Loeffelholz

by Loeffelholz on 08/23/2006

I was very happy to have been assigned this script---truly one of the more legendary works on TS---and it was with great anticipation that I sat down to read it. I wasn't disappointed. "Why We Fight" is one hell of a lot of fun---written with great dash and an excellent, fully-developed sense of the absurd. The writer manages to work a number of surprises into the story as... read

"Actually, my first name is alleged."

A review of According To Plan

by Loeffelholz on 12/03/2005

I really enjoyed this read---a fast-paced, funny and startling piece, chock-full of the sort of cinematic happenstance which can be irresistible and very entertaining if done correctly. I enjoyed the through-line of the mustard bottle (French's would love the opportunity, I'm sure!). The transitions, which admittedly took a bit of getting used to, were ultimately effective... read

'Cape Fear' Redux?

A review of Lost House - revised

by Loeffelholz on 09/25/2005

This is a fairly solid thriller; Act I is nice and tight, and the dramatic action escalates at a good pace. Jeffrey is VERY creepy; his villainy, particularly early on, is quite effective. The writer does a good job of putting the audience in the situation, which gives the piece a nice sense of momentum. The sense of a family in chaos, and a wild situation unfolding, is... This is a fairly solid thriller; Act I is nice and tight, and the dramatic action escalates at a good pace. Jeffrey is VERY creepy; his villainy, particularly early on, is quite effective. The writer does a good job of putting the audience in the situation, which gives the piece a nice sense of momentum. The sense of a family in chaos, and a wild situation unfolding, is well-conveyed. Structure is sound, and the narrative's 'reveals' are admirably subtle. There is excellent potential here, but the material would benefit from a vigorous 'polishing.' On a first read, the script seems very similar to 'Cape Fear,' where a flawed man defends his family against a crazed individual, in which his past actions are at least partially responsible.

ISSUES: A lot of 'passive voice' in the action paragraphs stands in the way of a more smooth read.

'Unfilmables' here are similarly distracting: Pg 6 - "Drinking in everything he'd always imagined." We can't film what he's imagined (unless you include a flashback sequence). Better to just describe his expression, etc. Pg 17 - "There's clearly some ice in the air between Will and Frank." Unfilmable. Show, don't tell. Pg 17 - 'looks like an ex cop"; do they ALL look alike? Pg 23 - "trying not to scream"; can't film it. Pg 26 - "fights off anger"; ditto. Also, pg 34 - "furious, but trying to maintain composure." This problem runs through the script, and will hurt you with a pro/studio reader.

Dialogue: Scattered monologues throughout could easily be trimmed by at least 10%.

Character stuff: Doyle/Frank byplay feels way too cute, and Doyle is over the top. Much of it seems like 'filler,' as Doyle's character has already been (over?) established. The 1st encounter between Will and Jeffrey could be better defined, and the way in which Jeffrey lures Will into a weird situation comes off as way too easy. The Cecilia/Jeffrey philosophy scenes don't ring true; it is difficult to imagine two strangers conversing this way . The Jeffrey/Will character exposition, p52-53, feels forced and a bit awkward. Overall, Cecilia's late fortitude demands better early set-up; otherwise, it it difficult to understand her sudden toughness.

The 'silver box,' which ably serves as a nice, traditional Hollywood 'McGuffin' without any further explanation, works well despite its familiarity.

Overall, though, a very taut and enjoyable suspense piece, with a ton of potential. I wish you all the best. read

Desolation, indeed

A review of Desolation Los Angeles

by Loeffelholz on 09/07/2005

This is a very good story, featuring excellent characterization. Sean's quiet desperation, particularly early on, is very effective. This piece examines the dark and slimy underbelly of LA with an honest and unflinching eye; the tragedy and degradation are overwhelming---the stuff of serious escalating drama, with rising stakes involving characters with whom the audience... This is a very good story, featuring excellent characterization. Sean's quiet desperation, particularly early on, is very effective. This piece examines the dark and slimy underbelly of LA with an honest and unflinching eye; the tragedy and degradation are overwhelming---the stuff of serious escalating drama, with rising stakes involving characters with whom the audience has become deeply invested. There is definitely a movie here.

As you indicate, however, it is a rough draft, and very (not "a little") long. I apologize for my delay in reviewing this, but knowing that one is facing a 146-page rough draft requires that a larger-than-usual block of time be set aside to give it the proper attention it deserves. Let me stress, though, that it WAS a very entertaining read, and offers a ton of potential.

