a screenplay
by LBelch
An Iraqi war veteran who suffers from extreme post traumatic stress disorder escapes from the mental hospital where... more
LBelch
member since 10/21/2008 |
last login 06/19/2012
2 feature lengths under my belt. Number 3 in the works. About a hundred ideas rolling around in my head....
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Bio
2 feature lengths under my belt. Number 3 in the works. About a hundred ideas rolling around in my head.
Submissions by LBelch
Reviews by LBelch 29
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A review of Into the Woodsby LBelch on 11/09/2009I enjoyed your story immensely, although the title is the same as a well known play, not that that matters very much. Your main character is very well formed, and believable. Your style of writing reminds me very much of the movie "A Christmas Story", and I kept picturing Ralphie from the movie as your lead boy. The only thing I would consider working on is giving your main... I enjoyed your story immensely, although the title is the same as a well known play, not that that matters very much. Your main character is very well formed, and believable. Your style of writing reminds me very much of the movie "A Christmas Story", and I kept picturing Ralphie from the movie as your lead boy. The only thing I would consider working on is giving your main character a bit more of a reason to brave the woods alone. It seems to me that just being bored wouldn't be enough to send him traipsing into a world he seems afraid of. I could see expanding this by 5 or so pages, and adding some interesting meat. Also, perhaps consider letting him come face to face with one of the beasties he's so afraid of and conquering it. read -
A review of LIBERTYby LBelch on 09/25/2009Logline: Very well done. Grabs my interest and instantly made me want to know more. The fact that it’s based on a true story is a bonus. Notes as I read: “got us a runaway nigger” – what a compelling opening line. It hit my stomach like a rock. I still can’t believe only 150 years ago we were so cruel. I’m hooked. OK, I was totally invested in Malachi, rooting for him... Logline: Very well done. Grabs my interest and instantly made me want to know more. The fact that it’s based on a true story is a bonus.
Notes as I read:
“got us a runaway nigger” – what a compelling opening line. It hit my stomach like a rock. I still can’t believe only 150 years ago we were so cruel. I’m hooked.
OK, I was totally invested in Malachi, rooting for him to get away. Nice twist having Josiah catch him. But, I personally would have rather seem Malachi stand up for himself and die trying to get away then just crawl back home. Just my opinion.
$50 for the preacher, but $1200 for the girl? Is that true to life? Kind of threw me a little. I could see $500 maybe, I don’t know…
Not really buying this is the first time Josiah decided he wanted to have Ellen. It’s hard to believe he would suddenly decide to rape her. If he wanted her, wouldn’t she just capitulate anyway? You’ve set this up so far to show he’s got all the power, that probably includes the right to have sex with his slaves if he chooses. Just kind of took me out of the moment.
Again, having Josiah knock the laundry out of Ellen’s hands and drag her off just strikes me as wrong. Just my gut feeling.
I think the character of Josiah needs some work. You have him acting as the situation dictates, rather then true to his character. What I mean is you show him giving money to William, and giving William an entire day off every week. Then you have him raping Ellen. It’s too extreme from one to another. Either he’s an asshole or he isn’t, but I have difficulty believing he can be one way with William and another with Ellen. Comes across as inconsistent
The upside down paper is a nice touch.
Minor typo on pg 39 Cephas says “I’m gonna do some sewin’ today”. Should be sowin’
It threw me a little to have Josiah figure out so fast that Ellen was on the train. How did he make that connection?
William strikes me as a very self aware person, but I don’t feel like we have a clear picture of how he thinks of himself. The other slaves have made a big deal out of him being the “good” slave. How does he feel about himself?
If Van Zandt knew Ellen was pretending to be a man, why didn’t he turn her into the ships Captain to be detained?
Pg 78 “Was that cussin’ or prayin” – Great line!
Love William’s frog sermon. So funny.
Love the mob scene where they toss Josiah overboard. Hate that he lands on the paddlewheel. Feels overdone. A large splash would be fine, maybe with an alligator to greet him since you’ve already established they are in the water there.
The Ellen/William love scene is, sorry to say, atrocious. Please consider rewriting it.
Overall:
Very nice, easy read. Good characters who seem real and are easy to get behind and root for. Biggest thing I think needs some polish is the Ellen/William love story. For me, I never believed they were “falling” in love, it seemed like it just all of a sudden happened. I would like to have seen more development there. Maybe a scene or two at the maroon camp where they dance together or something. Other then that. Great job!
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A review of Alamo Recordsby LBelch on 09/14/2009Notes as I read: Very intriguing opening. I love the 80s, this has real promise! Laughed out loud at John trying to cover his pot smoking in front of the girl and her parents. I could see him squirm. And having him blow it directly on them. Perfect. The Stu/Miggs exchange feels a little awkward and on the nose. Why is Miggs there if they aren’t friends? Kaitlin’s character... Notes as I read:
Very intriguing opening. I love the 80s, this has real promise!
