a screenplay
by linch
A young Brazilian arrives in America to pursue his dream of becoming the world’s best mixed martial artist, but... more
linch
member since 04/20/2003 |
last login 10/31/2012
The founder of "Visual Art Production", a low-budget, video filmmaking group, specialized in short films, music videos, and documentaries. 2007 Screenwriting Expo Screenplay Competition -- top 20%; 2007 Fade In Awards semi-finalist. Represented by Colosseum Management....
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Bio
The founder of "Visual Art Production", a low-budget, video filmmaking group, specialized in short films, music videos, and documentaries. 2007 Screenwriting Expo Screenplay Competition -- top 20%; 2007 Fade In Awards semi-finalist. Represented by Colosseum Management.
Submissions by linch
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a screenplay by linchGenres: mystery/suspenseA young man, who was abused as a child, fights his demons but when he accepts an ambiguous side job, hard-pressed... more
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a screenplay by linchA young Brazilian comes to America to pursue his dream of becoming the best mixed martial artist in the world,... more
Reviews by linch 132
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A review of Homicide Specialby linch on 05/30/2009This script suffers from flaws characteristic for beginner writers. First of all, you have to trim down the number of characters. You have too many of them, and it's difficult to develop the important ones, including your hero. As it is now, your script is twenty pages longer than it should be. The most important thing for your to do is trimming down. Trimming down dialog,... This script suffers from flaws characteristic for beginner writers.
First of all, you have to trim down the number of characters. You have too many of them, and it's difficult to develop the important ones, including your hero. As it is now, your script is twenty pages longer than it should be.
The most important thing for your to do is trimming down. Trimming down dialog, unnecessary scenes, irrelevant characters, etc. This story should be about 105 pages long. Every scene should count, every scene or dialog should move the story forward.
Don't have your characters chit chat. Get in a scene late and leave early. Keep your lines brief. Keep your characters' dialog distinctive. Focus on Joe and Mark, those are the key players. Lose a bunch of other detectives, prostitutes, mob guys.
When you write a dialog, don't have your characters talk because they don't have anything else to do. Dialog, as well as action scenes, has to have a purpose. To reveal something new about a character or to push your story forward in some way. There's plenty of your dialog "on the nose", explanatory, especially when you want to reveal some details from the murder case. But when you're not trying to deliver any info, dialog is not so bad.
Keep your pacing. Introduce your hero immediately after the murder scene, then bring you villain, and focus on these guys.
Mike knowing Galina is a coincidence and that's not good thing to have as a plot device.
pt. 30 Mike's crying. Unlikely. I see him being alone, drinking, fighting his demons, but crying is too much here.
Dire straights - Dire straits
The "tapes" issues that can compromise Russian mob is a cliche.
pg. 45 I don't think the "nose" conversation is funny and it drags for too long. What kind of cop is gonna fall for "you've got a big nose" bs?
Keep working on this. Hope this helped read -
A review of Of Wolf and Manby linch on 05/17/2009I'm a fan of the Predator-like stories and you have a pretty well executed one here. Having said that, I think that the big issue here is the concept itself. It's just overused. I really don't see a way to pitch this to agents and producers as they have probably heard and seen this idea a thousands of times. Your structure is good as well as your dialog, but it would benefit...
I'm a fan of the Predator-like stories and you have a pretty well executed one here.
Having said that, I think that the big issue here is the concept itself. It's just overused. I really don't see a way to pitch this to agents and producers as they have probably heard and seen this idea a thousands of times.
Your structure is good as well as your dialog, but it would benefit from more distinctive voices. In order to do that you'll have to develop your characters more, and that's the second issue.
Your character development is weak, especially your main character Tim. He simply lacks any depth at all. He's a man without any background, any goals, any dilemmas he needs to resolve. He just happens to find himself in a hunt with his friends and that's all we know about him.
