mijorico

A review of Wolf-Girl

by mijorico on 07/06/2012

This script boasts an attractive premise, as well as a universal theme which the targeted demographic would certainly find relatable. The problem is, like our main character, this draft suffers from a bit of an identity crisis. We are introduced to Rhonda as a brave young girl just beginning to realize who she really is, but who is subsequently ostracized for it. When... This script boasts an attractive premise, as well as a universal theme which the targeted demographic would certainly find relatable. The problem is, like our main character, this draft suffers from a bit of an identity crisis.

We are introduced to Rhonda as a brave young girl just beginning to realize who she really is, but who is subsequently ostracized for it. When we catch up with her 8 years later, she is now a brooding and bitter 16-year-old, so scarred by that earlier rejection that she is now afraid to put herself out there for fear of getting hurt. This is a solid theme to build the framework of the story around, and infinitely relatable to teenagers trying to come into their own and accept themselves for who and what they are. But as the story progresses, it also drifts away from that theme. The plot becomes so convoluted with peripheral, and often cartoonish, characters that Rhonda’s true internal struggle gets lost in the shuffle. It becomes more about her attempt to rescue her grandmother than her journey of self discovery.

This story contains all the right elements. In this reader’s opinion, it simply takes a turn down the wrong road. Much too much time is devoted to the criminal subplot, with little to no attention remaining on Rhonda’s struggle for acceptance from her peers. In the beginning, she puts herself and her secret out there and is rejected because of it. In the end, she is accepted and celebrated for being different. Yet, in the middle, the high school interactions are largely non-existent. I believe this story would benefit from being more grounded in the world of high school than the criminal world. Think of similar stories, such as Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the movie) and Teen Wolf.

The gangsters in this story are motivated more by plot than by any sense of logic – we never really learn why they’re doing what they’re doing, aside from the fact that they want to be more powerful . It has to be something more concrete than that. There has to be a more tangible goal. As it’s written, the goal is to simply obtain this power from Rhonda and her grandmother. We need to know more about the why.

As the story drifts into the criminal world and Rhonda’s pursuit of grandma, it also suffers from one convenience after another. After they find Lenny’s dead body in grandma’s pantry, Grant convinces Rhonda not to go to the police (without a convincing argument). Instead, he brings her to the lair of his comic book store-owning cousin, who also just so happens to be an expert in Kung Fu and some sort of scientific genius. Here, Rhonda learns how to fight over the course of one day (why a wolf needs to learn Kung Fu is beyond me) and transforms herself into a superhero in order to find her granny (which also doesn’t make much sense). For a period in the script, it seems as if we are alternating between one interrogation scene after another, with both the bad guys questioning grandma and Rhonda questioning the bad guys. How she can be so certain any of these random thugs have any ties to whoever took her grandmother is never explained.

I would suggest that the writer delay grandma’s disappearance until closer to the end of the story. That way, we get to see more interaction between grandma (the seasoned and wise elder wolf) and Rhonda (the teenager struggling to accept herself) and we also eliminate a lot of the extraneous underworld excursions, which don’t help to service the story or express the theme. I also would have liked to have seen Caroline, the friend Rhonda saves in the beginning, as a teenager. It seems like a missed opportunity that she’s just forgotten about while these other girls have become the bullying cheerleaders. I could see her trying to be Rhonda’s friend and Rhonda rejecting her, much like she does Grant.

This reader may be making assumptions of the intended audience – and if I’m wrong about that, I apologize. The age of the main characters, as well as the absence of objectionable language (not to mention the werewolf premise) are what lead me to believe that teenagers are the target demographic. However, the sometimes graphic violence (gunshots to the head, blood pooling under doors, throats being ripped out, etc.) pushes this into more R-rated territory. I think you have to choose one or the other. Either it’s a PG-13 story where the violence isn’t quite so graphic, or it’s an R-rated story where you have to push everything a bit further to justify it. Since I’ve cited Buffy and Teen Wolf, my opinion is that you tread more toward the PG-13.

Another area where the script could be improved is punctuation, or sometimes the lack thereof. It’s a fairly easy fix, but that sort of thing can strike readers as careless. Particularly watch out for missing commas within dialogue (too many to count) and periods where there should be question marks.

But that can all be taken care of in editing. Right now, I’d recommend concentrating on sticking to your theme throughout and mining the hierarchy of high school for more of your story. I do believe you have something here. Sometimes it’s just a matter of getting to the heart of it all. Good luck with it!