Laughed out loud at John trying to cover his pot smoking in front of the girl and her parents. I could see him squirm. And having him blow it directly on them. Perfect.
The Stu/Miggs exchange feels a little awkward and on the nose. Why is Miggs there if they aren’t friends?
Kaitlin’s character is excellent, nice work there.
Tommy’s character intro on pg 9 needs to be in caps, an age might be nice too. Wait, I just realized this is Tommy Shaker, I didn’t make that connection.
I’m still not clear on the Stu/Miggs relationship. I would have liked a little background on why they hang out together even though they don’t seem like they should be good friends.
Also, I’m up to pg 15, and haven’t really identified the central conflict. Maybe it doesn’t matter, because it’s been an entertaining read, but someone looking for the standard format would probably complain that nothing’s really happened yet.
I just occurred to me these are still relatively young kids, recent HS grads, wouldn’t they at least have had to have told their parents they’re going to be gone for awhile? What if their parents report them missing?
I’m right at midpoint, and here’s my thoughts so far. Entertaining, but not gripping. Some good moments, but the overall backbone needs structuring. I would like to see the characters explored more in depth. The Shaker/Cheryl subplot could really be expanded on. Miggs is a well written, consistent character. Stu needs some work. Stu is pretty muddy as a character, he’s just along for the ride, so to speak. I’d focus on him in the next rewrite and really show us why we should care about him.
Aqua Net! Ahh, the memories….
Kelly’s speech on pg 79 “you’re a good guy, you can do better then me” is really corny. I would rethink that one.
The Tommy/Greg sing off comes off a little wimpy. I’d rather see the band choose Tommy for a better reason then he can hit the high notes.
OK, second half of the script has really picked up.
A GAY strip club!! LOL. I did not see that one coming….
I love Mr. Andre, another superbly written character (warhol dies when I say he dies!) LOL
Small typo on pg 107
He flips the switch, and out in the Inner Sanctum, hundreds
of balloons and mountains of fall from the ceiling.
Mountains of what?
Ok, this:
Sheriff Luke bends over and slaps his exposed ass, as Randy
and Bud roll their windows down and flip the cruiser off.
Is a visual I HAVE to see!!!
I love it, Cheryl came. I wanted to see that. Very satisfied viewer here.
Overall:
This is a very good script. The second half is much more solid then the first however. Which is bad for obvious reasons. My suggestions would be to focus on the first 60 pages to polish the snot out of them. You get the first half to read as excellent as the second, and I’d just about guarantee you a sale. Great concept, excellent execution. Very, very funny and original.
read
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Submissions by LBelch
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a screenplay by LBelchAn Iraqi war veteran who suffers from extreme post traumatic stress disorder escapes from the mental hospital where... more
Reviews by LBelch 29
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A review of Into the Woodsby LBelch on 11/09/2009I enjoyed your story immensely, although the title is the same as a well known play, not that that matters very much. Your main character is very well formed, and believable. Your style of writing reminds me very much of the movie "A Christmas Story", and I kept picturing Ralphie from the movie as your lead boy. The only thing I would consider working on is giving your main... I enjoyed your story immensely, although the title is the same as a well known play, not that that matters very much. Your main character is very well formed, and believable. Your style of writing reminds me very much of the movie "A Christmas Story", and I kept picturing Ralphie from the movie as your lead boy. The only thing I would consider working on is giving your main character a bit more of a reason to brave the woods alone. It seems to me that just being bored wouldn't be enough to send him traipsing into a world he seems afraid of. I could see expanding this by 5 or so pages, and adding some interesting meat. Also, perhaps consider letting him come face to face with one of the beasties he's so afraid of and conquering it. read
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A review of LIBERTYby LBelch on 09/25/2009Logline: Very well done. Grabs my interest and instantly made me want to know more. The fact that it’s based on a true story is a bonus. Notes as I read: “got us a runaway nigger” – what a compelling opening line. It hit my stomach like a rock. I still can’t believe only 150 years ago we were so cruel. I’m hooked. OK, I was totally invested in Malachi, rooting for him... Logline: Very well done. Grabs my interest and instantly made me want to know more. The fact that it’s based on a true story is a bonus.
Notes as I read:
“got us a runaway nigger” – what a compelling opening line. It hit my stomach like a rock. I still can’t believe only 150 years ago we were so cruel. I’m hooked.
OK, I was totally invested in Malachi, rooting for him to get away. Nice twist having Josiah catch him. But, I personally would have rather seem Malachi stand up for himself and die trying to get away then just crawl back home. Just my opinion.
$50 for the preacher, but $1200 for the girl? Is that true to life? Kind of threw me a little. I could see $500 maybe, I don’t know…
Not really buying this is the first time Josiah decided he wanted to have Ellen. It’s hard to believe he would suddenly decide to rape her. If he wanted her, wouldn’t she just capitulate anyway? You’ve set this up so far to show he’s got all the power, that probably includes the right to have sex with his slaves if he chooses. Just kind of took me out of the moment.