Honestly, that doesn't bother me at all, as I'm personally for Kubrick's approach and that's -- don't put anything from your character's personal history if it's irrelevant to the story itself, but Hollywood is sucker for Syd Field's ways, and they say that a hero must have an arc, a journey and a character flaw. We don't see any of that in your hero. He's just flat.
pg. 24. Too much time passes between Dave finding himself in a pit and discovering canoe in the pit. It should be a matter of minutes not hours.
pg. 46. Screams and other sounds should read in all caps.
Take care of minor spelling and grammar issues.
It's strange that Tim and Danny never discussed who or what killed Bud.
I like the burned forest scene, it'd look good on the big screen.
pg. 79. I don't thing that having Tim talking to a lion while fighting for his life is a smart thing to do.
hope this helps. best
read -
A review of Scam (Redraft)by linch on 05/06/2009Don't sweat it over the title, I didn't mean it in a negative way. What you've got here is an intriguing story which would be very fun to watch. You obviously have some ideas about directing your own material and that's very nice, but it might present a problem should you try to shop this around Hollywood because these guys are very stubborn and addicted to Syd Field's rules...
Don't sweat it over the title, I didn't mean it in a negative way. What you've got here is an intriguing story which would be very fun to watch. You obviously have some ideas about directing your own material and that's very nice, but it might present a problem should you try to shop this around Hollywood because these guys are very stubborn and addicted to Syd Field's rules and one of them actually says - no directing instructions in a spec script.
Nevertheless, sometimes directing instructions can actually help reader to visualize a story (as in this case).
However, what I liked the most about this story is the lack of three-act structure (anybody said Syd Field?)
Your dialog is mostly good, but I can't get rid of an impression that a lot of characters talk the same way.
The thing that Jonathan buys the stupidest story of all times spoils what should be your introductory part (they can't separate drug money from the legal money in the club, so they give all the money to some guy who takes the money home and counts it and separates the drug money, then brings it back, etc.) So far it really has the atmosphere of Lock, Stock and two smoking barrels.
These guys are the clumsiest crew I've ever seen.
One technicality: avoid progressive tenses, "is standing" = "stands"
Kelly and Wanda's plan is completely insane. Two girls that they can get away with stealing half a mil worth drugs?
What's with Randel, String and Boss? Their man has just been whacked, they should be pissed, instead they act like teenagers who need to confront a school bully but they are afraid to do so.
Sharks killed the Dealer because he stepped into their territory. So, how the Dealer's crew retaliate? By playing complicated mind games. If they're capable of tailing Nuke and Three unnoticed, they are clearly the superior crew, and they can just get Nuke and Three killed. Don't see why Shark's are so tough. Boss, Randel, etc. obviously think that if Nuke kills Three, that's gonna have a major impact on Sharks. So, Three and Nuke are very important part of Shark organization. If they weren't, why would Boss, Randel and Co play mind games with Nuke in the first place?
But Boss' crew easily track Nuke and Three down, know where they live, what they do, where they go, have them taped, etc. Why don't they kill both Nuke and Three and get it over with?
Don't you think that offering stolen drugs to the same buyer is a stupid thing to do? Buyers usually work with the same people, already proven, they don't buy from unknown individuals who may be undercover cops or DEA, etc. If somebody new suddenly wants to set up a deal, don't you think the first thing they'd do is to check with their supplier?
pg. 113 Somehow Nuke doesn't look like himself in this scene. He even talks differently.
