Westerns Aren't Dead
This was a quick and easy read with some good albeit cliched characters and situations. It's single biggest flaw is the dialogue. The characters tend to state the obvious way too often. You need to sit back and leave more to the imaginations of the readers. I would recommend another rewrite with the intention of cutting most of the dialogue out. I would also recommend adding more action, the breakout of Papagayo for instance. Another thought would be to let Gallina live and develop a love interest between her and Billy. Overall, the script was relatively error free. I only caught a few mistakes. FYI - taught/taut (page 23), pull/pulls (page 73), and wick/fuse (page 74). All in all, with some work, this could be a pretty entertaining western. Good luck with it.
Other Reviews by vancemi
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This was a nice easy read with few technical quirks, an interesting premise, and a good pace. I have to admit that I'm not a fan of golf, so I have to take your word for the aspects of the game that were portrayed. My single biggest suggestion would be to sharpen the dialogue, avoid exposition and redundancies. There weren't a lot, but things will flow more smoothly and naturally...
This was a nice easy read with few technical quirks, an interesting premise, and a good pace. I have to admit that I'm not a fan of golf, so I have to take your word for the aspects of the game that were portrayed. My single biggest suggestion would be to sharpen the dialogue, avoid exposition and redundancies. There weren't a lot, but things will flow more smoothly and naturally without them. A lot seems to depend on Evers not buying Charlie's story about the kidnapping. You may want to give him more reason to doubt it. As it stands, he seemed pretty incompetent, which takes away a little from the script's believability. Killing off your main character with so much time left was a gutsy move and a little disturbing, but entirely essential to the twists you had in store. Take another careful read through from start to finish. There are numerous minor typos - mostly wrong word usages like hear/here, your/you're, I/is. Overall, this is a good effort with a lot of potential. Best of luck with it.
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This SP reads like a country song. I'm not a fan of the music, but I do like a good down on your luck, left by the wife, bit by the dog kind of story now and then. This one is well crafted with a lot of depth of character. Like country music, I'll bet this could have an audience. A few notes: I found myself deeply involved with even the minor players. I was surprised that Joe...
This SP reads like a country song. I'm not a fan of the music, but I do like a good down on your luck, left by the wife, bit by the dog kind of story now and then. This one is well crafted with a lot of depth of character. Like country music, I'll bet this could have an audience. A few notes: I found myself deeply involved with even the minor players. I was surprised that Joe turned out to be one of my favorites. In the beginning, scenes jump quickly from one to another with little transition. You don't begin sentences with capitals after slug lines. Is this some new convention I missed out on? Is it a format conversion quirk? There were a number of instances where feelings and other nonobservables were related in action lines. The scene where Missie crosses against the tide into Mexico should play well. Conversely, Jordan's slap may play very badly. I'd recommend he push her away with words instead. "You always held me back" kind of thing. There are numerous typos that need ferreting out. The showdown with White Lightning was classic. Afterward, Jordan looking for Missie would have been been more satisfying with Crystal interfering. I enjoyed this. Good luck with it.
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I started this read with some high hopes. I enjoy a good vampire flick now and again. Both the logline and title seemed inviting as well. Unfortunately, it bogs down in expository dialogue and cliches. The promise is certainly there, but it will need some work. I would begin with the dialogue. There are wat too many places where characters tell each other things they should...
I started this read with some high hopes. I enjoy a good vampire flick now and again. Both the logline and title seemed inviting as well. Unfortunately, it bogs down in expository dialogue and cliches. The promise is certainly there, but it will need some work. I would begin with the dialogue. There are wat too many places where characters tell each other things they should already know. Try a subtler touch. The vampires hit just about every cliche in the book, especially prior to the assault. I can see audiences laughing during these scenes and I doubt that's the reaction you were shooting for. Things do improve some once the action gets rolling. I would eliminate all of those early scenes where the vampires are essentially calling their shots and let it unfold on the screen. The kids worked well. They were funny, likeable, and reasonably believeable. I liked Jared and Sara the most. As I said, the promise is here, but it isn't yet realized. I recommend focusing on this SP before you move on to the rest of your trilogy. Best of luck.
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