Would you kindly… review this script?
Wow, I really don’t know how to review this. Part of me is fascinated by this script, the other half is utterly confused.
I loved the setting. It reminded me of the city of Rapture from the Bioshock games. A unique society slowly driven mad by the same thing that makes them unique. More importantly, the concept of the purple gas and the people choosing to live there made some of the craziness of the story less, er, crazy.
You are a good writer and extremely imaginative. I felt you had full control through this house of mirrors, which was good thing. Dialogue was well done. Made it feel like a 50’s noir-ish film.
I loved the various scenarios about the theory of who placed the gas in the first place, each ending with “Fire”.
One thing that must be done: Formatting. I was very confused as this script seemed to move effortlessly back in forth between reality, flashbacks, and (maybe) fantasy. I was unsure when Rodger and Will were seemingly dead, yet still talking, if they were really still alive, or were figments of Jules (or someone else’s) imagination. Later it’s revealed that Rodger isn’t dead (I think), but then I wonder how he could have sustained all that damage, and yet not be dead.
Again, the way Orange Island was presented made the story more believable. I slowly settled into the way everything worked in the story. One thing I didn’t understand was if it was so easy to kill someone by souplining them, why even go through the elaborate scheme to set up the suspects? Why didn’t Updike’s people just toss Rodger outside? Or better yet, gas him in his own home to make the yellow gas seem ineffective, thus accomplishing their goal?
The ending, while funny and unexpected pushed this script (which already walked a fine line of the absurd) over the edge. I would have bought the rabbit conspiracy, but the double conspiracy with Casabianca (and his masks) and final confrontation between a suddenly alive Rodger and Jules would have been well past the point when the General in Monty Python would have ended the movie for being “too silly”. Maybe if you moved Updike’s reveal until after Rodger is dead (again). I just feel you had control of the madness that was your script until the end where it quit being clever, and just became weird.
Anyway, critiquing this and offering story suggestions is like trying to make a Picasso look like a Norma Rockwell. It’s not what you intended and it would ruin the insanely fascinating script I had the pleasure of reading. Work on the ending and someone may take a chance on this.
Other Reviews by iceeis
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I read an earlier version of this script a few months ago. It is certainly much improved from that draft. A lot of the situations seem a bit more natural, and you’re doing a better job of explaining why Aaron continues to cross-dress. That said, I still have a few concerns, many of which I mentioned in my previous review.
The premise is good for a romantic comedy. Sure, there...
I read an earlier version of this script a few months ago. It is certainly much improved from that draft. A lot of the situations seem a bit more natural, and you’re doing a better job of explaining why Aaron continues to cross-dress. That said, I still have a few concerns, many of which I mentioned in my previous review.
The premise is good for a romantic comedy. Sure, there has been cross dressing movies before, but this one tries to use the premise as a positive goal of understanding women, not to fool others.
Dialogue was good as well. There are still a few long winded speeches, but it’s been toned down from the previous version.
The story tended to, er, drag, in the middle. I found the numerous scenes in the ladies clothing store kind of boring. I’d like to see more creative/visual ways for Aaron/Erin to discover things about women instead of spending the whole time chatting with them. Things like Candy hooking up with Shane. You showed Shane being a jerk and Candy falling for him. I think the other reason was 120 pages is too long for a comedy.
I did enjoy the ending more. I don’t think the final Aaron/Megan confrontation is as powerful/explosive as it needs to be, but I was satisfied with Aaron hitting it off with Tracy at the end.
Most of the concerns I had were the same as the last version:
We need to see Aaron more as himself in the beginning and ease into “Erin”. Then as the story progresses, we see more of Erin and less of Aaron. You need to do this because it sets up the differences between the two, and thus comedy ensues. In my opinion, Aaron spends way too much time as Erin, and honestly doesn’t seem to act any different while disguised as her.
I still don’t see a compelling reason for Aaron to cross dress in the first place. He already seemed kind of effeminate to begin with, and already had the “best friend” symptom. He already was a confidant with girls, it didn’t seem like he needed to disguise himself to hear the same confessions. Basically, he was the same guy, just with a wig. Most of the information he obtained was stuff he could have easily observed on his own.
I didn’t like the Cole sub-plot. Cole was basically Aaron. It made no sense for Aaron to be trying to raise Cole’s confidence and try to reward him for being nice to women when Aaron himself hadn’t cracked the code yet. Basically it was the blind leading the blind… If you insist on keeping him, find a better way for Aaron to help him out.
It seemed like everyone that found out about Aaron/Erin seemed to take it rather well. I can’t believe Shane didn’t freak out, let alone allow his friend to continue his date with Erin.
Finally, as before, I had a tough time figuring out if Aaron was being/speaking as Erin. I still suggest you use the slug “AARON” when he is a man and “ERIN” while as a woman.
All in all, you are moving the right direction. I see significant improvement in this script, so the hard work is beginning to pay off.
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I was actually assigned the first draft of The Rivalry, but didn't get to it before it was deleted, so I was happy to get the second draft. It was a good read, and has potential to be a good traditional light hearted RomCom.
One of the reasons I was interested was I am a huge Football fan. Unfortunately I mostly watch NFL, but I do keep track of College Football and go to...
I was actually assigned the first draft of The Rivalry, but didn't get to it before it was deleted, so I was happy to get the second draft. It was a good read, and has potential to be a good traditional light hearted RomCom.
One of the reasons I was interested was I am a huge Football fan. Unfortunately I mostly watch NFL, but I do keep track of College Football and go to a few Hawaii games now and then. I understand rivalries and the way team allegiance is passed on from generation to generation.