I don't like the ending. Nuke should kill Ian, Emilly and Officer, otherwise they're going to look for him. read
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Submissions by linch
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a screenplay by linch
A young Brazilian arrives in America to pursue his dream of becoming the world’s best mixed martial artist, but... more
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a screenplay by linchGenres: mystery/suspense
A young man, who was abused as a child, fights his demons but when he accepts an ambiguous side job, hard-pressed... more
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a screenplay by linch
A young Brazilian comes to America to pursue his dream of becoming the best mixed martial artist in the world,... more
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a screenplay by linchA young Brazilian comes to America to pursue his dream of becoming the best mixed martial artist in the world,... more
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a screenplay by linchGenres: crime, mystery/suspenseWhile the police are investigating human trafficking of illegal immigrants, an accountant working for a mysterious... more
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a screenplay by linchGenres: mystery/suspense, sci-fi/fantasyA scientist discovers a way to make people immortal through the stem cell technology. Tagline: Do you wanna live... more
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a screenplay by linchGenres: mystery/suspenseA suspicious wife, who hires a private investigator to tail her husband... A private eye with the gambling debts..... more
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a screenplay by linchGenres: horror, mystery/suspenseGabriel becomes a pawn in a deadly corporate and government conspiracy surrounding his targets – alleged terrorists... more
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a screenplay by linchWhen an ex-Navy Seal is approached by the CIA to eliminate a dangerous group, he becomes a pawn in a deadly corporate... more
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a short film by linchGenres: crime, mystery/suspenseThis short is part of the of the feature-length noir, currently in production for worldwide release by "Visual... more
Reviews by linch 132
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A review of Homicide Specialby linch on 05/30/2009This script suffers from flaws characteristic for beginner writers. First of all, you have to trim down the number of characters. You have too many of them, and it's difficult to develop the important ones, including your hero. As it is now, your script is twenty pages longer than it should be. The most important thing for your to do is trimming down. Trimming down dialog,... This script suffers from flaws characteristic for beginner writers.
First of all, you have to trim down the number of characters. You have too many of them, and it's difficult to develop the important ones, including your hero. As it is now, your script is twenty pages longer than it should be.
The most important thing for your to do is trimming down. Trimming down dialog, unnecessary scenes, irrelevant characters, etc. This story should be about 105 pages long. Every scene should count, every scene or dialog should move the story forward.
Don't have your characters chit chat. Get in a scene late and leave early. Keep your lines brief. Keep your characters' dialog distinctive. Focus on Joe and Mark, those are the key players. Lose a bunch of other detectives, prostitutes, mob guys.
When you write a dialog, don't have your characters talk because they don't have anything else to do. Dialog, as well as action scenes, has to have a purpose. To reveal something new about a character or to push your story forward in some way. There's plenty of your dialog "on the nose", explanatory, especially when you want to reveal some details from the murder case. But when you're not trying to deliver any info, dialog is not so bad.
Keep your pacing. Introduce your hero immediately after the murder scene, then bring you villain, and focus on these guys.
Mike knowing Galina is a coincidence and that's not good thing to have as a plot device.
pt. 30 Mike's crying. Unlikely. I see him being alone, drinking, fighting his demons, but crying is too much here.
Dire straights - Dire straits
The "tapes" issues that can compromise Russian mob is a cliche.
pg. 45 I don't think the "nose" conversation is funny and it drags for too long. What kind of cop is gonna fall for "you've got a big nose" bs?
Keep working on this. Hope this helped read -
A review of Of Wolf and Manby linch on 05/17/2009I'm a fan of the Predator-like stories and you have a pretty well executed one here. Having said that, I think that the big issue here is the concept itself. It's just overused. I really don't see a way to pitch this to agents and producers as they have probably heard and seen this idea a thousands of times. Your structure is good as well as your dialog, but it would benefit...
I'm a fan of the Predator-like stories and you have a pretty well executed one here.
Having said that, I think that the big issue here is the concept itself. It's just overused. I really don't see a way to pitch this to agents and producers as they have probably heard and seen this idea a thousands of times.
Your structure is good as well as your dialog, but it would benefit from more distinctive voices. In order to do that you'll have to develop your characters more, and that's the second issue.
Your character development is weak, especially your main character Tim. He simply lacks any depth at all. He's a man without any background, any goals, any dilemmas he needs to resolve. He just happens to find himself in a hunt with his friends and that's all we know about him.
Honestly, that doesn't bother me at all, as I'm personally for Kubrick's approach and that's -- don't put anything from your character's personal history if it's irrelevant to the story itself, but Hollywood is sucker for Syd Field's ways, and they say that a hero must have an arc, a journey and a character flaw. We don't see any of that in your hero. He's just flat.
pg. 24. Too much time passes between Dave finding himself in a pit and discovering canoe in the pit. It should be a matter of minutes not hours.
pg. 46. Screams and other sounds should read in all caps.
