MikeBeebs

Submissions by MikeBeebs

Blackbird Pie

a screenplay by MikeBeebs

Genres: action, crime, drama

Jim Berkley lives a life of quiet despair, but when his brother gets arrested for selling drugs all that changes... more

Reviews by MikeBeebs 4

Review of The Painre's Wife

A review of The Painter's Wife

by MikeBeebs on 05/03/2010

The Painter's wife is a very good screenplay. The development of the Diego character and his realtionship with Emily is the highlight. The way it is slowly yet powerfully brought about is impressive. The main issue with this script, I would have to say, is the length. 140 pages is too long especially for a romance where 90 pages is closer to the norm. What could be cut out,... The Painter's wife is a very good screenplay. The development of the Diego character and his realtionship with Emily is the highlight. The way it is slowly yet powerfully brought about is impressive.

The main issue with this script, I would have to say, is the length. 140 pages is too long especially for a romance where 90 pages is closer to the norm. What could be cut out, though, in such a good script?

There are three main story lines: the breakup of Emily's marriage, the courthship of Emily by Diego, and Emily getting promoted. Out of these three, Emily's job arc is the most superfluous.

While I like this part, It doesn't seem central to the main arc of Diego and Emily. It gives Emily's chacter more depth, but we already know that she is a strong person. She showed it in her dealings with Peter and her daughter. If it were my script I would cut out all the work stuff after the first act.

Some of the longer scenes could also be cut down. Such as the scene on pages 62-68. You don't always need to rely on the dialogue to convey emotions. A lot of it will come through in the acting and direction. I know this isn't a lot of help for a screenwriter, but you are going to have to make some decisions.

I thought the scene where Emily imagined having sex with Diego in the tub wasn't needed. There was already enough sexual/romantic tension between them up to that point. Everyone had pushing them together the whole time so it's not like that would be the first time she seriously considered having sex with him.

Maybe there is another way you could go at the scene where Emily discovers Peter cheating. I know it is a very important scene but you can see it coming a mile away. Maybe there is some way to twist it so that it isunexpected and therefore more powerful to the audience when we do find out that Peter is cheating.

And the end of the second act going into the third, there could be more of an obstacle for Diego. It seems to go a little too smoothly for him. Maybe he and Emily could have a fight or something to up the tension in the end when they do get together.

These are just some minor things I noticed when reading it. Don't think my criticism means I did not like it. That couldn't be farther from the truth. I thought it was great!

P.S.
"Hola" is not the way hispanics answer the phone.

The correct way to say my friends in spanish is Mis amigos not Mis amigos. read

The Current is torrential!

A review of The Current

by MikeBeebs on 04/29/2010

The Current is a brutal, unrelenting script. Do not make the same mistake that I did and read it over lunch. It was a good read, but you have to be careful of when you read it. The structure and format were both excellent. There were a few typos (P104. Shirley instead of Sheldon in characters name and P.51 grammar) but nothing major. The story itself was above average. Marnie... The Current is a brutal, unrelenting script. Do not make the same mistake that I did and read it over lunch. It was a good read, but you have to be careful of when you read it.

The structure and format were both excellent. There were a few typos (P104. Shirley instead of Sheldon in characters name and P.51 grammar) but nothing major.

The story itself was above average. Marnie was a fascinating character. Native Americans in mainstream society are not very common, and The Current did a nice job of portraying that subculture within the narrative. The prostituiton and heroin scenes all rang true with in your face brutality.

Marnie seemed to be a bit of a stock character, though. She lashes out against the program worker and the detective with predictable hostility. The scene with the detective was over the top. Maybe try scaling back Marnie's emotions and showing some of her ingenuity to get the detective to help her. Her character is a little flat at times. The murder of the pimp was a little gratuitous. Not sure how that fit into the story arc.

Leonard and Sheldon really jumped off the page. Their dialogue was sinister and emotional. Leonard especially was well developed. He really fit the bill of a psychopathic killer. It was %100 believable. The mother stuff was a little iffy at times. Maybe try a little more of a back story with that along the lines of Marnie's story.

The ending was suspenseful and well plotted. The amount of blood lived up to the promise of the first two acts.

The whole magical aspec of the story seemed a bit forced. I guess Marnie needed closure at the end but maybe killing the murderers is enough. It seems like a stretch to include ghosts in the story just to hand Marnie a knife. In my opinion they need to play a more tangible role throughout or not be in it at all.

Some of the action scenes were a little hard to follow. The underwater apparatus in the tank room was never really quite clear to me in its function. That would look a lot better on film than on paper though. Just try to make it clear for the readers. Simplicity is best.

Overall I really liked it. It seemed to be very professional. The story moved along at a good pace. It was thrilling stuff. Maybe too thrilling for lunch time! read

Comments About MikeBeebs 4

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1sophiaben on 05/05/2010

Hi Mike

Many thanks for your useful comments on Sarah's soul.

The concept of Congrulenca (name based on the word conguence) I felt was our earthly equilavent of a psychotherapist, so I wanted the audience to make their own conclusions about this spiritual character, so not sure how I might change the first scene, will sleep on that one.

Punctuation wise, I take your points, will look at those too.

Thankyou for your honesty.

When I am writing I visually see my screenplays running through my own mind, I so need to remember that an audience needs to be drawn into the first scene...ie Sarah's relationship with her children etc. and not take it for granted that they already know.

Warm regards

J Hall (1sophiaben)
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calevitt1968 on 05/03/2010

Thanks for taking the time to read "The Painter's Wife". I think we must be psychically linked as your comments echo some of the thoughts I've had about the script. I am thinking of removing the job references, at least as far as the promotion goes because I realized, other than her assistant David, she never even mentions the promotion to Diego or Zoe. So how important can it be? LOL!! I also would like to come up with a more original way of her finding out about the affair, or maybe just starting the movie after the fact... It is cliché and overused as a device.

Anyway, I really appreciate your comments. If anything else comes to mind, let me know. I look forward to reading anything that you submit. Let me know when you post.
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crowovw on 04/30/2010

Thanks so much for reading Bannersfield and taking the time to point out some of the errors, I'll surely go back and polish it up a bit. Towards the end just to clear it up it's mentioned only one that the symbols are Sumerian. And Molly says in the library that the language is the oldest known to man which is believed to be Sumerian. I'll give it another shot and pull out some of the characters in the beginning a bit more.
Thanks again!!

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Submissions by MikeBeebs

Reviews by MikeBeebs 4

Comments About MikeBeebs 4

1sophiaben on 05/05/2010

calevitt1968 on 05/03/2010

crowovw on 04/30/2010

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Submissions by MikeBeebs

Reviews by MikeBeebs 4

Comments About MikeBeebs 4

1sophiaben on 05/05/2010

calevitt1968 on 05/03/2010

crowovw on 04/30/2010

Jay_Stanners on 04/29/2010

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