a screenplay
by latent-28
Bonnie & Clyde imitators embark on a road race against two hicks and spin off into a crazy adventure
latent-28
member since 08/26/2010 |
last login 02/03/2013
Written short stories, made short films, now working on screenplays....
Bio
Written short stories, made short films, now working on screenplays.
Submissions by latent-28
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a screenplay by latent-28Bonnie & Clyde look-alikes get hired by two hicks to race around Louisiana, but the race is a ruse and the crimes... more
Reviews by latent-28 36
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A review of The Riddle of Rudolf Hess - Second Draftby latent-28 on 11/16/2011I've seen a few documentaries on Nazi Germany & World War II so know that there is much dramatic potential to these historical events (and I googled Rudolf Hess to get a refresher on the background). 'Alfred Horn', signified as old-man Hess (and the name Hess used in 1941 on his U.K arrival), generates intrigue and the hint of conspiracy, though this would not be apparent... I've seen a few documentaries on Nazi Germany & World War II so know that there is much dramatic potential to these historical events (and I googled Rudolf Hess to get a refresher on the background).
'Alfred Horn', signified as old-man Hess (and the name Hess used in 1941 on his U.K arrival), generates intrigue and the hint of conspiracy, though this would not be apparent in visual/film terms.
I think you should start with Spandau Prison and then flashback to Hess' birth.
The first two scenes of the vicious Fritz Hess - and the subsequent killings and beatings - are shocking and vivid. I'm assuming you made it up. That's a writer's prerogative, but having the young Rudolf murdering his own sister seems a bit blatant. In my internet search I found a mention of his sister visiting him in Spandau.
The Hess age transitions on page 23 seem gimicky. In a short space of time he ages to his 40's which is a big narrative jump, missing his important Nazi/Hitler history. Maybe have a Montage (i.e film footage) of both Hess' and the Nazi rise to power. Also, a dated year would be helpful for historical context i.e is it before or after 1939?
Hitler 'smirking with pure evil' makes it sound like a scene from a World War II action movie. Nazi Bormann is portrayed as an evil murdering monster. Nazi 'evil' was mostly deligated - which makes the Nazi leaders all the more chilling in my opinion. Thus, Boorman and Hess murdering the jewish family is shocking but such shock-value can come also come across as devilish movie villainy. I think Bormann's attack and murder of the Maid is narrative 'overkill'.
I think it would be better to say English/British rather than 'Brits'. And 'petty officer' assumes an English naval officer so I'm not sure if this is a British officer.
The first date we get is '1937', during the Norfolk scene - up to here I was assuming the period was wartime. On page 75 we jump (5 months) to 1941, but I would like dates for all inbetween scenes.
Page 63: 'Obnoxiously loud knock on the door' - maybe 'loud , intrusive' would be better.
Hitler vacationing in a concentration camp is not historically accurate.
I like the way you with having Alfred Horn claiming to be Rudolf Hess.
Corrections:
(there are quite a lot of typos/errors for a second draft, after page 37 I stopped noting them)
Page 3: and see(s)
Page 6: bartender(')s - twice
Page 7: doctor(')s
Page 11: then - than
Page 13: overlooks
Page 14: you(s)
Page 16: (O.S.)
Page 21: Rudolf(')s
Page 22: she's
Page 24: Man's
Page 28/31/32: Rudolf(')s
Page 32: eyes fixated - fixed, might be better.
Page 34: pushed - pushes
Page 34: losing consciousness(?)
Page 34: 'Alfred aims at the mother' would be better.
Page 37: there - their (twice)
There is a lot of potential to this fictionalised story of Hess and Bormann, but I'm left confused as to the motives of the main characters - why does Alfred wait until 1987 to confess his true identity (the last day of his life)? And Hess' family confession - his 'compassionate' killing of his mother and sister seems unlikely. Some of the dialogue also seems too modern. Lots of typos to correct, But it was both intriguing and a fast read.
All the best. read -
A review of The Last Week of Summerby latent-28 on 11/14/2011A ghostly love story, well written. A neat twist on 'Sixth Sense' - the ghost doesn't know they are a ghost, but here the boyfriend has to keep his dead girlfriend from discovering her ghostly reality for a week. And on that week the described dates the couple have are cute and romantic (the colorful locations described well). But you describe the script as Romance/Comedy/Drama,... A ghostly love story, well written. A neat twist on 'Sixth Sense' - the ghost doesn't know they are a ghost, but here the boyfriend has to keep his dead girlfriend from discovering her ghostly reality for a week.