Take care of minor spelling and grammar issues.
It's strange that Tim and Danny never discussed who or what killed Bud.
I like the burned forest scene, it'd look good on the big screen.
pg. 79. I don't thing that having Tim talking to a lion while fighting for his life is a smart thing to do.
hope this helps. best
read -
A review of Scam (Redraft)by linch on 05/06/2009Don't sweat it over the title, I didn't mean it in a negative way. What you've got here is an intriguing story which would be very fun to watch. You obviously have some ideas about directing your own material and that's very nice, but it might present a problem should you try to shop this around Hollywood because these guys are very stubborn and addicted to Syd Field's rules...
Don't sweat it over the title, I didn't mean it in a negative way. What you've got here is an intriguing story which would be very fun to watch. You obviously have some ideas about directing your own material and that's very nice, but it might present a problem should you try to shop this around Hollywood because these guys are very stubborn and addicted to Syd Field's rules and one of them actually says - no directing instructions in a spec script.
Nevertheless, sometimes directing instructions can actually help reader to visualize a story (as in this case).
However, what I liked the most about this story is the lack of three-act structure (anybody said Syd Field?)
Your dialog is mostly good, but I can't get rid of an impression that a lot of characters talk the same way.
The thing that Jonathan buys the stupidest story of all times spoils what should be your introductory part (they can't separate drug money from the legal money in the club, so they give all the money to some guy who takes the money home and counts it and separates the drug money, then brings it back, etc.) So far it really has the atmosphere of Lock, Stock and two smoking barrels.
These guys are the clumsiest crew I've ever seen.
One technicality: avoid progressive tenses, "is standing" = "stands"
Kelly and Wanda's plan is completely insane. Two girls that they can get away with stealing half a mil worth drugs?
What's with Randel, String and Boss? Their man has just been whacked, they should be pissed, instead they act like teenagers who need to confront a school bully but they are afraid to do so.
Sharks killed the Dealer because he stepped into their territory. So, how the Dealer's crew retaliate? By playing complicated mind games. If they're capable of tailing Nuke and Three unnoticed, they are clearly the superior crew, and they can just get Nuke and Three killed. Don't see why Shark's are so tough. Boss, Randel, etc. obviously think that if Nuke kills Three, that's gonna have a major impact on Sharks. So, Three and Nuke are very important part of Shark organization. If they weren't, why would Boss, Randel and Co play mind games with Nuke in the first place?
But Boss' crew easily track Nuke and Three down, know where they live, what they do, where they go, have them taped, etc. Why don't they kill both Nuke and Three and get it over with?
Don't you think that offering stolen drugs to the same buyer is a stupid thing to do? Buyers usually work with the same people, already proven, they don't buy from unknown individuals who may be undercover cops or DEA, etc. If somebody new suddenly wants to set up a deal, don't you think the first thing they'd do is to check with their supplier?
pg. 113 Somehow Nuke doesn't look like himself in this scene. He even talks differently.
I don't like the ending. Nuke should kill Ian, Emilly and Officer, otherwise they're going to look for him. read -
A review of Face Your Fearsby linch on 08/13/2008First of all, kudos for your fast-paced writing style. It was really a fast read. I had a lot of questions throughout this script, but you answered all of them at the end. I just think that an audience might get a little frustrated during this story. Once we reach the end, it's all cleared up, but I think you need to give us more to during your story. Also, you need to set... First of all, kudos for your fast-paced writing style. It was really a fast read. I had a lot of questions throughout this script, but you answered all of them at the end.
I just think that an audience might get a little frustrated during this story. Once we reach the end, it's all cleared up, but I think you need to give us more to during your story. Also, you need to set up some logic into this "wood-world", otherwise your audience can get bored or annoyed.
My notes as I read the script:
After the great first act, it seems that you lost momentum. Your story slows down significantly.
