Well, thanks for such a fun and quick read. Your script is a real page turner. I loved the long action scenes. I'm so sick of all the dialogue heavy scripts I usually find here on TS. A welcome change. And boy have you got skill with the descriptions. I found myself visualizing what was going on and forgetting all about the words I was reading. Forgetting I was reading at all. Exactly the idea.
I'm not sure what your plans are with this script. I think it makes a wonderful writing example, but I'm not sure how sellable it would be. There's simply so many slasher horror movies made and this one doesn't really have a particular hook to make it stand out. Having said that, horror movies are cheap to make and there are plenty made from worse scripts than this. It was a gruesome horror, mixed with a scooby-doo mystery, and just a hint of One flew over the Cuckoo's nest.
To make it to the next level I think the biggest let down is the middle. The setup is nice, it works, it's interesting. The final showdown, which goes on for around 30-35 pages just flies by, and it brilliant. But in the middle it's a little muddled. We lose focus from the protagonist. My mind wandered a little. I was a little bored, waiting for something to happen. If you could add something intriguing to the mix, and simply add it to what's there. Maybe make it obvious earlier that there isn't a real Billy Ray so we can start wondering who it really is? Maybe just come up with another specific goal for Joel. Something that he fails at, and leads into the wonderful action. The gruesome slayings. All that fun stuff.
I liked your dialogue in that there was very little of it. Basically, all you needed to get by. However, what was there was fairly plain and simple. None of the characters really had their own voices, unlike their visuals, which were wonderfully described. It's only a minor point, and probably not very important in a horror script, but could be worked nonetheless.
I'm thinking you could do a little more with the supporting cast. Make better use of them. All they're really there for is to distract, and as possible candidates for the killer. I found Craig annoying. Probably the goal, just not sure why. It would be really good if you made him, or another character, into a likable empathetic character, or have their interactions with Joel arc them into a likable character, so when they die we care more. We don't want them to die. This would happen if Joel doesn't want them to die. I don't think he really cared about any of them. Except maybe Brooke (lovely irony). If the Craig character tool Joel under his wing and helped him deal with the place, then maybe Joel could help him with his own problem (whatever that may be) and this could be the goal during the second act, along with trying to conquer his demons. But in the end it's all in vain as he's killed. Pushing Joel further, somehow helping him to better remember.
Anyway, here are some notes I made while reading:
- Interesting title. Simple, to the point. I thought ‘Rehab’ could be a bit more catchy, but it’s probably been used a million times.
- Great opening page. Awesome visual descriptions. I can see it in my head without trying. I can go entire scripts without getting that on TS sometimes.
- Opening 8 pages just fly by. So easy to read. So compelling. If anything, could be a fraction shorter maybe. If it really took up the first 8 minutes of the movie it could be a little overwhelming. Just being picky though. What you’ve written is top notch.
- P11: Brilliant descriptions of the doctors. Love it. This script is turning out to be a pleasure to read after the last one I reviewed.
- P20: The first sign of the villain. The attack by the pickup, seen it a million times but you still manage to make it interesting. Wonderfully described. I still feel Mountains fear.
- P21: Bursts like a grape - Brilliant.
- P22: I’d love to get a better description of the masked man’s voice. Is it deep and menacing, or surprisingly normal?
- P35-36: Maybe just mention Joel, wasn’t sure he was there. Just maintains the story POV.
- P37: Billy Ray pulls the trigger - I don’t follow this reference.
- P39: Half way down the page: dan need capitalization.
- P44: I don’t think you need the Memento reference. It’s well enough explained without it. No need to break the fourth wall.
- P47: Okay, so now I find out his name is Buddy Ray. Did I miss that from earlier? or did it slip through a revision?
- Has a real “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” Vibe about the scenes at the facility. Crossed with a Friday the 13th horror. Sounds like an interesting combo, Let’s see how it pans out.
- P58: Doc says head trauma can cause temporary memory loss, then he says if it was from the injury they’d be gone. Kind of contradicts himself. And he’s right the first time. Amnesia from an injury to the brain can sometimes be healed.