ISSUES:

Obviously, a lot of polishing is needed. There are several line gaps scattered throughout; while the writing is often solid, formatting issues may (however falsely) convey a lack of attention to detail, which will kill you with pro/agent readers. I recommend you run Final Draft's formatting assistant before you upload your next draft. Not only will it cut length, it will tighten your script's physical presentation.

Script length: I have some suggestions. First, dialogue can be safely cut by 20-30% without losing anything valuable. Many action paragraphs include the dreaded "internalized unfilmables" which really add nothing but length. Examples: 1) "Sean instantly regrets blurting out his name." Better to simply say, "Sean frowns," since the ensuing exchange explains why Sean regrets saying his name. 2) "Daisy doesn't want to lie but she doesn't want to answer either." Better to say, "Daisy hesitates." The rest is implied by the dramatic action. Remember, your goal should be more 'blank space' on your spec script.

Similarly, there is room for an overall 'smoothing.' Example: "Lines of worry permeate her face." Better: "Her face is lined and careworn." You don't save length, but you gain conciseness and clarity.

The 'Neighborhood Meeting' sequence, IMO, can be cut completely. It is over-long, particularly the monologues, and the ensuing lesson on vigilante theory only intrudes on the plot/story you're telling. This sort of thing can be a movie in itself---in fact, it has been, many times.

The headlines about Sean's exploits seem...unlikely, in that they are too readily available, and do not include any police involvement whatsoever. If a perceived corrupt ex-cop were going around LA beating the crap out of pimps and porn hustlers, the cops would be involved on some level. Just a thought.

'NUTS AND BOLTS' STUFF: 'Tyler' morphs into 'Jenna' in the scene on pg. 40-41. Looks like a partial rewrite...? Similarly, there seems to be a short block of dialogue missing in the scene between Daisy and the Runaway on pg 52. Pg 70 - 'Neighbors' should be capitalized, since it depicts characters seen for the first time in the script.

Overall, though, there is potential dynamite here, and you are to be congratulated on some good and difficult work. There's no reason this can't be brought in at 120 pages, and it will greatly benefit your chances. Good luck with this, and with your future endeavors. Thanks for the read. read

"What do you want, a script?"

A review of On The Rebound

by Loeffelholz on 07/26/2005

Overall, this was a fun read. Eric was engaging and funny; Pedro and Kristen somewhat less so, but still very enjoyable, as we embark upon something not entirely unexplored in the realm of the Romantic Comedy: The 'square' trying to live the irresponsible lifestyle his friends expect him to live, while hilarity ensues as we observe his struggles to be someone he isn't. Like... Overall, this was a fun read. Eric was engaging and funny; Pedro and Kristen somewhat less so, but still very enjoyable, as we embark upon something not entirely unexplored in the realm of the Romantic Comedy: The 'square' trying to live the irresponsible lifestyle his friends expect him to live, while hilarity ensues as we observe his struggles to be someone he isn't.

Like "After Hours" and "Into The Night," this piece gives us the strange experiences of a straight-laced straight man, with no particularly extraordinary attributes, and hurls a series of freakish situations at him until he is forced to change his outlook. Much of what follows is quite humorous, some is disturbing, and most of it is entertaining.

However, relationships between these characters are given precious little in the way of real development, yielding instead to situational gags which give a passing laugh, but do not cast any light on where these characters are coming from...thus, some of the eccentric (and idiosyncratic) characters end up as under-utilized---which is a shame, as many of the violent types are also very interesting...perhaps moreso than the purposefully bland protagonist. I believe I would have preferred more intrusion by these figures, completely hi-jacking Eric as he works out his inner conflicts.
There is some overwriting in the action paragraphs, as we are expected to 'see' what some of the characters are thinking. Example: "Her gullibility fuels his creativity." Better to simply show how the situation develops, and let the audience make up their own minds.

ISSUES: Dialogue is a major factor. I would trim, overall, by at least 20%. Do the 'read out loud' test. If it works, keep it. If not...lose it.