A scary clown is a cliche.
The scene with Thumper and Bobby-Jesse doesn't ring true. If these guys want to hurt or rape Scarlett, they'd do it immediately. They wouldn't let her go.
If a jeep can go through the woods, there's a path. Why doesn't Scarlett just walk along that path? There's got to be the end of the woods somewhere.
What does Scarlett want except to get out of the woods? What are her inner fears?
pg. 49. We're in the middle of your story, and you didn't answer some important questions:
Why is Scarlett in the woods, or how did she get there in the first place? Who is threatening her? What does she want?
It seems that she doesn't remember how she got into the woods, but she remembers Lily's name. Does Scarlett have amnesia? Does she remember anything from her pre-woods life?
Now, I know you answered all of these questions at the end, but don't you think that your audience would be frustrated till they reach that end?
pg. 83. Bobby-Jesse stays unconscious the whole day. I expect him to regain consciousness at some point.
Overall, this is a good script, but I'm afraid that answering all the issues at the end won't cut it. You need to keep your audience pinned to their seats. In order to do that you need to deliver more.
best of luck with this and future projects. read -
A review of Breathing Roomby linch on 08/12/2008The main problem I had with this script was your heroine, Jude. A lot of her actions and reactions were strange. She wants to go with Bill and rob banks because she feels like a prisoner in Bill's house. You know what, sometimes I feel like a prisoner in my own house, but it never crossed my mind that I could just take a shotgun and rob some banks. Jude reaction when she... The main problem I had with this script was your heroine, Jude. A lot of her actions and reactions were strange.
She wants to go with Bill and rob banks because she feels like a prisoner in Bill's house. You know what, sometimes I feel like a prisoner in my own house, but it never crossed my mind that I could just take a shotgun and rob some banks.
Jude reaction when she discovered that Bill was robbing banks was strange. If a (normal) woman finds out that her lover robs banks, what would she do? Leave him maybe, or stay with him if she loves him too much. But on no account would she want to join him and rob banks.
pg. 28 Jude pulls out a hidden gun after she got raped? This whole scene with Crayker sounds silly. First of all, how come Jude trusts Bill so much? He's a bank robber and a liar. I really don't get it why Jude plays this game. Why don't she just go to the police after she got raped? She killed the guy in self-defense.
A small format issue: after a headline, you need at least a line of action before a dialog.
The flashback with Bill's father teaching Bill how to rob banks doesn't ring true and is completely unnecessary.
pg. 34. We learn something new about Bill. He doesn't rob banks for money. He does it because he likes planning and researching?!
Lose the flashbacks. They just repeat what has already been said, and kill your pacing.
Bill sends Jude to Crayker to have her killed. She comes back with a scar on her face, and Crayker is missing. Does Bill want to know what the hell happened there? He makes no effort to find out.
And on top of that, he lets her join the crew. That doesn't make sense at all.
Jude, Bill, and the rest of the crew just left the bank with bags full of cash, and next thing you know Jude is throwing cash around (new Mercedes, clothes, paying cash to the private investigator, etc.)
You should trim the dialog down. Lose every scene and/or dialog that doesn't move your story forward.
best of luck with this and future projects. read -
A review of The Christmas Contractby linch on 08/02/2008First of all, I want to say that I like your fast-paced writing style, but this story is so full of plot holes that I suggest you go back to the treatment. It's not about minor stuff that can be easily solved. The whole Santa - hitman concept is questionable, and I'll explain why. But before I do that, I must point out that Jack was very easily blackmailed by Hiram. What I... First of all, I want to say that I like your fast-paced writing style, but this story is so full of plot holes that I suggest you go back to the treatment. It's not about minor stuff that can be easily solved. The whole Santa - hitman concept is questionable, and I'll explain why.
But before I do that, I must point out that Jack was very easily blackmailed by Hiram. What I mean is that Hiram could give Jack at least a half of money for Kyle's job. What kind of hitman would allow somebody to treat him like this? He did the job, and got nothing. The real Jake would shoot at Hiram's knee. Hiram should make an offer Jake couldn't resist, that would make this scene ring more true.
