LBates88

by LBates88 on 08/01/2011

"This Earth That Holds Me" has a LOT of potential. Your writing is wonderful. The descriptions are very good and your dialogue is right on the mark. The story is also good, but drags quite a bit in the middle. I understand that the focus of the story is the relationship between Ames and Cleburne, but some of those scenes really drag. I think if you interspersed them a... read

Review of "Dig"

A review of Dig (Ver. 2)

by LBates88 on 07/29/2011

First the good, Dig is well written. There were no annoying spelling or grammar issues and the formatting was fine. Your action/horror sequences were done well. However, I didn't find the story or characters very engaging. The concept was average. I felt it was your basic, run-of-the-mill, bad spirits seeking revenge story. There was nothing new there. The story was... read

A Good Time

A review of EARTHSHAKERS

by LBates88 on 07/16/2011

It's going to be hard to make 100 words, because there's not much wrong with it. Earthshakers reads extremely well. Very smooth. It was a good take on the "enemies must become friends to survive" theme with a little "mother can't let go of son". The world itself was nicely painted. I had no trouble immersing myself in it or connecting with the characters. I particularly... read

Review of "Things We Have Done"

A review of Things We Have Done

by LBates88 on 07/02/2011

I'm going to give you the notes I jotted down as I was reading. I don't usually do this, but in this case, it's the best way of showing how I felt while reading. The opening and the entire Act I are good. Really good. I knew exactly what and who I was dealing with. The action was good, the characters were interacting well and then we got to the caverns and I have this... I'm going to give you the notes I jotted down as I was reading. I don't usually do this, but in this case, it's the best way of showing how I felt while reading.

The opening and the entire Act I are good. Really good. I knew exactly what and who I was dealing with. The action was good, the characters were interacting well and then we got to the caverns and I have this note on Page 44, "Getting bored. Where is this going emotionally? I'm starting not to care." I need something more between Crafton and Pete. A stronger emotional tie, but I kept reading. I still was interested in where this was going. On page 64 I have, "Still don't care. Waiting for some kind of emotional hook." Then on page 67, when they reach the wife's house and Crafton tries to release Pete I have, "I dunno, I just don't buy that they're connected that strongly. I haven't been given a reason for Pete to stay. Something's missing".

Then I got to the flashback of Crafton's son's death on Page 85. This was where I realized what was not working. First, you HAVE to name the son. Crafton would NOT say "my son". He would say "Me, Penelope, and Steven" - or whatever you want to name him. I really needed the son's name and never got it. And then the kicker on page 87. First, I don't have children, but I have friends who do. One with a girl the same age as Crafton's son. There is no way in HELL a father would kill his own child that quickly. Sorry, that's just not gonna happen. I don't care that he's a doctor and may very well realize it's futile. His reaction would be to send his wife for help and PRAY TO GOD FOR A MIRACLE.

With that said, I propose this. First, don't have Crafton kill his own son. It's just not believable. How about they make it to the hospital and an intern screws up (or Crafton thinks he/she screwed up, when they really did everything possible), his son dies and Crafton kills the intern in his overwhelming grief. He'll go to jail for that, easy. Then, have Crafton reveal to Pete why he was in jail earlier in the story. This would create sympathy from Pete AND the reader. He killed the person he blamed for his child's death. The reader may or may not feel that the killing was justified, but it will definitely invoke sympathy/empathy for Crafton. This has to be revealed before they get to the caverns or I don't have a reason to care about Crafton, Peter or their relationship.

The rest of my notes are just trivial things:
Page 52 - I really liked the car countdown. This worked well for pacing.

Page 58 - SHY EMPLOYEE can be just EMPLOYEE. She's extremely minor. Her being shy or not doesn't matter.

Page 84 - Middle of the page, Crafton says "I just didn't seem him." I think you meant "I just didn't see him".