*If you would like, I made notes to your script on my PDF as I read along, which I’d be happy to send to you upon request. read

Evergreen Review

A review of Evergreen

by mijorico on 03/26/2012

First, I’d like to thank you for your review of The Long Road Home. I appreciate the gesture. As for this piece, you asked for my honest opinion, so here it is. I think this story needs quite a bit of work. First, let’s start with the title. Evergreen is the name of the nursery where David is briefly employed in the first act. Beyond that, the title has no obvious... First, I’d like to thank you for your review of The Long Road Home. I appreciate the gesture.

As for this piece, you asked for my honest opinion, so here it is. I think this story needs quite a bit of work. First, let’s start with the title. Evergreen is the name of the nursery where David is briefly employed in the first act. Beyond that, the title has no obvious significance. His time spent at this job has very little bearing on the story and in no way figures into any of the major developments. Unless there is some subtextual significance, I don’t know why you chose that title.

Now, onto the story itself. In the beginning, this seems to be a story about a guy dealing with the tragic death of one of his best friends, an event that occurs on page three. Let me take a moment here to address that event itself. The way that scene is written, the fact that Arthur gets hit by the car almost gets lost in the shuffle. There’s no rising action there, no tension created leading up to him being hit by the car. I think you need to rewrite that in a way in which that stands out more to the reader, because it is presumably such an important moment. I say presumably, because throughout act one it seems as if David is haunted by that event. Yet, once he begins working at this real estate agency, his past and the death of his friend seem to have very little, if any, relevance to the story. As such, your story seems to suffer from an identity crisis. What is it about?

Well, it ends up being about David working at this real estate agency and trying to procure his first deal. Although there is very little motivation for David to pursue this path. He only does so because it is suggested to him and he seemingly has no other ideas. It doesn’t seem like something he necessarily wants. Which begs the question, what is it that David wants in this story? We aren’t given much of a clue in act one, and it isn’t until act two when he suddenly decides he wants to become a real estate agent. What does he want in the beginning? What does he have to overcome by the end in order to get it?

His pursuit of this sale, I’m sorry to say, ends up being quite a chore to read. There is a seemingly endless back and forth between his boss and co-workers telling him he needs to close this deal and the sellers waffling over their position on selling the property. You end up hitting upon many of the same beats, and the story ultimately becomes repetitive as a result. To make matters worse, it was unclear to this reader why this particular deal was so important. The story was often times hard to follow in act two. One reason for this, I believe, is that there are too many characters introduced throughout the story. There are co-workers from his job at Evergreen, classmates at the realty school he briefly attends, his college buddies in the beginning, his co-workers at the real estate office, etc. It becomes impossible to differentiate between anyone. It also doesn’t help that when you introduce characters, you almost never include a description. What they look like isn’t always as important as their essence. Without providing us with something that helps us paint a picture in our mind, all the characters end up blending together.

I was also dismayed by the glut of phone conversations throughout the story. Every time we’re in that realty office, we’re witnessing one phone conversation after another, most of which have no bearing on the story. We never get to see the other side of those conversations, so what’s the point? Ultimately, your second act left me curious, and not in a good way. I couldn’t become invested in the story because I didn’t know what was going on or what the protagonist’s goal was.

My confusion was only exasperated in act three, when the story starts to go in a really weird direction. All of a sudden, David’s treating Rick’s daughter like a dog and, assumedly, pulling a fast one over Rick. Though I’m not quite sure what he does, other than threaten to use some pictures as leverage and say he’s leaving to open his own office. There’s no real sense of satisfaction, as if David has overcome something. As I mentioned before, that is partly because we’re never quite sure what it is he needs to overcome. We don’t know what that flaw is that’s holding him back.

As for the other areas of the script. I thought your formatting could use some work. There are several instances where new slug lines are needed, such as when characters move from the exterior of a building to the interior, and vice versa. This could also use another sweep for typos (some of which would be caught with a simple spellcheck) and improper grammar, as wells as spacing, capitalization, and punctuation issues. Speaking of capitalization, you aren’t consistent when introducing characters. The character’s complete name should be capitalized upon first appearance, not just the first name. Your descriptions also often left much to be desired. In most scenes, you don’t give the characters much to do, other than talk. Film is a visual medium and, as such, your story needs to be much more visual. Also, and this may just be a pet peeve of mine, but I consider it to be lazy writing to describe a building as typical or nondescript. As the writer, our job is to paint the picture. What’s typical to me may not be typical to you. And nothing is ever nondescript. Is the building a house? An apartment building? A warehouse? A skyscraper? That is a description. The dialogue is also another area of concern. Much of it is too on-the-nose, meaning your characters are saying exactly what they’re thinking. That’s not how people usually talk. Their actions often contradict their words, and people often beat around the bush and speak in code. They don’t often get straight to the point, and certainly not all the time.