The whole idea about Jack being disguised as Santa is so forced. Why does Jack need to enter Northbrook Mall at all? Couldn't he just kill Hiram's wife's boyfriend somewhere else? For example, follow him home or something? I just don't find this Santa masquerade convincing. The risk for Jack is too big, and there are lots of other ways to kill the boyfriend. Besides, Jack can't kill the boyfriend inside the mall, right? He has to follow him to some more convenient place, like some dark alley, etc. It looks like this whole Santa thing is forced just because you thought that it'd be a great idea to have a hitman playing Santa, and have him develop a relationship with a little girl. So you put Jack - Santa inside the mall so he could meet Natalie. Once Jake gets inside the mall dressed as Santa, he forgets why he's there in the first place. He surely doesn't seem like a man who kill the mob's chief's son and who desperately needs to get his money and leave town.
You completely lost your focus on the main plot once you put Jack into that Santa costume. Can Rodrigo and Abby meet somewhere else instead of the shopping mall? Jake finally after couple of days remembers that he's there because of the boyfriend.
Don't you think that Jack is risking too much every time he comes to work? Think about it. He comes to the mall every day, and there he puts on the Santa costume, and after his shift, Jack takes off the costume and leaves. The mob's killers already expect Jack to show up, and Jack still manages to come and go unnoticed every day. Instead of doing his job and getting out of there, Jack gets involved in a family drama without any motif.
Again, we have a man like Jack losing his cell. He's suddenly very clumsy hitman.
Hiram's wife's boyfriend is a 17-year old kid?
pg. 58. Abby hits Jack with a lamp and takes his gun? C'mon, this guy is a professional. Jack tells Natalie to pack her bags, why does he watch her hurry for the door?
Mr. Erasmus expresses nicely what is the biggest flow of this story: "Why would Jack give a shit?"
I don't expect "whack" is in vocabulary of a 9-year old girl.
Your dialog is not bad, but Jack has too many stiff and wooden lines. Examples:
pg. 9. When Jack sees the photo Hiram gave him, with Hiram's wife with another man, his question "And this guy isn't you?" is really dumb. He could say something funny like: "You look good in this photo."
"Family is a dangerous distraction."
"Convince me not to pull the trigger."
"Is that why you want people to stop hurting each other?" (it's obvious, Jack doesn't need to say it)
"Somebody saw us?" (Jack asks the cop. This kind of question makes him more suspicious.)
"Was there really a girlfriend?" (Jack says this so you can inform us about what happened to Jonathan and his girlfriend.)
You have similar names you should consider changing: Marcus and Mickey, Jimmy and Jack.
best of luck with this and future projects. read -
A review of Frosted (V.3)by linch on 07/25/2008A teenage horror concept in the vain of "Scream" is always a good one. That was good news. The bad news is that your script needs a lot of work. Whenever I watch a horror flick, I always wonder why the hell characters don't call the cops. It's the same with your story. Why didn't they leave the house or call the cops when the found a dead body? The answer is very simple...
A teenage horror concept in the vain of "Scream" is always a good one. That was good news. The bad news is that your script needs a lot of work.
Whenever I watch a horror flick, I always wonder why the hell characters don't call the cops. It's the same with your story. Why didn't they leave the house or call the cops when the found a dead body?
The answer is very simple. Because then you wouldn't have a story. And then you come up with explanation like "they don't wanna leave because they don't want to spoil their vacation."
You don't give us much about Jack. We learn his motives at the end, but I don't think that is wise. Jack just happens to be some mistake in the experiment he volunteered for. The purpose of the whole thing remains a mystery. His fascination with carrots is a bizarre detail, which surely doesn't contribute to suspense of the story. Maybe you should consider dropping this "carrot" thing.
Your characters need more depth. Otherwise, you risk to turn this into a teenage horror full of cliches and shallow characters who only run around, scream, and get killed one by one.
pg. 72 Justin holds the post, Jack pulls Justin's legs, and Justin's arm is ripped off at the shoulder. Unlikely to happen.
