a screenplay
by mbannonb
A coder struggles to overcome his awkwardness as he woos the woman of his dreams.
mbannonb
member since 10/02/2008 |
last login 05/22/2013
Went to NYU Film, 92. Been screenwriting off and on ever since....
Bio
Went to NYU Film, 92. Been screenwriting off and on ever since.
Submissions by mbannonb
Reviews by mbannonb 79
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A review of Slumpbusterby mbannonb on 01/19/2013Slumpbuster - great title. The story might be a bit too familiar. A bit cartoony characterizations. Good they slept together by page 10. Good escalation that she is going to be the owner. Your dialogue feels a little over-indulgent. I get the sense that you're capturing some kind of regular guy ball player banter, but it goes on a bit much. You have the owner tell Judge... Slumpbuster - great title.
The story might be a bit too familiar.
A bit cartoony characterizations.
Good they slept together by page 10.
Good escalation that she is going to be the owner.
Your dialogue feels a little over-indulgent. I get the sense that you're capturing some kind of regular guy ball player banter, but it goes on a bit much. You have the owner tell Judge he's going to show his daughter, the new owner around, which puts me in a state of anticipation for that meeting, but then you go into a few scenes of ball players bantering.
The Carp, Man #1 and #2 talking about stealing, Pops, Umpire, something about British accents, there's too many to list.
I'm sure some of it is setup for later stuff, but you've deviated too far from the spine of your story; Cat and Judge.
Your story has us anticipating Cat and Judge getting together. That's what has us engaged. We're asking us ourselvs, how is that going to work? They have great sex, will they be able to move beyond that? How is the professional aspect going to play out. And son.
The interpersonal conflicts you touch on don't look like they'll contribute to the larger story, ie. the points of anticipation I mention above. Look to have them make things more difficult for Judge. More obstacles to the goals he has as a ball player as well as a lothario. As is, they come across as either directionless fun or general interpersonal conflicts.
You also need to be more selective in your choice of dialogue. It comes across as characterizations that go on too long. Shoot for a few good one liners and move on.
By the time you get to Cat and Judge formally meeting on page 35, it's a little to late. I hate to be a page pedant, but you've got a broad, mainstream romantic comedy and what happens on what page is critically important in that arena. I'd cut whatever I can to get what happens on page 35 on page 25.
PETE
That reminds me.
(to Judge)
Have you seen my Jimi Hendrix ball?
JUDGE
Yeah, I did, in your office. It’s
dope--
PETE
No, I mean, after-- I haven’t seen it since you were in my office.
JUDGE
Oh?
Funny. Nice added complexity.
CAT
It’s a caper, how interesting.
Don't have Cat comment on the storytelling. Takes me out of the story.
MUSIC fades in: Sixpence None the Richer’s "Kiss Me"
Why would you put that in there? Adds nothing.
They bond over the music? Seems a bit young for them.
I took her comments about firing him seriously. Given his performance, it seems his job would be in jeopardy. Given that,
I'm not sure why they're acting like love struck teenagers.
Standard screenwriting adage; enter the scene as late as possible and leave it as quickly as possible. This gets to meat of the scene and keeps things moving. The dirty carnie scene should be a quarter of a page at most. Consider applying this adage to every scene.
MUSIC fades in: think, Three-6 Mafia’s "Ass and Titties" - adding music is a newbie mistake. People end up commenting on it, liking it or not liking it, wasting time giving feedback on stuff that makes absolutely no difference. It's similar to the screenwriter adding camera angles.
It's good that Judge and Cat like to get it on, but by now they should be connecting over stuff beyond music.
You know what "taint" means, don't you?
Good - Cat may have slept with Reimer. Judge is relating to her something more than a "slumpbuster". I'm anticipating her finding out she was a slumpbuster and Judge is going to have to tell her the truth.
"Cut the crap. I’ve been around baseball my whole life. I know the score. For some stupid reason I let myself..." Wasted reveal of Cat learning she was a slumpbuster. Show her getting upset so we can anticipate the grief she's going to give him over it. As is, it's a line item on a contract.
Not sure what exactly got Judge out of the slump.
The B story, the stolen baseball, eclipses the A story. This is indicative of the fact that you have underdeveloped the A story.
Having Cat and Judge get together for real at the end would be more satisfying. But you'd have to do the work to have them really fall in love. You hit a lot of the right beats towards that, but the content needs to reveal their affection for one another beyond sex.
I forget why Pete picked Judge to show his daughter around. If you set that you in a plausible way, disregard this comment. read -
A review of The Cheerleaderby mbannonb on 12/27/2012Has a good wish fulfillment element; unpopular guy being wanted by two aggressive girls instead of being the aggressor. The hot chick does his fighting for him against the douchebag jocks. Has a nice, simple conflict that is easy to understand and low budget. Clean formatting and writing style. Realistic dialogue. You get to the conflict/premise quickly. Not sure about... Has a good wish fulfillment element; unpopular guy being wanted by two aggressive girls instead of being the aggressor. The hot chick does his fighting for him against the douchebag jocks.