- P63: You describe Dr Dan’s thoughts in an unfilmable fashion.
- P67: Why is Dr Dan not doing what he promised?
- It’s funny, but mildly off-putting that Jackson’s wife was called Janet.
- Seems like the middle of the script is wandering. There’s a lot of things going on around Joel, but he’s not really involved in it. He’s just a passenger. Very passive. No goals, little actions. Also, he doesn’t seem to be struggling with the withdrawal of alcohol, or whatever other things he was on.
- The deaths of Jackson and Skye are again brilliantly described action scenes. Great stuff. But again it’s a few pages without Joel being involved. Maybe give him something else to to. Have it cut back and forth between him and the killings. Maybe make it obvious he wants to go apologize to Skye. Maybe have him talk to Craig who’s unconscious, so he’s really just talking to himself, and we here him sway back and forward between wanting to go and not. Adds more tension, that he might walk in on the act.
- P81: Is it his brother? I love the mystery, but half of the suspects just died.
- P83: Is it Brooke? That would be a nice twist. Female killer and she’s strong and skilled enough.
- P97: at the bottom: from of a man - should be form of a man.
- P99: Nailed it.
- He learned his lesson. Nice. Maybe another scene foreshadowing further threat from Brooke? Her plotting a plan in jail or something. I guess that’s kind of clichéd.
So from around the point where Randy is talking to Dr Dan, I wandered off a little. Don't think a scene like that need to be so long. Just mention he's going looking for Billy Ray and leave it at that. Get back to Joel, stay focused on Joel.
You have no gimmick, no hook, and I think leave it that way. Focus on a truly moving script and it will be better anyway. They always talk about characters arcing (not so much in horror scripts) and while Joel has an arc of realization, it would be really nice if there was more. It doesn't have to be Joel that arcs. Have him help his sidekick/mentor character to be a better person, to overcome a hurdle. It makes us like Joel more and makes it more moving when it's all for nothing and the person dies. Just a suggestion anyway.
Good luck with any future rewrites, I'd love to read them.
Review of: Rehabilitation
reviewed by Paul Clarke on 01/06/2012
Review ID: 4073226
Other Reviews by Paul Clarke 76
A review of PICKLES DON'T WASH DISHESby Paul Clarke on 07/30/2013Well, you have an interesting story here. It is very, very dark. So be aware that it may be a hard sell. Child abuse, rape, you have the works. While there is some good writing and nice moments, the entire thing is held back by one huge problem. You’re not telling a story, you’re telling two separate stories. Even though one character is in both, they are completely unrelated... Well, you have an interesting story here. It is very, very dark. So be aware that it may be a hard sell. Child abuse, rape, you have the works.
While there is some good writing and nice moments, the entire thing is held back by one huge problem. You’re not telling a story, you’re telling two separate stories. Even though one character is in both, they are completely unrelated. This could work in a novel, but not a movie. In a novel you can show all the events of a persons life, but in a movie you have to have a single story line. This is shown best by your opening. It is a muddle, we get two random flash forward scenes to build toward. Why do we get two unrelated scenes? Because we have two unrelated stories.
I would suggest you chose one and focus on that, but I get the feeling that’s not what you want to do. So I suggest you try and integrate and weave these two story lines together. Tell them at the same time. Build toward the two skillet murders. Have Travis and Katey as fellow foster kids all along. Show how the four different kids all react in different ways to being abused as children. That would be the theme. But you need to somehow caress the story into one big flowing story. Rather than a childhood story and it’s sequel.
Also, Freddy is not the protagonist in either. I personally would make it that Freddy dies, Eddie helps Katey (please change the names). Maybe he always liked her but let his younger brother have her as kids because of what they’d been through. But after killing Tom she’s left with Travis, so they end up together.