I didn't notice much distinction in your characters' voices.
Work on your characters, try to avoid any cliche scenes, which only purpose is to shock an audience, and you might have something here. read -
A review of Deadslingerby linch on 06/21/2008This was an extremely fun piece to read. I enjoyed it. There are areas that need some work, though. First of all, you should consider cutting down the number of characters. It's a nightmare for production, and I don't think you need them all to tell your story. You have some western movies cliche characters like Preacher, or the Kid. Well, all westerns consist of cliches,...
This was an extremely fun piece to read. I enjoyed it. There are areas that need some work, though.
First of all, you should consider cutting down the number of characters. It's a nightmare for production, and I don't think you need them all to tell your story.
You have some western movies cliche characters like Preacher, or the Kid. Well, all westerns consist of cliches, so I guess that's okay.
You didn't show us much in the first act. Hardmann is your hero, but you've spent more time introducing Bishop. They are too similar, you should make them clearly distinctive.
The best character in this story is definitely Remy. He's a hell of a guy. Work more on the Clem - Hardmann relationship.
Be consistent with your characters' names. The Man suddenly becomes the Coarse Voice.
Why would anybody give a damn if someone started killing Indians? Especially the army. They went through war with Indians, and probably killed a hundreds of them, and suddenly everybody's so upset about dead Indians. It's not like Morgan's crew robbed a bank or something.
pg. 32. How can you tell that the grave was dug out from the inside?
pg. 47. Hardmann and his crew forgot to tie up the Sheriff and his deputies? Unlikely.
You overdone this scene with Remy and Bishop shooting at the knife. It looks like a cartoon staff.
You don't need to put (FLASHBACK) in every headline, just BEGIN FLASHBACK, and at the end of the sequence END FLASHBACK.
Overall, very interesting piece, a fresh idea, great dialog. Kudos read -
A review of HOPE AND FEARby linch on 04/12/2008A lot of work needs to be done if you want this to work. I think you just need to go back to the treatment, and clarify your storyline and your hero's goals. You should cut down the number of characters, there are a lot of them that don't contribute to the story. You should cut down the scenes that don't move your story forward or reveal anything significant about characters...
A lot of work needs to be done if you want this to work. I think you just need to go back to the treatment, and clarify your storyline and your hero's goals. You should cut down the number of characters, there are a lot of them that don't contribute to the story. You should cut down the scenes that don't move your story forward or reveal anything significant about characters.
If a BLOND MAN's name is Demian, you should introduce him as Demian the first time he appeared.
pg. 19. So, James and his buddies are in the middle of a robbery, and James approaches the Dog Walker with silly explanation that they are moving a collection of very rare cars, allowing the Dog Walker to take a really good look at James' face. Doesn't look like a smart move to me.
Try to avoid similar names like James and Jerry.
"What do you do?"
"Prostitute."
Great exchange, I love it.
Your telephone conversations are not properly formatted.
pg. 42. Why is Ida telling to the unknown man that her husband was involved in money laundering? And money laundering through writing screenplays is the most ridiculous idea I've ever heard of.
Why does Ty send Damian to follow James? Aren't they supposed to work together?
James meets an unknown person, the Bartender, who tells James everything he wants to know. This pattern really starts to be annoying. Why do Ida or the Bartender tell James about Dawd?
Again, a coincidence: Paula just happens to walk into Pelican Club.
Keep working on this. Best of luck read -
A review of Picking the Fixby linch on 03/25/2008Although you have an appealing concept here, I must point out that I'm disappointed with execution. Your story is stuffed with so many characters and it's almost impossible to keep track of them all. A lot of them have similar names, which makes this even harder. Jackson, Jimmy, Johan, Johny, etc. Or Max and Mack. I've never read a screenplay with so many characters. It's...
Although you have an appealing concept here, I must point out that I'm disappointed with execution.
