What Are You Doing Here?
Great timing, great story, excellent dialogue. Why are you putting this perfect story here and not out somewhere like a book maybe? :)
I read the synopsis, but even that you cleverly worded so as not to give the story away.
You maintained a very good pace through the story, building the tension, feeding the reader little nuggets to foreshadow later events.
I really don't know what to tell you about this story in terms of a constructive review. You demonstrate all the qualities I admire in a writer -- great timing, great sense of irony, great grammar and word choices. I guess a suggestion would be to seek publication for this.
Excellent job. Very inspiring! Thanks for sharing this!
Other Reviews by TMOwen
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I love this. Thank you. You have a very different story concept here and you develop it brilliantly. This was a very enjoyable read.
As far as the story-telling goes, I have no feedback other than to suggest you get this published.
I did find a few little typos and word choices that I thought I'd pass on to you.
Page 2 and 3 -- you use the word ingot, and I'm not sure...
I love this. Thank you. You have a very different story concept here and you develop it brilliantly. This was a very enjoyable read.
As far as the story-telling goes, I have no feedback other than to suggest you get this published.
I did find a few little typos and word choices that I thought I'd pass on to you.
Page 2 and 3 -- you use the word ingot, and I'm not sure if that is the word you mean?
page 7 -- artist's canvass s/b canvas.
page 9 has a line break after Indian, I saw this happen in a couple of other places also. Probably due to copying and pasting or something.
page 13 -- holly should be holy.
And, my favorite line was on page 8. "...no source of chance alone could have possibly burped us up." I just love that.
Great concept, very unique. Nicely executed!
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What a fun read! Your writing style is very tight and concise. Great word choice, great flow. I now want a pet rat.
That said, here are a few areas that could use a little work. These are minor, nit-picky things and shouldn't detract from what a fun story this is.
Page 10: in in the middle of his room. . (redundant "in" and redundant . )
Page 24: "dandling" s/b "dangling"...
What a fun read! Your writing style is very tight and concise. Great word choice, great flow. I now want a pet rat.
That said, here are a few areas that could use a little work. These are minor, nit-picky things and shouldn't detract from what a fun story this is.
Page 10: in in the middle of his room. . (redundant "in" and redundant . )
Page 24: "dandling" s/b "dangling"
Also, a brief description of "mirror writing" would be helpful for non-spy-types such as myself.
Page 34: in this section it is indicated that Ben's family knows the rat trainer, but that could've been supported a little better when Ben described the purchase. I was surprised to learn it here.
Page 72: this room had no carpet. . (remove a period)
Page 75: "where is it" he demanded. Who? I wasn't sure.
Page 76: "supported house" s/b "supported the house"
Page 170: "is that a code, she asked?" s/b "is that a code?" she asked.
I also longed for them to be some resolution about Timmy's parents but this never was addressed in the end.
Thanks for sharing. It was a far-fetched but fun read.
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Thank you for sharing this short story.
First, some general observations, then I'll offer details.
You have a fine voice and expansive vocabulary. Your writing style is descriptive. You made it possible to feel compassion for the main character in spite of his questionable decisions that lead to his daughter's death.
You use the word "had" a lot and it is not necessary...
Thank you for sharing this short story.
First, some general observations, then I'll offer details.
You have a fine voice and expansive vocabulary. Your writing style is descriptive. You made it possible to feel compassion for the main character in spite of his questionable decisions that lead to his daughter's death.
You use the word "had" a lot and it is not necessary. In many cases you could remove "had."
You also have some lengthy sentences. To keep the reader's attention, try tightening these up either by breaking them up or shortening them.
On page 3 you use the word "reunification" and I think you mean reunion.
You also refer to the Dr. Dre lines of "That same song" but don't give us the name of the song until after the reference. This is confusing for the reader.
You use "towards" throughout the story, should be "toward."
Page 13 -- "wriggled her away free" and I think you mean "wriggled her way free"
Page 14 -- "she hugged him them," s/b then.
I liked how your story at the end began to flip between the scene of their accident and the current scene. That worked well.
With some attention to the run-on sentences and word choice in some places, this can be a fine story.
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