Where's the light switch? This one's dark, dark, dark.
Boy! This is one of those stories that you try so hard to hate, but something inside you, something dark and beyond your control, just won't let you. Fiction is only a mere reflection of truth, eh?
You certainly know how to ilicite an emotional response, for good or ill, yet I find myself highly appreciative of the straight up balls it must have taken to write something this dark. This story is as provocative as it is excruciating. In that this response was, I think, your intention, kudos to you.
Technically, watch out for fluctuating tenses. You tended to vascilate back and forth between past and present incorrectly. Also, there doesn't seem to be any standardized structure to the writing, except for what you seem to have invented. Even still, though, this one is an easy story to read (technically, of course - not thematically) and moved along at a rapid clip. I'm glad I read this one, though I wish I hadn't. Thanks for offering me today's moment of perfect dichotomy. Fun stuff.
Other Reviews by nick74
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What's up, Hinge!
This is an excellent story. A beautiful, fresh concept. Seeable characters. Good motion. Very creative descriptions. A well written homage to the likes of Serenity, Solaris, Gattaca and a little known Star Trek episode called "In the Blink of an Eye" in which the crew of the Enterprise encounter an uninhabited civilization that wasn't uninhabited at all ---...
What's up, Hinge!
This is an excellent story. A beautiful, fresh concept. Seeable characters. Good motion. Very creative descriptions. A well written homage to the likes of Serenity, Solaris, Gattaca and a little known Star Trek episode called "In the Blink of an Eye" in which the crew of the Enterprise encounter an uninhabited civilization that wasn't uninhabited at all --- it just so happened that they existed in a different time context and moved around faster than human eyes could perceive. Needless to say, manifest Destiny has a titillating concept at its core. A real thrill to read, and as we need some good, high-concept sci-fi, this one will be a fantastic addition to our 13 anthology!
One observation: As the story opened, characters got introduce then developed, I felt like Dimas was the intended protag. His views aligned most with an audience in that he was a conscientious sort, while the other characters displayed greed and disloyalty --- not that these are bad things in a character. But as the story progressed Dimas' insanity pulled him away from me, the reader, until toward the end I was a little confused as to whom I should root for. I think if the fact that the Nirvans becoming this "soul song" had a more beautiful and heavenly slant to it, we would agree with Dimas' decisions a little more thereby viewing him as heroic in his actions.
But that aside, I absolutely thrilled over the ship's interior descriptions, the Nirvan city, the landscape and environment, etc. Dimas' journey through Raph's journal was absolutely gripping and as the climax came upon me I might have gasped audibly.
Technically, theres nothing to mention --- all the I's are dotted and the T's are crossed. Your descriptive language is absolutely gorgeous bringing up visions of color and shade brilliantly. I felt there was a tendency to overuse adjectives here or there, but certainly not often enough to weigh the story down.
having been raised on Star Wars, weened on Star Trek, lover of all things (or most things) science fiction, you hit a real nerve (or should I say Nirvan) with me. Really good stuff, man.
Nick
Don't even tell me your not a fan of Ian Douglas(?)
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The theme of life beyond the grave returning in dream to throw hints and clues at the living about a future murder is enticing. It’s a bit dark and creepy, and plays out well on an audience’s imagination, enough so to plot a movie around. Underneath all that is another theme that I particularly liked about the shameful underprivileged struggling to rise through scurrilous means...
The theme of life beyond the grave returning in dream to throw hints and clues at the living about a future murder is enticing. It’s a bit dark and creepy, and plays out well on an audience’s imagination, enough so to plot a movie around. Underneath all that is another theme that I particularly liked about the shameful underprivileged struggling to rise through scurrilous means to create an identity of fame and popularity for themselves at any cost. It makes for a great thriller.