Has a nice, simple conflict that is easy to understand and low budget.
Clean formatting and writing style. Realistic dialogue.
You get to the conflict/premise quickly.
Not sure about opening and closing with commentary about filmmakers. Didn't add anything for me. Heard it before and it slowed down the pacing just enough to warrant not including it. We already get they're typical nerdy types but not uber nerdy types.
Dennis, the protagonist, is too passive. Things keep happening to him. He needs to be in action instead of always reacting. Thus, the real hero seems like Julie, who is out to save him.
In Fatal Attraction, there was much more at stake to protect; the Douglas family, Michael Douglas' career, and finally, his life. What you have at stake is Dennis' potential relationship with Julie. At some point it becomes Dennis life is at stake, and that is good, but you need to escalate towards it. It might be difficult to find such things for a high schooler, but you can find something. She could ruin his college application. His savings for college.
In Fatal Attraction, they really cover everything before trying to kill each other. (Stalking, phone calls, pregnancy, restraining order, etc). And most of the movie is him trying to stop her from ruining his life. Yours is Julie trying to stop him from sleeping with Amanda so that Dennis will pick her. I'd consider modeling it more closely after Fatal Attraction as a way of making your script more engaging.
You also have an element of mystery; who is this girl and what is she really up to? But that is underdeveloped and nothing really comes out until the full reveal at the end. Consider offering more sizable chunks of reveals about Amanda, info that is real cause for worry, along the way. Also consider having Dennis learn of her evil plans and have him try to stop her.
As is, she kills the football team and he drops his cellphone in response. That response seemed like it would be more in character for a damsel in distress. Get him in action. When the hero is in action and we're empathizing with him, we're in anticipation; hopeful, fearful, etc. When the hero only reacts, we may empathize but only at the level of "bummer".
There are a lot of films to explore and study that have similar themes. SwimFan turns up on google with the search term "high school fatal attraction". It's a timeworn theme, perhaps too timeworn, but to explore it fully is a good exercise. Look for a new angle to bring to it as well, otherwise, I don't think the market will be too open to your script.
Finally, the message of the film as presented by the final reveal, how they met, seems off. Basically, Dennis is being punished for being a good Samaritan, extending a bit of kindness and sympathy to Amanda years ago when she desperately needed it. I don't think that works. A hero being punished for good deeds really only appeals to the most cynical and fearful people, people who are always looking for an excuse to isolate themselves, protect themselves and not try. Consider another direction. People will feel better about it.
Good job and good luck. read -
A review of Last Chance Saloon (Rev.)by mbannonb on 12/25/2012I don't have much to contribute to your script other than to say, good job. Great how you button every scene with a joke at the protagonists expense. He is at odds with reality, and you drive that point home in a fun way that has us stick with him regardless. It reminded me of Dumb and Dumber in that sense. I would make the Butcher a little more present in a threatening... I don't have much to contribute to your script other than to say, good job.
Great how you button every scene with a joke at the protagonists expense. He is at odds with reality, and you drive that point home in a fun way that has us stick with him regardless. It reminded me of Dumb and Dumber in that sense.
I would make the Butcher a little more present in a threatening way. Keep the pressure present.
The jokes strike me as low key, and they're great, but I'd look for a few more opportunities for big laughs.
I'd consider adding a romantic element that will give the protagonist an opportunity to grow more. It will also give you the opportunity to define the plot points a bit more. As it is, the end of the first act is a bit murky. I don't recall what the complication was. I'm not saying there wasn't one, I'm saying I don't recall it and didn't notice it while reading it. I think the story would benefit from an increase in pressure on the protagonist and that can be achieved with a love interest element. (The love interest would contain an additional goal and obstacle.)
I'd consider giving the protagonist a simple altruistic goal. It will give him a little humanity that will have us on his side all the more. eg. his grandmother, the only adult who ever really cared for him, needs surgery or something. It'd be funny if she was at odds with reality just as much as he was.
It's great that it's low budget.
It's similar to the movie The Grand in style and substance, which wasn't as good, but I think the similarities will cause you problems in the market. I'd look for ways to differentiate it.
Best of luck with it! read
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Submissions by mbannonb
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a screenplay by mbannonbA coder struggles to overcome his awkwardness as he woos the woman of his dreams.
Reviews by mbannonb 79
-
A review of Slumpbusterby mbannonb on 01/19/2013Slumpbuster - great title. The story might be a bit too familiar. A bit cartoony characterizations. Good they slept together by page 10. Good escalation that she is going to be the owner. Your dialogue feels a little over-indulgent. I get the sense that you're capturing some kind of regular guy ball player banter, but it goes on a bit much. You have the owner tell Judge... Slumpbuster - great title.
The story might be a bit too familiar.
A bit cartoony characterizations.
Good they slept together by page 10.
Good escalation that she is going to be the owner.