In summary, my opinion, take it for what you will, is that this screenplay is in need of a substantial rewrite. Currently, it lacks focus and clarity and is littered with insignificant characters that detract from the protagonist’s goal, which is also unclear at this juncture. If you have any further questions or would like me to email you a pdf containing the notes I made to your script while I was reading, send me an email.

Best of luck as you continue to develop this story. read

Not Cops Review

A review of Not Cops (rewrite)

by mijorico on 07/13/2011

This story features a clever premise that offers a different perspective on the buddy cop genre. Your opening is strong and clever, and successfully establishes the world of this story. I enjoyed the idea of seeing this very typical, over-the-top interrogation scene, only to reveal that these guys aren’t really cops. I think you could have pushed that even further, maybe... This story features a clever premise that offers a different perspective on the buddy cop genre. Your opening is strong and clever, and successfully establishes the world of this story. I enjoyed the idea of seeing this very typical, over-the-top interrogation scene, only to reveal that these guys aren’t really cops. I think you could have pushed that even further, maybe had them get a little rougher with poor Joel. While I liked the idea behind this story, I don’t think the execution of it is quite there yet.

I think it might be more effective if you use act one to set up your story, as opposed to diving into it right away on page ten. We’re given very little time to get to know these characters, their backstories, and their motivations. As a result, I didn’t always buy into what they were doing or why they were doing it. We need to see more before we understand why these guys want to go crooked and, more importantly, why we should root for them when they do. I think you can afford to push back many of these events into act two, while using act one to establish Sean and James’s relationship, both with each other and with their father.

Speaking of relationships, I didn’t feel that you truly explored the brother’s relationships with Bullock and Alex, which made the resolution of your story feel a bit forced. At one point, it almost seemed like you were laying the groundwork for a James and Alex coupling. We’re only given a hint of those relationships, enough so that it doesn’t come as a complete surprise that they end up together in the end, but not enough for it to feel completely organic to the story. I’d like to see more of a natural progression there.

I also thought that your story sometimes suffered from implausibility and conveniences. Why are Sean and James assigned to a junior officer when they’re not officers themselves? If Bullock is undercover, why would her son be riding along with the sons of the suspect who’s under investigation? Why would the captain be meeting with known criminals at his mansion? James goes along with Sean’s idea way too easily, and the resulting complications don’t cause enough friction between them. You establish James as the one who wants more out of life, the one with a plan. So it’s logical to assume he’d be more level-headed and more apprehensive during this whole situation. Also, they never really discuss what they’re going to do with the money, or how they’re going to handle Joel’s involvement.

I know the drop man had just killed Alex’s father, but having her shoot the guy in the face seemed a bit extreme. I think it might work better if you pushed that scenario further, to where she’s petrified and doesn’t want to shoot him, but has to in order to protect herself and the others. That’s in there to a point, but there’s just something about shooting a guy in the face that seems cold blooded. And it seems to be a pretty sudden shift in tone to your comedy. Maybe find a more comedic way for it to go down, maybe even make it an accident. Also, it took me a while to realize how Ricks died at that house. I don’t recall you mentioning that he was the drop man at the time. If that’s the case, why not? It could cause some great conflict to have them standing over the body of someone Sean and James (and even Joel) know is a cop. It creates an opportunity for them to freak out.

The last note I have for you is in regards to the dialogue. At times, it was funny. But, for the most part, many of the characters sounded the same to me. Nobody really had a unique voice. You try to pull off this sort of awkward, rambling humor, which can often work on screen but is difficult to execute on the page. I felt that sort of humor might work better if you relegated it to one character, most likely Joel. If you have too many characters speaking like that, it ends up coming across like you’re laboring to get to the joke.

I think you have a clever idea here, which could be very fun to see up on screen. If you can address these areas and push the premise further, creating more scenarios where your “not cops” are forced to behave like cops (and probably do so poorly), I think you will have a much stronger piece here. Good luck with it!

Random notes:
P.1 – Not sure if I’d lump the character ages into the same parenthesis.
P.8 – “Motherfuckers.” “Also incest, but different.” = Funny
I was really hoping there’d be a chase sequence where they try to lose Joel on his mountain bike.
P.31 – Typo “I feel asleep”
P.57 – Typo “James and Sean and rifling”
P.86 – Typo “a a few news vans”
P.97 – Footage appears on what? On a monitor? On our screen? read

Thank you, sir! May I have another?