Ultimately, this piece leaves us more or less where we expect to be left, which may or may not be a liability. It does not break any remarkably new Rom-Com territory, but neither does it disappoint to a radical degree. It is fun, but I would hope for more, in the way of relationship drama...and surprise. Give us a better sense of why Eric's relationship with Kaylin is justified as the material's climax. read

"God will judge you and your heathen ways."*

A review of The Rez

by Loeffelholz on 07/19/2005

Wow! What a great pleasure, to read such a well-polished piece of screenwriting craft. This is obviously a labor of love; it shows on every page. The writing is crisp, and as tightly-wound as a fine Swiss watch---the piece benefits greatly from a simple, straightforward story, which is very effectively broken up by a carefully-restrained use of what has become overdone,... Wow! What a great pleasure, to read such a well-polished piece of screenwriting craft. This is obviously a labor of love; it shows on every page. The writing is crisp, and as tightly-wound as a fine Swiss watch---the piece benefits greatly from a simple, straightforward story, which is very effectively broken up by a carefully-restrained use of what has become overdone, IMHO, in the modern screenwriting era: the back-and-forth 'movement through time' as the narrative progresses. This one gets it just right.

I'm afraid I don't have much to offer in the way of notes. Some TS reads yield a full page (or two), but this one certainly seems to have solved the lion's share of its issues in previous rewrites, and my page is mostly blank after an initial reading. That said, and in the spirit of the piece's further development, I offer the following.

I often preach in my TS reviews about 'unfilmables' in action paragraphs (insights into characters' thoughts, 'snuck in' during action paragraphs). This one does have several instances of this. However, they are so brief, and so artfully done, that in this very rare instance they do not hurt the script's presentation---and may in fact help it. A line here, a line there, describing what a person is watching, or feeling, may break the letter of this law, but not the spirit of it, and can be easily defended as mere notes for the director. My hat is off to you for exercising such a delicate hand. I frankly don't know if I could do it. Perhaps others will 'gig' you for this; I haven't read any other reviews, obviously, but this is a very minor transgression in the grand scheme of a story well told.

The only other note would deal with some of the dialogue, specifically as it relates to arguments dealing with religion between the characters. One example would be *, as indicated above. Would a childhood friend actually say this to another? I can't really say, but it is a rare moment when spoken words don't seem natural to the ear. Another would be Simon's mother, (loudly) quoting: "For the cross is foolishness for those who are perishing..." Certainly only a personal opinion on my part, though...

Congratulations, Peter, on some extremely competent and engaging work. This would be an ideal (and thrifty!) production for an 'indie' producer---or you!---to shoot. I wish you all the best; you surely deserve it. Thanks for the experience. read

Challenging

A review of Self Portrait in a Straw Hat

by Loeffelholz on 07/18/2005

This is very challenging material. There is a lot to like here: some humorous content dealing with several awkward adolescent moments which seemed very familiar to me (having lived through 'an awkward adaptation from puberty to adulthood' myself), a protagonist who comes off as likable (if not easily understood at any point), and a dawning sense of awareness as the piece draws... This is very challenging material. There is a lot to like here: some humorous content dealing with several awkward adolescent moments which seemed very familiar to me (having lived through 'an awkward adaptation from puberty to adulthood' myself), a protagonist who comes off as likable (if not easily understood at any point), and a dawning sense of awareness as the piece draws to a conclusion.

That said, I think a generous amount of development will be needed before this is ready for professional or agent readers. When you send it to these people, you will want to be putting your best foot forward. They are, in a very real sense, the real-life counterpart to your Mrs. Taylor, who never really 'got' what Hunter was trying accomplish in his writing. I must confess that I think I know how Mrs. Taylor felt.

ISSUES: The script feels very abstract, somehow, and lacks a cohesive structural skeleton to hold up the events as they are detailed. Without such a structure, the back-and-forth chronology, present-time reality (and fantasy) interspersed with near-future fantasy (and reality) is problematic, and comes off as 110 minutes of the painted celluloid you describe at several points in the piece. IMHO, you should better define Hunter's feelings about his situation in a clearly discernable Act One. I am not sure that merely following the above-noted awkward adaptation is sufficient motivation for a character in a feature film, although he certainly has no shortage of self-imposed obstacles to overcome.

The overall tone of the piece is erratic; at points it reads like a children's fantasy story, but drops the f-bomb around indiscriminately. Perhaps you should explore the comedic aspects more thoroughly.

Dialogue needs a lot of work, and could easily be reduced b 40%. Example: "That is horrifically untrue." Would anybody actually say that? Maybe, but it is distracting. Do a 'read out loud' test with some actors, or even a few friends. You will probably find that it seems jarring and excessive.

Action paragraphs are a little overdone, too: "...some rap playing that is exceeding the quality of his speakers." Better to say something like, "music plays very loudly on a poor-quality system." It's shorter, and keeps us moving to the next thing.