And the structure of each story is out too. By having the mother die, then having the grandfather die, you’re repeating the same story beat. Plus, when they leave and go have with James, the story totally stops. It’s a nice sequence, but out of place. The goal is to escape the foster home, so that part becomes directionless. I would cut the mother stuff. Have her die before the story begins. They live with James. Spend 10-12 pages getting to know them and showing how they stick together. Hints that they’re trouble makers. Then, BAM, James dies, and they’re off to the foster home. This gives you more time to work the childhood friendships, particularly with Katey. Her relationship with Freddy was just a rushed scene over a page or two. This is an important relationship and needs to be fully fleshed out so that the scenes later on fully resonate. You also miss a big opportunity there. The central relationship is the airtight bond between Eddie and Freddy. This would be disrupted when Katey came along. Eddie might resent her for stealing his brother away. This would give you far more dramatic irony later on if it was Adult Eddie and Katey together, bonding over Freddy’s death.
In the end Freddy cannot be the hero as he is completely passive. He does nothing in either storyline. The only thing he does it help kill Tom. And I say help, because there’s no way a seven year old is strong enough to kill someone with a skillet. He could barely swing it. It’s a stretch to say even nine year old Eddie could do it. Another reason why it should be Eddie’s story.
I realise that’s an awful lot of work, and requires a full rethink and page one rewrite. But I think it would make a good script into a masterpiece. It’s up to you.
Anyway, here are some notes I took while reading:
- Something odd with your formatting. There are several blank pages at the end of the script. Plus the title page doesn’t count as page 1.
- I would consider renaming some characters. We’re first introduced to Freddy, Eddie, Katey. Freddy and Eddie sound almost identical. To make sure the reader is always crystal clear regarding characters I would rename one of them.
- Title at the bottom of page 4 should be on the next page. Also it should indicate it’s a flashback.
- Not sure about two time jumps and a voice over all in the first 5 pages. Makes an unnecessary mess of the story.
- Love the introduction of Teresa.
- P14: I’d cut the conversation between the employees. Not needed and very bland.
- I thought the ‘pickles’ analogy was cute to begin with. But it’s starting to lose shape. You said everyone becomes a pickle eventually, but now you’re saying pickles don’t conform to social norms. Not everyone gets to that point in their lives.
- The scene in the closed Sears shop has a real movie feel to it. I can really visualize it up on the big screen.
- P17: “Go see what all is stolen.” Maybe take out the ‘all’.
- P20: ‘drug’ – should be dragged.
- I understand that you want the foster parents to be bad, but they are comic book bad. They don’t seem like real people. What’s their motivation for hurting the kids? If they were drunk and got carried away or something. But regular beatings just for the pleasure of it just seems too much. Or using them as slave labour to get chores done even, could be more plausible.
- P22: Freddy speaks twice with no action lines inbetween.
- “Your mother took a turn for the worse.” That implies dying not dead. Yet there’s a funeral planned for the next day?
- When the boys escape from Tom and Sherry to their grandparents, the story loses some shape. Where is it headed now? What is the purpose? It is becoming more like a novel. Partly because of the way it is being retold via voice over, and partly because it hasn’t really got any structure. It’s just the retelling of series of events. No over-arching storyline.
- I think even you could be confused by the names. On page 43 you write ‘Freddie’.
- James dying is a solid midpoint disaster, but the protagonists are very passive. Everything just happens to them. Part of the problem with child characters. But you can still have them actively seeking out some sort of goal. The sequence up until this midpoint had no point. There was no story, it was just filling. Just some things happening to the characters. I think you need to decide what the story is about and stick to it.