Your story is stuffed with so many characters and it's almost impossible to keep track of them all. A lot of them have similar names, which makes this even harder. Jackson, Jimmy, Johan, Johny, etc. Or Max and Mack. I've never read a screenplay with so many characters. It's difficult to decide who your hero is. Johan?
You keep introducing new characters in your third act, page 96, Ezra Whistler, Sandy, Sonny Esposito, Patrick Kelly, etc.
How much do you think this will raise production costs?
You just lost your plot line with all these characters. What you need to do, is focus on the clear storyline and get rid of redundant parts.
Of course, it's impossible to have distinctive dialog with this number of characters. No wander they all speak in a similar fashion.
I suggest you go back to the treatment and try to clarify your storyline, cut the number of your characters, work on your structure and I'm sure you'll come with a decent story. Keep working read
Comments About linch 14
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jeff2680 on 05/18/2009
Hey, thanks for the review of Of Wolf and Man. Appreciate it.
Jeff -
Ronnie71 on 05/10/2009
Hi. Thanks for taking the time to read 'In the Shadow of the Wolf.' Your comments about the story direction are definitely noted. I'll certainly try to put them to good use going forward :) -
Agent Cooper on 05/07/2009
Hey
Thank you for your review of Scam. Really appreciate it. Lots of good stuff to think about in there.
Thanks again -
jwest on 08/21/2008
linch wrote:jwest wrote:No problem. I look forward to seeing what you do with it. Forgot to mention - I wasn't too sure about the title. I realise it means something else, but it doesn't really give much away to me, to really entice me in. Might just be me :)
Vale Tudo means no-holds-barred in Portuguese. But you're probably right about it. It doesn't say much to people outside the MMA world. I had similar problems with titles before. I'm always open to suggestions.
Yeh, I googled it and got "anything goes." 8)
Hey, you could put some blurb in the screenplay forum board and see what others come up with, for you. Could be interesting. Ya never know.
I know, titles are tough. I find loglines and synops worse, and as for writing screenplays . . . ;-s -
linch on 08/21/2008
jwest wrote:No problem. I look forward to seeing what you do with it. Forgot to mention - I wasn't too sure about the title. I realise it means something else, but it doesn't really give much away to me, to really entice me in. Might just be me :)
Vale Tudo means no-holds-barred in Portuguese. But you're probably right about it. It doesn't say much to people outside the MMA world. I had similar problems with titles before. I'm always open to suggestions. -
jwest on 08/21/2008
No problem. I look forward to seeing what you do with it. Forgot to mention - I wasn't too sure about the title. I realise it means something else, but it doesn't really give much away to me, to really entice me in. Might just be me :) -
cinemark13 on 08/18/2008
I appreciate the review of Chimaera. So far, it's been the most useful.
Thanks,
Mark -
seniormike on 08/13/2008
Hey thanks for your review of Face Your Fears. I'm glad that it was overall enjoyable for you. All of your notes and points are well taken and understandable. 2nd act pacing seems to be a big problem here that I hope to address. Good luck with your scripts as well!
-Mike -
miriamp on 08/02/2008
I forgive you for the Jack/Jake thing. It's insignificant compared to the rest of your detailed and thoughtful review. Thanks for giving us your time and your comments. -
screenbean on 03/31/2008
Hey, thanks for reviewing INCUMBENT. You made very valid points. I've uploaded an updated version which has a much better ending which addresses many of the points you raised. Thanks again. Best, Jay.
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Comments About linch 14
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Quote
Hey, thanks for the review of Of Wolf and Man. Appreciate it.
-
Quote
Hi. Thanks for taking the time to read 'In the Shadow of the Wolf.' Your comments about the story direction are definitely noted. I'll certainly try to put them to good use going forward :)
-
Quote
Hey
+ more commentsjeff2680 on 05/18/2009
Jeff
Ronnie71 on 05/10/2009
Agent Cooper on 05/07/2009
Thank you for your review of Scam. Really appreciate it. Lots of good stuff to think about in there.
Thanks again