Submissions by madhvi
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Reviews by madhvi
13
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Great beginning. Really pulls the reader in, and great short, sharp sentences. You maintain the suspense most of the way through and the story is well-told.
I liked the cyclical nature; in the end, we kind of go back to the beginning, which I find a disturbing but good structure for this story.
I think the one way in which this story could be improved is to rethink some of...
Great beginning. Really pulls the reader in, and great short, sharp sentences. You maintain the suspense most of the way through and the story is well-told.
I liked the cyclical nature; in the end, we kind of go back to the beginning, which I find a disturbing but good structure for this story.
I think the one way in which this story could be improved is to rethink some of your images and dialogue - maybe to prolong it slightly. At the moment, it’s very much like movie horror - which is cool - but it uses maybe too many borrowed / clichéd images and I think some fresh descriptions of how he feels, the scenes around him, maybe even hints of the thing inside him, would make everything seem more vivid and real, and therefore more horrifying.
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This was a swift and easy read; it kept my attention all the way through.
I like the time-setting; the way sexism, racism and class differences are depicted as well as the details of the clothes they wore (the silk handkerchief fluffed it in a jaunty way) and of the date itself. It struck me as familiar in a filmic way.
From the first line, we are aware of the age / class...
This was a swift and easy read; it kept my attention all the way through.
I like the time-setting; the way sexism, racism and class differences are depicted as well as the details of the clothes they wore (the silk handkerchief fluffed it in a jaunty way) and of the date itself. It struck me as familiar in a filmic way.
From the first line, we are aware of the age / class difference between them and their different attitudes towards each other. And his character / home-life and potential violent streak are nicely developed. Her character, as seen through his eyes, is also nicely done.
In some ways, I felt that the story was almost too swift - I would have liked to see a bit more dialogue, which would slow it down a bit in places and would give a sense of her character removed from his reported perception of her, and could be an additional source of humour (I forgot to mention I did find the story darkly humourous in places) in highlighting the gap between them.
The most interesting thing about the story for me was the relationship between the girl and her parents, especially the mother. The fact that nobody interupped while she was getting raped and that she was not a virin struck a very sinister note. It would be interesting to see this aspect of the story expanded on slightly. At the moment, it's very subtle and the story follows a more or less straight trajectory. Maybe the story could be deepened if there was more power-play between the girl and the boy (man!) so we would question a bit more who really is in control (the girl, her parents, him, his parent???) ??
Hope that makes sense!
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I thought this was a clearly written coming-of-the-age story.
You introduce a note of horror in the first line, that keeps the reader hooked - we know something bad is going to happen, and are just waiting for it with dread...the way you bide your time until you get to the main episode is skilful. It is has a slow, summery feel to it and captures the little joys of childhood,...
I thought this was a clearly written coming-of-the-age story.
You introduce a note of horror in the first line, that keeps the reader hooked - we know something bad is going to happen, and are just waiting for it with dread...the way you bide your time until you get to the main episode is skilful. It is has a slow, summery feel to it and captures the little joys of childhood, like catching fireflies.
Because of all this, I was a little disappointed when we finally got to the bit where she goes into the barn with her uncle. I think this was mainly because the story changed at that point into something that was more about her and her brother, rather than her innocence and childhood being spoiled. The character of Robert is fascinating, but not much is said about him beforehand even though he eventually ends up playing a major role (I like that he goes to the war afterwards though).
I also felt a bit annoyed at your main character as I thought she was too passive - she follows her uncle into the barn very easily and seems resigned to her fate even after the episode.
Overall I thought you had a nice writing style, however the repetition of 'everyone knows you don’t go into the barn etc' was a bit too much.
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Submissions by madhvi
No submissions (yet)
Reviews by madhvi
13
-
Great beginning. Really pulls the reader in, and great short, sharp sentences. You maintain the suspense most of the way through and the story is well-told.
I liked the cyclical nature; in the end, we kind of go back to the beginning, which I find a disturbing but good structure for this story.
I think the one way in which this story could be improved is to rethink some of...
Great beginning. Really pulls the reader in, and great short, sharp sentences. You maintain the suspense most of the way through and the story is well-told.
I liked the cyclical nature; in the end, we kind of go back to the beginning, which I find a disturbing but good structure for this story.
I think the one way in which this story could be improved is to rethink some of your images and dialogue - maybe to prolong it slightly. At the moment, it’s very much like movie horror - which is cool - but it uses maybe too many borrowed / clichéd images and I think some fresh descriptions of how he feels, the scenes around him, maybe even hints of the thing inside him, would make everything seem more vivid and real, and therefore more horrifying.
read
-
This was a swift and easy read; it kept my attention all the way through.