- P49: Were – should be we’re
- The reintroduction of Katey took me a moment to remember who she was. I think this highlights a structural issue. The opening is a mess with flashbacks and flashforwards all over the place. You need to cut them back. Adult Freddy is retelling the story of his childhood through flashbacks. That’s cool. I like that. But then you have the flashforward inside the flashback to them killing him with skillets. Which I don’t think is necessary. And you have the very opening flashback (but still adults) with Katey. This has nothing to do with anything for 50 odd pages. It feels like you just put it in there because one of your main characters doesn’t appear until 50 pages in. I would cut this. It will be forgotten by the time we get to meet her anyway. Instead, change the scene where the boys are removed from the foster home to go live with the grandparents. Instead of them being sad at leaving the kids behind, they should see that because they’re leaving two new replacements will be filling their spots. That would make them feel worse (I mean they should know long before they’re leaving in the car that the other kids will be left behind). So they are sad that because of their escape, two more children have been sentenced to the abuse. Have the replacement kids cross paths. One of them is Katey. She somehow makes a connection with the boys even in this small moment. Maybe something to do with Rupert, so that when she reappears at the funeral and sees him we instantly make the connection as to who she is.
- I’d also like to point out that at this point in the story I think Eddie should be the protagonist, not Freddy. Freddy has done nothing. Eddie has done everything. And it would bring far more sympathy to watch Eddie and the funeral of the little brother he spent his life protecting, and still failed. Explain that Freddy never became a pickle, he couldn’t handle it and he died. And Eddie is trying to cope with that. Far more dramatic irony that way.
- P56: The intercuts (which are flashbacks) are coming thick and fast. We’re jumping round all over the place and it’s not labelled. A little confusing.
- Now that we’re watching the story in ADULT time I can see why you have two separate openings. It’s like two different movies. One is about the kids trying to escape the nasty foster parents, the other about Katey as an adult. You can’t really tell both. They’re not the same story. Unless you can seamlessly wind them together and tell them at the same time it won’t work.
- P60: Robert is called MAN.
- So now Freddy’s turned into the crusader for the children? Doesn’t make any sense. That would be Eddies’ role.
- P66: “The way a man walking through the dessert drinks water after thirsting for days.” – Hilarious, but this isn’t a novel. And I think you mean 'desert'.
- P66: I do love the Weebles wobbling imagery. Very nice. Maybe even show child Freddy giving child Katey a Weeble back then.
- The introduction of Travis so late in the story is a clear indication that you have two separate stories here.
- P67 FORMAN – should me FOREMAN
- Travis is like the foster parents. Bad for bad’s sake. He doesn’t seem real.
- You don’t need to keep reminding us that Freddy killed Tom. We remember.
- P78: I think you mean TRAVIS and Carl watch TV.
- P79: Should be ‘hear a slap.’
- Typos and mistakes seem to be flowing now. Giving the impression that the ending has been written in a rush and not checked over as much as the beginning was.
- Travis should be one of the foster home kids from the beginning. Flesh him out as a child character. Have him abused, that would at least give us a plausible reason for his behaviour. Show us how different people react to the abuse. Have him left behind after Tom’s death. That’s how he ended up with Katey.
- If you’re going to bold your sluglines you need to bold them all.
- Katey kills Travis. That makes her the hero of this story. Eddie the hero of the first one. Freddy is officially a passenger in both.
Anyway, the story material if done properly could make a very moving movie. An intense drama. I hope there's something here that helps with future rewrites. read
A review of Mottephobiaby Paul Clarke on 07/12/2013Well done. A nice read. Something that I can imagine seeing on the big screen. A good example of something the same as what we’ve seen before, but different. For my liking, it just wasn’t quite different enough. My advice would be to work on two things: Firstly, the originality. The idea of giant killer moths is cool and unique (I think). But in your script they don’t really... Well done. A nice read. Something that I can imagine seeing on the big screen. A good example of something the same as what we’ve seen before, but different. For my liking, it just wasn’t quite different enough.
My advice would be to work on two things: Firstly, the originality. The idea of giant killer moths is cool and unique (I think). But in your script they don’t really need to be moths. They could be birds, bugs, aliens, pretty much anything. Think more about moths. Maybe do some research, come up with unique problems that would arise if there were giant killer moths. Use what we know like them going for lights more, things like that. The point is, make it stand out from all the other movies like this. At the moment it doesn’t.