Again, having Josiah knock the laundry out of Ellen’s hands and drag her off just strikes me as wrong. Just my gut feeling.
I think the character of Josiah needs some work. You have him acting as the situation dictates, rather then true to his character. What I mean is you show him giving money to William, and giving William an entire day off every week. Then you have him raping Ellen. It’s too extreme from one to another. Either he’s an asshole or he isn’t, but I have difficulty believing he can be one way with William and another with Ellen. Comes across as inconsistent
The upside down paper is a nice touch.
Minor typo on pg 39 Cephas says “I’m gonna do some sewin’ today”. Should be sowin’
It threw me a little to have Josiah figure out so fast that Ellen was on the train. How did he make that connection?
William strikes me as a very self aware person, but I don’t feel like we have a clear picture of how he thinks of himself. The other slaves have made a big deal out of him being the “good” slave. How does he feel about himself?
If Van Zandt knew Ellen was pretending to be a man, why didn’t he turn her into the ships Captain to be detained?
Pg 78 “Was that cussin’ or prayin” – Great line!
Love William’s frog sermon. So funny.
Love the mob scene where they toss Josiah overboard. Hate that he lands on the paddlewheel. Feels overdone. A large splash would be fine, maybe with an alligator to greet him since you’ve already established they are in the water there.
The Ellen/William love scene is, sorry to say, atrocious. Please consider rewriting it.
Overall:
Very nice, easy read. Good characters who seem real and are easy to get behind and root for. Biggest thing I think needs some polish is the Ellen/William love story. For me, I never believed they were “falling” in love, it seemed like it just all of a sudden happened. I would like to have seen more development there. Maybe a scene or two at the maroon camp where they dance together or something. Other then that. Great job!
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A review of Alamo Recordsby LBelch on 09/14/2009Notes as I read: Very intriguing opening. I love the 80s, this has real promise! Laughed out loud at John trying to cover his pot smoking in front of the girl and her parents. I could see him squirm. And having him blow it directly on them. Perfect. The Stu/Miggs exchange feels a little awkward and on the nose. Why is Miggs there if they aren’t friends? Kaitlin’s character... Notes as I read:
Very intriguing opening. I love the 80s, this has real promise!
Laughed out loud at John trying to cover his pot smoking in front of the girl and her parents. I could see him squirm. And having him blow it directly on them. Perfect.
The Stu/Miggs exchange feels a little awkward and on the nose. Why is Miggs there if they aren’t friends?
Kaitlin’s character is excellent, nice work there.
Tommy’s character intro on pg 9 needs to be in caps, an age might be nice too. Wait, I just realized this is Tommy Shaker, I didn’t make that connection.
I’m still not clear on the Stu/Miggs relationship. I would have liked a little background on why they hang out together even though they don’t seem like they should be good friends.
Also, I’m up to pg 15, and haven’t really identified the central conflict. Maybe it doesn’t matter, because it’s been an entertaining read, but someone looking for the standard format would probably complain that nothing’s really happened yet.
I just occurred to me these are still relatively young kids, recent HS grads, wouldn’t they at least have had to have told their parents they’re going to be gone for awhile? What if their parents report them missing?
I’m right at midpoint, and here’s my thoughts so far. Entertaining, but not gripping. Some good moments, but the overall backbone needs structuring. I would like to see the characters explored more in depth. The Shaker/Cheryl subplot could really be expanded on. Miggs is a well written, consistent character. Stu needs some work. Stu is pretty muddy as a character, he’s just along for the ride, so to speak. I’d focus on him in the next rewrite and really show us why we should care about him.
Aqua Net! Ahh, the memories….
Kelly’s speech on pg 79 “you’re a good guy, you can do better then me” is really corny. I would rethink that one.
The Tommy/Greg sing off comes off a little wimpy. I’d rather see the band choose Tommy for a better reason then he can hit the high notes.
OK, second half of the script has really picked up.
A GAY strip club!! LOL. I did not see that one coming….
I love Mr. Andre, another superbly written character (warhol dies when I say he dies!) LOL
Small typo on pg 107
He flips the switch, and out in the Inner Sanctum, hundreds
of balloons and mountains of fall from the ceiling.
Mountains of what?
Ok, this:
Sheriff Luke bends over and slaps his exposed ass, as Randy
and Bud roll their windows down and flip the cruiser off.
Is a visual I HAVE to see!!!
I love it, Cheryl came. I wanted to see that. Very satisfied viewer here.
Overall:
This is a very good script. The second half is much more solid then the first however. Which is bad for obvious reasons. My suggestions would be to focus on the first 60 pages to polish the snot out of them. You get the first half to read as excellent as the second, and I’d just about guarantee you a sale. Great concept, excellent execution. Very, very funny and original.