Minor notes:

One classroom scene is extremely 'reminiscent,' not to say 'derivative' of "A Christmas Story"---i.e., the imagined vs real reaction of the teacher to his homework assignment.

The painted celluloid stuff: Interesting, and possibly useful to what you are trying to accomplish, but overwritten: "A dark purple dot...that seems out of place and lost stays almost in the same spot, afraid to move." You cannot possibly film that a dark purple dot is 'afraid to move.'

Similarly, on p. 31, when Hunter takes a gun, puts the barrel in his mouth and "tastes steel and oil." This can't be filmed. Remember that a script is a story told with pictures, and that you cannot film thoughts, tastes, etc.

NUTS AND BOLTS STUFF: Spelling and word usage need a serious clean-up. This stuff is easy to get right, but impossible to overcome if it is still wrong when read by people who count.

Overall, there is some real promise here. You clearly have ambition, passion, something to say and the energy to say it. I would recommend reading some successful scripts of this type (some of your indicated 'Favorites' would be excellent choices) and see how they accomplished their goals. I would also recommend some of the usual suspects: Syd Field, Robert McKee, and several very helpful books on screenwriting. I wish you all the best in your endeavors. If you make it before I do, throw me a few crumbs... :)

Good luck, and keep at it! read

"...a sudden ray of sunshine..."

A review of Horatio

by Loeffelholz on 07/09/2005

This is a delightful story, well told; a quick and enjoyable read which engages the audience immediately. This piece has 'Disney' written all over it. Small town Americana, complete with Frank Capra-style characters and a bow tie-perfect happy ending. I would highly recommend this script to anybody who has had a rough day at work, a fight with his/her spouse, or is just... read

Oy Vey!

A review of J-Daters

by Loeffelholz on 05/20/2005

This one is a challenge---mainly because Sarah is such a plucky and appealing protagonist, and I did so enjoy watching her move through this piece, and also because the overall ethnic charm was very winning. There is something here, but... Dialogue could easily be trimmed by 30% without really losing anything. Add more subtext, and resist the temptation to make your characters... read

"Just some truck driver..."

A review of Hell On Wheels

by Loeffelholz on 05/10/2005

Wow. This is a really great story, told with skill; a thrilling look at an eerily (and uncomfortably plausible) scenario for an already-nervous post-9/11 United States---and, incidentally, a F*****G GREAT TITLE! Talk about branding potential! Milieu seems very authentic, reflecting either solid research or first-hand knowledge, which is always a plus. Dialogue is natural... Wow. This is a really great story, told with skill; a thrilling look at an eerily (and uncomfortably plausible) scenario for an already-nervous post-9/11 United States---and, incidentally, a F*****G GREAT TITLE! Talk about branding potential! Milieu seems very authentic, reflecting either solid research or first-hand knowledge, which is always a plus. Dialogue is natural to the ear, and very rarely too direct. Pacing, while a bit sluggish in Act I, moves along with a healthy momentum from then on. There is supreme potential for this material to take it to the next level...

Issues:

Action paragraphs seem overwritten, to include internal character stuff (unfilmables). Example: "Many thoughts, all bad, seem to race through his mind." This is just present tense prose---rather than simple, direct description of dramatic action---and it will kill you with studio/agent readers. You can't film this, so it shouldn't be in the script. This is rampant through your piece, and I strongly urge its complete elimination. Do a read-through, and you'll see it. In addition, you include dozens of qualifiers: "seem to," "apparently," etc...these only serve to weaken and make more passive what should be an assured, forward-lunging momentum of your story...take them all out.

Character stuff: Mostly very solid, especially Joe. But Terese needs more development, so we can understand why she agrees to nuke Mardi Gras so readily. Better to make her a conspirator from the beginning, and have Joe's strength of character cause her to waver at the crucial moment.

NUTS AND BOLTS STUFF: Chariyaka, Rashidi, President Hennessy and Glenn Shaddock not in caps when introduced. Cut back on overused parentheticals; let the actors/director do their job. Lose camera direction, like; 'MOVE IN' on...

I LOVE the fact that the protagonist doesn't know what's going on until Act III. Great!

All in all, a solid effort with enviable potential. Congratulations on some good work, and best wishes to you in your continuing creative endeavors. read

TriggerStreet

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RachelKane on 08/06/2008

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RachelKane on 08/06/2008

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