...and lots of them.
I feel like I knew where you were going with this story, but I don't think you got there. You drowned the story in description, and while it's apparent this was deliberate it ended up drowning the reader. In some cases, it just became confusing.
There was plenty of time spent on Al, the job, cruising to the triangle, the limo, but little actual interaction with Candace. Max talks about how lonely he gets waiting for the next job, but then becomes somewhat degrading to the prostitute. It's a difficult juxtaposition. Plus, I'm not sure how the four and a half hour wait gets filled by a half hour of driving Candace around. I never felt the connection with Max, and never got a feeling for what his ultimate intent was for having Candace in the car.
Getting to the language, I suggest a reread to see how the words hit the reader. It starts with the first sentence:
"From the backseat of Number 18 I watched the smoke trace the plane of dim sunlight shearing through the inch of window I’d opened when I lit the joint."
It's clunky and hard to follow. I had to read it three times to get the sense of it. For the first sentence, it makes for a long read.
I don't think the piece succeeds, I'm sorry to say. If there are future drafts, I'm always willing to read more. Keep writing.
Review of: The Car and Candice
reviewed by krtshadow on 12/17/2009
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