Dialogue was clearly the strength of the script, and considering how dialogue driven RomComs are, that is a big plus. About the only thing I could see that needed improving was the tightening of a few lines to strengthen their comedic punch:
Examples:
P19 "Totally. I wanna have tons of his babies. (cut)It’s a pretty common name, Harris. (cut)"
P28 Hi. I’m Jay Harris, number eighty two for the Michigan Wolverines. Can you help me find my ass? (cut) I hired a detective, but he hasn’t gotten back to me. (cut) "
The characters were okay. I felt they were a little bland and you missed a bunch of opportunities to create some real eccentric characters with Kayla and Jay's parents (more on this later). I actually began to get a little annoyed with Kayla's overzealous love for Ohio St. I understand she "bleeds red" (good joke, BTW) but she was pushing her religion way too hard. I would have dumped her if I were Jay.
Most of my concerns were with the story. The premise is great. I honestly don't know why someone hasn't done this already. I think it reeks of comedic potential because of how passionate some people and families are about their sports teams.
Your basic plot is good, and there are some real highlights, particularly Kayla's mom watching the game while in labor, the dinner scene where Kayla keeps getting bland food, and the ultimate football finale. The problems I had were with the story as a whole. After the initial debate on whether Kayla should date a football player from a rival school, there basically isn't a whole lot of conflict other than Kayla's obsession with Ohio State above all else. Like I mentioned in the character section, this made her character a little too unbelievable for me. I've seen some obsessed fans, but never to the point to where Kayla was. The surprising thing is this would have worked perfectly for both Kayla's parents and Jay's parents. You could really go for a Romeo and Juliet-esq type story if you wanted to go in that direction.
I guess it all boils down to the relative lack of conflict and consequences to their "forbidden relationship". The majority of the second act consisted of conflict that was self-inflicted by Kayla's Ohio State obsession. The rest of the conflict happened behind the scenes, Like when jay tells her that his team is uncomfortable with his relationship with her, I wanted to see that happen instead of hearing about it. You finally got others involved closer to the end of the script. I enjoyed the cheerleaders taking a stand to Lisa and defending Kayla, which was a really cool moment. I also enjoyed the big game, but (you knew there was a "but" coming, lol) I think Kayla needs something to truly test her loyalty to Jay. I don;t know exactly what, and I truly do love the sudden cheering for the other team moment. I just think there was a smidge bit more you could do to build up the tension of that critical moment.
Finally, to end this on a positive note, I really enjoyed your writing style. very smooth, and easy to read. I hope to read more of your scripts in the future.
A few notes:
P56
"Ohio State sucks". Funny!
P85
"Stop eating all my Ramen?". Funny!
P93
Unless it's a Bowl Game, the visiting team's band doesn't do a halftime show on the opponents field. I've seen visiting cheerleaders, but think about it. Why would the home team want to showcase the opponent's school?
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It has been a very long time since I read a western, so I decided to give Sara Madigan a try.
It was an entertaining screenplay, and fairly well written. I was able to follow everything, and it flowed well. I enjoyed the fact that the writer intended to tell a story and not a history lesson (which is one of the reasons it's been a while since I read a Western). I do have to...
It has been a very long time since I read a western, so I decided to give Sara Madigan a try.
It was an entertaining screenplay, and fairly well written. I was able to follow everything, and it flowed well. I enjoyed the fact that the writer intended to tell a story and not a history lesson (which is one of the reasons it's been a while since I read a Western). I do have to point out a pet peeve of mine. Write in an active voice. Don't write "Johnny is walking...", write "Johnny walks".
The dialogue read a little stiff for my tastes. The townsfolk, Sarah, and Johnny were fine, but the villains sounded like they were European or something, and it just didn't seem to read right. Nemesio had a unique way of speaking, I'll give you that, but I felt he spoke a little too much, and seemed to describe every little thing he was doing/thinking. Kind of reminded me of a Bond villain. I enjoyed his catchphrase ("I tell you this now, so you will know.") but it was used so often, it wore out its welcome.
The story was an average typical western, which was both a good and bad thing. It was good because you made it work out well. It was bad because it was, well, average. Nothing to really make it stand out from the oodles of Westerns before it. I know it wasn't you intention, but this could made a fairly good comedy. The tone was fairly light, until near the end with repeated raping of Sara.
Structurally, I'd suggest you open the screenplay with Nemesio's pillaging of Roseville. That way, when Johnny comes rushing in with the telegram of Nemesio, we already know what a dangerous man he is.
I didn't understand why the whole town seemed to go on their daily lives despite Nemesio and his gang being in town.
The ending felt kind of rushed, and didn't feel Nemesio's return was really necessary.
I saved my biggest concern for last, the characters and the way they behaved.
Nemesio was probably the best of the bunch. I loved his obsession about teeth. Sara seemed a little too passive, especially for today's audiences. I don't understand how Sylvia was such a dominant woman, yet completely went off the deep end when Sara was kidnapped. Seemed really out of character.
I understand how the town folk were scared to fight and all, but I would have liked to see at least one person help out poor Johnny in some way (food, etc). It would help out with the weak scenes (that could easily be cut) when he is arrested in Clarksville.
Finally, poor Johnny. I had a real tough time rooting for him. He reminded me of that annoying kid who puts everyone in danger when he runs back into the burning building to save his dog, or the kid who thinks he's a superhero because he reads comic books. I want to see a glimpse of competence in the guy before you have him ride off in the sunset to get his girl back. Show us some hidden talent that might help him on his quest. I get that he's supposed to be the underdog, but just being one guy against many makes him an underdog. You don't have to make him completely useless until he gets saved by Igasho.
Anyway, like I said this was nonetheless an entertaining read. Work on setting this apart from the rest of the pack. Good luck!
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