maxcrisp

Tighten

A review of 30 millilitres

by maxcrisp on 08/15/2011

This is a vignette based on a woman waking up in a hospital. The principal character has suffered serious injuries and is being treated by a number of different nurses from various parts of the world. I found it difficult to identify with the character and her situation. Her responses to her situation are non-conventional, yet there is no explanation as to why she has this... read

Death in the Family

A review of Real Men Can Cry

by maxcrisp on 07/26/2011

This is a story based on the loss of a family member. A teenage boy arrives to live with his uncle, following the death of his parents. The topic chosen here is one of grief and the way humans deal with it, focusing particularly on the male rite of passage to manhood. The story is very well staged. The writer has a clear grip on exactly what is happening at each moment, with... This is a story based on the loss of a family member. A teenage boy arrives to live with his uncle, following the death of his parents. The topic chosen here is one of grief and the way humans deal with it, focusing particularly on the male rite of passage to manhood.

The story is very well staged. The writer has a clear grip on exactly what is happening at each moment, with the precision of a director. This puts the reader at ease, knowing they will not miss a detail.

At the same time, this precision causes the reader to walk on eggshells, never able to relax and let their eyes flow over the words, for fear of missing some elegant detail. I think it was Borge's who said that in a short story, every single last thing should bear some relevance, although I am not sure that is the case here. The result is a jarring between the voice and the narrative, particularly were some elements are foreshadowed, such as the 'five days prior' and the 'new family' (I'm not happy with this latter, as were family before, I ran with the possibility that this was an evacuee before stumbling over the 'Vanhorn men don't cry'). Lastly, I was not convinced by the boy, who we discover to be 15, saying 'relieved because he knew now that Davis did not hate him, he was dealing with his own grief.'

The pacing is nice. I enjoyed the original mixture between movement and reflection. Likewise the impact of the 'heart thumping out of his chest' combined with the splashes of colour in what was until then a very non descriptive piece.

Minor quibbles: train station... you mentioned train twice, you could drop the adjective.

You start a sentence 'although there was one house..' suggesting a contrast, but a contrast to what, you had just said 'blended in,' I don't see how blending in and having the second largest house (contrasted) fits in here.

Overall, the story has a strong punch and is based on a very touching moment. My main reserve is the coordination of the voice and narrative. I think that a good read out loud may help resolve this, and possibly recording and writing therefrom, as I think a different pace would get the reader more comfortable, possibly increasing the impact of the denouement. read

Invisible Wounds

A review of Invisible Wounds

by maxcrisp on 07/21/2011

This story recounts the death of an unknown soldier during the American Civil War. Divided into two parts, the reader is given a possible explanation as to the man's death, as well as the modern relation born by the story. I enjoyed reading this story, ever curious as to where it would go. The voice is strong during the first section and I felt I placed trust in the narrator... This story recounts the death of an unknown soldier during the American Civil War. Divided into two parts, the reader is given a possible explanation as to the man's death, as well as the modern relation born by the story.

I enjoyed reading this story, ever curious as to where it would go. The voice is strong during the first section and I felt I placed trust in the narrator. The other character, however, is not developed enough for the reader to trust, and this makes the story jar in two places, firstly during the jump to the end of the week spent together and, naturally, just before the transition to the modern day.

I found the contrasts in the opening sections left an impression. Firstly the use of free indirect speech, contrasting present and past tenses, such as in the opening, "if only I could escape the noise. The booming of cannons, eruption of rifles, and screams of men and horses rolled over and into", as well a some more traditional methods, such as oxymoron, "the determined, resigned brown eyes of yet another Reb" If this does nothing else, it serves to prime the reader for the eventual shift to the future.

These, however, were not always as well crafted as they could be, e.g., "I didn't decide to leave the battle before it ended, my body did it on its own, seeking...," how about something more like: 'it wasn't me that decided, it was my body, all by itself.'

Likewise, I'm not too sure about "craved quiet the way most men crave air to breathe." I don't think we crave it unless we don't have it.

"just away from noise and death." the noise, as you do refer to the battle.

Again, the contrasts have a certain effect, but sometimes things are too abrupt and clumsy, e.g., "slow death from infection. Or of disease." You can squeeze a verb in here without lengthening the 'sentence' considerably, and what's more, the connecting 'or' creates a link to the bullet wounds, which I wouldn't imagine have anything to do with disease.