And on that week the described dates the couple have are cute and romantic (the colorful locations described well). But you describe the script as Romance/Comedy/Drama, and so for me (and for a potential audience) more comedy and drama is needed. Yes the last 10 pages are dramatic but that's just ten minutes of screentime.
Some specifics:
I think you need to give surnames for Angela & Sam at the start (you have them at the very end), and some physical description (on his first appearance we get description of Sam's car but not him). Also descriptions for all secondary characters i.e. Jade and Jen are decribed, but not Sam's Mother & Brother, who don't even have first names.
There is a lot of unnecessary shooting direction ('we see', 'shaky camera', FADE IN/OUT's, POV e.t.c) and also a lot of subjective feelings that go against the standard for spec scripts. Rather than saying 'memories fill his empty eyes' (for Sam) you could have a brief flashback of Angela.
Page 14: don't need the line 'just as Sam requested', we get that from the dialogue.
I was wondering throughout if Sam can feel Angela when he touches/kisses her, then on page 82 he tells Angela that he can 'almost feel'. Maybe this should be expalined earlier.
You use the phrase 'Sam's Mother's car' a few times and it is a bit jarring.
Jen's line: 'currently sustaining the damage of lo(o)sing her' doesn't sound natural for a teen girl.
I think the Park Montage is too wordy.
Corections:
Page 10: (O.C.) should be (O.S.)
Page 29: 'an angry sigh'
There is originality and much potential here, but I think you need to ramp up the stakes and/or comical situations.
All the best.
read -
A review of Life at the Bottom (Final draft)by latent-28 on 11/09/2011Normally I make notes as I go, but after a few pages I read this all the way to the end - which means it was a fast read with barely a typo (thumbs up for that). Yes, it's a fast read (with funny dialogue) but it took a long time for the plot to develop. There is the mention of a gun 20 pages in (Lauren & Brandon plotting) but we don't see it till page 69 when Lauren points... Normally I make notes as I go, but after a few pages I read this all the way to the end - which means it was a fast read with barely a typo (thumbs up for that).
Yes, it's a fast read (with funny dialogue) but it took a long time for the plot to develop. There is the mention of a gun 20 pages in (Lauren & Brandon plotting) but we don't see it till page 69 when Lauren points it at Ben. Ben escapes and then the action really kicks into gear from Page 80 onwards. Which means the first half of the script is mainly conversations between the guys and the women. I think you need to inject some more drama/action into the first half.
Going by the Bio, this American story is by an English writer. I'm non-American but the American characters and dialogue feel authentic, with funny American-cultural references e.g Wally and Eugene's pimp-your-ass joke.
Eugene thinking God was talking to him from the vent was funny.
I think the montage on page 14, with the mail mishaps, could be a bit tighter, or maybe break up the long paragraphs. Also some of the dream sequences seem too long (especially Ben's airport/action dream, pages 94-97 - I think half a page would be more appropriate so as not to hold up the real action).
The female character descriptions could possibly be more distinctive.
Wally appearing in his car to help Ben and Eugene seems a bit coincidental.
The FADE TO BLACK's and CONTINUED's are unnecessary.
I think the 3 page conversation between Ben and Eugene before Ben tells Eugene about Lauren's plot is unnecessary in that it halts the action.
Corrections:
Page 6: 'loose' - lose
& various times where 'in to' should be 'into' and 'what ever' should be 'whatever'
All the Best. read
Write a Comment
Submissions by latent-28
-
a screenplay by latent-28
Bonnie & Clyde imitators embark on a road race against two hicks and spin off into a crazy adventure
-
a screenplay by latent-28
Bonnie & Clyde look-alikes get hired by two hicks to race around Louisiana, but the race is a ruse and the crimes... more
Reviews by latent-28 36
-
A review of The Riddle of Rudolf Hess - Second Draftby latent-28 on 11/16/2011I've seen a few documentaries on Nazi Germany & World War II so know that there is much dramatic potential to these historical events (and I googled Rudolf Hess to get a refresher on the background). 'Alfred Horn', signified as old-man Hess (and the name Hess used in 1941 on his U.K arrival), generates intrigue and the hint of conspiracy, though this would not be apparent... I've seen a few documentaries on Nazi Germany & World War II so know that there is much dramatic potential to these historical events (and I googled Rudolf Hess to get a refresher on the background).