Your dialogue feels a little over-indulgent. I get the sense that you're capturing some kind of regular guy ball player banter, but it goes on a bit much. You have the owner tell Judge he's going to show his daughter, the new owner around, which puts me in a state of anticipation for that meeting, but then you go into a few scenes of ball players bantering.
The Carp, Man #1 and #2 talking about stealing, Pops, Umpire, something about British accents, there's too many to list.
I'm sure some of it is setup for later stuff, but you've deviated too far from the spine of your story; Cat and Judge.
Your story has us anticipating Cat and Judge getting together. That's what has us engaged. We're asking us ourselvs, how is that going to work? They have great sex, will they be able to move beyond that? How is the professional aspect going to play out. And son.
The interpersonal conflicts you touch on don't look like they'll contribute to the larger story, ie. the points of anticipation I mention above. Look to have them make things more difficult for Judge. More obstacles to the goals he has as a ball player as well as a lothario. As is, they come across as either directionless fun or general interpersonal conflicts.
You also need to be more selective in your choice of dialogue. It comes across as characterizations that go on too long. Shoot for a few good one liners and move on.
By the time you get to Cat and Judge formally meeting on page 35, it's a little to late. I hate to be a page pedant, but you've got a broad, mainstream romantic comedy and what happens on what page is critically important in that arena. I'd cut whatever I can to get what happens on page 35 on page 25.
PETE
That reminds me.
(to Judge)
Have you seen my Jimi Hendrix ball?
JUDGE
Yeah, I did, in your office. It’s
dope--
PETE
No, I mean, after-- I haven’t seen it since you were in my office.
JUDGE
Oh?
Funny. Nice added complexity.
CAT
It’s a caper, how interesting.
Don't have Cat comment on the storytelling. Takes me out of the story.
MUSIC fades in: Sixpence None the Richer’s "Kiss Me"
Why would you put that in there? Adds nothing.
They bond over the music? Seems a bit young for them.
I took her comments about firing him seriously. Given his performance, it seems his job would be in jeopardy. Given that,
I'm not sure why they're acting like love struck teenagers.
Standard screenwriting adage; enter the scene as late as possible and leave it as quickly as possible. This gets to meat of the scene and keeps things moving. The dirty carnie scene should be a quarter of a page at most. Consider applying this adage to every scene.
MUSIC fades in: think, Three-6 Mafia’s "Ass and Titties" - adding music is a newbie mistake. People end up commenting on it, liking it or not liking it, wasting time giving feedback on stuff that makes absolutely no difference. It's similar to the screenwriter adding camera angles.
It's good that Judge and Cat like to get it on, but by now they should be connecting over stuff beyond music.
You know what "taint" means, don't you?
Good - Cat may have slept with Reimer. Judge is relating to her something more than a "slumpbuster". I'm anticipating her finding out she was a slumpbuster and Judge is going to have to tell her the truth.
"Cut the crap. I’ve been around baseball my whole life. I know the score. For some stupid reason I let myself..." Wasted reveal of Cat learning she was a slumpbuster. Show her getting upset so we can anticipate the grief she's going to give him over it. As is, it's a line item on a contract.
Not sure what exactly got Judge out of the slump.
The B story, the stolen baseball, eclipses the A story. This is indicative of the fact that you have underdeveloped the A story.
Having Cat and Judge get together for real at the end would be more satisfying. But you'd have to do the work to have them really fall in love. You hit a lot of the right beats towards that, but the content needs to reveal their affection for one another beyond sex.
I forget why Pete picked Judge to show his daughter around. If you set that you in a plausible way, disregard this comment. read -
A review of The Cheerleaderby mbannonb on 12/27/2012Has a good wish fulfillment element; unpopular guy being wanted by two aggressive girls instead of being the aggressor. The hot chick does his fighting for him against the douchebag jocks. Has a nice, simple conflict that is easy to understand and low budget. Clean formatting and writing style. Realistic dialogue. You get to the conflict/premise quickly. Not sure about... Has a good wish fulfillment element; unpopular guy being wanted by two aggressive girls instead of being the aggressor. The hot chick does his fighting for him against the douchebag jocks.
Has a nice, simple conflict that is easy to understand and low budget.
Clean formatting and writing style. Realistic dialogue.
You get to the conflict/premise quickly.
Not sure about opening and closing with commentary about filmmakers. Didn't add anything for me. Heard it before and it slowed down the pacing just enough to warrant not including it. We already get they're typical nerdy types but not uber nerdy types.
Dennis, the protagonist, is too passive. Things keep happening to him. He needs to be in action instead of always reacting. Thus, the real hero seems like Julie, who is out to save him.
In Fatal Attraction, there was much more at stake to protect; the Douglas family, Michael Douglas' career, and finally, his life. What you have at stake is Dennis' potential relationship with Julie. At some point it becomes Dennis life is at stake, and that is good, but you need to escalate towards it. It might be difficult to find such things for a high schooler, but you can find something. She could ruin his college application. His savings for college.