I like the time-setting; the way sexism, racism and class differences are depicted as well as the details of the clothes they wore (the silk handkerchief fluffed it in a jaunty way) and of the date itself. It struck me as familiar in a filmic way.
From the first line, we are aware of the age / class...
This was a swift and easy read; it kept my attention all the way through.
I like the time-setting; the way sexism, racism and class differences are depicted as well as the details of the clothes they wore (the silk handkerchief fluffed it in a jaunty way) and of the date itself. It struck me as familiar in a filmic way.
From the first line, we are aware of the age / class difference between them and their different attitudes towards each other. And his character / home-life and potential violent streak are nicely developed. Her character, as seen through his eyes, is also nicely done.
In some ways, I felt that the story was almost too swift - I would have liked to see a bit more dialogue, which would slow it down a bit in places and would give a sense of her character removed from his reported perception of her, and could be an additional source of humour (I forgot to mention I did find the story darkly humourous in places) in highlighting the gap between them.
The most interesting thing about the story for me was the relationship between the girl and her parents, especially the mother. The fact that nobody interupped while she was getting raped and that she was not a virin struck a very sinister note. It would be interesting to see this aspect of the story expanded on slightly. At the moment, it's very subtle and the story follows a more or less straight trajectory. Maybe the story could be deepened if there was more power-play between the girl and the boy (man!) so we would question a bit more who really is in control (the girl, her parents, him, his parent???) ??
Hope that makes sense!
read
-
I thought this was a clearly written coming-of-the-age story.
You introduce a note of horror in the first line, that keeps the reader hooked - we know something bad is going to happen, and are just waiting for it with dread...the way you bide your time until you get to the main episode is skilful. It is has a slow, summery feel to it and captures the little joys of childhood,...
I thought this was a clearly written coming-of-the-age story.
You introduce a note of horror in the first line, that keeps the reader hooked - we know something bad is going to happen, and are just waiting for it with dread...the way you bide your time until you get to the main episode is skilful. It is has a slow, summery feel to it and captures the little joys of childhood, like catching fireflies.
Because of all this, I was a little disappointed when we finally got to the bit where she goes into the barn with her uncle. I think this was mainly because the story changed at that point into something that was more about her and her brother, rather than her innocence and childhood being spoiled. The character of Robert is fascinating, but not much is said about him beforehand even though he eventually ends up playing a major role (I like that he goes to the war afterwards though).
I also felt a bit annoyed at your main character as I thought she was too passive - she follows her uncle into the barn very easily and seems resigned to her fate even after the episode.
Overall I thought you had a nice writing style, however the repetition of 'everyone knows you don’t go into the barn etc' was a bit too much.
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By lucky coincidence I was assigned this after just having reviewed another one of your stories (Sweet Willie). I see that you've returned to the character of Mac, to an episode that takes place later on in his life, which is interesting...
The story describes a small incident, and is very subtle. It's told effectively from an interesting point of view and maintains the reader's...
By lucky coincidence I was assigned this after just having reviewed another one of your stories (Sweet Willie). I see that you've returned to the character of Mac, to an episode that takes place later on in his life, which is interesting...
The story describes a small incident, and is very subtle. It's told effectively from an interesting point of view and maintains the reader's sympathy with Mac, even though he is 'the dirty old man'.
Our understanding of Mac, his relationship with Emma and his life is informed by little tidbits of information spread throughout the piece which tell us a lot without overlong explanations.
Well done!
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I enjoyed this story; its biggest achievement is the way it manages to convey so much over the course of just one telephone conversation and in less than 2000 words.
The dialogue is brilliant, just by listening to the words, grammar and sentence constructions, we get a complete picture of who these people are and what their lives have been like. I especially like the names...
I enjoyed this story; its biggest achievement is the way it manages to convey so much over the course of just one telephone conversation and in less than 2000 words.
The dialogue is brilliant, just by listening to the words, grammar and sentence constructions, we get a complete picture of who these people are and what their lives have been like. I especially like the names of the characters; Sweet Willie, Sharkey, Fat Jimmy, Art the Barber.
The dialogue feels authentic and has a rhythm to it, which is why it's easier to notice when there's a glitch in that rhythm. For example, when Mac says "He'd slouch like Groucho Marks and run up behind those Jewish girls promenading along Thirty-third Street—they wore skirts then, no jeans—give 'em a Hugh Hebert's woo-woo...” the bit where he explains that they wore skirts seems out of place and more for the benefit of the modern reader than something he'd genuinely put into a sentence to his friend.
