MaxWatt

Oh

A review of Thy Will Be Done

by MaxWatt on 04/10/2013

I feel, if you'll excuse my French, like a right tit. I saw the picture representing the story, and I didn't bat an eye. I saw the description, I scarcely thought. Then I read the story, ignorantly it would seem, and...oh wait! This is a monologue for Arthur Conan Doyle!! Wow! This is fucking awesome!!! That's a true story. And I might add, I enjoyed it all the more for not... read

Story is Conflict?

A review of Farmer's Fury, King's Folly

by MaxWatt on 11/08/2012

Thanks for the read. I'll admit there are some promising things about this, but there's a lot I would change. First off, without meaning to sound audacious, I don't like the title. I'd imagine that most people aren't interested in farming, and might pay no mind to this story. I wasn't excited in the slightest by it. That changed after I read the first page and got a sense... Thanks for the read. I'll admit there are some promising things about this, but there's a lot I would change.

First off, without meaning to sound audacious, I don't like the title. I'd imagine that most people aren't interested in farming, and might pay no mind to this story. I wasn't excited in the slightest by it. That changed after I read the first page and got a sense of the conflict that this farmer faced in his past. So personally, I'd prefer to see a more relatable title, and overall less focus on the farming aspect, because as i say, it's a boring subject for most people. Furthermore, the whole "Kingdom" aspect didn't come across to me, except at the end, where it feels out of place.

So yeah, I like the conflict, and it's written in an engaging way.

There's not enough detail of the actions. The conflict with the character's tormentors and the fight scenes for instance, there's not enough there. This has a couple of negative effects, the first is that it feels rushed, the second that it abandons opportunities to develop characters in the way you want. The farmer just came across as malevolent to me, and lacks empathy. I could understand his reaction if the cruelty of the four boys was accentuated more, but it seems like through the one confrontation his problems with them were solved.

What's your concept? There's an opportunity to transcend some powerful message onto the reader here about their own very different life, but there isn't one. it's just about a farmer who once had some trouble. There are many directions this could be taken in. I won't spell any of them out, because this is up to you.

Lastly, your ending. Again, too little. There are a few instances where you bluntly state what has happened. The end being one example. Wouldn't it be better if the character were perplexed by the silence of the caw, and went out in a frenzy to investigate? That would create more suspense.

With more detail of the actions, less blunt sentences, and a more focused and encompassing concept, this could improve tenfold. read

Human Butchery

A review of Euphoria (Second Draft)

by MaxWatt on 06/07/2012

"Euphoria" is a story of a butcher who, seemingly infuriated by women due to issues with his ex wife, kills women on a daily basis and sells their meat to his paying customers. There are some effective techniques going on here, for instance the final line focuses the concept and disgusts the reader. Also, the way that the character is defined. It is clear that he kills women... read

Forever Human

A review of Gods In Training

by MaxWatt on 06/06/2012

"Gods In Training" by Brian C. Simerl! I'll have to be a wee bit harsh here. This story is hard to make sense of. It's a struggle to even understand what your sentences mean sometimes. The story is so full of verbiage, which at one end of the spectrum is effective to show the arrogant attitude of the character, but on the other, just feels overdone. Lay it out in a way that... read

Cannibal Babies and Encyclopedias

A review of Baker Street

by MaxWatt on 05/23/2012

Disturbing! I'll never look at babies the same way again. I love how the story goes full circle, with Clyde's last words being the same words that sparked his curiosity in the first place. Questions are answered, but not the main question that I'm sure most readers will have, which is: where did the babies come from? Why are they doing this? But that doesn't need to be answered,... read

The Music of Narrative

A review of Daisy, Daisy . . .

by MaxWatt on 05/21/2012

Brilliant! A narrative that has rhythm, that skips along to the sound of music. The sentences demand to be followed, they join together without pause, flowing and dancing along until the end. The peculiarity of it puts us inside the narrator's mind, an excellent method of character development. Is it intentional the way you make the reader wonder just why the ladybird is talking... read