'Alfred Horn', signified as old-man Hess (and the name Hess used in 1941 on his U.K arrival), generates intrigue and the hint of conspiracy, though this would not be apparent in visual/film terms.
I think you should start with Spandau Prison and then flashback to Hess' birth.
The first two scenes of the vicious Fritz Hess - and the subsequent killings and beatings - are shocking and vivid. I'm assuming you made it up. That's a writer's prerogative, but having the young Rudolf murdering his own sister seems a bit blatant. In my internet search I found a mention of his sister visiting him in Spandau.
The Hess age transitions on page 23 seem gimicky. In a short space of time he ages to his 40's which is a big narrative jump, missing his important Nazi/Hitler history. Maybe have a Montage (i.e film footage) of both Hess' and the Nazi rise to power. Also, a dated year would be helpful for historical context i.e is it before or after 1939?
Hitler 'smirking with pure evil' makes it sound like a scene from a World War II action movie. Nazi Bormann is portrayed as an evil murdering monster. Nazi 'evil' was mostly deligated - which makes the Nazi leaders all the more chilling in my opinion. Thus, Boorman and Hess murdering the jewish family is shocking but such shock-value can come also come across as devilish movie villainy. I think Bormann's attack and murder of the Maid is narrative 'overkill'.
I think it would be better to say English/British rather than 'Brits'. And 'petty officer' assumes an English naval officer so I'm not sure if this is a British officer.
The first date we get is '1937', during the Norfolk scene - up to here I was assuming the period was wartime. On page 75 we jump (5 months) to 1941, but I would like dates for all inbetween scenes.
Page 63: 'Obnoxiously loud knock on the door' - maybe 'loud , intrusive' would be better.
Hitler vacationing in a concentration camp is not historically accurate.
I like the way you with having Alfred Horn claiming to be Rudolf Hess.
Corrections:
(there are quite a lot of typos/errors for a second draft, after page 37 I stopped noting them)
Page 3: and see(s)
Page 6: bartender(')s - twice
Page 7: doctor(')s
Page 11: then - than
Page 13: overlooks
Page 14: you(s)
Page 16: (O.S.)
Page 21: Rudolf(')s
Page 22: she's
Page 24: Man's
Page 28/31/32: Rudolf(')s
Page 32: eyes fixated - fixed, might be better.
Page 34: pushed - pushes
Page 34: losing consciousness(?)
Page 34: 'Alfred aims at the mother' would be better.
Page 37: there - their (twice)
There is a lot of potential to this fictionalised story of Hess and Bormann, but I'm left confused as to the motives of the main characters - why does Alfred wait until 1987 to confess his true identity (the last day of his life)? And Hess' family confession - his 'compassionate' killing of his mother and sister seems unlikely. Some of the dialogue also seems too modern. Lots of typos to correct, But it was both intriguing and a fast read.
All the best. read -
A review of The Last Week of Summerby latent-28 on 11/14/2011A ghostly love story, well written. A neat twist on 'Sixth Sense' - the ghost doesn't know they are a ghost, but here the boyfriend has to keep his dead girlfriend from discovering her ghostly reality for a week. And on that week the described dates the couple have are cute and romantic (the colorful locations described well). But you describe the script as Romance/Comedy/Drama,... A ghostly love story, well written. A neat twist on 'Sixth Sense' - the ghost doesn't know they are a ghost, but here the boyfriend has to keep his dead girlfriend from discovering her ghostly reality for a week.
And on that week the described dates the couple have are cute and romantic (the colorful locations described well). But you describe the script as Romance/Comedy/Drama, and so for me (and for a potential audience) more comedy and drama is needed. Yes the last 10 pages are dramatic but that's just ten minutes of screentime.
Some specifics:
I think you need to give surnames for Angela & Sam at the start (you have them at the very end), and some physical description (on his first appearance we get description of Sam's car but not him). Also descriptions for all secondary characters i.e. Jade and Jen are decribed, but not Sam's Mother & Brother, who don't even have first names.
There is a lot of unnecessary shooting direction ('we see', 'shaky camera', FADE IN/OUT's, POV e.t.c) and also a lot of subjective feelings that go against the standard for spec scripts. Rather than saying 'memories fill his empty eyes' (for Sam) you could have a brief flashback of Angela.
Page 14: don't need the line 'just as Sam requested', we get that from the dialogue.