And secondly, the characters. The same thing really. They’re simply the same stereotypical characters we’ve seen a million times. Plus there’s too many of them. Do we need two of each character? Mix it up, break the stereotypes. Maybe the red-necks could be women? Maybe name them better to make them stand out. Call the sheriff Sheriff. Call the professors professor so and so. Maybe just have one. Concentrate on making them real people that we care about. In the end that’s all that matters. I simply didn’t care enough about the individual characters. I didn’t really get to know them.
I think the opening needs the most work. This is where you establish the characters, so this is where you’re coming up short. It’s too long and drawn out. The scenes are all setup and no drama. You can have a lot of the same shots, just put in some sort of tension building scenes. Something that sets the mood and genre early. Therefore the boring intros to the characters is more interesting. Maybe start with a simple shot of the moths. Just so we know what might happen.
And keep the conflict between the characters as long as possible. They start out hating each other but just rally together way too quickly. Maybe one character (the pacifist) should not want to hurt the moths. It’s nature taking revenge on evil mankind. Something like that. Everyone was just too friendly, all the obstacles came from external hurdles. No one really changed or arced. I was sure Samuel would have a better pay-off. He was the character that stood out early for me.
Anyway, here are some notes I took while reading:
- Page one, second sentence “…as a the familiar swing…” – Not a good start. A bad sign that the writer didn’t even take the time to proof read the first paragraph.
- Page 5 update. The good news is there haven’t been any more mistakes. The writing has been very professional. But not overly dramatic. We have met several main characters, but the style and tone of the story hasn’t been established. I know it’s clichéd but maybe start with one of the moths, or the protest. Something other than them just driving and arguing.
- P11: I love the introduction of the flame thrower. I know that’s going to be useful later. But I’m itching for some action. Something better happen soon.
- The introduction of Samuel caps off a cast of stereotypes. The typical students; one air-head, one a book-worm, the small town sheriff, the red necks, and the rich oil rig dude with the cowboy hat. I’d recommend you try for some more originality or hopefully break them out of their clichés.
- I’m not sure what ‘fracking’ is. Maybe that will be addressed later.
- On page 21 Bridget refers to Cathy as professor. I’d have her say that on the first page or two. Just so it’s really clear. At first I thought the three women were the same age. They kind of blended together. I’d even go as far as having her referred to as professor Spane more often. Maybe even in the dialogue name.
- It seems like crazy behaviour to go into a cave soon after the madman blew up the explosives.
- P23: First sighting of the moths. Too late for my liking. I’d aim to have this on page 15. Why do we need to see them drive into town? Why couldn’t we start with the protest site and have them arrive immediately. All the details we learn about them could fit into those pages.
- Changed my mind. The moths need to be introduced in the first 10 pages. The chemical spill should happen by page 15. I’m currently on page 30 and this should be the first attack, or whatever happens with the moths.
- P33: back and fourth – should be forth
- Sarah is just too much of an airhead. How could she be at university? You can make her into fashion and image conscious, but not completely stupid.
- Now that the moths have attacked, I feel it was too quick. I would have the moths introduced earlier like I mentioned, but have the bodies of the guards found first. Build some suspense, have some close calls. Then have the first attack.
- You write your action descriptions in large blocks. For example, page 37: as Bridgit runs into the trailer. That is 3 or 4 different shots. Therefore it should be 3 or 4 separate lines. That makes it a long read. If you broke it up correctly it would probably add 5-10 pages. Which is more what it reads like, and frankly a little long. Trim the opening. Remove the constant repetition of information.
- Half way through and I’m afraid it’s just a case of seen it all before. The moths could be aliens, or anything. It’s a nice idea to make them something different. But then you don’t use that fact. There’s nothing mothy about them. All the scenes are just a carbon copy of those seen over and over again in these type of movies.
- The characters tend to all sound alike. I read your bio, from the mid-west, why not give the sheriff a good strong distinctive dialect. He has the odd line, but otherwise he just blends in with the rest. I know I always have trouble doing this. I have a tendency to write what I would call ‘functional’ dialogue. Which is what you have here. It gets the message across but lacks any real flavor.