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A review of Kira & the Imaginary Dinosaurby LBelch on 07/13/2009Notes as I read: Cute, cute, cute opening sequence. I especially like the knife and fork shark. Captain Blacknose is a perfect kid villain. Bina’s a boy dinosaur? I was expecting a girl… Pg 5 – Kira drops Blacknose into the water? Nope, doesn’t work for me. She should do something silly to him, like make him put on a tutu and dance swan lake or something. Feeding him to... Notes as I read:
Cute, cute, cute opening sequence. I especially like the knife and fork shark. Captain Blacknose is a perfect kid villain.
Bina’s a boy dinosaur? I was expecting a girl…
Pg 5 – Kira drops Blacknose into the water? Nope, doesn’t work for me. She should do something silly to him, like make him put on a tutu and dance swan lake or something. Feeding him to the sharks is too nasty for our 3 year old heroine.
You focus an awful lot on the food they’re eating. I hope this is important to the script otherwise I would cut some of the food references. They’re not entirely necessary.
Pg 21 – Really? A three year old watching Jurassic Park over and over. Kind of hard to believe her parents would let her, or that she’d have the attention span.
I don’t know why, but I had a real struggle with picturing a 3 year old fighting off vampires and zombies. At that age, most kids probably wouldn’t have been exposed to those kind of things. If it were me, I would focus the conflict on her vs the Big Baby. That makes perfect sense since she has to be feeling anxious about her sister’s arrival. I would play that conflict way up. Have the Big Baby puke on her or have a super stinky diaper or something more cute/funny. But that just my opinion.
Love the “new baby montage”. Very well done. You need to note “end of montage” at the end, however. Oh, wait. I thought the Montage ended after Kira’s dad started the DVD player. Usually there’s no talking in montages, just a series of images. I would move the “end of montage” up in front of the two boys asking Kira to come out and play.
Pg 35 – several things jumped out as being “wrong”. First the line “still trying to lose her baby weight and so is Tim”. This isn’t something that can be filmed, and so shouldn’t appear in the action line. If this is important to the story, it needs to be revealed through dialogue or action (like Cathy standing on a scale shaking her head the number or something). Second Cathy telling her daughter not to be a snob. As a parent, I would never say this to my kids, especially not a three year old. It’s not very nice. I would probably say something more like “you should try to make new friends” or “it’d be nice to share your sandbox”. Third, Kira saying “screw it up” totally inappropriate language for a three year old. “Make a mess” or “don’t do icky boy things” would be better.
Pg 39 – Seems like there should be a scene heading to get us from Kira’s backyard to Sam and Joey’s front door. Also, “susan kushman” should be in caps. Ditto “kurt souder”.
Pg 43 – by “shutters” do you mean “shudders”?? I’m not quite clear on what you’re trying to say here.
Pg 47 – Kurt and Susan come across as caricatures, not real people. They’re too stereotypical, and flat
Pg 52 – Dragon’s “death” scene. Very,very cute. Love it!
Pg 53 – I’d cut the Barney references. Bina is enough character all on his own. Bringing up Barney threw me out of the script and reminded me there was another, more famous dino out there. This is YOUR world, why invite anyone else in?
Overall, this is a very enjoyable read. You have some good characters, and creative situations. The biggest problem I see is that you’ve written this so middle of the road (between being aimed at kids or adults) that it never lives up to it’s full potential. I would think about what audience you’re aiming for, and then amp it up and really gear it toward that audience. I had a real problem with the ending. It was so rushed, sudden, and out of left field. If you’re going to head that direction, you need to drop more clues and let us as the audience get to know Kurt and Susan more. Kurt and Susan are your weakest characters right now, and really need to be filled out. Especially Susan, if we’re to have any sympathy for her at all, we need to see some kind of glimmer of redeeming qualities in her. This is a great start, and I feel with a few tweaks and rewrites you could have something really special. Good Luck!
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A review of Finders Keepers 09by LBelch on 05/01/2009Logline: Interesting, but needs a little work. I would focus on making it shorter and more concise. Here are the notes I made as I read: Well Done: Really good intro to Nicole, I could really visualize her from your description. Your writing strength lies in your descriptive passages they are very, very entertaining Nice twist on the end having Nicole and Vincent be in... Logline: Interesting, but needs a little work. I would focus on making it shorter and more concise. Here are the notes I made as I read:
Well Done:
Really good intro to Nicole, I could really visualize her from your description.
Your writing strength lies in your descriptive passages they are very, very entertaining
Nice twist on the end having Nicole and Vincent be in cahoots together. Also, a nice payoff with Nicole using the climbing skills she exhibited in the first scene to save herself from the fall.
Needs Work:
Dialogue reads a little stilted and unnatural, work on trying to capture the way people actually speak.
Having Nicole be pregnant, but not want the baby (subtext = abortion) is a risky move. You may automatically alienate people with this. Unless it’s central to the plot, I’d cut it.
Nicole comes across as being very dense, how could she not realize the dude in the bed was dead the first time, much less the second day??? Not until she smells something funny does she think there’s something odd about a room torn apart two days in a row?