In Fatal Attraction, they really cover everything before trying to kill each other. (Stalking, phone calls, pregnancy, restraining order, etc). And most of the movie is him trying to stop her from ruining his life. Yours is Julie trying to stop him from sleeping with Amanda so that Dennis will pick her. I'd consider modeling it more closely after Fatal Attraction as a way of making your script more engaging.
You also have an element of mystery; who is this girl and what is she really up to? But that is underdeveloped and nothing really comes out until the full reveal at the end. Consider offering more sizable chunks of reveals about Amanda, info that is real cause for worry, along the way. Also consider having Dennis learn of her evil plans and have him try to stop her.
As is, she kills the football team and he drops his cellphone in response. That response seemed like it would be more in character for a damsel in distress. Get him in action. When the hero is in action and we're empathizing with him, we're in anticipation; hopeful, fearful, etc. When the hero only reacts, we may empathize but only at the level of "bummer".
There are a lot of films to explore and study that have similar themes. SwimFan turns up on google with the search term "high school fatal attraction". It's a timeworn theme, perhaps too timeworn, but to explore it fully is a good exercise. Look for a new angle to bring to it as well, otherwise, I don't think the market will be too open to your script.
Finally, the message of the film as presented by the final reveal, how they met, seems off. Basically, Dennis is being punished for being a good Samaritan, extending a bit of kindness and sympathy to Amanda years ago when she desperately needed it. I don't think that works. A hero being punished for good deeds really only appeals to the most cynical and fearful people, people who are always looking for an excuse to isolate themselves, protect themselves and not try. Consider another direction. People will feel better about it.
Good job and good luck. read -
A review of Last Chance Saloon (Rev.)by mbannonb on 12/25/2012I don't have much to contribute to your script other than to say, good job. Great how you button every scene with a joke at the protagonists expense. He is at odds with reality, and you drive that point home in a fun way that has us stick with him regardless. It reminded me of Dumb and Dumber in that sense. I would make the Butcher a little more present in a threatening... I don't have much to contribute to your script other than to say, good job.
Great how you button every scene with a joke at the protagonists expense. He is at odds with reality, and you drive that point home in a fun way that has us stick with him regardless. It reminded me of Dumb and Dumber in that sense.
I would make the Butcher a little more present in a threatening way. Keep the pressure present.
The jokes strike me as low key, and they're great, but I'd look for a few more opportunities for big laughs.
I'd consider adding a romantic element that will give the protagonist an opportunity to grow more. It will also give you the opportunity to define the plot points a bit more. As it is, the end of the first act is a bit murky. I don't recall what the complication was. I'm not saying there wasn't one, I'm saying I don't recall it and didn't notice it while reading it. I think the story would benefit from an increase in pressure on the protagonist and that can be achieved with a love interest element. (The love interest would contain an additional goal and obstacle.)
I'd consider giving the protagonist a simple altruistic goal. It will give him a little humanity that will have us on his side all the more. eg. his grandmother, the only adult who ever really cared for him, needs surgery or something. It'd be funny if she was at odds with reality just as much as he was.
It's great that it's low budget.
It's similar to the movie The Grand in style and substance, which wasn't as good, but I think the similarities will cause you problems in the market. I'd look for ways to differentiate it.
Best of luck with it! read -
A review of Redemption Song V.2by mbannonb on 12/25/2012Ultimately, I feel like you know what you are doing, but there are significant problems with this story. You set up scenes well. The characters seem real; both motivation and dialogue. There's a clarity in the writing that makes things easy to follow. First and foremost, you need to differentiate this story from other bank robber stories as well as differentiate the characters... Ultimately, I feel like you know what you are doing, but there are significant problems with this story.
You set up scenes well. The characters seem real; both motivation and dialogue. There's a clarity in the writing that makes things easy to follow.
First and foremost, you need to differentiate this story from other bank robber stories as well as differentiate the characters from each other.
At a simple level, each character needs some kind of visual/descriptive tag that can be referred to for the first couple scenes that we meet the character. You do this for Big Mike. The action lines describe his huge physicality and then you name him Big Mike. Crystal clear there.
This was not the case with the other characters. I wasn't certain who was who for the first couple sentences of each scene and trusted it would become clearer, if not in that scene, in later scenes. It wasn't wildly confusing, but I wanted more certainty so that I could immerse myself into each scene without concern.
Bear in mind, quite a few people pick up and put down a script a few times while reading it, and offering the kind of certainty I'm asking for goes a long way. Especially since most people don't like to backtrack to figure out what they missed, and if they do, they resent you for it.
In addition to a visual tag to differentiate, look to differentiating the character's goals and the obstacles to that goal. Again, Big Mike had this. I knew who he was and what he wanted with certainty. Simple greed as a motive was enough as his role first and foremost is being an obstacle.
I lost track of what the protagonist's motivations and goals were once they completed the bank robbery disguised as craigslist construction workers. Did they want to start a landscaping business? For some reason, I thought the landscaping was a money laundering operation. Why was he guaranteeing satisfaction or your money back?