In the first paragraph, I would also get rid of 'as Sharkey put it' as it disturbs the tightness of your style.
The ending is effective as we get to see Mac with Emma - who was previously mentioned in the story - and get an idea of the change in his life and the way that he has departed from his old friends. It's a bit sad, but has a kind of completeness to it.
A few typos, but there's nothing else I can say apart from well done!
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I liked the concept of this screenplay. For some reason it reminded me of What Women Want - I could definintly imagine something like this hitting the big screen.
However, I think for a RomCom it needs to be funnier and more romantic. Some bits were very funny, but it needs a lot more comedy - and a bigger emotional punch.
The character of Nash is good - and I like the fact...
I liked the concept of this screenplay. For some reason it reminded me of What Women Want - I could definintly imagine something like this hitting the big screen.
However, I think for a RomCom it needs to be funnier and more romantic. Some bits were very funny, but it needs a lot more comedy - and a bigger emotional punch.
The character of Nash is good - and I like the fact that he is referred to as Hemingway. However, I don't think his character comes across clearly enough. What is his motivation for not wanting to write a romantic novel? Is it because he is too intellectual or too macho? Hemingway was both, and although Nash probably is too, none of these traits come out as strongly as they should. Greater comic effect would be acheived by pushig his character to the extreme. Another problem was Brian - it's almost as if he's a co-protagonist in the screenplay, especially at the beginning. The story needs to decide whether he's a secondary character or a co-protagonist because it is not clear at the moment. Personally, I think he would work better as a secondary character, in which case, his story needs to be worked out more clearly as a B plot to Nash's story. At the moment, it feels like he's hanging there as a device to get Nash to do things and for Nash to talk to. I definitly do not think he should come up with the idea to write a romance over Nash, who is supposed to be the writer, and I don't understand how he goes from scoffing at a romance novel to becoming an enthusiastic expert on the topic to help Nash. Also, as it stands the Nash / Brian relationship is focussed on more than the Nash / Carrie relationship, which is not a good balance for a rom com. The character of Carrie needs work, which might develop if she were given more time.
I'm not sure that the screenplay is thematically coherent or that your investigation of romance goes deep enough. The things that Nash does (flowers etc) are all VERY standard things. Also, women watch / read these things as a form of escapism, and there is a gap between romantic fiction and reality, which you touch on, but don't get to the heart of - and especially the emotional heart of (I'm not sure if that's clear - but I think the idea of love - real versus fictive love - can be pushed further to give us a real emotional impact.) Reading, I didnt feel the 'you had me at hello' moment - probably because I didnt feel that the characters had genuinly realised something profound about love and their relationships.
The dialogue is good but can be made excellet by cutting it right down. ALL the Nash /Brian dialogues are about three times as long as they should be, as is the Carrie / Karen conversation re him cheating, as is the Carrie / Maddog conversation.
In general the stakes need to be raised, and faster - not sure I really care about the whole car situation unless it's an ultimatum (sort yourself out and be a good dad or else I'm getting a divorce because our newly divorced smarmy rich next door neighbour has been paying me a lot of attention recenlty). Also the character of the daughter could be used as a good c plot re romance - think about how this is done in 'what women want'.
Hope you found this helpful- I think this idea has a lot of potential - good luck with the re-write!
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This reads very much like a first draft of a first screenplay - so well done for finishing it, but it still needs much more re-working in order to get it to being a good screenplay. I think the concept is actually a workable one - we've all experienced that that post-uni dissatisfaction - reminds me of Reality Bites - and an English verison of this could really work.
However,...
This reads very much like a first draft of a first screenplay - so well done for finishing it, but it still needs much more re-working in order to get it to being a good screenplay. I think the concept is actually a workable one - we've all experienced that that post-uni dissatisfaction - reminds me of Reality Bites - and an English verison of this could really work.
However, as it stands, I dont think it works. I think probably the best way to go improving this would be to go back to your logline and synopsis, because all the problems are in there.
