the opportunity to read it.
==============================
fleeting panorama ... transfixed unscathed ... meandering track - all in one sentence makes for some "heavy" reading, some might even suggest it is florid
He looked at me with an expressive smile - new paragraph
nonplussed, I stood in the middle - same (also, "Nonplussed")
[you have many sentences whose first word is not capitalized -- proofread!]
sputtered out his last cusses - sputtered out his last curses
“look how all of your cousins graduated, - new paragraph
Little children who don't cry, cry the most - nice!
“So how long have you been here?” He looked at me as he put away his magazine. - need a bit more clarity about returning to the man in the train; confusing
looking at the window - Looking "at" or looking "out?"
I wondered how we looked to the solitary hawk that freely traced a trail to no end. - nice!
He looked at me, beads of sweat running down his temple - new paragraph
his grief usually concealed somewhere in his spleen - unsure as to what this means
incense whiffed in a broken smoke from an Indian burner. - awkward
and a blue top served a stand for a chrysanthemum - and a blue top served as a stand for a potted chrysanthemum
by the kitchen Island - by the kitchen island
wall that reminiscently stood as a vain citadel. - unsure as to what this means
They lived in Coos bay - They lived in Coos Bay
” She walked me around the house, - new paragraph
“I heard you don't eat pork.” Said her younger sister - “I heard you don't eat pork,” said her younger sister
It took me ten years before I put her photo on my altar shelf - whose photo? grandmother?
My stories were chronologically random and strange to each other, classified in a dark repertoire; some stood out, while others disappeared in the shadows. - in a way, this sentence describes your story and its strengths and weaknesses
The mysterious girl now turned and looked at him with a an expressive smile - new paragraph
Images shuffled from an eagle crossing the chest of the sky to a bear laying in a sweet hibernation - what does this mean?
read
+ more reviews