I also didn't get a sense of an internal need that was attempting to be fulfilled by the protagonists. There was the visit to the priest and there was a moderately interesting intellectual conversation, but I didn't get that what they were talking about had informed the character's actions in the prior or subsequent scenes. If having killed his cohort out of necessity was a big driver for him, you need to have it show up for the character as a problem more and his need for redemption much more. Consider GroundHog Day. Bill Murray cannot find true love until he redeems himself. Every obstacle to finding true love is his on self-involved self-importance. Consider The Company Men. Not a great movie, but a clear internal arc. Ben Affleck can't get a new job until he learns humility.
Such internal arcs may not be the stock and trade of the bank robbing genre, but I see you as needing it in order to differentiate it from the other bank robber stories out there.
General:
I would not give a female a male's name; Ronnie. I read the script in parts and thought Ronnie was a male at one point.
Why a Catholic priest? Donating money to him didn't make the lead redeemable for me. I assume the money would go to some pedophile defense fund or acquiring more real estate for the Vatican. My distaste for Catholics aside, in the media and pop culture, Catholics are not exemplars of goodness.
The investigating detective seemed to have too much luck in his pursuit.
When the character suddenly showed up while they were counting money, that was a good, unpredictable twist. It surprised me, but made sense. That kind of thing keeps the reader from getting too far ahead. Inject as much of that as possible into the story.
I focus mostly on the negative, however, good work. read -
A review of See It Comingby mbannonb on 11/24/2012Typos: When do you we see you next? Where can I guy get some action in Do you know they’re called ladies? --- All in all, good writing. You've managed to put an engaging story together using the barest of elements. I liked how there was a simple escalation of problems that kept me hooked in the beginning. Brent is a clearly defined character. He's trying to make things... Typos:
When do you we see you next?
Where can I guy get some action in
Do you know they’re called ladies?
---
All in all, good writing. You've managed to put an engaging story together using the barest of elements. I liked how there was a simple escalation of problems that kept me hooked in the beginning.
Brent is a clearly defined character. He's trying to make things work with his girl and as a result, puts up with more than he should. Perhaps make him even more of a push over so as to have an even bigger character arc when he asserts himself at the end.
I'm not clear how Brent came to propose to Gloria. I didn't get they were in love.
At the end of the story, I'm confused as to how Brent knew to beat up Mike. Mike says, "she hired him". Not sure how that leads to Brent beating Mike up.
The reverse time point-of-view, where we see what really happened, specifically see Gloria as cheating with Mike, was an interesting idea. It was fun to see what was really going on, however, it takes Brent out of the driver's seat. He's been investigating and we've been seeing things through his eyes. He's earned the info he's acquired thus far. I want him to be the one to discover what is really going on, not have it delivered via some omniscient narrator point of view.
He should be the one to discover Gloria cheating as well as Mike screwing with his car. It feels like I missed something, but I don't think I did. What triggered the time reversal sequence was Mike saying something as he pulls out in his car and we don't know what at that point. Then it is all delivered to us. If you have Brent go through the work of investigating Gloria, it will be a more fulfilling experience when he confronts her and Mike. We're empathizing with Brent, so we'd get his emotional experience in that. It would be Brent out witting the people screwing him over. The good guy beats the cheaters at their own game.
I suspected Gloria was involved somehow when she tries to get Brent to stop looking into Kenny's death. I would look to find a way to make her more nefarious. Having her be worried he might be cheating with Connie as the cause of hiring Kenny is a little underwhelming.
If Brent could find true love or the possibility of true love with someone else along the way, it might make for a happier ending. It's good he's moved on, but it would be nice to have Brent find what true love really looks like and go to it at the end.
Again, good job read -
A review of Red Goldby mbannonb on 11/23/2012The story was clearly written and easy to follow. This is a summary of your story as I see it. Ravi struggles to keep from being poor by selling his blood and at one point, a kidney. Ishwar is the source of his money for doing these things, but Ishwar is corrupt and cheats Ravi. Ravi starts his own blood/organ selling business and gets revenge on Ishwar by stealing his business... The story was clearly written and easy to follow.
This is a summary of your story as I see it.
Ravi struggles to keep from being poor by selling his blood and at one point, a kidney. Ishwar is the source of his money for doing these things, but Ishwar is corrupt and cheats Ravi. Ravi starts his own blood/organ selling business and gets revenge on Ishwar by stealing his business. Ravi falls in love with a girl, who he enlists to be a nurse that draws blood. She has misgivings about Ravi's business, but she doesn't leave him. Ishwar uses violence to get his business back, but Ravi out maneuvers him and kills him. Ravi returns to collecting recyclables from the trash heap. Fellow collectors pay their respects to him. He takes a computer class to invest in his future.
I'm not sure if selling blood would be so easily accomplished as you present it. I would look at adding more details and obstacles to the business of it. The only thing that comes to mind is he failed to refrigerate the blood one time and had to pay protection money to a cop.
