Well written. Good pacing.
Lost House is a well written tale of backstabbing, greed, and redemption. I enjoyed reading it. The story rolled along with good pacing and sustained my interest despite the turbulent cross country flight I was on.
I would have liked ot have known a little more about the device that Cole and Will developed, but it was not essential to the plot. You could have revealed more about it without naming it however. Hint that it is powerful, dangerous, or valuable in a stronger manner. I did not understand how Cole knew so much about Frank when the two were together. I assume Cole researched the scheme before launching it, but that exchange (with Frank's dark past) seemed forced to me. The biggest problem I had with the overall script was the ending. The payoff for all this build-up was something of a letdown. From the time Will mets Jeffery to the end was not as solid as the begining. Will breaking his arm. The lighter thing. Will and Cecilla's reunion "Hello Cowboy.", etc. Also, David was not involved at all and I really wanted to see him have his moment to shine. The only other thing that comes to mind was the dialogue. Most of it was strong. The characters all have unique voices and are all well defined through their words and actions. I do recomend however cutting some words. There are numerous long patches of dialogue. Take another look at any dialogue over 20-25 words to make sure every word and sentence are needed. One example is on p.86. Jeffrey has a long rant about the 8th level of hell. It is too wordy. If he has one of these it might work, but he has several. Cut out the redundant lines while leaving enough to get the point accross. I see LH was nominated for SOM. Congrats and good luck with the re-writes! Now I can let myself read the Script Shark coverage!
Other Reviews by jiggson
64
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This was a well written screenplay with few typos or formatting errors. The characters all had clear voices and I could easily follow the plot and story. The one element of the structure that could use some work is the use of Voice Over. Voice Over is a difficult thing to pull off successfully and it does not work in this script.
The short segment at the beginning between...
This was a well written screenplay with few typos or formatting errors. The characters all had clear voices and I could easily follow the plot and story. The one element of the structure that could use some work is the use of Voice Over. Voice Over is a difficult thing to pull off successfully and it does not work in this script.
The short segment at the beginning between Keegan and the principal is weak and not needed. It give no special insight into who Keegan is that we do not get in the opening scenes with him interacting with is coworkers. Neither scene, school or opening with co-workers, paint Keegan as anyone interesting.
Keegan is a very problematic lead. He is instantly unlikeable and there are few redeeming qualities in him to drive the readers interest in his motivations or the outcome. I never understood why anyone why Frankie would help him in his plans to win over a woman or why any of the other characters would risk themselves to support his schemes.
This might work better as a sitcom where Keegan's character could be more fully explored and the qualities in him that other people find attractive could be seen by the viewer/reader.
He reminds me somewhat of Sheldon from Big Bang Theory except Keegan has never accomplished anything. In fact, there is not a ton of evidence to support his being a genius, other than him stating it over and over. Sheldon (Big Bang Theory) is an unlikable character as well, but the show goes out of its way to occasionally show the audience why he is likable.
One other note is that the dialogue is a bit wordy at times and could be trimmed down to help speed up the pace of the script.
The tone and the pace could both be addressed in subsequent drafts.
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School for the Blind was well written and clear. The formatting was correct for the most part. There were a couple of places where dialogue was in the Action section and vice versa. These are easily correctable. The characters had different personalities and voices and the screenplay was an easy read.
I did have a hard time telling if this was meant to be a comedy or a...
School for the Blind was well written and clear. The formatting was correct for the most part. There were a couple of places where dialogue was in the Action section and vice versa. These are easily correctable. The characters had different personalities and voices and the screenplay was an easy read.
I did have a hard time telling if this was meant to be a comedy or a dramatic story with comedic elements? A story like this really requires the audience to be on board with the protagonist, but the opening scene concerns a suicide attempt that our protagonist instigated. What Denise is revealed to have done in the opening pages make her a very problematic protagonist. She shows no true remorse for her action and immediately I was not rooting for her.
This is also how the screenplay ends with Dr. Abbey in a middle school where he can prey on more (and younger) students. These two points illustrate the tonal issues I had with the story and with our protagonist.
The school that is at the center of the story belongs in a much lighter and funnier story because it is silly and over the top. The horrible ways characters treat each other are much to dark for this backdrop in my opinion.
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The Girl of Givet was an easy enough read and the time period, though used often, still has plenty of potential for compelling stories. I did feel that it should have focused more on Adeline and her story, given the title.
This is a hard screenplay for me to review for some reason, so I am just going to list out some of the areas I felt could use some improvement.
Opening...
The Girl of Givet was an easy enough read and the time period, though used often, still has plenty of potential for compelling stories. I did feel that it should have focused more on Adeline and her story, given the title.
This is a hard screenplay for me to review for some reason, so I am just going to list out some of the areas I felt could use some improvement.
Opening scene isn't needed. It is all exposition and is conveyed better elsewhere in the story.
The scene immediately following the exposition in the opening scene is never given context. It feels like something we should be building towards throughout the backstory/time jumping, but it is not. You have the biggest set piece in the screenplay in the second scene and it has no consequence to your story.
There are way too many "Super" inserts for date and many like "the next day", or "Half an hour into Fournier’s interrogation", or "approaching the Carmelite cloister, June, 1942.", or "the next morning" etc. are not really how Supers are used. At least they do not feel effective here.
Switching back and forth between Paul Olivier and Fournier is distracting and not needed.
I didn't understand the struggle at teh heart of the screenplay. There is never a good reason given for Adeline being kept in the dark and at arms read from Paul Olivier. Maybe when she first arrives, but once she is in the Resistance and the Old Belgian and the Prior are working with here, you would think they would trust here enough to know about the hidden artists (Oscar and Horst).
The stakes are never quite high enough, which is odd considering the setting. There is opportunity to add real drama and danger to this story, especially with Huber, but he is more of a blowhard, than a danger, and when he is finally defeated, it is quite easily done.
The story as a whole needs to be narrowed and focused.
Who is the girl from Givet?
What does she want?
What is stopping her from getting it?
How is she going to overcome that obstacle?
I did think the writing was clear and concise. I was able to follow the action and the story, which is good considering this is a non-linear story at times. the characters were pretty well drawn and each had their own personality. The setting was vivid and I could visualize the world in which the story was set.
I wish you the best of luck with it and I hope story continues to evolve and improve.
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