- P51: Maybe if Bridget and Sarah had tried some stunt to try and shut down the site, but had been caught out lying – it would make sense that no one believed their story.
- P54: “One persons already dead…” – should be person’s.
- P56: Samuel says “Aw, hell.” – not sure why he suddenly cares about others. Would make more sense if Maxi said this line.
- It sounds cliché, but why isn’t there a moth specialist character? Someone who knows enough about moths to understand them. The professor (of what? We don’t know) knows some stuff. If they had found the cocoons then contacted a moth specialist, he could arrive and explain what was going on and hopefully come up with some possible solutions. Just a thought.
- P64: “… as the mouth struggles.” – should be moth.
- If they’re really after water, surely there are sources other than humans? Swimming pools or something? Maybe show them emptying those first, then realize once they run out they’ll start targeting humans?
- Not sure if we need all these characters. I don’t feel emotionally attached to any of them. Maybe because it’s spread too thin. They all seem to be doubled up. Two professors, two students, two hippies, two red-necks, a sheriff and his deputy. Only the students stand out as two different people. The rest could be reduced to single characters. This gives us more time to get to know them. What are they professors of? Not sure if it was mentioned, but not in a way that made me remember.
- Seems like an obvious solution. Light a giant bonfire. Like moths to a candle.
- There’s too many external complications and hurdles rather than internal. Cliched things like the truck not starting on page 74. Seen that a million times. Why did it choose to be unreliable then. A cheap trick to create tension. You need more things character related. Have things that the characters don’t want to do, instead of physically can’t do. Maybe Samuel must shut down his plant, or something. Give them conflicting interests. The only conflict is the moths. The characters all united way too easy in their goal to eliminate them.
- I’m not sure how a sub-station explodes from flicking a few switches?
- Instead of arming themselves, couldn’t they just go round and turn off all the lights? Or leave the lights on at one end of the building and head to the other. Give us a reason why the police station is so well lit and why they can’t turn it off.
- The writing in near the end of the script seems rushed in comparison to the professional stuff at the start. For example: page 83 “Cathy helps limp Maxi into the station.” I had to read it twice. It’s unnatural awkward wording. It’s not the only example, but not found in the first 80 pages. Maybe give these last 20 odd pages a real going over
- The emotion I should be getting from things like Cathy’s breakdown simply doesn’t work because her character wasn’t set up well enough in the first place. I never saw her as a vulnerable woman trying to act tough. Keep that in mind if you rework the opening.
- I would prefer it if Clyde was killed by moths and not his poor driving skills. Make revenge all the sweeter.
- I nice finale. Great action. I can really see it on the big screen.
All the best with rewrites. I hope there’s something useful here for you to work with. read
A review of Children Not Admittedby Paul Clarke on 06/24/2013I’m sorry but this simply wasn’t my kind of script. I like stories where stuff happens, so you’re always going to struggle to impress me with a plain talking heads script. However, it is possible with great interesting characters that I care about, in interesting situations. Unfortunately the only character I liked was Murray. He was the only one with any common sense, and... I’m sorry but this simply wasn’t my kind of script. I like stories where stuff happens, so you’re always going to struggle to impress me with a plain talking heads script. However, it is possible with great interesting characters that I care about, in interesting situations. Unfortunately the only character I liked was Murray. He was the only one with any common sense, and who made real human decisions. The rest I would like to pour petrol on and watch them burn. Such is my disdain toward them.
Maybe you could make this into a play? At least a TV show. I’m just not sure it works as a film.
And I’d scrap the Anti Cyclic Victimization thing. Or make it somehow more plausible that Saul would be crazy enough to believe it. It would make more sense if he did start to put on weight and his nose was growing from the beginning. Maybe he should visit a shrink at the beginning? A chance for him to discuss his issues. Make it clear what’s going on. The clarity of your story disappears under all the wandering conversations.
PS – You do know Saul Goodman is a character in Breaking Bad? A totally different character. I’d change it to remove the connection.