I know I kinda ripped it apart above, but it DEFINITELY has potential. I did keep reading and it didn't fall apart for me personally until Page 87. You write very well. The descriptions are excellent and the dialogue of each character sets them apart from one another. The big thing for me was Crafton killing his injured son so quickly. That just really didn't work for me. I haven't read the other reviews yet (obviously). I hope I'm not the only one who says this. read

Good Writing, Story Needs Work

A review of Devils In The Wind

by LBates88 on 06/18/2011

First the good. You obviously know how to write. It wasn't a chore to read and I didn't need to push myself to turn the pages. The action sequences are well done (something I have almost no experience writing, so kudos). The setup was really good. It gets right into the heart of the matter and I knew exactly what the story was gonna be about. Now, for the bad. I like... read

Great Story

A review of Paschal's Wager

by LBates88 on 06/11/2011

This is just an excellent screenplay. The different time periods and the jumping back and forth are handled well. I didn't get lost once. I love the theme. Although it's hard for me to articulate here, I totally get it. Your use of the debate in 1950's as a backdrop for the character's histories and their futures is amazing. I liked the juxtaposition of Jean's experience... read

Wow

A review of 13-Romeo

by LBates88 on 05/30/2011

This was a well-executed script and story. The plot was solid and the character development was excellent. I got a little confused at the beginning with the introductions of all the characters, but I only had to re-read once (not a big deal). I loved how you used flashbacks to give background information. They were well utilized and timed. The closing scene in the cemetery... read

Not Terribly Original, but Ok None The Less

A review of The Ancient Guardians: The Ashal

by LBates88 on 05/07/2011

Concept: Below Average. Story: Average Character: Average. Dialogue: Average Overall: Average The concept was not very original. There’s some Narnia, Golden Compass, and Terabithia here with a dash of Harry Potter. That being said, a story doesn’t have to be original to be enjoyed and I did enjoy it. Just a few things I want to mention about the story: 1. I would have... Concept: Below Average.
Story: Average
Character: Average.
Dialogue: Average
Overall: Average

The concept was not very original. There’s some Narnia, Golden Compass, and Terabithia here with a dash of Harry Potter. That being said, a story doesn’t have to be original to be enjoyed and I did enjoy it. Just a few things I want to mention about the story:

1. I would have liked more background on Malum Res. I think adding more scenes that show us his history and the history of The Guardians would make the story more rounded.

2. There’s never any mention of the adults being alarmed when Devraj and Ankita disappear – I kept wondering what their parents were doing back home. Surely a search party or something would be launched.

Technical stuff:
Intentions, what characters are thinking or anything that the audience can’t see or hear should not be described in the screenplay. They should be implied through action or revealed in dialogue. There are several places where this is done incorrectly. For example, on Page 10 you state “Ankita intends to ‘borrow’ a watercraft to do research…”. You mention right before that they’re sneaking around, so we know they’re not supposed to be there. Besides, the purpose of taking the watercraft is revealed in dialogue directly below.

Another example is on page 27, when they met Father Sharma. You write “Devraj and Ankita jump when he speaks. They didn’t know he was aware of their presence.” The second sentence is unnecessary. You’ve already stated they jumped and the audience can’t see or hear what they “didn’t know”.

You developed the relationship between Devraj and Ankita beautifully based solely through their actions and dialogue without ever saying “He realizes he loves her” or “She begins to have feelings for him beyond friendship”, so I know you know how to do that. Apply that technique to the above two examples…I hope this helps.

Check your CONT’s. I found several places where it wasn’t needed and vice versa.

I look forward to a revision. read

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LBates88

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snony on 08/07/2011

Shorn on 07/25/2011

AlCielo on 07/23/2011

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Submissions by LBates88

Reviews by LBates88 16

Comments About LBates88 13

snony on 08/07/2011

Shorn on 07/25/2011

AlCielo on 07/23/2011

Gary Mark Lee on 07/16/2011

Gary Mark Lee on 07/14/2011

AlexandraJade on 07/03/2011

Bennett Rea on 07/02/2011

Bennett Rea on 06/28/2011

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