I was wondering throughout if Sam can feel Angela when he touches/kisses her, then on page 82 he tells Angela that he can 'almost feel'. Maybe this should be expalined earlier.
You use the phrase 'Sam's Mother's car' a few times and it is a bit jarring.
Jen's line: 'currently sustaining the damage of lo(o)sing her' doesn't sound natural for a teen girl.
I think the Park Montage is too wordy.
Corections:
Page 10: (O.C.) should be (O.S.)
Page 29: 'an angry sigh'
There is originality and much potential here, but I think you need to ramp up the stakes and/or comical situations.
All the best.
read -
A review of Life at the Bottom (Final draft)by latent-28 on 11/09/2011Normally I make notes as I go, but after a few pages I read this all the way to the end - which means it was a fast read with barely a typo (thumbs up for that). Yes, it's a fast read (with funny dialogue) but it took a long time for the plot to develop. There is the mention of a gun 20 pages in (Lauren & Brandon plotting) but we don't see it till page 69 when Lauren points... Normally I make notes as I go, but after a few pages I read this all the way to the end - which means it was a fast read with barely a typo (thumbs up for that).
Yes, it's a fast read (with funny dialogue) but it took a long time for the plot to develop. There is the mention of a gun 20 pages in (Lauren & Brandon plotting) but we don't see it till page 69 when Lauren points it at Ben. Ben escapes and then the action really kicks into gear from Page 80 onwards. Which means the first half of the script is mainly conversations between the guys and the women. I think you need to inject some more drama/action into the first half.
Going by the Bio, this American story is by an English writer. I'm non-American but the American characters and dialogue feel authentic, with funny American-cultural references e.g Wally and Eugene's pimp-your-ass joke.
Eugene thinking God was talking to him from the vent was funny.
I think the montage on page 14, with the mail mishaps, could be a bit tighter, or maybe break up the long paragraphs. Also some of the dream sequences seem too long (especially Ben's airport/action dream, pages 94-97 - I think half a page would be more appropriate so as not to hold up the real action).
The female character descriptions could possibly be more distinctive.
Wally appearing in his car to help Ben and Eugene seems a bit coincidental.
The FADE TO BLACK's and CONTINUED's are unnecessary.
I think the 3 page conversation between Ben and Eugene before Ben tells Eugene about Lauren's plot is unnecessary in that it halts the action.
Corrections:
Page 6: 'loose' - lose
& various times where 'in to' should be 'into' and 'what ever' should be 'whatever'
All the Best. read -
A review of Suicide Shiftby latent-28 on 10/30/2011Suicide Shift review: A supernatural horror/thriller. The bridge of suicides makes this original. A sympathetic lead character in Charlotte. A brooding ambience, a plot with a build up of tension. The vivid descriptions make for excellent scene setting, but once we get into the dialogue exchanges they sometimes detract e.g. the surveillance room with the line about boy scouts... Suicide Shift review:
A supernatural horror/thriller. The bridge of suicides makes this original. A sympathetic lead character in Charlotte. A brooding ambience, a plot with a build up of tension.
The vivid descriptions make for excellent scene setting, but once we get into the dialogue exchanges they sometimes detract e.g. the surveillance room with the line about boy scouts and knotted cables; and character back stories e.g. boyhood ambitions to be astronauts; also subjective feelings e.g. 'a wave of nausea overtakes her.' This is more suited to story fiction.
Love the irony of the surveillance man killing himself and no one knowing.
Paul's description, 'a simple man with simple tastes' is a bit vague.
'TIME CUT's & MATCH CUT's are unnecessary editing terms.
On page 34, the surveillance room, Charlotte is transfixed by the sight of the ghostly pale lady then moments later she is fast asleep - it is unclear why.
There are a few loose ends at the conclusion (maybe just me):
When James was strangled (by Keith) then surely the marks would show up on his body and strangulation would be the official cause of death, not suicide by drowning.
Conversely, the Boat Captain seems certain that Theresa's cracked skull suggests a murder, but isn't it more likely that he would assume that her skull cracked when she hit the water.
At the end, Lily's ghost has 'pale sunken eyes'. So is she the pale Lady?
I may be wrong, but I've heard that some bridges has sensors to detect suicides which gets relayed directly to the police.