You create a good sense of the character of Ravi. He has nobility in spite of his circumstances. Unlike his enemy, he is not motivated by greed, and he has moral dispensation to do the evil things his enemy does without becoming evil himself.
However, I'm not entirely clear what his flaw is. His struggle is all external and he overcomes the flaws of others. He's basically the same at the end. He's accomplished a lot and his motives are always clear, but the overcoming of all at the end could be more fulfilling. That is, if he joined the computer class on page three, it would be just as plausible and likely as when it happens at the end.
Some ideas to consider.
Integrate the computer classes into the main story better. For example, in the movie City of God (about gangs of street kids in Brazil), the protagonist is a young photographer. It's woven through the story and ends with him getting a job at a newspaper - a major accomplisment, and he's not in danger of becoming a gangster himself.
I would look to creating a big conflict between the draw of the computer class and selling blood.
Maybe Ravi gets seduced by materialism. Maybe a beautiful woman sees his wealth and steals him away from his girl. Something that forces him to lose some of his humanity and that he regains at the end. There are plenty of opportunities for Ravi to become what he hates.
In the movie The Company Men, the Ben Affleck character is arrogant. When he loses his job, he goes through a series of trials in which he learns humility. It is his acquiring of humility that enables him to find a new job. I don't recall what company he got a job with or any of the details around it. I only recall the spine of the story; man learns humility. I'm not saying to make Ravi arrogant, I am saying that he needs a flaw of that magnitude that underlies everything.
If you really want to keep Ravi the same, I'd look for someone to have a character arc of that sort. In Back to the Future, Marty McFly has no character arc, he's an all-around good guy that's always dealing with everyone else's short comings, but his Dad has a huge character arc. If you don't give a character arc to Ravi, you have to give it to someone.
Finally, getting a character arc like that in place will help differentiate this script more from Slumdog Millionaire.
One last general note; there is a gross out factor you might need to handle. There's always blood and wounds everywhere and the people donating blood are disgusting. It was uncomfortable to read at times.
Good job! read -
A review of Nothing But the Truthby mbannonb on 10/21/2012You cram way too much into the first few sentences. You set the location as the interior of a taurus, but describe the exterior; chromed out Chrysler at the far end of the lot. It's disorienting. I'd set up the exterior as having the Chrysler in it, then go to the interior. The detective "strangles the steering wheel", which led me to believe he was struggling with controlling... You cram way too much into the first few sentences.
You set the location as the interior of a taurus, but describe the exterior; chromed out Chrysler at the far end of the lot. It's disorienting. I'd set up the exterior as having the Chrysler in it, then go to the interior.
The detective "strangles the steering wheel", which led me to believe he was struggling with controlling it while driving. Then I realized he was frustrated, but you don't go into why, you go into his skin tight under armor which I'm not familiar with. Also, the armor can accentuate his physique, but I don't see it as accentuating his ego. Unless you mean he's egotistical about his imposing physique, but I can't be sure. It seems like your tacking on the fact that he's egotistical.
You still haven't gotten into why he's strangling the steering wheel and you then have him check his watch. Somehow, checking his watch draws the attention of Nick. Unclear where Nick is or how Will checking his watch draw his attention. Does Will make a gesture of checking his watch towards Nick? Nick is "standing tall", but inside a Taurus? I understand it is a metaphor, but it collides with the reality.
Work at guiding the mind's eye of the reader. It seems like there is some good stuff in there, but you've got to iron out all the wrinkles.
In regards to "In a job where no two days are the same, this is the man who’s seen it all", I'm sure a lot of people will tell you to "show, don't tell". That is, show how no two days are the same for these guys with actual scenes of that happening. Otherwise, "telling" it in the action line won't have it show up on the screen. I personally don't mind a flourish or two of "telling", but people will criticize it, and at the end of the day, you want to give them nothing to criticize about the nuts and bolts of screenwriting and force them to focus on the narrative; characters, their likability, the villain being strong enough and so on.
Enjoyed the confrontation between Chase and the Dealer. Didn't quite click the dealer was testing him to know the phone number of the sanitation department to prove he was really a sanitation worker. I'm not sure if a sanitation worker would know that. As a web developer, I don't know the main public phone number for the company I work for and I'm not sure most people do. So I wasn't sure if the dealer was in fact testing him in that way.
"To fuck her back." ... A headboard smacks against the wall. Chase rails her from above...And if she’s faking... she fooled me. Although I can’t say that’s never happened. "
Lol. Good stuff.
JULIANNA "Contraband." CHASE "What kind of--" JULIANA "The kind you wear on a ring finger."
Good dialogue. You're getting my hopes up.
"Ten hours without a lie." Ah, I see how it is Liar Liar as a thriller. Good idea. And good job at setting up the character quickly and getting to the premise.
Didn't understand any of the conversation with the secretary on page 31. Also not sure what Chase is doing with Pena.