That said, there are a number of issues with this screenplay that bog its current draft way down, until each page becomes a work of ever-deepening contrivance. First, concentrate on the dialog. As the plot moves forward each scene becomes a reckless concoction of “he said” and “she said” turning these characters into fairly frivolous serial soap stars. It’s not an easy fix, but the solution is pretty clear. Be creative with your messaging. Instead of populating these conversations with rumor-spreading talking heads, just get down to the point of each scene and give us that. One good way to do this is by dropping us right down in the middle of the conversations, and starting the scene there. Here’s an example, just a suggestion:
Pg. 83 EXT. Zilker Park - DAY
Jeff and Matt toss a ball back and forth. Their velocity grows with their animosity.
Matt: Maybe you misunderstood.
Jeff: I don’t think so. I heard what I heard..
Matt: You were spying on her.
Jeff: Well, I don’t think she’s some big shot. More like a secretary or something.
Matt: She’s not a liar, Jeff. And she happens to love me!
Jeff dodges the throw.
Jeff: Okay.
Matt: Look, I gotta go.
End of scene. This formula gives the dramatic element a more organic, less contrived quality to their words and keeps the ball rolling at a higher clip. Also, it avoids repetition. On several occasions, what we see happening to Jeff, Jeff repeats in detail to Matt. Also, Lisa recounts scene after scene to Jill and Matt. Let the action element in the script set up the context, not the dialog.
And watch for unoriginal or contrived characterization. The Desk Sergeant and the pretentious mother at the end were wholly unbelievable characters jammed into the script simply for creating effect, and at those points you’ll lose a professional reader. I would say the same for Shirley, too, who was a little too typical --- a Jamaican house maid who came from seemingly out of nowhere and served as the story’s “mysterious, soothe-saying witch with a heart of gold.”
I can tell you’ve either taken classes or self-taught on “how” to write a screenplay. Your technique is very strong and each page is easy on the eyes. Good format. Nice use of the “script elements”. Very few typos and misused punctuation.
At its core Starry Night is a solid thrill ride that possesses all the necessary elements to entice a post-modern social culture with it class differences and Hollywood uppers. Keep hacking away at it to tighten up the dialog and some small thematic elements and you’ll have a winner.
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Hey John, it's a pleasure to read another one of your stories. This one tells a tale of bullying and punkish behavior back in the pre-cyber bullying era when punks were face-to-fist types and the grit of youth was a far more direct thing. And it does it well, but I have to admit I was left scratching my head the tinniest bit after this one. But there are a few things I can...
Hey John, it's a pleasure to read another one of your stories. This one tells a tale of bullying and punkish behavior back in the pre-cyber bullying era when punks were face-to-fist types and the grit of youth was a far more direct thing. And it does it well, but I have to admit I was left scratching my head the tinniest bit after this one. But there are a few things I can see that might give the story some more blood and guts, if you will.
First, I noticed that the entire piece was written without a perspective. Whose story is this? Obviously it's meant to be Eric Coins's story, but I never felt a part of him. The character is described to me but I don't know what his thoughts and feelings are on the matter. Dive a bit more into Eric as a person and let him show me what happens to him. I think this also might "juicy" up the writing a little more. I know your a proponent of showing, not telling, but as the story is, I feel like an omniscient narrator "told" me about the characters and events in the story --- almost like an english teacher telling the class what the Scarlet Letter is about. I want to be pulled in a little more.
With your other work (of which 2 I've read) you introduced a theme in the story almost as if to say "This is what happens, BUT this is what the story is really about..." No Not Nice never fully did that for me. I didn't learn anything I didn't already know from it. It went from point A to point B to point C without anything connecting the dots underneath the words. Make Eric learn something from his experiences other than bullies are mean people. Maybe he discovers that security is a self-imposed virtue, or maybe he realizes that it's better to be "retarded" than mean. This might also give the ending more of a message.
As it is with all your stuff, it's a clean piece technically. The ideas are expressed succinctly, all the i's are dotted, t's crossed making for an easy read that doesn't require any back tracking. I was never confused and every sentence propelled it forward at a good, solid clip.
It's a good read and it's obviously in the right hands. With a little added fiber it could be a great throw-back story a-la Stephen King's Carrie or even one of the old cult classic 80s teen flicks.
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