A review of Matt and the Submissive

by mijorico on 07/05/2011

This story moves at a brisk pace, features interesting and sympathetic characters, and often showcases dialogue with humorous wit and charm. As a result, this was a quick and enjoyable read. I found your premise to be an interesting twist on the romantic comedy, though I wouldn’t necessarily file it under that genre. The story wasn’t so much about the courtship as it was... This story moves at a brisk pace, features interesting and sympathetic characters, and often showcases dialogue with humorous wit and charm. As a result, this was a quick and enjoyable read. I found your premise to be an interesting twist on the romantic comedy, though I wouldn’t necessarily file it under that genre. The story wasn’t so much about the courtship as it was about one character’s self discovery. That is both what I enjoyed about this story, and what I felt sort of held it back.

Going in, I was expecting more of a relationship to develop between Matt and Keely. But there really proves to be little development in that area, as they are only together for a few scenes and only end up going on one unsuccessful date. Meanwhile, you devote so much of your story to Matt’s preparations that I think it detracts from the greater moral here. From the first scene, we know that he’s a guy who comes on too strong. He’s clueless, hopeful, a bit naïve. In that respect, you do a good job of endearing him to the audience while establishing his flaw. But you don’t focus on that enough during the second act. I believe it isn’t until his conversation with Deb that someone finally reiterates that maybe he’s going about this the wrong way. As a result, the burgeoning relationship with Keely ends up being the focal point for much of the story, when the focus should really be on Matt’s misguided idealism.

I think there needs to be a better balance in that second act of Matt trying to transform himself into someone he’s not while advancing his relationship with Keely. By showing us more interactions with her and illustrating the progression of their relationship, it gives you an opportunity to both show how he is with women (which you allude to with Tina in the beginning) and gives Keely more to do. As it stands, I didn’t like her so much in the end. I think your intent was for their relationship to just not work because he was trying to be something he’s not, but to me it read more like she never gave the poor guy a chance. After all, she’s the one who sought him out. She’s the one who knows not every guy is going to be receptive to what she does for a living, and what she’s into sexually. Matt goes above and beyond with his effort, and yet she shoots him down on his first attempt. It felt unjustifiably harsh. Perhaps if we see more from her, or see more attempts of Matt trying to make this work, it would be more effective.

I just have a few more minor notes for you, before I get to the page by page stuff. I felt like you might want to explore opening with the scene of Matt serenading Tina. I think that might be an even more effective, and entertaining, way of illustrating his flaw while still endearing him to the audience. You would have to find a different way to introduce Keely, but her being Tina’s roommate really has no bearing on the story as written anyway. The initial scene between Jared and Deb almost made it feel like this was their story, like they were the leads. I think some of their storyline could maybe be bumped back to the second act, so you can focus more on Matt in the beginning. Keely showing Matt what she does for a living felt a bit anticlimactic. I think it may have been more humorous to cut to them in the midst of some bondage or something, rather than her opening a trunk and showing him a bunch of stuff. Deb’s character began to border on unlikable, with her seemingly harsh rebuffs to Jared’s proposals. You set it up as her being worried about how all this will affect her career, but eventually she begins to come across as unnecessarily mean, almost like she doesn’t even want to be with the guy.

I think that’s about all the constructive criticism I have for you. If you can maintain a greater focus on your moral in act two, I think this will really become a much stronger piece. The dialogue is often very funny, and the situations prove to be equally entertaining. You’ve done a good job here. Good luck with it!

Random notes:

P.1 – “room mate” = roommate
P.16 – “The OBGYN holds up something that looks like…” – Is there a way to find out what it’s actually called?
P.17 – Jared asking if they could freeze dry them almost seems like it should be Deb’s line. She’s the one who’s against having kids right now.
- Two mentions of Scientology. You might not want to alienate those weirdos if you’re trying to sell this to Hollywood.
- Give the clerk in the porn shop a name, just to keep it straight that she’s the one helping him pick out videos and ringing him up.
P.47 – Keely: “Did she live?” Funny!
P.50 – “I’ll make you run twenty feet” – I think this line could be punched up. Maybe something about Matt will chase him, but Jared will collapse after twenty feet.
P.52 – Why tell us in the description that Matt’s in the spare bedroom, instead of in the slug?
P.59 – MORNING in the slug threw me.
P.66 – Instead of a new slug every time you jump in time, just use a simple LATER.
- Give the Vegan Waitress a name. She’s obviously an important character. read