The discovery of the money in the briefcase seems to come very late, I would recommend paring down the exposition and moving this discovery up several pages. Also, having Nicole jump right to “let’s keep the money” without any kind of moral dilemma makes her not very likeable.
Pg 31, This line doesn’t make any sense – Nicole – Whenever when you want them to be
Pg 51 – Now Nicole WANTS the baby? Why? Just b/c of the money? This issue needs to be explored/explained further.
Pg 94 – I’m a little confused. When did Vincent steal the briefcase from the police station? I think this is part of a flashback, but you should label it as such to avoid confusion.
Overall:
You have a really nice concept here. One most everyone can relate to because who hasn’t wanted to find a briefcase full of cash. You have some nice moments in here, and a decent ending with a nice twist. A few more rewrites are needed though. I would really focus on the dialogue. Also some of the action comes across as very repetitive. Overall, some nice writing but there is more work needed. My biggest problem is that I never really connected to any of the characters, so it was hard to care if they lived/died or found the briefcase. In the rewrite I would focus some more on character development, let us know what makes these people tick so we can care what happens to them. Best of luck to you. read -
A review of Ordinary Heroby LBelch on 04/27/2009The logline of this script is very intriguing. Definitely captured my interest and made me want to read more. Here are some notes I made as I read: Well Done: Wow! Phenomenal opening scene. Excellent character set up, funny dialogue, great action. Loved it!!! Loved the interaction between Ironclad and Travis. Needs Work: Pg 21 this line didn’t make much sense – “A... The logline of this script is very intriguing. Definitely captured my interest and made me want to read more. Here are some notes I made as I read:
Well Done:
Wow! Phenomenal opening scene. Excellent character set up, funny dialogue, great action. Loved it!!!
Loved the interaction between Ironclad and Travis.
Needs Work:
Pg 21 this line didn’t make much sense – “A leave a large black homeowner,30, blocks the way” -
Minor typo pg24 – Travis “than you sir”
Typo pg 28 – “Latino gags”
Pg 33 – having Lamprey actually bite off the guards’ hand seems a little excessive, just my opinion maybe she could bite his nightstick in half instead? Just b/c up until now I’ve been getting a PG13 vibe, this would likely send it over into R territory. Also, minor typo Lamprey calls UH “sweaty” where you probably meant “sweetie”. Also “thrid-person” probably meant to be “third-person”
Overall:
So much to love about this one. Definitely one of the most enjoyable scripts I’ve had a chance to read here on TS. There isn’t really much I would change. Only other things I wondered about were how these people became Metas. Not critical to the plot, just something I was curious about. Also, in the beginning Travis introduces Jason as his “nemesis” which usually means “mortal enemy” but that description didn’t seem to fit their relationship at all. Also, I would have liked a little love story developed between Travis and Frost, but again that’s not critical to the story. Dialogue was great, action scenes were interesting, characters seemed well developed and fascinating. Overall, I just loved it!! read -
A review of Pony Expressby LBelch on 04/24/2009Interesting concept and logline. The Pony Express is something most people are familiar with, but I can’t think of a movie that’s been done about it. Here are some comments I made as I read: Well done: I laughed out loud at the ad for the Pony Express Riders. Especially since it’s true to history. Pure comedy. Nice layering of the stores. We have the Johnny/Josiah/... Interesting concept and logline. The Pony Express is something most people are familiar with, but I can’t think of a movie that’s been done about it. Here are some comments I made as I read:
Well done:
I laughed out loud at the ad for the Pony Express Riders. Especially since it’s true to history. Pure comedy.
Nice layering of the stores. We have the Johnny/Josiah/ Pony Express storyline, and the telegraph lines being built. Very smoothly pieced together.
Really nice interaction between the Chief and his son. Very accurately shows the brashness of the son’s youthful passion, and the Chief’s temperate wisdome.
Excellent race between Alex and Johnny. Just the right amount of cranking up the drama, without over doing it.
Pg 41 – I really love the Chief character. Just very relatable. He’s just an average guy really trying to take care of his family. Love his “today we rejoice, we worry about tomorrow when it gets here” speech.
Pg 42-43 – Nice moment with Alex examining herself in the mirror. Makes us think she’s not as tough as she wants everyone to think. That coupled with Marv ambushing her in the next scene is very, very effective.
Nice reveal on Pg 60 that the Indians did not burn the relay station
Needs Work:
Pg 3 , 6, 15,and throughout coral/corral – coral is like a coral reef. Corral is for the animal pen. One of those funky English words.
Pg 14 – having the chief say “speak, eagle feather, my son” seems redundant. I would just have him say “speak my son”
Pg 18 – This is my first major objection. Having Alex cheat Johnny at the start of the race posed a big problem for me. Having him be so easily duped makes him seems kind of, not smart. And I think we’re supposed to like her, but this loses a lot of good will she’s garnered up until now. Personally, I’d rather see a fair race, and whoever wins, wins. If the object is to give Alex a head start, I would rather see Josiah do something that distracts Johnny and accomplishes that. I think that would be more in line with the characters you’ve established up until now. (OK, now I see on pg 23 where Josiah is supposed to be at Miller’s relay station, so that won’t work).