Corrections:
Page 12: unphased - unfazed
Page 29: 'tries to breath(e)'
Page 31: 'snaps closed' - snaps shut
Page 35: 'see(n) anything'
Page 55: 'hands slip(s) off'
Page 72: drug(?) - dragged
Page 91: breath(e)
All the best.
read -
A review of Riverwalkby latent-28 on 10/28/2011Riverwalk review. There are lots of funny bits: Lorenzo's thong, Joseph's germ phobia, the feisty Julie. The dragon boat race is exciting. But the typos and formatting errors let the script down. The errors make the read somewhat confusing e.g on Page 26 when Eliza says we 'are really really thirty' - instead of 'thirsty'. 'ing' words should be used sparingly in a spec... Riverwalk review.
There are lots of funny bits: Lorenzo's thong, Joseph's germ phobia, the feisty Julie. The dragon boat race is exciting. But the typos and formatting errors let the script down.
The errors make the read somewhat confusing e.g on Page 26 when Eliza says we 'are really really thirty' - instead of 'thirsty'.
'ing' words should be used sparingly in a spec script - in the opening Montage you have 19. Likewise camera directions (i.e. 'We') are unnecessary.
Much of the dialogue is good. I like Ray the bartender. But there are lots of overlong sentences and dialogue. For example, on page 3 Lorenzo exclaims 'no' six times, when once would be enough.
You also misuse apostrophes numerous times, and there are sentences that don't start with capitals.
Lorenzo's rival - Clark - is an interesting development, but it comes 70 pages into the script - I think he should be introduced earlier.
Corrections:
Page 1: rusteling - rustling / busteling - bustling
Page 2; 'the' should be 'that'
Page 3: 'every' should be 'ever' / 'why' should be 'while'
(I began to note the typos/misspellings, but there are so many) read -
A review of Chaosboyby latent-28 on 10/12/2011A superhero/supervillain script. This has familiar themes, intrigue and a big battle-climax. It held my attention but it was confusing at times because there are so many characters and character flashbacks (with characters referred to by different names throughout). Lot of action - effective with its bold formatting. I note elements from Watchmen (with superheroes redefined... A superhero/supervillain script. This has familiar themes, intrigue and a big battle-climax. It held my attention but it was confusing at times because there are so many characters and character flashbacks (with characters referred to by different names throughout). Lot of action - effective with its bold formatting. I note elements from Watchmen (with superheroes redefined as villains) and Batman's Dark Knight (with the bomb inside a human body), also Aliens (with the 'Queen' and her corrosive blood).
Some specifics:
On pages 3-4 the newspaper headlines are good, but there are a lot of them and so it might be better to convey that information as a voice-over. Also I would have liked more set-up on why the 'Heroes' became 'Traitors'.
Lot of good prose in the action lines. Got to admire a writer that uses the word 'exponentially'. Indeed, there are lots of effective metaphors throughout (of characters, buildings e.t.c) but some it seems excessive. Action lines could be tighter e.g. 'he neurotically eyes the device', or excluded e.g. 'you can smell the decay though the visual'.
Not get exactly how Psystige knew Indigo was underground by using his device.
On pages 27-29 I think you need a stated headline i.e 'pyschic flashback' (or some such) for the old battle in the alien obelisk.
On page 34 you don't need (no nonsense) just have Nameless say 'GO!'
Ultros appears in only a few scenes, which surprises me because he is referred to as the most powerful.
I think there are too many flashbacks.
Corrections:
Page 1: 'reduced (to) a broken'
Page 5: 'out of (a) side door'
Page 39: 'breath(e)'
All the best. read -
A review of 7 Days at the End of the Worldby latent-28 on 10/04/2011'7 Days at the End of the World' - a world-in-danger SF thriller. An intriguing opening. A nice build up of Act I tension. Antarctica is an effective location. Lots of characters. Scientists can be hard to make interesting, but we do get a slowly-revealed backstory between Elise and Mattie. A few loose ends (not sure I understood the significance of the Reactor) Here are... '7 Days at the End of the World' - a world-in-danger SF thriller.
An intriguing opening. A nice build up of Act I tension. Antarctica is an effective location. Lots of characters. Scientists can be hard to make interesting, but we do get a slowly-revealed backstory between Elise and Mattie.
A few loose ends (not sure I understood the significance of the Reactor)
Here are some nit-picks (consider or ignore, as you wish):
I notice that you have three deaths off-screen - President Manning, Elise and Carl. I think it would be more dramatic to show at least two of these on screen.
Assuming McKenney was Manning's Vice President it's odd that he would be ignorant about the alien matter - maybe you could introduce a mistrust as the reason for this.
