Well I liked it.
This is what happens when comic books come alive. This has the unflinching entertainment value that most people with taste frown upon. I dug it. There's not a lot I can say off of one read but I do have a few notes.
Taking shots at movies you don't like might make you feel better but it does little to help your career. You really don't know who could be reading this. Maybe some assistant that worked on Inglorious Bastards and is really proud of it. Honestly the jokes aren't funny enough to make it worth it.
I wasn't sold on Lilly's test of Sid's humanity. It just wasn't a strong enough test to say "Shoot that person". It's not horrible at all, I just think a stronger test exists. Something that really proves Sid is a human being. Maybe him taking mercy on someone or something that might otherwise be a target.
Something felt really inconsistent about the tone of Victor's character. He's set-up to be this inhuman badass in the beginning and then he starts making witty retorts. Witty retorts humanizes him and make him less threatening. For some reason I think of Max Cady from Cape Fear when I think of the type of demeanor I'd like to see from Victor. That's just my opinion though. I think all great villains are Nietzchean in some way. I'd really dig hearing Victor pop off some cool philosophic babble somewhere in there. He does a little but when I think of the great Nietzchean characters like Max Cady, Kahn (from star trek) and Wolf Larsen from the Seawolf, they all have an articulate way of presenting their philosophy. I really recommend the Seawolf by Jack London as an example.
Very little setting description. This is the number 1 note I give. I guess people just don't believe in description anymore. It can be done without bogging down the read and it adds a lot to the overall experience. A couple lines in each location would be nice. This will also help bring your action to life.
Really enjoyed Sid's backstory reveal. The part where he couldn't get in to see an R rated movie. Very original.
Lilly's stepdad thing was a bit cheesy but at the same time when trying to imagine what this movie would look like it might work. I did like that Sid killed him at the end. That was cool and unexpected. I'm sure a lot of people will be horrified by it but I liked it.
Maybe a little less clever dialogue in some of the action scenes. Once in a while is cool but there were a few moments where I just couldn't buy into the idea of them stopping to exchange words.
It is hard to imagine what this movie will look like but if they can make Watchmen I suppose they can make anything. I really like that you didn't lame it up for a family audience.
Good job and good luck
Other Reviews by Jordan Anthony Thomas
26
-
Okay, there was five minutes of enjoyment. First, I laughed my ass off at the concept. It is somewhat of a fish out of water story. Second, I like drugs and sex. Third, the characters where wonderful and well defined with an edgy off-the-cuff sort of style. Fourth, the narration is smooth and well delivered. What are we on now...Fifth...lighting was solid....sixth...good sound...
Okay, there was five minutes of enjoyment. First, I laughed my ass off at the concept. It is somewhat of a fish out of water story. Second, I like drugs and sex. Third, the characters where wonderful and well defined with an edgy off-the-cuff sort of style. Fourth, the narration is smooth and well delivered. What are we on now...Fifth...lighting was solid....sixth...good sound quality. Sound is a bitch, I'm still struggling with it myself.
Right.
So, for the critique I have to say that I didn't get the last joke about it must've been viagra. Maybe I don't know enough about the side effects of viagra. Would suggest a line or two at the beginning to set-up the end. I'm sure it works if one is informed on this sort of thing, but it can't hurt to "idiot proof" the thing with a quicky V.O line.
Does feel a little Guy Ritchiesque. But, that's what I've been exposed to as far as the Brit crime genre goes...I'm sure you're sick of hearing it.
Anyway, good work. Hope you get some mileage out of this one. Anyway I can support your work let me know.
Jordan
read
-
Finally a movie about a man who has the same phobia of pregnant women as I do! It really was time to show preggos in the creepy light. Give it a low budget and get it on late night cable and you got a solid win for the writer. It is what it is and doesn't apologized for it. I love that. May it be judged as an absurdist comedy along the lines of Frankenhooker and The Toxic Avenger...
Finally a movie about a man who has the same phobia of pregnant women as I do! It really was time to show preggos in the creepy light. Give it a low budget and get it on late night cable and you got a solid win for the writer. It is what it is and doesn't apologized for it. I love that. May it be judged as an absurdist comedy along the lines of Frankenhooker and The Toxic Avenger rather than the Godfather. I read this script and feel that Joe Bob Briggs would be proud to include it in his pantheon of drive-in classics. I would encourage some nudity in future drafts. That's just me though.
