Review of: Young & Unemployed in NYC
reviewed by atlhalfjap on 09/08/2004
Where to start?
Ok, first of all, this reads like a noel, I don't want or need to know that Mark is from Queens, it superfulous. If you feel it's needed sneak it in somehow. How would a camera show that he's from there? Sluglines have NO months in them. You have taken copyrighted lyrics and put them into your SP. Do you have the rights? I bet not. There's too much camera direction. Your dialogue is way too formal and stilted for a 23 year old. During your love scene, HOW would a camerashow the age of her breasts? Would you have a supe impose that said "these are 22"? Cut stuff like that OUT! In the scene with the kid, "mark looks insulted" is NOT a wrylie, its and action. "Gay but likeable", What? Are all gay people un likeable? The exchange between Bronan abd Cariie makes NO sense. Also, why are we shown scenes of Mark's dad and Bronan playinf golf? How does that further the story? I found no character arc here, or even a downward spiral. He's the same loser at the end of the Sp as he was at the first page Who wants to see that in a movie? There's been NO gorwth, nothing to capture my interest in this guy.
Other Reviews by atlhalfjap 49
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A review of Labor's Dayby atlhalfjap on 09/09/2011While it is obvious that you love your Mother and your Father and the story was neatly tied up with "Pete" being a union man throughout I couldn't love this story as written. I was a bit jarred when you switched from the first person to the third, going from "my father" to "Pete" was noticeable and pulled me out of your story. Please remember that while YOU know who "Pete"... read
A review of The New Thirtyby atlhalfjap on 07/13/2005I thought this was well done over all. It was a fast read and I was charmed by Micheal although I wasn't surprised by his actions. Evelyn makes for a sympahteic character but I was a bit put off that she MIGHT have slept with Conrad. Having her sink to Micheal's level didn't seem in line with her character. Your charcters are distinct and the dialogue is snappy. You asked... read