It would make more sense (and more tension) for an alien threat to be public knowledge, thus stirring these border tensions that characters mention i.e. North/South Korea, India/Pakistan (Pakistan having nuclear weapons seems unlikely if this is the near future).
The nature of the alien threat is unclear, as the scientists discuss (and the one alien that is seen is at the very end). Perhaps the alien 'message' could be visualized. In the film 'Contact' the first message was of Hitler at a Nazi rally and that was when the US military took control (and Contact used the idea of prime numbers as you do)
G.M.T is used throughouty, but it seems unlikely that Admiral Paulson would brief the President using G.M.T (regards the nuclear blast off Israel). It would also be good to indicate the local time of this emergency White House Briefing, and the corresponding Russian briefing as well as other global events.
On page 77 it would be more dramatic to have Bobby take out a gun.
I like the set-up-story of Stanislav Petrov, but I was disappointed you did not use more of him, especially as he is now a General.
Perhaps more character development is needed for Mattie and President Manning.
The formatting is a bit offputting i.e page numbers/action too close to the top (an inch is recommended). Also perhaps more space before all the scene headings.
Page count indicates 95 minutes, and thus the finale seems a bit undercooked (these days audiences are used to explosive Third acts. And films of this genre are usually 2 hours plus.
Some corrections/suggestions:
Page 6: 'that('s) she's allowed to go grey'
Pages 13/22: Voice (O.S.)
Page 23: 'interdicted' is an unusual word 'intercepted' would be better
Page 61: 'they're' should be 'their' (occurs twice)
Page 65: ill-tempered
All the best. read -
A review of Our Heroic Deadby latent-28 on 01/07/2011I like the American-regional accents, but some of the dialogue seems overlong (e.g. Anna reading the newspaper & Father Angus sermonizing). Also, a lot of the parenthetic (if that's the right word) descriptions might be better as action lines. And there are quite a lot of 'ing' and 'ly' words. Here are some specifics: Page 1: I like the transition of Time with the flash... I like the American-regional accents, but some of the dialogue seems overlong (e.g. Anna reading the newspaper & Father Angus sermonizing). Also, a lot of the parenthetic (if that's the right word) descriptions might be better as action lines. And there are quite a lot of 'ing' and 'ly' words.
Here are some specifics:
Page 1: I like the transition of Time with the flash of lightning.
Page 2: the scene heading at the bottom should be moved to the next page.
Page 9: 'mostly empty' seems a bit vague.
Page 30: (rolling his eyes in exasperation) could just be (rolls his eyes).
Page 32: sits at (the) head of...
Page 32: "Deeds and Records"
Page 34: "St. Aloy..."
Page 36: gravesite -- one word.
Page 45: 'Gracie gives a quick scan of the front yard' could be shortened to 'Gracie scans the front yard'.
Page 47-50: You have 'Shooting Script' camera descriptions which are to be avoided in a spec script.
Page 52: alongside -- one word.
Page 53: noticed the line from 'Cool Hand Luke'.
Page 58: 'second-to-last' rites is funny.
Page 62: the rulebook says that you need description/action after a scene Heading.
Page 63: 'has so been so' seems like a typo.
I'm not a horror/zombie movie fan but the script of 'Our Heroic Dead' reminds me of Tarantino's 'From Dusk Till Dawn', with the religious undertone and character story which kicks into a gorefest. In this instance when Colonel Pickett Shaw rises from his grave.
Although it is not really my kind of thing, the zombie action and gore stuff is effectively full-on and should please horor fans. read -
A review of Stellecticby latent-28 on 11/15/2010A wild, wacky, inventive galactic escapade. I didn't think I would like this when I started (not being a fan of vampires - which was a clever red-herring), but then the plot goes intersteller. And it is a fun journey. A few points: You talk about the rayguns having ammo, which doesn't make sense. Page 8: (change to a serious tone) is unnecessary, we get that from the dialogue... A wild, wacky, inventive galactic escapade.
I didn't think I would like this when I started (not being a fan of vampires - which was a clever red-herring), but then the plot goes intersteller. And it is a fun journey.
A few points:
You talk about the rayguns having ammo, which doesn't make sense.
Page 8: (change to a serious tone) is unnecessary, we get that from the dialogue.
Page 13: Dean firing Ian seems a bit harsh.
Page 35: like the 'steampunk strumpet' line.