Pg 26, small typo – “wonder around” should be “wander around”
Pg 34 – Doesn’t $25 a week make $1200 a year, not $1300?
Pg 46 – Lucius “I’ve had more hot diners” did you mean “hot dinners?”
Pg 54 I’m a little puzzled why the hired gunman is so quick to quit when he thinks the Indians are coming. Seems to be a little out of character to me? I would think anyone hired for that line of work would expect that they would have to deal with that.
Pg 57 – Again, I’m disappointed in how you’ve drawn the character of Alex. Trying to break out of the cabin with the Indians approaching? Abandoning her friends? Just to me comes off as the stereotypical female wimpy character.
Pg 63 – Johnny calls the hourse Beat instead of Beaut
Overall:
You have a nicely crafted story that reads fast and easy. Interesting characters, and believable situations. My biggest area of concern was the character of Alex. If it were me, I would consider rewriting her to have a bit more spine. Although she came through in the end, during the course of the story she came off as 1- a cheater 2 – a wimp. I think if you gave her a bit more spitfire she’d make a much more interesting love interest for Johnny. I would also focus on developing their relationship over more of an arc during the story. It seemed to me they liked each other, but never for any apparent reason. Your dialogue was good overall, but at times it was a bit over explanatory. Best of luck to you!!
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A review of Pureby LBelch on 04/17/2009As your Blue Cat coverage aptly put it, this is a really well done screenplay Congratulations too, by the way, on your SOM nomination. Well Done: Excellent opening scene. Very visual and sets the mood very well. Really compelling moment at the bus station. Mr. Caldwell loves Pure, gives him money, but won’t shake his hand in public. So sad, and such a good way of showing... As your Blue Cat coverage aptly put it, this is a really well done screenplay Congratulations too, by the way, on your SOM nomination.
Well Done:
Excellent opening scene. Very visual and sets the mood very well.
Really compelling moment at the bus station. Mr. Caldwell loves Pure, gives him money, but won’t shake his hand in public. So sad, and such a good way of showing how it was.
When I read the Jazz VO’s, I hear Morgan Freeman’s voice.
Format is technically perfect throughout. The story moves along logically.
Needs work:
I had a small issue with the VO on pg 3 that said “sometimes life throws us a lifeline, question is do we reach out and grab it?”. It seemed just kind of jarring to me. Almost as if the VO was talking to the audience. It took me out of the scene.
Having Johnny nearly strangle Spike over the question about his wife seems a little over the top. It doesn’t really fit in with the feel of the script so far. Also, I had total sympathy for Johnny up to this point. This kind of lost some of that for me.
Small typo on pg 18. “you can’t swing a golf club if your fat” should be “you can’t swing a golf club if you’re fat”
You use some specific golf terms, like “hackers beating away” and “tops a grounder”. While this lends the script an air of authenticity, I would caution you about using too many. I had to stop and google some of these since I’m not a golfer.
Pg 55 “aint nothing worse then a nigger, is a nigger lover” would make more sense as “only thing worse then a nigger is a nigger lover”
Pg 56 – Did they really use the word “cracker” back then? That seems like more recent slang to me.
It seemed a little unlikely to me that Johnny wouldn’t have asked to borrow clubs from the Colonel once his were stolen. Why wouldn’t they have just bought some from the pro shop at the golf course? Or borrowed some?
OK, at the risk of sounding cranky, the reveal of Johnny being Pure’s Dad seems like a cheap trick. Your script is better then this. It seems so cliché and tired to me.
Gangrene doesn’t set in that fast. More likely to be tetanus from the rusty clippers.
Pg 103. This is going to come off like I’m wearing a big old pair of crankypants, but this whole section really ruined the script for me. In the space of a few pages we find out Johnny is Pure’s dad, Pure’s mama was a crackhead (why, seriously, is that important?), Johnny’s wife was preggo when she crashed, Pure’s thumbs were cut off by the bad guys, AND now his hand has to be amputated. It’s just too much. It feels forced and contrived and just does not jibe with how you’ve set up the screenplay so far.
And then the whole Pure and Dupree showdown. Way too literal. Too dragged out. Too overdone.
Overall:
Your first act is superb, beautifully written and darn near perfect. It buys you a lot of credit with the reader.
My biggest complaint is that Pure’s character felt really underdeveloped. Even though this is his story, he really takes a back seat. Johnny’s character was much more interesting and fleshed out. Pure felt very one dimensional at times, just a nice man who wants to play golf. But we never really got to know him, what makes him tick. Also, at times he comes off as being very simple minded. Like Forrest Gump who plays golf. If this was your intended effect, fine. But I think Pure is capable of more then that. In the end, it was really hard to get too excited over his loss of his hand because I was more invested in Johnny and Jazz’s characters.