Overall, the story produces a clear and vivid image, deftly putting across the writer's idea. Some narrative construction can easily be done to bridge the gap between the soldier turning up and the decision for him to leave. In my opinion, this should be done with a view to opening up the old man's character and to further instilling the eventual irony. read

jazz man

A review of The Sound of the Night

by maxcrisp on 06/22/2011

This is a surprisingly well-written story of a musician becoming an artist. A saxophone player finally meets his match and has to rethink his approach to his passion in this well paced piece. The main strengths are the pacing and the outstanding voice. We are whisked from a good catch line, through a city walk and into a jazz club. There the reader is filled in on the musician's... read

Love from another time

A review of The Princess Annie

by maxcrisp on 06/17/2011

This romantic piece is well situated in a time where such stories of love last existed. It is a worthy and successful attempt to recreate a style that has for the most part lost favour with modern readers. The strong points in this story are its prototypical plot and the strong narrator's voice. I felt the main character take over in my mind and could be sure I was listening... read

Twist in the tale

A review of The Beautiful People

by maxcrisp on 06/16/2011

The Beautiful People is a short story written from the point of a view of a girl committed to a mental asylum, in which we eventually discover nefarious practises are being carried out. The prose is clean and fluid and the author drops in illuminating details throughout the story creating an ever-changing scenario. It's a challenge to write first-person from the point of view... read

Dragged through

A review of The Lament

by maxcrisp on 06/14/2011

The Lament is a gripping story of a character whose own painful past leads him to commit unjustified actions. This main drive is complemented by a after-life narrative describing the place to which the character was sent assumedly as punishment. The style is true to a horror genre, somewhat formal verging on convoluted. Interestingly the reader is drawn unsuspectingly into... The Lament is a gripping story of a character whose own painful past leads him to commit unjustified actions. This main drive is complemented by a after-life narrative describing the place to which the character was sent assumedly as punishment. The style is true to a horror genre, somewhat formal verging on convoluted. Interestingly the reader is drawn unsuspectingly into the narrative in the last few lines.

Once the story is under way, the narrative is strong and progressive. Enough of the plot is predictable for the reader to concentrate on what is not, allowing the pages to turn quickly. Likewise, the balance between the two settings is finely struck. The story is complete and gives the reader a sense of closure and perhaps even satisfaction, although this may be the result of the choice of topic, i.e. vigilante youth justice.

Despite the many positive aspects, there are still areas to be tweaked. Firstly, I feel the writer has tried a little too hard to broaden their vocabulary. In most cases, this merely adds to the macabre nature, but in others it leaves the reader stumped, e.g., to reinstate ones tools.

Second, some research is needed to add authenticity to the professions conducted by the main character, and to a lesser extent, the police officer. I was less than satisfied with the 'electric system.' Besides preferring 'electrical' (i.e. that which appertains to electricity), I hardly feel a lone tradesman could fit an entire school in a week, from one room. Some specific jargon and clarity would give the main character more presence. Similarly, I am sure that the police officer dialogue could be brought in line with something we might hear in reality. I understand these changes may detract from the timelessness of this story, but I think the same of the inclusion of such elements as the broken mobile phone.

Overall, I see lots of promise in the writer. The story is an solid piece, which merely needs to be give a touch of realism to bring the picture into focus. read

Karting

A review of The Underground Go-Kart Racing Association

by maxcrisp on 06/07/2011

This is a vibrant story about a race composed of colourful characters. The plot follows a single ill-fated race, aiming to explain the presence of a dead body the morning after. For me, the strong points of this story are the originality and the characters. The writer has made an attempt to create an entire world, an entire underworld, whilst attempting to borrow from a comic/cartoon... read

Know your way around town

A review of Flight 18 (revised)

by maxcrisp on 05/30/2011

This short story is one of two juxtaposed halves. From the very start we are led to believe that the main character will be forced to wait an entire morning doing nothing and being paid for it. Luckily before the reader has a chance to get bored we are taken on a whirlwind tour of LA. The founding of the main character concentrates primarily on the mood, beginning with a... read

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