Cops can't force someone to take a lie detector test and I don't recall it set up as dirty. I'd see how many readers stumble over it to see if it is a problem. Otherwise, it's a good way to "show" more clearly how the device rigged to Chase is working.
summonses - summons. lot of typos and strike thrus.
It seems like the Sculptor would just kill Chase and Pena. Or at a minimum, not give him sculpting lessons.
Not sure what's going on pages 57-59.
Shoot, not sure why Pena's being tortured.
Chase was trying to get drugs as false evidence? Wouldn't that have been a lie? But he fails to get the drugs/fake evidence after all? I think I'm missing something.
I'm too lost to comment on the rest of the script.
About the logline. I like that you've modeled your screenplay after known, successful scripts; Liar Liar, et al. However, I would write and actual logline instead of referencing those movies. eg. A completely corrupt cop must go 48 hours without lying or else an explosive device rigged to his body will detonate.
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A review of The Carrier (rev.)by mbannonb on 10/20/2012Fun premise. Starts out right away with it, but spends the next 30 pages on characters I don't remember. Good complication that he kills the only guy that can get the cylinder out. Wasn't sure of the goal until Keller said, "You know how much money a corporation like Providential would stand to lose if this ever got out?!" Should be sooner so that the hero can have a solid... Fun premise. Starts out right away with it, but spends the next 30 pages on characters I don't remember.
Good complication that he kills the only guy that can get the cylinder out.
Wasn't sure of the goal until Keller said, "You know how much money a corporation like Providential would stand to lose if this ever got out?!" Should be sooner so that the hero can have a solid goal beyond saving his own skin, as good a goal as that is.
Turns into a buddy movie. "What's in my ass?" "My foot if you don't shut up!" Didn't see that coming and feels like a gear shift grinding.
Richter doesn't seem like the type that cuts himself. Forgot all about it until it was mentioned on page 56.
"They stand to lose billions of dollars of research funding if this gets out." They'd make trillions with a working cure for cancer. You can make it sill work by having them need the money now and the cure will take to long to get to market.
"But it’s worth the risk I suppose. Isn’t that pathetic? I’m willing to sacrifice my life over money." I'd show that (more) about Richter. I didn't get that sense about him.
I'm not finding Richter and Keller's growing relationship believable.
The script felt like a cross between Lethal Weapon and The Fugitive. I'd develop Richter's instability more the way the Gibson character's suicidal nature was done in Lethal Weapon. In The Fugitive, Dr. Kimble's flaw was that he'd help people with his doctor skills even when it put himself at risk of getting caught. That flaw informs almost every sequence (not necessarily scene). I'd look for something similar for Richter.
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A review of PRISON FACTORby mbannonb on 09/19/2010Notes as I read: FYI, in America, making romantic advances on a co-worker is a no-no and can lead to all kinds of trouble. The relationship between Brad and Janice feels like it is moving too quickly. I'm not seeing where they developed such care for one another as demonstrated by her willing to strip in order to get the audience to let him perform. In fact, I'm not seeing...
Notes as I read:
FYI, in America, making romantic advances on a co-worker is a no-no and can lead to all kinds of trouble.
The relationship between Brad and Janice feels like it is moving too quickly. I'm not seeing where they developed such care for one another as demonstrated by her willing to strip in order to get the audience to let him perform. In fact, I'm not seeing what she sees in him to begin with.
Perhaps they're really just friends? The flowers seemed romantic.
I like the set up for prison. Failed singer fails on American Idol type show and gets violent. Really sending your hero to the depths that he has to climb out of, which is always a good idea. However, it feels like p30 should be the inciting incident on 10-12. Too much backstory with college and other stuff. I think.
Seems like Brad should have to go through a transformation of sorts before he's willing to sing again (in competition on Prison Factor).
Good complication of having to throw the contest.
Jericho Mile. The Longest Yard. Victory. Triumph of the Spirit. These are all prison victories. If you haven't already, you should see them all and use whatever you can to give more depth and conflict to your story. Off the top of my head, have Prison Guards competing and they heap abuse on the prison competitors as was done in Longest Yard. Really make Brad suffer for his dream. I'm sure there's something you could borrow from each movie. The story needs more than Lucious. It can't just be American Idol in prison.
What happened to Janice? She's disappeared. Story needs a love interest. Someone to communicate his deepest hopes and fears to.
Early release is a problem is kind of funny. Didn't see it coming. Good idea.
Don't think the twist at the end really works or is needed. (Getting himself thrown in jail on purpose).
Final Thoughts:
Something about the concept British American Idol in prison says it should be a comedy. As mentioned above, you could do a lot more with the story. I didn't get a feeling of triumph at the end that the other prison stories offered, so I think you need to build it up more.
I think the concept has potential and that you should stick with it, but only if you do it as a broad comedy. Anyway, that's my two bits.