I think because your first act was so wonderful, I had very high expectations for the 2nd and 3rd. You have major talent as a writer, and honestly I think you can do better. I think in the end you fell back on some cliché plot devices and tried to shock the audience with way too many major events happening.
You’ll probably want to wait for your script shark coverage before you make any major changes, but I would really encourage you to think about what I’ve said. You have a wonderful piece with so much potential, and for me it just didn’t live up to it.
Best of luck to you, I hope to see this on the big screen someday. It’s a story that deserves to be there.
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A review of Scam (Redraft)by LBelch on 03/18/2009I’ve seen your logline on the top 10 page, so I was pretty excited when it showed up in my assignment box. Your logline is concise and engaging. Well done. Just to let you know about my style of reviewing, I write my comments as I read to give you an idea of how a first time reader would react. I’ve separated them into what I liked and what I saw as needing some work.... I’ve seen your logline on the top 10 page, so I was pretty excited when it showed up in my assignment box. Your logline is concise and engaging. Well done.
Just to let you know about my style of reviewing, I write my comments as I read to give you an idea of how a first time reader would react. I’ve separated them into what I liked and what I saw as needing some work. Then I’ll sum up at the bottom.
Well done:
The visual of the marijuana being chopped into a container is a good one, and I chuckled at your description of the stoners “not seeing much natural light”
I like how when they’re all discussing the bodyguard you show two scenes, one with the guards and one without. Neat trick.. It’d be funny if “Statham” was shown visually as a big musclebound macho guy up until that point, then when Jonathan talks about how no one knows who he is you show him morphing into a skinny little accountant.
I like how you change up the standard ski mask and give the guys goofy animal masks. Unexpected and effective.
The rewind sequences work really well to get us to the next starting point. Another clever trick.
Really really excellent job showing Nuke catching Wanda “texting” and then revealing later that she’s actually copying his data.
Another nice touch with the detectives turning out to be fake. Unexpected and very effective.
I really enjoyed the Ian/Emily characters - they are fresh and interesting.
Really nice twist at the end having Nuke get the drop on everyone.
Needs Work:
Small typo on pg 3 “milk create” should probably be “milk crate”
Daz’s speech on pg 4 seems a bit expository and out of character for him as a stoner. I’d go with something shorter like “clubs got a monopoly. Won’t even let you bring your stash from home.” Then show the patrons getting patted down and having their pills confiscated.
Pages 4-6 seem kind of repetitive. You talk about the procedure more then once, I think this set up could be done once, with maximum effect, and left at that. I would trim this area down.
Also, you’ve established Daz and Steveo as stoners, but their characters seem pretty bland for this type of characterization. I think you’re missing an opportunity for them to provide some comedy. I would focus the next rewrite on their speeches and actions and really bring out their comic potential.
On pg 12 you use the word “balaclavas” I actually had to stop reading and google that to find out what it is. It may be petty, but you don’t want to give a studio reader an excuse to step away from your script either.
Minor issue, at the beginning of the story you have the title card reading “Jonathan’s Story”, then on pg 18 you just have it reading “Kelly”. I would keep them consistent throughout.
Another minor typo on pg61. You reference “several lines of explanation marks” but should probably be “several lines of exclamation marks”.
Overall:
You’ve taken the standard heist film and put your own twist on it. You’ve got some really nice elements going on here, and the script was a quick easy read (even at 127 pgs). I did feel at some points the story got a little draggy as far as the timing went. You would set up certain elements, then drop them and not come back for many many pages. I think your script could do with some trimming, and tightening up of the pacing. At times the dialoque was pretty expository too, and could use a polish. I would also liked to have seen more character development in some areas. Bottom line, you’ve got a script with some real commercial potential. I’m looking forward to seeing your next revision! Best of luck to you.
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A review of The Thin Blue Lineby LBelch on 02/24/2009You’ve done a nice job characterizing Nate in the first few pages. Your descriptions, and the actions he takes (especially pocketing dead guy’s money) really help set the kind of person he is. One thing that stood out was when the lieutenant warned Raina not to get involved with Nate. Up until this point he doesn’t seem like the kind of guy anyone would want to get involved... You’ve done a nice job characterizing Nate in the first few pages. Your descriptions, and the actions he takes (especially pocketing dead guy’s money) really help set the kind of person he is. One thing that stood out was when the lieutenant warned Raina not to get involved with Nate. Up until this point he doesn’t seem like the kind of guy anyone would want to get involved with. So having him point this out is like a giant red flag. I would cut the comment, or recast Nate as a lothario who might actually have a chance at seducing Raina.
One thing I’ve noticed, is that a lot of your dialogue seems very expository. I would do a polish rewrite focusing on really cutting the dialogue down and making it lean. Say more with less, if you know what I mean.