Concept: I gotta give it a Good. Solid. Not many scripts out there like it. Although I did read one that was a bit similar here on the street a while back. It was more of a horror flick though. There is a freakshow quality about it that begs the curious to come take a look.
Characters: I'm tettering between average and good on this one. This is where I must grade it according to its genre rather than according to the guidelines of good taste. In that regard, I'll give it a good. Ray carries the show well as an irreverant "Sledge Hammer" type of character. Funny, I just noticed that all the stuff I've compared Death Rattle to are from the eighties. I wonder what happened to this type of campy fun? Must research this...
Dialogue: I can't give a Good on this one. Even though some lines are truely funny. A lot of the jokes don't quite seem funny enough. I recommend reading it outloud and to an audience in order to fleece out the stuff that works and the stuff that doesn't. A lot of telling instead of showing but not so much to make the script unreadable. Just something to consider in future drafts. Try to convey the info visually before turning to dialogue and try not to repeat information too many times. The Thalamus/Thalami joke got a little old.
Story: I'm hemming and hawing over how to grade this. It, like the characters are tettering on between good and average. I'm going to go with good just because I've never seen a preggo convention in a film before. This is some seriously disturbing stuff.
Structure: This is pass/fail to me. This passes. It hits its marks. The structure works for the story being told.
Okay, so the absurdist part of this comedy is allowing it to get away with a lot of stuff. It is creative though and quite disgusting. I don't know about how to market such a thing but I enjoyed the read.
Hope this review was helpful and good luck.
read
-
Always a good time reading a local script. We sure need more movies set in the Northwest. I got the feeling that the broadstrokes were there but the entire story felt very rushed. This one came in at 94 pages so there is a lot of room for growth.
Concept: Love the concept. It felt like a Stephen King story in the beginning. I was expecting Dennis to lurk in the shadows more...
Always a good time reading a local script. We sure need more movies set in the Northwest. I got the feeling that the broadstrokes were there but the entire story felt very rushed. This one came in at 94 pages so there is a lot of room for growth.
Concept: Love the concept. It felt like a Stephen King story in the beginning. I was expecting Dennis to lurk in the shadows more but was pleasantly surprised when he appeared to serve up his revenge cold.
Characters: Need to be fleshed out more. Mostly in the beginning. There is plenty of room to establish these characters in their normal worlds before throwing them into the fire of Dennis' revenge. It's great that the story gets off to a fast start but when the threat hits before we've gotten a chance to get to know the characters it falls flat. We need to care about each and everyone who dies on some level. Show us something initially that'll endear us to them. Then it becomes more powerful when they die. The fastest way to make a character likeable is to make them passionate about something or to show them being loved by someone. This establishes their worth to the audience.
Roxie is very obvious and that's a problem. I my opinion the script would be better served with her playing the part of the supportive wife throughout the script and then be revealed as the femme fatale at the end. This will also eliminate the question of, "Why is Kyle with this bitch?" Which honestly I can't see as is.
I like Dennis. Revenge is a dish best served cold and he puts his former buddies in a heap of shit. I would like to know more about his journey from the lake to prominence though. Also the question of "Why now?" should be addressed.
Dialogue: Pretty rough. Not a lot of subtext here and plenty of telling through dialogue what should be shown through visuals. I'm pretty sure this is an early draft and I've read some good dialogue in Northern Burritos so I'm not too worried about it. I think it's a mistake to spend too much time on dialogue in the beginning of a script anyway since a lot of it winds up getting cut.
Story: Rushed, but the basic strokes are there. I can see how this could develope into a fun story. The flashbacks are a bit much but I can see how they might be nessecary in this movie. There are a lot of ways to tell a story and the way the information is doled out goes a long way in achieving the desired effect. I say, try to stay away from the flashbacks. I would consider opening the movie with them as kids and establishing their characters rather than flashing back. This is about suspense, so a build-up is crucial.
Structure: This is a pass fail category for me. This passes.
I think it's great that the terms U-Dub and Wazzu are used, but will people not from the Northwest understand what they mean? Maybe a line or two to clarify.
I enjoyed this quick and easy read and hope this review might be of some help. Good luck with this in the future.
Jordan
read
+ more reviews