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A review of Working Class Heroby mbannonb on 09/19/2010You've got 1949 in the slugline, but I'd add some elements from 1949 in the action lines. eg. style of dress, habits, mannerisms, etc. to reinforce it. p. 10 Aaron's concern for Linda's drinking seems a bit on the nose. Feels like you're communicating information instead of communicating how they really feel about one another. Don't get the sense that she's his mother. There... You've got 1949 in the slugline, but I'd add some elements from 1949 in the action lines. eg. style of dress, habits, mannerisms, etc. to reinforce it.
p. 10 Aaron's concern for Linda's drinking seems a bit on the nose. Feels like you're communicating information instead of communicating how they really feel about one another. Don't get the sense that she's his mother.
There is an ongoing style of dialogue where people speak their well thought out points of view. It strikes me as how people write about something, but don't speak. For example,
MEYER
I sympathize with what you’re
undoubtedly thinking. I don’t
expect or seek your forgiveness
much less reconciliation.
AARON
Well that’s a relief, isn’t
it. I’d long since accepted you
weren’t coming back but I would
have liked to know that you existed
all those years.
MEYER
I would like to know you now, If
you’ll accept me.
AARON
You made the choice to leave and
you must own that decision.
It's as if people have rehearsed their lines in anticipation of the encounter and then speak them. Or everyone's been in therapy and formulated their mature, adult opinions and are now speaking them. I think this is a symptom of people not having competing agendas. Conflicting needs and wants within themselves and needs that conflict with the other. If that scenario takes place, the emotions flow more freely, and if we're empathizing with the characters, we feel what they feel.
Aaron seems to be handed and told a lot of information. He doesn't seem to be on a search. Perhaps he needs to be more proactive about acquiring the information. An expression of a want of his to get at some truth.
I'd have to re-view Good Night and Good Luck to make any comparison. It's interesting information, but not very dramatic. The movie Metropolitan. Syriana.
It seems like you are not in touch with the emotions of your characters. After a riot, Harini states: "Surely, at times, but its the political extremes that ultimately shift the consensus. A radical does not have luxury of moderating his position for popular consumption." I recommend dialing back the intellect and going for emotions. The most flagrant example is Linda's clinical analysis of her ex-husbands death. It is unnatural and unmotivated. "I never blamed him for the affairs..." Where are the emotions?
It's good that Aaron got involved in the worker's protest at the end, but it was a lot of hard work getting there, and it isn't clear how all the information he acquired contributed to his journey. You have a definite point of view and a lot of good points that in and of themselves are interesting, but it is questionable whether they all fit in a dramatic format. Perhaps a documentary is more in order. read
Comments About mbannonb 59
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adampryor on 03/17/2013
Hey, I wanted to thank you for taking the time to read and review Acre Street. Your notes are extremely helpful and I'll be applying them to the next draft. -
laurakearsey on 01/20/2013
finally getting to my thanking of people. sorry for the delay. Thank you so much for your comments and encouragement on Regarding Phoenix. I really appreciate your time and care. Excited to get feedback from people who have experience and knowledge. xx -
TheLastGlance on 01/20/2013
Your welcome. I feel ya. It's disheartening to go through the trouble of reviewing a script and not receive a thank you in return. I ALWAYS thank my reviewers and I always will. So, thanks again! -
TheLastGlance on 01/20/2013
Hey, thanks so much for the review of Dying Daily. It's much appreciated! -
D J Sheridan on 11/26/2012
Hi mate,
Thanks for your comments on Time-Rift Futureshock. It's still in rewrite mode from other comments and ideas given to me so another edition to come soon.
As you pointed out some great things like others have done which give me pause for thought on revisions...
Dave -
Michael Keller on 11/24/2012
Thanks for the thoughtful notes! -
macaggiano on 10/22/2012
Thanks for reading Nothing But the Truth. Appreciate your time. -
PlasmicSteve on 06/23/2012
You're welcome - thanks for the thanks! -
Gary Wright on 11/16/2011
mbannonb wrote:Kind of reminded me of your slave script (a very general "kind of"):
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1853728/
With the help of his mentor, a slave-turned-bounty hunter sets out to rescue his wife from the brutal Calvin Candie, a Mississippi plantation owner.
Yes. I'm prepared to dislike it intensely. Does that make me a bad person? -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 09/22/2010
Thanks for your review of THE GANG.
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Comments About mbannonb 59
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Quote
Hey, I wanted to thank you for taking the time to read and review Acre Street. Your notes are extremely helpful and I'll be applying them to the next draft.
-
Quote
finally getting to my thanking of people. sorry for the delay. Thank you so much for your comments and encouragement on Regarding Phoenix. I really appreciate your time and care. Excited to get feedback from people who have experience and knowledge. xx
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Quote
Your welcome. I feel ya. It's disheartening to go through the trouble of reviewing a script and not receive a thank you in return. I ALWAYS thank my reviewers and I always will. So, thanks again!
+ more commentsadampryor on 03/17/2013
laurakearsey on 01/20/2013
TheLastGlance on 01/20/2013