Also, I would really like a bit more foreshadowing in the first few pages about why Nate was disgraced. Your logline picqued my interest with this description, but I haven’t seen the payoff yet.
One problem I see is that your characters are inconsistent. You establish Raina as a kick ass cop, but then show her allowing herself to get beat up. You establish Nate as a drunk no good kind of guy. But then he spouts off psychology when comforting Raina after the attack, then a few pages later he robs the Warthog guy. Too many character can confuse the reader. I would work on keeping the character’s actions more consistent with their characterizations, if you’re going to make them have a change, then you need to show us how they slowly change. Like real people change doesn’t happen all of a sudden.
Small typo on pg 43 Nate says “you can’t you him as bait” should probably be “you can’t use him as bait”.
The handling of the subplot of Nate’s life being threatened could use a little finessing. It seem’s like something that got shoe horned in, but it could use a little more attention. The way he drops it into the conversation with Raina comes across as kind of awkward.
I really like how you flip the ending to the killer being Jason rather then Raina. That was an unexpected twist and very effectively done.
Also, the ending with the DVD to Andre and his mom and Nate and Raina ending up together was a nice touch. Especially with the flowers adding a level of subcontext.
Overall, it was an enjoyable read. I would do a rewrite focusing mainly on cutting down dialogue. Also work on the Nate/Raina relationship. Their relationship seemed very forced and awkward. I would try to smoothe it out a bit and really show the evolution of their relationship. Also, again, work on keeping the characters actions consistent with their characterizations.
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Comments About LBelch 32
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Daniel Silk on 11/17/2009
Hi Linda, I was wondering if I could take you up on your offer in the Scriptshadow Logline thread. I'd be eternally grateful to get some feedback on my first ten pages. Also, I'd be very happy to reciprocate and read your submission if you'd like. Anyway, Iet me know, but don't feel obliged I'll understand if you're too busy.
Dan -
lizzayn on 11/16/2009
Congratulations on making the Top 100 Loglines on Scriptshadow! Way to represent the 'Street! -
DavidRchmllr on 11/16/2009
Thanks very much for taking the time to review "After Two." Your comment about Dan and Charlotte's conversation after the truth is revealed is the single most consistent critism I'm getting, so I will definitely take care of that.
I also liked your idea of losing the "driving home" part of the beginning in order to shorten it.
I'm sorry you didn't seem to get the characters of Dan and Charlotte as I tried to present them--a couple who absolutely love each others company and can't resist playing with each other no matter the circumstances. You're not the only one who didn't get this, so I'm going to assume the fault is in the writing, not the reviewer.
Thanks again!
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gridlock on 11/11/2009
Way to GO Linda on all your accomplishments lately! (from the writing from the trenches thread). It's always nice to hear other people's stories. Thank you for posting, and I wish you continuing success!
JD -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 11/03/2009
Hey, thanks for reviewing NEVER BROKEN. I appreciate your time and energy, your comments, opinions, and suggestions. Have a terrific day. Tom -
gridlock on 10/30/2009
Thanks for your review of Slip away. Those were some awesome notes!
JD -
Gary Wright on 09/26/2009
Really good thoughts, Linda - thank you very much! -
Gary Wright on 09/25/2009
Hey Linda,
Thank you for reading Liberty and for your comments. I don't think anyone else has commented on the love scene between William and Ellen - but I am concerned about that part of the story, so could you elaborate a little bit? Which particular scene are you referring to, and what is it that feels off to you? It would help me a lot if you could give me some specifics to think about as I rewrite.
Much appreciated,
Gary -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 09/25/2009
Sorry I just saw that you were about done with the rewrites on it, too! Ah well. :) -
cmcloughlin1218 on 09/20/2009
To tell you the truth I had much more fun reading this than I've had watching any of those flicks, and it's not the writers fault it's usually the ghastly actresses they have play the lead. I hope my comments helped you.
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Comments About LBelch 32
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Quote
Hi Linda, I was wondering if I could take you up on your offer in the Scriptshadow Logline thread. I'd be eternally grateful to get some feedback on my first ten pages. Also, I'd be very happy to reciprocate and read your submission if you'd like. Anyway, Iet me know, but don't feel obliged I'll understand if you're too busy.
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Quote
Congratulations on making the Top 100 Loglines on Scriptshadow! Way to represent the 'Street!
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Quote
Thanks very much for taking the time to review "After Two." Your comment about Dan and Charlotte's conversation after the truth is revealed is the single most consistent critism I'm getting, so I will definitely take care of that.
+ more commentsDaniel Silk on 11/17/2009
Dan
lizzayn on 11/16/2009
DavidRchmllr on 11/16/2009
I also liked your idea of losing the "driving home" part of the beginning in order to shorten it.
I'm sorry you didn't seem to get the characters of Dan and Charlotte as I tried to present them--a couple who absolutely love each others company and can't resist playing with each other no matter the circumstances. You're not the only one who didn't get this, so I'm going to assume the fault is in the writing, not the reviewer.
Thanks again!