For example, the fact that Seb doesnt know who he is or what he wants is okay, but these things don't really become clear to the audience either. When you first introduce Seb, we have no idea who he is: what is he wearing, how is he sitting, what accent does he have, how does he walk, act, what is our first impression of him? True, he has an entire interior monologue that tells us about him and how he is feeling, but this is film, and we need to see things along with the voice over too (incidentally, this voiceover will take up almost 3 minutes of screen time, with only a visual of someone talking in an office - this is too long / the audience will find it boring). I know that this is partly autobiographical, but characters in screenplays are different from real people and they have to be given strong attributes, otherwise we simply do not know who they are and do not care about them. Other characters in your screenplay I think suffer from being too much of a 'type' - Seb's mum as the abandoned mum for example - throw something else in to make these other characters more intriguing so we will want to watch them and find out more about them.
Another major problem I think is that we do not care about Seb - and therefore do not care about his journey.
The dialogue tends to go on for way to long, and be 'on the nose'.
Probably the best thing to do is go back to your logline and synopsis and rework them so that they are tight and give your screenplay a definite sense of direction.
I know this is a difficult thing to do after you've finished something, but there are some good ideas here and I think the only way to do them justice is a major rewrite.
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There's a lot I like about this screenplay. The writer has a definite 'voice', the dialogue is witty, the characters original, and it entertains and holds the reader's attention.
Although I liked the writer's style in general, I wanted to ask if he was also a director? Because there a more-than-usual number of camera directions in here, which directors normally don't like...
There's a lot I like about this screenplay. The writer has a definite 'voice', the dialogue is witty, the characters original, and it entertains and holds the reader's attention.
Although I liked the writer's style in general, I wanted to ask if he was also a director? Because there a more-than-usual number of camera directions in here, which directors normally don't like as the writer is invading his/her creative space. There is also an overuse of the present continuous, which, if changed, could make the screenplay read swifter. For example: Instead of 'Edward is sitting at a window seat, staring out', change to 'Edward sits at a window seat, staring out' - I know this is pernickety, but it's just a little change you can make so it reads better.
I liked your voiceovers, especially your first voiceover - which sets up a dry, humorous tone - but I really think that you overuse them. There are some points at which I really think they ought to go – and especially towards the end, they stop being quirky, humourus bits, and turn into a method for you to simply express your character’s feelings. For example, on page 70, in Edward’s voice over, he says ‘I was hurt – hurt and miserable’ – this to me sounds lazy and in any case is not needed as the actor would convey this feeling through expression/body language etc. The rest of this voiceover – if you still want it – can simply be delivered in one line – eg. Dear God – how could this happen? I’d fallen in love with a nymphomaniac – you get the gist, my dialogue writing skills aren’t as good as yours! Also, I felt really really really cheated by your use of voiceover at the crisis when the lazy lawyers have to talk to a group of execs and don’t know what to say. I want to actually see them speak crap, squirm, and stutter here – I don’t want a voiceover - this scene has great comic potential but you chose the easy way out by going with somebody saying what happened instead of showing what happens.
The ending: this is the thing that lets the screenplay down most. Edward changes too easily – and does not seem to be forced into change to the extent that he should. I felt that you just wanted to get the thing done, and you knew what you wanted the situation to be at the end – and you just wrote a series of scenes, not necessarily connected, to get there. Therefore the story trails. What I think should happen (in my humble and subjective opinion) is that Edie gets taken to court at the same time because of her unorthodox methods and not going by the book. This would therefore force Edward into action – to use his skill as a lawyer to defend her and win her heart. (If you go for this ending, and if this gets made, I want a credit!) Also, the last voiceover of the piece lacks the wit that we saw in the first voiceover – yes, I know he’s changed, but it doesn’t have to be that cheesy – you could still make it original and witty as you do elsewhere…
Lastly, even though this screenplay is quite succinct, especially as it has a good length – I think that there is more room to cut away some flab – mostly in terms of dialogue. Even though I really liked your dialogue, some scene are too dialogue heavy and some dialogue is really not needed at all.
Good Luck!!
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Comments About madhvi 5
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Thanks for your review of Nice Boy! I appreciate the feedback.
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Hi Madhvi,
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Thanks for the review of The Barn! I've heard the comment before to cut down on the repetition, so I will look in detail into that. The passivity of the protagonist is disturbing, true, but I'm pulling that from family stories of how kids react to things (esp. in different times). The worse the situation, the less kids seem able to react to it. Fear just shuts them down. But I will look in to this as well. Thanks again!
+ more commentsYeahHi on 03/20/2011
Best,
Shauna
Suesea on 08/28/2010
Thanks for your review of Dealing with Everyday Life. I'm glad you liked it, and the suggestions you made will be helpful in the rewrite. Thanks again!
Suesea
hinge1492 on 08/26/2010