Words...
...and lots of them.
I feel like I knew where you were going with this story, but I don't think you got there. You drowned the story in description, and while it's apparent this was deliberate it ended up drowning the reader. In some cases, it just became confusing.
There was plenty of time spent on Al, the job, cruising to the triangle, the limo, but little actual interaction with Candace. Max talks about how lonely he gets waiting for the next job, but then becomes somewhat degrading to the prostitute. It's a difficult juxtaposition. Plus, I'm not sure how the four and a half hour wait gets filled by a half hour of driving Candace around. I never felt the connection with Max, and never got a feeling for what his ultimate intent was for having Candace in the car.
Getting to the language, I suggest a reread to see how the words hit the reader. It starts with the first sentence:
"From the backseat of Number 18 I watched the smoke trace the plane of dim sunlight shearing through the inch of window I’d opened when I lit the joint."
It's clunky and hard to follow. I had to read it three times to get the sense of it. For the first sentence, it makes for a long read.
I don't think the piece succeeds, I'm sorry to say. If there are future drafts, I'm always willing to read more. Keep writing.
Other Reviews by krtshadow
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My assumption is that the author intends the piece to be relatively meandering, and not to wrap up neatly. However, I find myself wondering what the overall point of the piece is.
We meet Nathan at the 'end' of his journey, and we are taken back to the beginning, so to speak. What the author does (I think) is try to conjure some sympathy for poor, exiled Nathan. I found...
My assumption is that the author intends the piece to be relatively meandering, and not to wrap up neatly. However, I find myself wondering what the overall point of the piece is.
We meet Nathan at the 'end' of his journey, and we are taken back to the beginning, so to speak. What the author does (I think) is try to conjure some sympathy for poor, exiled Nathan. I found this hard to do, as it was beyond me to imagine his motivations, and then be able to cover up the scenario.
The piece is technically okay, there are some word usages that need to be corrected ('Now that I was out of everyone’s site', should be sight) but otherwise not bad.
The introduction of the other adult characters feels unfinished. The story could probably be longer to fill out the character.
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It took a little while to get into your story. The first sentence wasn't promising. I would have liked the story to start with the actual dialogue. It immediately puts the reader into the scene with Tessie and Elaine.
Moving into the story, it takes a while to become engaged with the story. The first scene between Arnold and Tessie doesn't feel very natural. While it's...
It took a little while to get into your story. The first sentence wasn't promising. I would have liked the story to start with the actual dialogue. It immediately puts the reader into the scene with Tessie and Elaine.
Moving into the story, it takes a while to become engaged with the story. The first scene between Arnold and Tessie doesn't feel very natural. While it's not completely unreasonable for a married couple to still be using condoms after three years, it's not likely. There'd be another form of birth control.
So goes the same with Arnold's meeting Elyce. It feels stilted, awkward. Her first paragraph of monologue should be lengthened and separated over paragraphs. Make her talk over her awkwardness.
Once the story starts to pick up steam it smoothes out. Hutch is pretty one-note, and I'd like to read more about Dick and Elaine, but Tess becomes far more interesting. Her journey of lust into anger is pretty engaging. Arnold and Elyce falling for each other is a good read, but I think Elyce's guilt might be a little extreme. That's an author's choice though, and I won't argue it.
I also think that Arnold and Elyce are built just a bit too nice. Tess has character flaws abounding, must Arnold be such a white knight throughout the story? The Arnold/Elyce attraction theme has plenty of meoments that can be enriched by detail, but the story rarely lingers on them. For instance, the lunch at the diner, I was hoping there'd be a really detailed description of Elyce's smile, and why it floored Arnold.
The ending, with its turns, is pretty fun. I kept trying to guess up til the end how it would go down, and in the end it was satisfying.
A good work, I look forward to future drafts.
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It's been a while, bear with me. First, I'm going to go into the substance of the story. The second part will be about writing and construction.
'The Lucky Necklace' as an idea is...pretty good. For young adult fiction it basically works, but lacks the punch and detail to really drive the lesson home.
The first part of the story shows Rebecca's life as one being constantly...
It's been a while, bear with me. First, I'm going to go into the substance of the story. The second part will be about writing and construction.
'The Lucky Necklace' as an idea is...pretty good. For young adult fiction it basically works, but lacks the punch and detail to really drive the lesson home.
The first part of the story shows Rebecca's life as one being constantly overlooked and undervalued, even as the second half shows that she comes from a family of means. I like the juxtaposition to a point. I have a hard tiime swallowing the parents. It seems as if they're almost intentionally ignoring their daughter. The young adult fiction I've always enjoyed has shown the main character to feel ignored, but not really be by any conscious design. (I'm also having trouble with the rich family buying the kid stuff from MegaSave Mart. Or sending your daughter out of the house without a jacket.) I'd really like to read the active moments, not get the reportage that Mom braided hair roughly.
Apologizing to her friend Tommy felt pretty trite, and her new found friendship with Susan came off too quick. She didn't have to give anything up to become Susan's friend, there wasno stake in the friendship. Did Tommy have to win at the game he hated to finally feel respected? What if he won a battle of wits that left Walker embarrassed?
I'd also like to see a struggle to be charitable with the candies. I'd think they'd be pretty difficult to give up, and just handing them out to folks once again felt more reported than experienced.
On the subject of magic candies, Smothers needs more filling in or a severe cutting down. As it stands, there's just enough detail for him to derail you from the main story without being enough to sink your teeth into.
I don't want you to think I didn't care for the story. I enjoyed it quite a bit, and blasted through it in one sitting. The story, as I read it, is about a girl who comes from means but can't see it until she's forced to experience what others' lives are like. I'd like to see it as a fuller story, with Rebecca being more involved in it.
Now the second part has to do with some of the sentence structure, word usage, blah blah blah...
Indent your paragraphs. It is a far easier read visually when a new paragraph is actually indented. I hate that I can't do it here, but such is the nature of the internet.
I suggest you read this piece aloud, and adjust the flow. This piece is chock full of adverbs and adjectives that are unnecessary, if not distracting. Also, watch for your similes. Just because your target audience is young adult it isn't an excuse to make them on the nose.
I've pasted a few excerpts from your story that had moments I felt needed fixing or helped illustrate some of these points. I've added notes where I thought they might help. In closing, you've got a really interesting idea, and I'd love to read the next version. Keep writing.
'but he was about as sharp as a box of unsharpened pencils.' Can't he just have been cute enough, but not very sharp?
'looking futility around the room'
'Mike looked over at them and caught Rebecca’s adoring gaze.' Who's Mike? He hasn't been introduced at all.
'dressed to the nine’s' No apostrophe.
'“You wonder what what’s like?” Rebecca responded.
“Living a perfect life.”
Rebecca ate her cardboard food silently. She wondered too.' Simple. To the point. Perfect.
'“Oh shut up!” Rebecca snapped. Anise’s face fell. “You’ve been a brat all day!” Anise said and stood up, “To think I let my ears freeze for you!” She stormed from the store. Rebecca watched
her go sullenly.' Only one speaker in a paragraph.
'tightly shut would be to be
struck blind, the music so loud that to hear it would be to be struck deaf.'
'Tommy lived on the opposite side of the school from Rebecca and she wanted to intercept him
before he got to school.'
'“I’m working on a album.”'
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