Page 58: misspelled 'stains'
Page 71 : 'dependently' should surely be 'dependably', or maybe you meant 'independently'.
Page 94: 'it's' should be 'its'
I think the best thing about the script is the banter and the wordplay. The characters go on an out-of-this-world adventure with a fairly ordinary bloke that gives a human angle on all things (a bit like Douglas Adams' Arthur Dent, with a bit of Serenity mixed in).
It comes across as an enjoyable series of escapades. Perhaps what is needed is a stronger plot to tie it all together. All the best. read -
A review of Ten Thousand Words - Revby latent-28 on 11/11/2010The script is well-written. The voices of the military men feel authentic. The confusion of warfare is well conveyed. The theme is a familiar one, but the tone is not preachy. Here are some specific points: Nice Transition from one wedding ring to the other & also the dropped device in the museum cutting to the warzone. Page 10; Abbreviations such as 'RPG' 'IED' should be... The script is well-written. The voices of the military men feel authentic. The confusion of warfare is well conveyed. The theme is a familiar one, but the tone is not preachy.
Here are some specific points:
Nice Transition from one wedding ring to the other & also the dropped device in the museum cutting to the warzone.
Page 10; Abbreviations such as 'RPG' 'IED' should be explained the first time they appear (like you do for ANA). Also disjointed sentences seems unnecessary.
Noticed some typos:
Page 35; best to put a hyphen in 'custom-made'.
Page 65; 'others pats'.
Page 69; 'he disappears out' would be better as 'he leaves' or 'he goes out'.
In summary, a simple idea that is effectively done. The ending is touching (and not as downbeat as I was expecting). Might need to add more scenes for a feature film.
The power of an image comes across. It brings to mind the famous photo of he 'Afghan girl' of the early 8o's. All the best. read
Comments About latent-28 31
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snony on 11/25/2011
Hey,
Thanks for the review of Champion. Your thoughts will be helpful in the rewrites.
Best
Tony -
Revale on 11/11/2011
Congratulations on being the featured screenplay. Good job and you deserve it. -
BLSibub on 11/09/2011
Thanks very much for your review of Life at the Bottom. I'm glad you found it funny. You make some good points that I will bear in mind for any future re-writes.
Thanks again and good luck with your own writing. -
ProfRedSweater on 10/31/2011
Thanks for the review of "Suicide Shift"! I was trying something new with the description/action writing on this script, a lot of people like it, but I think it will need pulling back in certain areas. Definitely something I'll look at in the rewrite.
Cheers,
Alex -
Michael Keller on 10/27/2011
Thanks for the insights! -
Rfordyce on 10/20/2011
Hi latent
Thanks a lot for your review of 'Famous Frank', and for the useful comments.
I did wonder about the plausibility of the advert becoming a media hit when I wrote the first draft. But out of 23 reviews over several drafts so far, you're the only one who's really majored on it. I think with today's media, the trends are so transitory and erratic that anything's possible. But I understand your point.
By the way, bingo and lottery winnings are exempt from tax in the UK.
Thanks again and good luck with your own works,
Richard -
Revale on 10/11/2011
Just wanted to say again how much I enjoyed The Louisiana Escapade. I feel bad about all the nitpicky stuff I commented on but after the depiction of Cajuns in Adam Sandler's WATERBOY, we're a teeny bit sensitive down here.
You're a good writer and the script was a great read. Keep up the good work. -
cswood on 10/05/2011
Thanks a ton for your review of Easy Money. I couldn't disagree with anything you said, but it's a first draft so as far as first drafts go I'm glad you didn't outright hate it. Keep up the reviews! -
Shook on 10/04/2011
Many thanks for the read/review of 7 Days. It IS an early draft and I will certainly take your thoughts into consideration before the re-write.
Best to you!
S -
RafaelSouza on 01/26/2011
Better later than never:
Thank you for your review of "Hell Without You"! I'll address your notes in a future rewrite.
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Comments About latent-28 31
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Hey,
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Congratulations on being the featured screenplay. Good job and you deserve it.
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Thanks very much for your review of Life at the Bottom. I'm glad you found it funny. You make some good points that I will bear in mind for any future re-writes.
+ more commentssnony on 11/25/2011
Thanks for the review of Champion. Your thoughts will be helpful in the rewrites.
Best
Tony
Revale on 11/11/2011
BLSibub on 11/09/2011
Thanks again and good luck with your own writing.