Comments About Lanceeliot 10

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  MagnoliaMoon on 09/14/2011

  Thank you for your review / comments on "Labor's Day." You are dead-on-the-money. The story I'm trying to tell hasn't been uploaded. *smile* I have been a TS member for a long time. First, I failed miserably in trying to write the story in screenplay form. Told to write the thing in manuscript form, I did so. Now, I'm trying to condense over 400 pages into 50. "Labor's Day", in retrospect, was a test, i.e. just how good am I - simply as a storyteller ? Will "Labor's Day", with all it's fitful starts, stops, "frames", and warts help me build confidence? Answer: It has.
  
  Thank you again for your time and your very helpful review.
  
  MagnoliaMoon
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  AndyBrannan on 09/14/2011

  Thanks for your review of "To Change the Channel"! I certainly value your input.
  
  I'm guessing from your comments that you assume this story is fiction. Are you certain about that? Why? If you check out my other stories, you'll find one called "Beth's Coupon." What if I told you that one of these two stories is word-for-word truth? If you are interested, I'd love to hear your guess, and why.
  
  Andy
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  **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 11/09/2009

  Thanks for your critique of Termino Blanco. I wanted to play with the exposition & a traditional protagonist a little differently and see how that works. The gamble proved mixed results. I will save your notes, which will come in handy, for a future rewrite. Peace!

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Comments About Lanceeliot 10

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  Quote

  MagnoliaMoon on 09/14/2011

  Thank you for your review / comments on "Labor's Day." You are dead-on-the-money. The story I'm trying to tell hasn't been uploaded. *smile* I have been a TS member for a long time. First, I failed miserably in trying to write the story in screenplay form. Told to write the thing in manuscript form, I did so. Now, I'm trying to condense over 400 pages into 50. "Labor's Day", in retrospect, was a test, i.e. just how good am I - simply as a storyteller ? Will "Labor's Day", with all it's fitful starts, stops, "frames", and warts help me build confidence? Answer: It has.
  
  Thank you again for your time and your very helpful review.
  
  MagnoliaMoon
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  Quote

  AndyBrannan on 09/14/2011

  Thanks for your review of "To Change the Channel"! I certainly value your input.
  
  I'm guessing from your comments that you assume this story is fiction. Are you certain about that? Why? If you check out my other stories, you'll find one called "Beth's Coupon." What if I told you that one of these two stories is word-for-word truth? If you are interested, I'd love to hear your guess, and why.
  
  Andy
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  Quote

  **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 11/09/2009

  Thanks for your critique of Termino Blanco. I wanted to play with the exposition & a traditional protagonist a little differently and see how that works. The gamble proved mixed results. I will save your notes, which will come in handy, for a future rewrite. Peace!
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  cswood on 11/04/2009

  Thanks for the review. Very detailed and helpful!
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  josephcarlin on 09/16/2009

  Thanks for the review. I will take all things you noted back "under the hood" when I rework it.
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  Lanceeliot on 09/14/2009

  Michael Keller wrote:

  Hey Lanceeliot,
  
  Sorry to bother you. You mentioned font changes, but I seem to miss them. May I ask where you noticed font changes?
  
  Thanks,
  Mike

  
  
  Page 15-16 it looks like the script shifts from courier new to ariel.
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  Michael Keller on 09/14/2009

  Hey Lanceeliot,
  
  Sorry to bother you. You mentioned font changes, but I seem to miss them. May I ask where you noticed font changes?
  
  Thanks,
  Mike
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  Michael Keller on 09/14/2009

  Thanks for the insights!
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  Lanceeliot on 07/19/2009

  Hey Tyler,
  
  While new on TriggerStreet, I’ve been writing for the screen for four years. I’ve made it to the Quarterfinals at a few well known competitions. I’ve co-produced a couple of my short film scripts and worked with actors and directors. One thing I’ve learned through these interactions is to consider my audience.
  
  If your audience is a reader working at a studio or for a screenwriting competition, they will have a stack of scripts to plow through.
  
  If you were in that spot, would you want to read a lot of ink, or would you appreciate white space?
  
  I highly recommend reading the script for “Wall-E.”
  
  Whether you saw that movie or like that time of film or not, the action lines in Wall-E floored me.
  
  From your script:
  
  “Far in the distance, through waves of rising heat, a dust plume stretches out for miles. From what appears to be a fast moving vehicle racing along the horizon.
  
  Approaching, it becomes cleat that it is, in fact, ‘Chris’ running at an extraordinary speed.”
  
  could be something like:
  
  “On the horizon a dust plume cuts through the desert.
  
  CHRIS MORGANNTON (32) runs at blinding speed.”
  
  These are just notes / suggestions, take the ones you agree with and leave the rest. If you hear the same notes / suggestions from different people; there could be something to them.
  
  I’m still learning the craft, learning the rules, and I’m not looking to break them. Unless you self-produce, it’s their game.
  
  Again, I really liked your imagery.
  
  Pick the story you want to tell, and tell it in a clear and economical way.
  
  Read a stack of screenplays, produced or un-produced; you’ll learn something new with every page.
  
  I hope you find my comments helpful.
  
  Best,
  
  LE
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  **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 07/19/2009

  Thank you for your review of Daemon. I was toying with the idea of the protagonist, to see if I could write a character as despicable as Brian in the beginning , and have you care for him by the end, or if I could write a movie without one at all. Really, I think Kelly is the protagonist, but I’m not sure, and I wrote the damn thing.
  
  Brian was suppose to be the guilty one that got away with all the wrong he did, and Chris suffered as the innocent thrown into hell at birth. Brian and Chris take on symptoms of each other’s disease or aliments (maybe I was too subtle with this?), and in the end Chris kills Brian, along with everyone else. They are two separate story lines, but Chris does impact Brian in the end, albeit, unknown to them both.
  
  Chris is like the tornado, and Brian is the unsuspecting town, kind of thing.
  
  I originally wrote the “Lament” and “My Girl” sequences with the lyrics as voice over, but was later told it was illegal to do that. I even tried writing them with FDAV, but that too would be illegal, and better left to post production. Which left me no choice, but to hope the reader cares enough to listen to the songs on their own.
  
  As far as the description goes, believe me I cut the hell out of it. And once the stage is set, less description was necessary. I guess, I could cut more. Could you give me an example?
  
  Sometimes I feel it depends on which books you’ve read as to what is correct. The most recent ones I’ve read, say overwrite the main character description to let the reader know right away that they are a main character, and if you need to describe something such as a ROOM, or a Fantasy, choose your battles. Maybe I screwed that up, too.
  
  After posting I noticed some mistakes that would make the opening sequence a little confusing. I will fire my proofer today, lol.
  
  My intention or hope was to break the “rules” in such a way that the reader would know I was doing it on purpose. Sounds like I missed my mark.
  
  Thanks again,
  Tyler B.
  
  P.S. I am a "new user" too, so I don't compeletly understand this site yet, but it said your review was a "free will review" which does not count for either of us. Didn't know if you realzied that or not.
  
  TBD

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