- P7: “There going…” should be - they’re
- Maybe point out where they are and how that relates to Fresno. Is that driving distance? Is he asking her to move with him? Does he even have to move? The story is different depending on the situation and I’m just not getting a clear idea.
- Saul’s quirk with the blueberry muffin and his reaction to the kid was nice enough. But I find the rubber duck one step too far. Just seems a little too cute.
- On page 11 Janet says they should test his brain. I agree. But raises the point – why is she with him? It would work better if we saw some positive side to Saul. Make me believe Janet loves him. Otherwise I lose all empathy. I wonder why she doesn’t just leave this weirdo and find a normal guy.
- I found the conversation between Michelle and her mum dragged on a little long. It hit the final beat, then just kept going. Same thing for the discussion between Saul and Janet regarding the baby. About a page of inane dialogue mixed in with the good stuff.
- I find Michelle’s behavior odd. She wants to date Frankie, but seems to hate him. Why did she invite him in for coffee? And if she was after something more serious, which she seems to, then why wouldn’t she mention her kid? Would make more sense if she was the one pushing the romance, but it was ruined by Kevin’s arrival.
- Why would Saul think Janet took her pill? She said “What do you think?” – Anyone with half a brain would expect that to mean she hasn’t. I’m really struggling with the plausibility of the characters and their behaviour. Plus it’s page 21 and we’re going nowhere fast.
- You intro Michelle early, then show the impending collision between her and Saul when she puts his name on the office. But then we have to wait forever for them to meet. Page 28 on a short script is simply too late for the moment that starts the story. You could easily put it on page 15 if you trim back the dawdling conversations. I’d also make a bigger deal out of the meeting between her and Saul. These are our two main characters. Make it memorable. Make it something.
- For example: Pages 29-30-31-32 and the start of 33 should be cut. That’s off-screen stuff. We learn nothing new. We learn nothing about either character. They learn about each other, but we already know it all. It’s not even an interesting conversation. It doesn’t really foreshadow any connection or romance. It’s simple off screen material. They leave the restaurant CUT TO them having lunch in the deli. Page 33 and no sign of any story. Just talking heads.
- P34: If she only went to Israel once, how did she plant the tree?
- P40: I don’t understand Saul’s reaction to the kid feeding the ducks, compared to his reaction to the kid offering him the blueberry muffin.
- If he’s worried about passing his genetics down, wouldn’t the woman who already has a kid be his ideal woman? What’s the attachment to Janet? He seems to hate her.
- It took Murray to point out a child now wouldn’t be 6 when he’s 35. Really struggling to care about this guy. He’s a complete idiot. I’d also explain the CPA and that stuff. The idea that being an abusive father is passed on through genetics and is somehow triggered at a certain age is absolutely preposterous. It’s a learned behaviour. Psychology. While Saul is an idiot, he does seem like a nice guy. Why would he become abusive?
- It’s funny because you have so little action description, yet it’s full of redundancies. We don’t need to know she puts it in drive. We don’t need to know the numbers he dials to hear his messages. Hitchcock said movies are life with the boring parts cut out. You only seem to have the boring parts.
- P50: I thought Saul had changed his mind after doing the maths? And yet now Janet has a problem with him? I’m just going to have to plough through the rest. I can’t stop every time the behaviour is illogical.
- He’s mad that Janet was seeing someone else, but he was seeing Michelle? I have zero sympathy for anyone in this script. To go with the lack of empathy.
- It’s comical how long the conversations between Saul and the doctors go on (10 pages!). What happened to the rest of the characters?
- It would be fitting to end it any other way. Another inane conversation.
I apologize that I couldn’t be any more constructive. I’m sure you have some sort of an idea of what story you want to tell. But all I found was non-stop wandering inane conversations between horrible characters who failed to behave like real people at any stage. Still, like I said, not my kettle of fish. All the best with rewrites. read
Copyright © 2001-2013 Trigger Street Labs. All Rights Reserved.