Science, Religion and Life

A review of Spectrum

by MaxWatt on 05/20/2012

Hi F-ceska! And wow, I'm having trouble finding the right way to praise your story. I guess I should just say this: Have you ever been published? And has this story been published? Because it damn well deserves to be. It's concise - it kept me intrigued the entire time, which is commendable because I have the shortest attention span in the world. If there's one thing I can't... read

They Live With Us

A review of Rising Sun

by MaxWatt on 05/19/2012

An interesting narrative. It plays tricks on the reader - they're disturbed by the way in which Charlie has captured a young boy, especially with the reference to Ed Gein and the nature of Waupun. Then the concept goes deeper - we're dealing with the supernatural. The reader goes from confusion and fear to understanding. The story could do with more, though. It lacks an emotional... read

Needs Colouring In

A review of Emergency Birth

by MaxWatt on 04/24/2012

“Emergency Birth” is quite confusing to be honest. I don’t know where I am or what day it is when I read this. I think that a main focus is what’s missing from this narrative. What exactly is this character experiencing? Why? How is that relevant to her life? How does the pregnancy connect with the experience? Maybe you have all of these things established in your head already,... “Emergency Birth” is quite confusing to be honest. I don’t know where I am or what day it is when I read this. I think that a main focus is what’s missing from this narrative. What exactly is this character experiencing? Why? How is that relevant to her life? How does the pregnancy connect with the experience? Maybe you have all of these things established in your head already, but they don’t really come into focus in the story.

For the most part, the writing isn’t too bad, I can see that you’ve honed in on a style, and I believe it could materialise effectively, however, there are a few issues with the structure. For instance, good opening paragraph, it establishes a lot, however “After several minutes of driving down the lane, I suddenly felt like I needed to pull over to the side of the road” is way too slow. You can speeed stuff like this up by tweaking the structure, for instance: “Suddenly, after driving down the lane for awhile, I felt the need to pull over.” Not only does this speed it up, but it gives it more of a punch, creates excitement. Do you see what I mean? Now, there are other moments where you could be more succinct, such as “I met up with family members that have died.” (page 2) “that have died” is not needed, it is obvious that the character is in some kind of third dimension at this point. I hope you find this transferrable. There are many instances of this, it’s up to you to get the narrative moving faster.

Now, on page 2, the info you give about the character’s family is too abrupt and “on the nose”, i.e you’re cramming too much in, it’s not subtle enough. It’s not effective to bullet point the personalities of characters either, it should be a case of “showing rather than telling” and “less is more”. I’m sure you’re familiar with these.

On page 5 we learn of the baby. This should be established earlier, that way the reader knows the situation from the word go, and it is more hard-hitting when the crash happens.

Another thing, you have to be careful with your phrasing, e.g “Later that evening when I woke up, I realized that my legs seemed to be on fire” (page 5) – I actually laughed aloud at this, it’s too passive. This needs to be a sudden, heart-pounding moment, not a passing thought. It loses its effect this way.

And…that’s all! The ideas are certainly shaping up, and you have potential, there’s no doubt about that, just bare in mind the points I’ve made. read

Fantastic Fantasies

A review of Fantasies

by MaxWatt on 04/04/2012

Hey Mike. I feel very guilty about reviewing this one, as there's nothing I want to say. Personally, I think it's brilliant as it is. You build the characters very well with the dialogue, I found Dave very familiar, while Andy is a character who the reader will associate with themselves both in the sense of his social life in the pub and with his private fantasies which are... read

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MaxWatt

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Reviews by MaxWatt 134

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Wilsun on 04/10/2013

Mike Wolfson on 11/23/2012

Mike Wolfson on 11/20/2012

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Submissions by MaxWatt

Reviews by MaxWatt 134

Comments About MaxWatt 64

Wilsun on 04/10/2013

Mike Wolfson on 11/23/2012

Mike Wolfson on 11/20/2012

tishanddavid on 11/08/2012

tishanddavid on 11/05/2012

covofdark on 07/01/2012

CJForster on 06/24/2012

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