Pete Harrison Review

A review of PETE HARRISON: REALITY STAR? VER 2

by mijorico on 06/24/2011

I enjoyed the world and the characters you’ve created here. You’ve crafted a comedic screenplay with a very playful tone and several funny moments. I think with a few adjustments this could be even better. Throughout much of the second act, I felt Pete was being more reactive than proactive. He wasn’t driving the story so much as going along for the ride. I found that... read

Wishful

A review of The Wish

by mijorico on 02/02/2009

I really liked your writing style and quite enjoyed the story. It was an interesting twist for a man who could wish for so many things to improve his life to waste the opportunity not on something lavish or stupid, but on nothing at all. The only thing I would suggest to improve this story would be to somehow indicate that all of these mistakes he's made, all of the wrongs... read

Blindsided

A review of Blindside

by mijorico on 02/02/2009

I enjoyed your writing style. You employed a lot of description, which really helped the reader to visualize the events and the environment. You also did a good job creating suspense within the story. I have to say, though, I found myself wanting more in the end. I'm assuming it was your intent that the reader imagine what happens next, rather than you having to tell... read

Pax Romana

A review of Pax Romana

by mijorico on 04/21/2008

This is certainly an ambitious piece. I give you credit for that. I envision this as a kind of political "Underworld", though instead of Vampires and Werewolves being the mythical creatures of choice we have beings that I wouldn't dare try to pronounce. Not necessarily my kind of movie, but there certainly is a market for it. One of the greatest detriments of this script,... read

Last Week

A review of Last Week

by mijorico on 04/14/2008

As a first draft, I think this is pretty good. You've laid out a basic framework and given yourself something to work with. Here's where I think you can concentrate your efforts. First of all, I felt that that whole Kate storyline took too long to hit its stride. You set it up early on, but don't continue to develop it throughout the entire second Act. We only get to see... read

Unmasked Review

A review of Unmasked

by mijorico on 04/08/2008

This is a well-written script that managed to keep my interest throughout and make for a quick read. Of the screenplays I've read of yours, I'd say this is the best. However, that is not to say it is without its faults. For one thing, does any gun owner with half a brain keep their firearm in a shoe box? This guy is a prison guard, which would make me believe he's not... This is a well-written script that managed to keep my interest throughout and make for a quick read. Of the screenplays I've read of yours, I'd say this is the best. However, that is not to say it is without its faults.

For one thing, does any gun owner with half a brain keep their firearm in a shoe box? This guy is a prison guard, which would make me believe he's not so dumb as to do that. I'm not suggesting an incident like this could not occur, but people like prison guards and police officers are usually responsible enough to keep their weapons in lock boxes. So I didn't completely buy into that. I also found it curious that Jimmy would only load a single round into the gun. Maybe this is only my own assumption, but when a child plays with a gun I would imagine they might load it entirely. The fact that he only loads the one bullet seems convenient, in that when Laura pulls the trigger she does not kill James, or suggests that the child intentionally did this to himself. That is never really made clear.

Another issue I had with the story was that I felt these shows became repetitive. I imagine you intended for them to show some kind of escalation, but they seemed to hit the same beats about James wanting to be punished. As a result, it left the second act a little bit thin in the development department.

But my biggest complaint about this script is the ending. The aspect of the script that I take issue with was that Laura seems to get off too easy for her part in all of this. She was ready to kill her husband, heat of the moment or not, and takes little responsibility for her role in James' current state. Then, when we find out that this scenario is hers and not James', I was expecting her to be reliving this so she could choose not to blame him this time. To not point the gun at him and pull the trigger. Instead, she seemed to be doing it to get him to re-commit to his family. I didn't see that as the root of the problem. It's a problem, after the death of Jimmy. But the real issue is Jimmy's death and that Laura blames James, so he in turn blames himself. Without her ever pointing that gun at James and pulling the trigger, I think they do stick together and move on from this terrible tragedy.

I offer these criticisms in the hopes that they will help you to strengthen an already strong screenplay. Your premise is an interesting take on a familiar idea ("The Game", etc.) with a lot of good things going for it. Good luck with it.

Minor Notes:

- You don't need apostrophes with character ages. (20's = 20s)
P.54 - Quentin "This here is the real shit!" It looks like there are a few unnecessary spaces at the beginning of that line.
P.58 - Webster "Hey, Jimbob, Could you..." could
P.71 - Eve "Why do you people do it?" Seems out of character for her. Nothing I've seen from her would make me believe she even cares about the answer to that question.
P.77 - "A tear run down"

read

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